Pushing children who are not ready -walking to school independently

[xmasone]

Just saw an eight year old walk to school by himself (imagine not all the way) and he looked scared of his own shadow, tbh… He was a bit late so not many other people at the gate/ school playground left. It’s the type of school where there’s often no staff out and about greeting children in the morning any more except at the classroom door. The weather was awful.

I have seen other kids at this age and even younger walk through the gate by themselves and they looked absolutely fine - more at home and confident than me! However, I couldn’t think this child is not ready. His posture was scared - rounded shoulders, head down, hunched back… I just thought this child has proper high cortisol levels already and his day has barely started!

Wondering how other parents see this. In your opinion, is this helping a timid child be independent or teaching him he is on his own and has no choice…?
Surely there’s a middle ground of the disapproved ‘helicopter parenting’ and pushing your child to independence in a way that clearly intimidates them.

Which child is going to be more relaxed in the classroom and kinder to others at lunch break - the one who had a carefree chat with parent before drop off, or the one who had to ‘be brave’ alone?

I really try not to make snap judgements based on briefly witnessing a snapshot of a child's life.

I wouldn't have left ds to walk to school alone at 8, why do kids need to be independent at 8? I was a complete helicopter parent at that age, always made sure he was safe, even as a teen he was a real home body. Now he's a young adult doing a degree apprenticeship, working away and enjoying living away from home.

Honestly, having your child walk to school alone from a young age doesn't mean they are suddenly going to be amazingly resilient and independent. If they're scared and lonely every time they do the walk and you make them do it anyway, then they're really not learning what you think they are. They're learning no one cares about how they feel and that they have to do things even if it makes them completely miserable - that is not making an independent and resilient child, it's making a shut down one.

I feel bad for that kid OP, even if he normally doesn't mind walking to school, having to do it alone at 8 years old in that weather is just horrible.

But you did judge, just by saying that. You have no idea if I’ve only seen that child for a short snapshot of his life. I mean, I know his age for a start.

Do you let yourself empathise when you see children/ people in discomfort or you are scared you’ll come across judgy?

Kids usually start traveling to school on their own at 10 round here. It was 7 when I was at school, but I do remember a local bully hurting my friend and chasing after us, so it wasn't a total success. I also remember being locked out as my mum was out

The vast majority of 8 year olds where I am would be aghast if their mum or dad wanted to walk them to school, much like most year 7s would be very embarrassed to be walked to school by a parent.

Sometimes parents can't walk their children even if they want to. Me and OH both have to leave for work before DS has to be at school. OH could drop him off but then he'd be stood outside the school for 40 minutes waiting for it to start and would miss out on the benefit of a walk, so far better for him to just walk himself to school. Which he does happily because I put in the work to ready him for this stage of growing up.

I think 8 is really young to walk to school alone. At my DCs school children have to be in year 6. I remember not being able to walk home until the end of year 5 and that was 20 years ago.

If the parents are at work then they should arrange breakfast club/ childcare.

And yet at my son's school they walk in by themselves from year 4. My 8 year is perfectly capable, willing and happy to walking to school in the mornings.

he was probably anxious because he was late

I agree with you. My sons both told me when they were ready. DS1 year 7 (I was forbidden to walk him) and DS2 who is in year 8 and needs to take a bus still wants me to accompany him to the bus stop and wait with him which I happily do. He wouldn't want me to be seen infront of the school though😅. At 8 there is no way I would let them walk on their own since some roads need to be crossed. They were just not mature and confident enough. And I say that as someone who happily took myself to school from 7 years old.

Oh, yeah. Been there done that got the tee shirt.

Who would be a kid of the ‘80’s, eh?

Not everywhere has breakfast clubs or childcare. My child's school only runs afterschool club, not a breakfast club, and childcare does not exist at all for this age group where I am (outside of school run afterschool clubs, and that's only until 9 years old)

As a teacher of 25 years I have noticed that every little worry or bit of nerves is now being labeled as anxiety and mental health and then it instantly becomes and excuse to opt out and the anxiety grows until it becomes actual anxiety.

We need to stop telling our kids they have anxiety all the time and build resilience by saying things like Oh, you feel nervous about your maths test? Why is that? Did you prepare for it? What's the worst that can happen? What could you do differently etc. Too many kids fail to learn to push through a bit of discomfort and then they become anxiety ridden adults.

For many teens these days it just manifests from developing powerlessness, being told they don't need to do the scary thing and to avoid trying things and avoid failure rather than gentle encouragement to overcome their fears. If they just took some action themselves and learnt to manage the consequence. E.g failing a test because they didn't do enough prep. Reading aloud in class in case they mispronounce a word etc. Of course I know for some it may be triggered by a large trauma but that's not the case for all anxiety. Just this morning I've read about adults struggling to overcome fears of driving being told to just get a bus pass by their GP and another terrified adult waiting for her landlord to investige a potential rodent in her loft. Inaction feeds the anxiety and in our schools now we teach inaction and avoidance and I feel that many parents take this approach to. Kids need to learn how to move through some mild peril, cope with disappointment, embarrassment, rejection etc. We need to give them small opportunities to learn that life goes on after negative emotions. You cannot avoid them in life.

If they are working, they must have been using some form of wrap around care previously.

I had to choose a school for my DC which was further away as the one closest to us didn’t offer wrap around care for the hours I needed.

OP did say she knows they are not at work so I guess this isn’t the case anyway.

I think it’s ok for an eight-year-old to go to school alone. It depends on how busy the roads are and how many they have to cross. I went to school alone at that age with my seven-year-old sister.

Wait do you mean walk to school or walk in through the school gates?

I'd think most UK primaries wouldn't be that happy with an eight year old walking the whole way to school. It's usually year 5 or even just year 6.

If it's just going through the school gates with parents having dropped him off nearby then I think you are massively overthinking this!

Perhaps it was a one off - parent ill, little sibling ill, plumber arriving at 8.30? A million different reasons. If he was crossing the road safely and going the way he should be, with nothing tangible to say safety alert, then it’s just his business.

I would think, "Oh, he is a bit younger than I would allow my children to walk unaccompanied, but I'm sure his parents know him and have made the decision based on what works for their family," or, if I knew the family well, "I wonder if they are having difficulty taking him to school because of their work situation. Perhaps I could offer to walk in with him to help them out."

What I wouldn't do is make strange judgements about his endocrine system and then make a Mumsnet thread.

I am also much more concerned about the number of children who could be walking to school but are instead being dropped at the gates in SUVs, and the number of children refusing to take any responsibility for themselves and being terrified of the adult world.

IF this boy was indeed terrified, and you have absolutely no way of knowing that, he will have got to school and been proud of himself for successfully walking to school even though he was nervous. The more times he does it, the less scary it will seem.

Thanks @kittyfor sharing your opinion on children being driven in cars.
You are clearly getting the point of the thread, which is parents questioning small daily aspects of what is good for our children, and what can we do better as parents, for our future society.

As I was interested in what you seem to be reading, I thought I'd look up the literature. There are no effects of e.g. learning to be a more calm/more gentle parent (e.g. effective parenting strategies for behaviour - not shouting etc. - I'm not talking "gentle parenting" as the media portrays it) with children's cortisol.

Very stressful situations, like parental divorce, DO increase cortisol in children, but everyday stress isn't bad for us, and framing everyday learning opportunities like becoming independent as "stressful" and "needing co-regulation" is likely leading children to become more anxious about being anxious, as well as being anxious about the situation itself.

It also seems very appropriate to me for a child who is crossing the road independently to be on high alert - we don't want them swanning across the road without looking and caught up in a daydream!

Not allowed at my kids school have to be 11 and in year 6

I really don't trust MNers' interpretation of strangers' emotions and body language. So many posters see dirty looks and sneers wherever they go (met someone offline who was the same and it was all in her head). So I wouldn't be at all certain this boy was scared of walking.

Completely disagree. I would speak to school staff, just say he looked scared etc. Imo it's too young. You are doing the right thing in expressing your concerns.

I suggest you focus on your own kids, rather than making snap judgements about other people's. Whether kids en masse are less independent than they should be is not the same sort of question as whether an 8 yo boy you don't know should be walking to school alone.

My children were encouraged to be independent from 7 onwards.They walked to school, sometimes on their own .
They were absolutely fine and are now confident adults getting on with their lives.
My children who had friends who's parents were over protective are still struggling in finding themselves as adults.

I wasn't allowed to walk to school alone at that age. I wanted to, we only lived a short walk from the school and I detested my childminders children. My begging for it worried my Mum so much she actually moved me to the school she worked at, so she could take me in everyday.
He is only little and may be shy/nervous on his own.