On the verge of walking out forever

[Floraposte1]

On the edge of a nervous breakdown as pretty sure my children hate me. 7 y/o is generally fine but occasionally has huge meltdowns - screaming, kicking out, throwing things at me. 3 y/o only wants Daddy and seems to hate me. I am the breadwinner in a highly stressful role so am away for a night a few times a month and can't do all school drops/pick ups. DH won't try to earn anymore so it's all on me.

When I really put my victim hat on, I feel like my boss at work, my DH and my kids are taking advantage of me and trying to exploit my weaknesses. I was emotionally neglected as a child so have tried so hard not to repeat this with my children - it's always at the front of my mind - but clearly I'm failing. They make me cry (not in front of them) multiple times per week and I'm just so exhausted by all. Pretty sure everyone would be better if I just left and sent money to them. I can't see another way out of this really and think I should never have become a parent. Does anyone else feel like this?

Tbh only 7% of children attend private school. It's not the end of the world not to earn enough for private school. Get a grip.

This this this. If you hate your job it’s a different story, but that’s not quite the feeling I get from your posts.

I was you 10 years ago, but the difference was that DH realised he needed to facilitate me being the best I possibly could at my job for the good of the whole family. I did the odd school run but he did 80%, all the after school activities, most of the bath and bedtimes. I really prioritised DD at weekends. I have a thriving career and DD and I are very close.

Oh,and we definitely abandoned any idea of private school. No normal human can pay for that any more alongside a mortgage.

You are in this position purely because you never ever learnt as a child and now an adult to look after yourself. You keep going until you drop. Letting more and more pile on your plate. There is no self care, no time to even notice your own needs. You are programmed to just keep saying yes and feeling tremendous guilt, because you are conditioned as a neglected child to keep doing what’s familiar. Neglect is all you have ever known.

Bless you op, please take at least a few days off and find a good registered counsellor.

Absolutely. Ultimate irony of this is that it makes me excellent at my job and at things like planning and passing exams.... So my parents gave me that! I am so desperate to find a way to give my children a different experience.

For me, it's not just the pure exhaustion, getting fat and unhealthy working so much while also being a very present parent....but also the memory of my own parents working all the time, never going to parents evening, me coming home to an empty house every day since age 12, my mother being grumpy and resentful ALL THE FUCKING TIME etc etc. I want to pick my child up from school, make them dinner etc.

Basically I can see myself turning into my mother and I don't want it

I'm not cut out to be a SAHM so I will still be working but I have saved enough for an excellent house deposit and we will scale back our ambitions so I can work more human hours. Even if DH wasn't supportive, i think I'd leave him than sacrifice myself for everyone else.

Yes I also came home to an empty house from age 11 and it was 'fine', except not really! They didn't even leave me any snacks to eat, which gave me some weird food issues.

My DH is big into health and fitness so add healthy, made from scratch food for everyone (which agree is ideal but.. ) plus regular workouts to my epic to do list. It's just too much, no slack anywhere.

Wait you cook to his specifications

and who does the work out you or him?

he is totally your issue what gives him all the power and none of the responsibility

I agree, he insists you work long hours to fund him while also doing all the domestic shit?

How do these men do it?!

Yes I cook and meal plan. And we both workout - he feels its important, which it is, but I'm too tired for it. Slightly embarrassing writing it all down!

Don’t be embarrassed, view this as the point when you start to see things clearly. Why isn’t he cooking for the kids? Why are you meal planning? It’s always helpful to think what a man in your position would do and expect. Time for a come to Jesus conversation with him, surely…

Again why does he get all the power and much less of the responsibility

you aren’t happy so start to think about YOU

Your dh isn't really doing much is he? If you're doing the mornings, putting to beds, meals, meals planning plus working full-time and travelling to and from work. You're doing the jobs of 2 parents.
You sound burnout. Anyone would be in that situation. I'm exhausted just reading that.
You need a serious conversation with your dh. Things need to change. Why is only him that gets to do a job he enjoys?
Private school really isn't worth it.
Your dcs need 2 healthy parents. Doesn't sound like you've even got the energy to enjoy them, understandably.
You're putting your dhs needs before your own and he's being very selfish. If you need to downsize and change your job so be it.
Money isn't everything.

I think partly you feel a little guilty for being away and as you say not doing all pick ups and drop offs but actually it is great for them to see mummy being successful and following her dreams. It is also good for them to see daddy as an active parent as so many man are not. I don't think they hate you, kids are just very irrational and struggle to communicate their emotions well. It feels like you have a lot on and I really sympathise its really not easy, but you are doing absolutely the best you can do! Maybe things are not perfect or ideal but hopefully its just a season and things will get a bit better and smoother as the times goes on.

DH does not get to call the shots about private school if you are stumping up most of the money. It sounds like you are exhausted and need a better work life balance. A 24/7 job sounds dreadful.

Sounds like a conversation with your DH is needed as he seems to have a much bigger voice in what happens at home than you. Also why does he get to be the fun parent and you the disciplinarian. If he brings in less money, less stressful job and shorter hours with no travel he needs to be doing the bulk of childcare, housework, life admin etc. you do the fun stuff with the kids and if you don’t fancy the gym or healthy eating don’t do it.

So you're saying that you're burning yourself out as the main wage order not only Maine but three times with your husband makes, he gets to do a job that he loves and only do what he wants to do when he wants to do it, and he gets to be the fun parent because he has no stress at work, and you're totally stressed, and you would love to take less responsibilities/ easier role for yourself but you feel that you can't because if you did that your kids couldn't go to private school and you don't care if they go to private school but your husband wants them to go to private school. Your husband who earns a fraction of what you make? Well when he can pay for the private school, he can have a bigger say as to whether or not the kids go to private school. Because right now, you're killing yourself to the point that you're ready to walk away from your whole family, over the stress. This is no life for you. Your kids aren't going to have a great life with a mom who's totally totally stressed. Your marriage is not going to be good when your husband gets to do whatever he likes and you have to pick up all the pieces.

Good lord I can see why you're burning out - your husband is absolutely taking the piss.

You sound really burnt out OP and I'm not suprised you feel how you do. But honestly your children will 100% benefit from happy, healthy parents than they will from going to private school. I went to state school along with 99% of the population and its absolutey fine. Still have a lot of the same friends I do now and I wasn't held back at all.

You sound exhausted @Floraposte1
and I remember that feeling well. Please do not feel emotionally bullied into paying for private school. I spent over £150k and was a relatively low earner so basically all my earnings went on trying to do my best for my daughter’s education. I take full responsibility as my husband wanted her to go to a state school (he paid for everything else).

She didn’t do her homework, behaved badly in lessons until at the point of expulsion I moved her to another fee paying school of her choice (she refused to go to the decent state school near us). It certainly was not the idyllic experience I had hoped for.

She was bright and got all As at GCSE without trying but then struggled at A Level as she didn’t put in any work. She still managed to get into a top university by taking a year out and reapplying but then didn’t study at all (that cost another £30k for accommodation etc).

She was later sacked from several jobs but pretended to work whilst scrounging off me to impress people. Every time I tried to put a stop to it she would threaten to kill herself. Other people say they believe she would have done it so it was a very real threat.

She bagged a rich husband and never has to work again which suits her. What a waste though and I bitterly resent her disrespect of how hard I worked and how appallingly I let her treat me.

You only get one life. Please don’t waste yours in misery and start making some changes now.

I've read more of your replies and I'm absolutely not suprised you feel how you do. I'd view how you are feeling now as a catalyst that things have to change. No one should be burning themselves out or making themselves ill in the way you do. How come your husband gets to make all the decisions and decide what is important yet you're the one left having to do all the work?

If your husband wants the kids to go to private school then he can get a job that pays the fees. Your job sounds absolutely awful with evening and weekend work. If you took private school fees out the equation, could you afford to look at a different role with less stress or a new job?

Also there needs to be a better balance between you and your husband in sharing out tasks? Why are you doing all the childcare, meal prep and shopping? What does your husband do? There's a good card game here that you can get on amazon that can help with this https://www.fairplaylife.com/the-cards

So, do you think this is sustainable for you for saying, the next 20 or 30 years? Your husband has a job he likes (good for him) and refuses to change. You're burning yourself out at work. You sound sad and depressed. There needs to be compromise. Either you scaling down or him scaling up or both. If not you're risking your mental health.
And your kids don't hate you. 🩷

Actually, re reading the thread, what is the point of your bloody husband?

Is even taking sick leave for a few weeks while children are in school/nursery an option too? Just having that head space to rest and reset and make a clear plan might be beneficial too.

I do a lot of the kid stuff because I feel guilty

This is the crux of it, along with you doing all the cooking. Traditionally, the one with the high earning breadwinner role in the family doesn't do this! You and your DH need to take a long hard look at your roles and what is expected of you both- and chuck unhelpful gender stereotypes out of the window-because at the moment it seems you're trying to be both breadwinner and primary caregiver. No wonder you're burnt out!

I think you should take yourself off for a week's solitary break and do some thinking.