On the verge of walking out forever

[Floraposte1]

On the edge of a nervous breakdown as pretty sure my children hate me. 7 y/o is generally fine but occasionally has huge meltdowns - screaming, kicking out, throwing things at me. 3 y/o only wants Daddy and seems to hate me. I am the breadwinner in a highly stressful role so am away for a night a few times a month and can't do all school drops/pick ups. DH won't try to earn anymore so it's all on me.

When I really put my victim hat on, I feel like my boss at work, my DH and my kids are taking advantage of me and trying to exploit my weaknesses. I was emotionally neglected as a child so have tried so hard not to repeat this with my children - it's always at the front of my mind - but clearly I'm failing. They make me cry (not in front of them) multiple times per week and I'm just so exhausted by all. Pretty sure everyone would be better if I just left and sent money to them. I can't see another way out of this really and think I should never have become a parent. Does anyone else feel like this?

Sounds like you're an over achiever who equates achieving and perfection with earning love and self worth. Maybe you had a very transactional childhood where good grades were rewarded with love and attention and bad behaviour meant being ignored?

Then you see your children's behaviour as a reflection on you rather than normal challenging behaviour.

You are working yourself into the ground and subconsciously expect praise / reward for doing so.

Rest and your needs feels selfish and 'bad' / scary that your subconscious feels you will be punished for / or not loved.

Everyone needs to feel loved. Your subconscious is replaying aspects of your childhood and using the skills you learnt very young to protect you and now those skills are hurting you, not protecting you.

Some good therapy with a highly trained psychologist might be very insightful and help you understand where these deep feelings come from that are ultimately burning you out and causing resentment.

It's not unusual to uncover unconscious rules that you have internalised. Having someone walk with you us you unpick everything can create lasting positive change. Do you have private health insurance with work? Strongly suggest accessing a Dr of phycology and having regular therapy thru private insurance.

You may leave your job or you may stay especially if you 'allow' yourself more help at home. Divert your resources to a part time nanny and do what fathers have always done and get yourself up for work and just go! Have paid support in the house to make your life easier and by default give your children a happier and calmer mother. Be the fun one at weekends! You may have to unclench (meant kindly, I'm exactly the same!) and learn how to play / stay in the moment with your small children. The one place I found I could play with my children was swimming...no phones and had to hold them a lot! I had to learn how to play with them too. I really really struggled with playing so in the end made it work (sometimes!) by doing things I could manage and having a set time (painting together with music on but only for an hour with snacks ready at the end)

You've identified this is not the way you want to live...only you can change your life. I think you would benefit from some internal investigation and take control of your own happiness...it's not for your children to give you, it even your husband. Good luck ❤️

OP as someone who was the main breadwinner all her life (husband was SAHP) you need to stand up for yourself. Decide if you are ok being the main earner and the buck stops with you or not. If not, you drop to a wage and lifestyle long term that matches your husbands, you share childcare/tasks and cut your cloth accordingly (no big holidays/ small house…) basically how many people live perfectly happily.
Or, you decide the job is fundamentally not the problem, you want the financial security but you are (unsurprisingly) burning out. Step one, drop the guilt. You don’t need it, literally thousands of mostly men leave the majority of home life to their partner and raise well adjusted children who love them. Children will play on your guilt if they sense it - they are being human. If they complain about you not at the school play / match you matter of factly respond that you work a lot so that daddy can attend - like other daddys work so that the mummys can attend. No different.
Now to your husband, if he wants the high earning wife he needs to step up. I would try to target that he does EVERYTHING during the week for the kids. You get up, go to work and come home to a home cooked meal - the end. If he can’t manage it but wants you to carry on in your job then he has to change his hours / buy in help. He does not rope you in. You must work! Then on the weekends I would try to dedicate at least one full day to your kids, being fun mum. Leaves one day for husband / life stuff whatever.
To summarise your two main issues are your own guilt and your selfish husband. You can fix them now or after your (almost inevitable) breakdown.