Pushing children who are not ready -walking to school independently

[xmasone]

Just saw an eight year old walk to school by himself (imagine not all the way) and he looked scared of his own shadow, tbh… He was a bit late so not many other people at the gate/ school playground left. It’s the type of school where there’s often no staff out and about greeting children in the morning any more except at the classroom door. The weather was awful.

I have seen other kids at this age and even younger walk through the gate by themselves and they looked absolutely fine - more at home and confident than me! However, I couldn’t think this child is not ready. His posture was scared - rounded shoulders, head down, hunched back… I just thought this child has proper high cortisol levels already and his day has barely started!

Wondering how other parents see this. In your opinion, is this helping a timid child be independent or teaching him he is on his own and has no choice…?
Surely there’s a middle ground of the disapproved ‘helicopter parenting’ and pushing your child to independence in a way that clearly intimidates them.

Which child is going to be more relaxed in the classroom and kinder to others at lunch break - the one who had a carefree chat with parent before drop off, or the one who had to ‘be brave’ alone?

While the boy in your case would be fine starting walking alone say in the spring or this time next year, I think that the rise in anxious parenting has led to the rise in anxious kids.

Walking independently is an age appropriate step to practice so I wouldn’t judge the parent unless the child had SEN where he might run into the road.

I see anxious adults frequently trying to get an exemption to avoid things that might make them nervous but reasonable adult things to do. I think that it’s good for people to be out of their comfort zones sometimes and I tried to model this so my kids were “brave” too and didn’t miss out. They are now adults who don’t fear failing, most mistakes can be rectified in life and they can make a judgement call on realistic leaps of faith.

But you can't teach them independence without letting them be independent, so by necessity they have to go without the grown up's calm presence during the time they might feel anxious. Avoiding that anxiety doesn't get rid of it, but of course its important to approach it at the right time, but circumstances might speed up that time frame. For instance DS was nervous about walking in the dark and I knew it would soon be dark in the mornings while he walks to school so I had to push him to try a short walk alone in the dark so that he could find out it wasn't as scary as he feared. Was better to do that first attempt in an evening with a treat at the end of it (was a walk to the shop so he could buy himself a treat) than do it on the first dark school morning with a full day of school ahead and no one to reassure him afterwards he did find it scary.

Don’t move to Switzerland op.

they expect four year olds to walk to school and guess what they pretty much do.

my British friend was horrified at first and then her child told her he didn’t want to be babied and wanted to walk with his friends.

honestly, yes co-regulation is important. But you can take it too far and imply no child can ever do anything without an adult.

I think one always needs to think ahead for your kids. Rather than thinking 'They're too young for X', you need to think 'In the next year, they ought to be able to do X, so I had better get them started'. Eg, they will have to make their own way to secondary school, so if it's possible to make their on way to school on Y6, they should start doing that so they don't have to do it for the first time on top of all the changes of secondary school. Or 'They will start going out with friends in the next year or two - they should be able to use public transport, speak to people who are there to give assistance etc, so we need to start working on that now'

How is anyone going to get over anxiety without trying something.
There is a good chance that this child needs to be independent, as his parent's can't do the school run due to work conditions. Not ideal but that's life. He won't be magically ready when his passport says 10 instead of 8. He will only be ready by doing it and seeing that it's fine.

Like most of the time when I see these threads I say the same thing. The issue isn't AGE, it's maturity and being streetwise.

If you're in an area where walking to school is normal, then surely there are other children to walk with and he will know some of the other grown ups, as they walk to school in the same direction as him/are his friends' parents.

You are also assuming that this is a black and white choice between "loving parent takes child to school" and "anxious child left to make his own way".

I've seen very many children taken to school by parents who are not setting up a a lovely positive start to the school day. Maybe that's why the child is actively choosing to go to school on his own?

If you are watching another child walk to school this presumably means you have been following him all the way ... so why not see if he wants to join you and your children if you are concerned?

At our school they start being able to walk on their own to/from school in Yr5 - so 9 years old. It's not very much older than the 8yo you're referring to.

It's our job as parents to teach kids to be independent, but not wrap them in cotton wool. Practice shorter solo walks - e.g. popping down to the end of the street to post a letter - first. Build resilience and confidence. Of course I don't advocate for 0-100 approach but I disagree with protecting our children from anxiety to such a degree that they are stifled from having their own personal growth. Let them feel anxious now and again - it is a human emotion that we feel for a reason. It builds their risk analysis skills and logical reasoning over time ("I walked to post a letter on my own and felt nervous as Mum wasn't there... but I did it myself! And even though I was nervous nothing bad happened").

FWIW, my son has started walking to school and is in yr6 and he's absolutely chuffed to bits. He feels grown up, and also appreciates that I'm starting to treat him less like a baby.

See it all the time around here, kids way too young on their own- kids on bikes straying towards the road, or running across with a panicked look on their face. I once stood in the way of a little boy heading over to pet a dodgy dog and myself and another man stood up for a terrified looking kid being shouted at by a group of young lads. Ridiculous some of the excuses made on here for a too young kid walking to school on his own.

There have been massive changes in parenting in the 25 years since I became a parent, particularly I would say in the last 10. Lots of awareness about children's mental health and development, like the book you are reading.

And yet levels of mental illness in young people have sky-rocketed. I can't help thinking that what we're doing is actually making things worse.

And I think it's out of order for you to be making judgements on this child and his parents, when you don't know what's going on with him and you certainly don't know what his cortisol levels are!

I think too much awareness can have a negative affect, makes people view normal behaviour/feelings/phases as something more serious, and makes you perhaps too aware of your own feelings which can make you feel worse.

This is the thing I wonder about. When I was that age I walked to school by myself no problem, as did a lot of others I knew. I think with how parents are nowadays, quite smothering really, they make their kids anxious. And let's face it, kids today are way more anxiety ridden than any other generations have been. I honestly think that parents anxieties about giving their child independence gets picked up on by them and they grow up constantly anxious about every little thing.

Aah, the option of judging while covering it int he guise of "concern for the child"

You have no idea what's going on here. Isi this "tough love" or could it be any one of a million other things. eg, kid is notiriously not ready to leave. The consequence is he has to walk. Or kid has been told he can' tbe late for school again... and he's late for school again. Or you just have no idea what this kid is actually thinking of feeling.

If you're going to judge, at least own it. Don't dress it up as faux concern.

Imagine telling a doctor that all this new research he’s reading up on is making him worse at his job… More information to parents on child development could not be the problem here.
Most would agree the children that weren’t allowed to feel and express their anxiety and fear did not end up better off. There’s proven links between emotional regulation and the immune system.

And just for those that need it clarified - seeing the child made me uncomfortable and brought on to the discussion idea. We are not discussing this child and his family in particular but, in general, giving children an extra push to face things alone when they do not seem ready.

Some really good points made by posters already and lots of food for thought. Thanks.

And really, how do you know he was scared. Because his shoulders were hunched. Well so were mine when I was walking along today because it was windy as fuck and raining so I was hunched up. Maybe he was scared of getting told off for being late🤷

Imagine telling a doctor that all this new research he’s reading up on is making him worse at his job…

Well yes, confirmation bias is a well-known phenomenon.

It’s perfectly normal for kids that age (and younger) to walk to school by themselves where I live.

I really dont know how you could tell the child was scared

I probably look like that when I'm walking to work in the cold. Would be really weirded out to think someone was posting online about my likely "cortisol levels"

You don’t think people being imperfect in their thinking or information-interpretation skills is an argument for humans to stop researching, do you.
The only way you get around erroneous, biased thinking is by learning more.

Where did I suggest that? But reading a book (not even the original research) and then extrapolating its arguments to form the view that a child has high cortisol levels because his shoulders were hunched, without even considering other explanations is a very good example of biased thinking.

Both DSs walked to school without me from age 8. I was 7.

I think the huge rise in depression and anxiety can be triggered by over parenting, not under parenting. Honestly I’ve been around for a while and I’ve never heard of walking to school being so anxiety inducing. It was cold. People walk hunched and huddled up in the cold. Some kids don’t like school on a cold Monday.

But maybe he was perfectly happy? How on earth can you deduce anxiety and heightened cortisol in this circumstance anyway?

This isn’t ‘toughen up parenting’. He hasn’t been driven to a remote area with a map and compass. He’s walking to school.

@MotherofPufflingsI’m curious what you, and others, would think if they saw a child who you yourself perceived to not be ready to be walking by himself?
Do you think that can only benefit him or taking our time with some children might be better for their confidence, well-being and independence, overall?

Looked scared of his own shadow?

Cortisol? Lol.

Maybe he was cold. Maybe it was raining. You said the weather was awful. Maybe he really needed a poo. Maybe he's embarrassed by his coat. Maybe, maybe, maybe a hundred things.

Are you some kind of body language expert?

How have you come up with such a detailed narrative of a child being forced to walk to school?

Depends why it was happening and how the child actually felt not your perception of their feelings.

Mostly I'd build up to that situation with my DC - bit further evey day by themsleves as that worked best for them. However sometimes with multiple kids shit happens and you need to be two places at once or near enough and one had to be pushed to walk bit further while in sight on that day.

Also eldest often pushed to do things - and would look nervous but still want to do them - it's hard by sometimes best thing is to stand at side ready to swoop in if absolutely nessary but not too soon. MIL used to upset her by sweeping in and doing if for her and DD1 would get very frustrated and angry about it - you had to wait it out till she asked for help - very much feel the fear and do it anyway.

My eldest used to walk in sometimes at 9 after much pleading from her- I saw her off down the road in last house- but it was a short safe walk and a route she knew two roads- and it meant for at least one term I didn't have to wait an entire hour with youngest on playground - as all three at same school had different start times - DD1 club - DS intervention group and DD2 the normal start time - and wasn't time to head back and no shelter between our house and school - it wasn't far. She often met with her friends also going by end of the street. When we moved despite her being older she couldn't wak in by herself as duel carriage way between our house and school so not safe so couldn't do it again till secondary age.