On the verge of walking out forever

[Floraposte1]

On the edge of a nervous breakdown as pretty sure my children hate me. 7 y/o is generally fine but occasionally has huge meltdowns - screaming, kicking out, throwing things at me. 3 y/o only wants Daddy and seems to hate me. I am the breadwinner in a highly stressful role so am away for a night a few times a month and can't do all school drops/pick ups. DH won't try to earn anymore so it's all on me.

When I really put my victim hat on, I feel like my boss at work, my DH and my kids are taking advantage of me and trying to exploit my weaknesses. I was emotionally neglected as a child so have tried so hard not to repeat this with my children - it's always at the front of my mind - but clearly I'm failing. They make me cry (not in front of them) multiple times per week and I'm just so exhausted by all. Pretty sure everyone would be better if I just left and sent money to them. I can't see another way out of this really and think I should never have become a parent. Does anyone else feel like this?

Good advice on here. Please take it. Not sure private schools will do your children much good when they never see you as you’re always working and it’s time with parents and a loving relationships that’s more important. As you parent less and have past trauma, you’re probably over thinking things. Your children do not hate you. They’ll love you. You and your husband are their most important people. You sound ill. Make yourself well for your sake and their sake. Speak to your husband as a priority and insist that this cannot go on. If he wants private school, he can pay. If he cannot afford it then don’t. There’s plenty of good schools around. Go on a parenting course / go to more counselling to increase your confidence. You’re stressed and need a break. Take some annual leave. Change jobs. Change schools. Reduce spending. It will make you less calm, less stressed and happier. Your children will be happier and calmer too.

If dh is very keen then tell him to get a job that will pay for it or they can go to normal school, the cheeky fucker!

Why are you doing everything before and after work? Your husband sounds like a selfish prick.

Seriously think about yourself a bit more like he does.

This is not a sustainable situation at all. Private school is not necessary, your children will have far better life chances if they grow up in a family that is happy, and that spends time together, and go to state school. And a family that has time for educational trips / learning at home / support from parents. You will begin to get huge resentment (if you don’t already have this) towards your DH, who is putting unreasonable expectations on you, in terms of private school. Kids are very adaptable at that age - if you can change what you do with them, and how present you are with them, then their behaviour and the family dynamic will very quickly change. Both of my sons had very difficult / challenging times around the ages of 6 & 7 - I think there is a testosterone surge at around this time in their development. My eldest was really angry all the time at 7, but this did eventually pass. My youngest son struggled due to lack of attention at age 6/7 (because we had dc3 arrive). What we did was a series of 1-to-1 days, we did one each weekend, rotating who got to spend time with who, and gave each child the ‘control’ for the day, to decide (out of a shortlist) where to go for a special day out (with the parent whose turn it was), and to decide where to have lunch (out of a shortlist), and then at the gift shop, they could choose a gift for themselves, and for the sibling who had not come on the day trip. It was a really good way to refocus attention on the child, and to give them a sense of control. With my youngest son, the effects were almost immediate (and miraculous) - after the first special day out with me (without the baby), his behaviour was transformed.

I suspect your workload / hours is playing a massive part in this. From one parent to another, please let me gently say that you are building up much much bigger problems for the future (about family dynamics, and how your dc cope as teens and adults), so you need to take action on this now.

ps - part of me wonders whether you are the dad, and it is the mum who is insisting on private school, while earning a third less!

You are completely burnt out, the job is too much. Hand in notice for the private school start looking for a new job.

You need to tell your H you can’t do it all anymore. He needs to step up by parenting in full including discipline and increasing his income and/or reducing his outgoings as you heading for a breakdown.

You are worth far more to your DC with decent mental health than private school is.

I am the mum for the poster who asked!

Private school would be secondary - they are not in it now.

No to private school.
Unless dh comres up with funds to pay. You do not need that pressure.

Your kids are being kids.

Get some counselling sessions space for you.
Make sure to do something for you whether that s cto5k for you or get everyone to parkrun or join a choir. Or yoga.

DH and I both earn 6 figures.

We both work away - me more than him these days. My job is far more reactive but we both have periods of high stress, high intensity working.

He does practically all the school runs. I don’t see myself as less of a parent because of that. We are both loving, supportive parents and partners and DD doesn’t see either of us as the “default parent”.

DD isn’t in private school because we are both opposed to it.

I think you’ve fallen into a trap of thinking you have to be the primary parent because you are mum. Or that not being the default parent makes you a bad mum. This simply isn’t true - nobody applies these standards to men, for whom this is a common scenario.

if you are only doing your current job in order to provide things other people want more than you, that’s a sure route to burnout. If you enjoy your job then you need to review what kind of parent you can/want to be and adjust your relationship accordingly.

Loads of great advice on this thread @Floraposte1. Please take it. The hardest thing in tackling a problem is often identifying that there's a problem in the first place, which you've done. You've got this. Best of luck.

And I can guarantee that it won't be better if you left.

Then I think you need a proper conversation to close it out / shut it down so its off your mental plate...

By the by... our area generally has decent primaries but I spoke to a very experienced/ reputable HT in our area after a school tour. i had a few questions and we got into a big chat. She told me i would be absolutely shocked at the volume of enquiries from parents who want to know about yr1 /2 etc places from parents who have children at reputationally excellent preps and are very unhappy. She said some of the stories she heard from them were eyebrow raising to say the least.
They CANNOT get places so are stuck are paying ££££ for a shitty education. That wpuld be a bitter pill for me personally as it would be earned not GPs paying or some family trust...

Private is NOT a silver bullet.

Also in terms of arguing your point with your dh re: the childrens futures the 300k would be far better spend on a deposit for a house vs a lot of private options. I cant really imagine shelling out unless it was westminster, st pauls etc..

Separate to that...
at home i have some "systems" and they help give me the illusion of control. 😅
So washing is done on certain days for certain children...
it goes on overnight, finishing at 7am. It dries in the day and that evening gets put away during bedtime play /routine.

bathtime The kids have eczema so i reduced the bathrtimes not having them every evening has made life miles easier amd skin management is easier too.
We somehow had about 8 kids towels i got rid of 5 of them. 1 each and a spare.

Good luck - its tough.
Try and find small ways to make it easier.

Might also be worth looking at changing your job.. my old boss was ruining my mental health...yes market is reasonably grim. I certainly had a rude awakening in h1. But i did manage to get 2 offers after about 4 months of looking: there are jobs out there.

I feel op. I shouldn’t have become a mum either, it has ruined my physical and mental health and i also wish i could leave. I have become a slave to everyone else’s requirements.

Does your DH have any idea how close to the brink you are? If he’s too dense to see that you are being driven beyond your capacity, you will have to spell it out for him. You aren’t a service animal, he can’t just expect you to work yourself to death so he can have his cake and eat it. If private school is so important to him, then he can’t have the luxury of prioritising his own pleasure over earning. If working in a lower paid job because he loves it is important to him, then he can’t insist on private school and just expect you to pick up the slack.

No wonder it hurts that the children show preference for him - he has a job he loves, a great work-life balance and the opportunity to have close relationships with his children. He has that wonderful set-up because YOU are flogging yourself into an early grave to facilitate it for him! I’m really angry for you. You need to do some serious talking - he needs a reality check, and there needs to be a rebalancing of all the dynamics and responsibilities. You deserve better.

I'm so sorry to hear you're suffering this way 😢God bless you 🫂
I think it's predominantly down to your exhaustion that you're feeling so low & permitting your loved ones treatment & attitudes to take it's toll so much
Completely comprehendable & really feel if you were somehow, able to change the circumstances by being present more oftentimes, you would not only feel less exhausted, but you would feel much more appreciated, valued, loved
You already are all of these things but it's so difficult to feel them when you're so understandably fatigued & overworked
It's unfair that you're not currently able to spend more time with your Beloved Children, but this most surely can change & as they mature, they will know how to show their appreciation of you much more 💚My Beloved Mum was a nurse & worked all the hours God sent But although, I mightn't have been able to show it when I was younger, I always absolutely adored my dear Mum🫂
You're your sweet Children's one & only devoted, unconditionally loving, marvelous Mum 🫂
No one can or ever could, ever take your precious place
💚🫂💚

My DH knows I'm at the brink but he's also used to me pulling myself together and cracking on. No willingness really to think outside the box (e.g smaller house and mortgage free). Ultimately he loves having money and everything that comes with that but manages to get away without actually earning any! I also like being comfortable but for me there is a tipping point of earnings where it's not worth the mental health impact of pushing ahead. We save thousands every month so we're not flashy but it also not necessary...

Time to tell him straight that you can’t do it anymore so unless he steps up financially there will have to be lifestyle changes.

He can pay the fees then.

@Floraposte1 what does he bring to your life other than ridiculous expectations about a lifestyle he is too lazy to facilitate

My son is only 18 months but I understand you on being the breadwinner. Our setup is similar, I'm a corporate lawyer making 5x DH salary, he's in a job he loves. I struggled working 60 hour weeks in a horrible pregnancy, went back to work at 6 months to get the full pay, while pumping etc. Really struggle with not being there for my child.

My parents were workaholics and I hated it.

The difference is DH has been nothing but supportive and understanding and we've decided I need to quit and get a more normal job. I am handing in my resignation in January (waiting for my December pay) and we have set in motion the plans for the next chapter in our lives.

I think it's different for men. They don't need to ruin their bodies in pregnancy, they don't breastfeed, don't pump while working etc.

You have a marriage problem rather than a parenting problem. Especially if he's not doing the hard stuff, letting you be the bad guy etc.

Family counselling.

Sounds so similar to me. Had 2 x 6 month mat leaves. I honestly feel that the exhaustion is just really getting to me now. I've literally never slept beyond 7am in 7 years and am regularly on a commuter train at 6.30am. I'm just really struggling to think of a transferable career path and, frankly, not confident that I'm in sound enough mind to make any decisions.

Any chance you could take a sabbatical time off to think things through and work it out - you clearly have the savings

Yes, I absolutely could. Obviously it's a big step to do that and I'm not sure if having no job would make me more anxious. Also worried that my eldest would love it so much they wouldn't want me to go back to work (I get a lot of comments about not being the mummy who is always there, can do after school playdates and go into school to read etc). But honestly I'm running out of ground to adjust things to make my life fit around my job - it's just too all consuming.

I mean not a sabbatical from my job - that couldn't happen as I'm a standalone role, nobody to cover - but I could quit completely for a while.

Step back and let OH be the main parent and let him just get on with it. If you were a man earning x 3 salary, this is what they would do.

Could you get a new job easily if so I would do so regroup and figure out a system that doesn’t involve you sacrificing everything