On the verge of walking out forever

[Floraposte1]

On the edge of a nervous breakdown as pretty sure my children hate me. 7 y/o is generally fine but occasionally has huge meltdowns - screaming, kicking out, throwing things at me. 3 y/o only wants Daddy and seems to hate me. I am the breadwinner in a highly stressful role so am away for a night a few times a month and can't do all school drops/pick ups. DH won't try to earn anymore so it's all on me.

When I really put my victim hat on, I feel like my boss at work, my DH and my kids are taking advantage of me and trying to exploit my weaknesses. I was emotionally neglected as a child so have tried so hard not to repeat this with my children - it's always at the front of my mind - but clearly I'm failing. They make me cry (not in front of them) multiple times per week and I'm just so exhausted by all. Pretty sure everyone would be better if I just left and sent money to them. I can't see another way out of this really and think I should never have become a parent. Does anyone else feel like this?

Why won't your H work?

He does work, just in a role he enjoys and won't push ahead or change to earn. His salary cannot support the family and I earn 3 times what he does.

Your 3 year old is just being a 3 year old. That will get better. However you seem burnt out which will make homelife feel impossible.

Do you have access to any therapy from work?

I think this is much more about you and the way you feel than about them. You sound just exhausted and sad.

Logically, how can a 3 year old actively hate you? It's natural that if DH has the primary caring role that the 3 year old will look to him for care.

A 7 year old will have occasional meltdowns. They are still learning how to handle big feelings.

I think this is a marriage problem really. You are feeling the stress of being the main breadwinner and are envious of DH being able to do a job he enjoys and be primary carer for the children, because you are bringing in the money. I would be sitting down with him and seeing how you can balance this a bit more. For example, could you work 4 days a week and have enough money coming in? That would give you a consistent drop off and collection day and time with the 3 year old.

Incidentally, they aren't making you cry. Your interpretation of the reasons for their behaviour (that they hate you) is making you cry. This is faulty thinking. Change the story you tell yourself "3 year old is crying because he's overtired and cranky", for example, and it will change the way you react. You have the power to influence your own responses by the stories you tell yourself about situations, the way you interpret them. Your emotionally neglectful childhood has maybe made you feel powerless in managing feelings, but it's a really important thing to understand as a parent. Our kids don't hate us, unless we are seriously abusive, and even then not usually in early childhood. They rely on us as stable bases, of unconditional positive regard.

Huge stress for you.

Please do not take what your kids say to you seriously.

Continue to be steady and calm. You are doing a great job.

Your h has to step up. Get a different er job. Something

Yes maybe you're right. I'm so tired and sad. But I work in the kind of job which is 24/7, no 4 day weeks available! Any change would have to be a huge lifestyle change and I'd be taking things like private school off the table if I stop earning.

Do you think private school is that important?

If you live in a decent area the state schools are likely to be decent too. Don't put yourself on fire for something that is not a necessity.

No, I don't, but DH is very keen.

I think I'm just tired. Get up with kids every day, get them ready, then to work, and then work after I've put them to bed plus weekend evenings. Never fully present as always thinking about work.

Well stop private school and all the other things that you can live without and improve your work life balance. Nothing is worth this amount of stress. Your children would probably much rather have a mum who is s present, calm and loving. This isn't the rehearsal.

Again, a marriage issue.

Tell DH you are burning out and something has to give. Private school is a luxury that is not worth your relationship with the children not your mental health.

He can pay for private school then 🤷🏻‍♀️

Your last paragraph is really helpful. I tie myself in knots about validating feelings Vs being firm on unacceptable expressions of them (hitting me, throwing missiles at me!). Then I feel huge guilt after every interaction that I've done something wrong. Pretty sure my eldest is picking up on this insecurity in some way.

Jesus take private school off the table. It will kill you. If DH wants DH earns to provide. We have just downsized our house to reduce outgoings because both of us less stressed about meeting financial outgoings is a family win. Do not take on a commitment of over 20 years of this job (school plus uni) if you are not both sharing the commitment and loving it.

If your husband is so keen on private school he can get a better paying job.
I recommend some therapy for you. If you've already had some then you probably need more and specifically a trauma specialist.

Why are you doing the childcare stuff both ends of the school/nursery day? If DH wants to do something lower paid that he enjoys surely he can take on some flexibility too. Give you a bit of time to yourself and prevent you from being the parent who’s doing all the admin stuff.
What would he do if you weren’t there?

If DH is keen on private school he can get off his lazy arse and earn a bit more.
Id tell him that. And plan for a good local state school. Nothing wrong with the majority of them.

Tell him you’re burnt out and you can take this job any more. So there are going to have to be changes. It could even mean moving? Or reducing from two cars or holidays to one or whatever. You cant go on like this.

Seriously OP , if your DH thinks private schools are definitely needed he needs to step up .
I mean this kindly , you have a marital problem here .
You should not be shouldering this amount of responsibility alone .
Take care and look
after yourself . You sound close to burn out

So you're making yourself miserable to earn luxuries you don't even need. Stop it!

Maybe a parenting class would be helpful, OP? Not because you are a bad parent - you really aren't - but because they give you an explicit code (usually Rules, play, ignore) that you can use that will help you stop the guilt and anxiety bestowed on you by your own childhood? It feels like you just lack confidence in your parenting and feel deskilled and disempowered.

You could look up "the incredible years" parenting programme. There are books if there's no actual course near by. It's evidence based x

This! A million times this.

I knew a mum who worked in a high stress role, finance in the City, so that she could afford private school..she was such an emotional wreck that it impacted her children. She gave up and the change was dramatic and so nice to see.

Do consider a different job as the quality of your life is important. Your DC do need you and are approaching an age when it's easier to parent and much more enjoyable. Don't waste it on working all hours.

Get some counselling/coaching as there is likely to be a route into a better path.

Massively agree with @Chafing
I actually use a lot of the parenting techniques i am trying to use my child myself (deep breaths, walk away take a beat
...)

Also..
This time of year is also difficult a lot of people are on the their last good nerve anyway.

Re private
No, I don't, but DH is very keen

Presumably you are talking secondary only? that's 300k per child roughly with all thr extras and inflation factored in
I'd be saying to DH thats fine i am willing to do half... where is your 300k coming from?

Dh and i both make +£100k and just flat took private school off the table due to the additional pressure it was creating within ourselves.

I think your marriage and your job sounds like a lot of your problems. The travel is so hard with young kids. I'll be doing 4 trips next year and feintly dreading it.

So what does your H do- does he do the grunt work at home to make up for this is he taking that role on

and why does he want private school but not earn

you have a marriage issue not a parenting one

I agree with all the DH posts but it's very hard to ask someone to stop something they enjoy and do something like the thing that is killing me!
It's a vicious circle - What's the point in doing my job if I can't do something like private school for my kids. But to be honest, we need a decent income to just house ourselves if DH doesn't step up so any alternative still needs to be relatively senior for me.

I do a lot of kid stuff because I feel guilty. He does a lot, too, but somehow I have to do the hard stuff like discipline. I'm definitely not the fun parent which grates at times.

Yes I think it needs to be taken off the table completely, otherwise it's just hovering there as something possible. And it comes up every time there is an issue at primary school, when in reality it won't be the solution to all struggles.