Child tells us absolutely nothing about school

[marathonmumm]

Our son aged 5.5 in Year 1 tells us nothing about school, and I mean zero. He just refuses. We have tried all the tricks and followed all the advice of no pressure, not asking, telling him about our days, making jokes and games out of it, and finally leaving it complete and joking diverting will vibe out when he’s colouring or something. But still nothing.

We don’t know anything he gets up to, anything he enjoys or dislikes, what he’s eaten or who he’s played with.

After school (after school club) he’s knackered so we don’t push it, but even when rested at weekends he says nothing about it.

I have spoken to the teacher at parents evening who had no major concerns, said he was very polite and independent, and occasionally struggles to concentrate during phonics, but otherwise the school report was good.

there has been an issue of a boy bullying other children and my DS was hit once but it was resolved we think and (unfortunately for them) another boy was the primary target and my son was just in the way. The school were good. Overall my son is confident with other children and stands up for himself.

I obviously end up worrying about the concentration issue or the bullying issue and wondering if it’s all a million times worse than I thought, but he never opens up.

I’m gutted and feeling very sad about the loss of connection with him. We are open with him and have always told him he can share anything, and we don’t shout or shame him about mistakes or anything- we are patient and loving and he knows he is loved. So I’m so sad he’s just refusing to open up to us at all.

Does anyone have any experience of this?

Also I meant to add, I was naively hoping that after the challenge of the toddler years we would have a period of relative calm during primary school before the tweens hit, but I feel like I’ve got a moody teenager already!

Completely and utterly normal. I think either they are like yours (and mine) or they give you every last detail down to the colour of the teachers socks.

This is normal. My DS is the same age, we got a rewards chart and he gets one of his stickers for telling us about his day, it has helped massively and we’ve gone from not being told anything to being told quite a bit.

My DS was like this. He's now at uni and I still have no idea what he gets up to! I have another DS and a DD who aren't like this at all. Some kids are just more reserved.

Very common, especially with boys. I don't hear anything about school either

If my eldest was to be believed, she did absolutely nothing at all, and spoke to no one, from year one to six 🤣. It’s normal. (That said my youngest made up for it, she wouldn’t shut up 🤣)

Ok gosh, that’s helpful to know! Is it normal that he’s so grumpy and tired after school? I do put him to bed early and he always gets 10.5 hours sleep. I just feel like my connection with him has vanished since it feels like I’m just sat with this grumpy boy who doesn’t want to speak to me every evening.

He won’t even reply with the word “nothing” - he literally refuses to say a word or speak about it!

I don’t ask my son about his day, I tell him about mine. I’ll tell him some things that happened, what things I liked, what things I didn’t enjoy. He then tells me about his day. I started doing that because I realised we always asked him (“I don’t know” “I played” “I don’t remember”) but we never share our own daily lives with him. I want him to know that we are people with our own lives separate to him and interesting things happen in our day. He opens up more to that.

when my kids were this age and they wouldn't tell me anything about their day I used to say 'I peeked in the classroom and saw you playing with James' there would be much protesting and they would tell me who they were really playing with - Tom 😆. Same with schoolwork 'I saw you painting' 'No i was doing maths' @😆always provoked a discussion about the day. 😆.

Completely normal. I work in a reception class and vast majority of parents say the same. "He tells me nothing!"

My DD was like that. Got diddly squat from her. I'd always ask How was school? What did you do today?

I got "I don't know" / "nothing" / "can't remember". Happy, academic child. We laughed about it then and we laugh about it with her now. We're very close and she tells me everything.

DS was the opposite. Biggest gossip ever. "Adam's mum got a new car but he doesn't like it because its white and not blue and white isn't really a colour and the boot smells a bit funny. Miss was wearing trousers that were really noisy when she walked so I couldn't do my work."

Ask him how his day was and move on. There's nothing deep and meaningful at play here. Don't stress.

I know it’s stereotypical but knew nothing about my sons school days until his sister joined him 2 years later !!

I don’t think you can have read my original post. I already said that we’ve been trying that and trying all these strategies to no avail.

Some children find it difficult to navigate the gap between school and home. It doesn’t necessarily mean they dislike school, it is just that it is completely separate from home, and they want to keep it that way (not always consciously). They don’t want to bring school home with them.
If your DS were to go somewhere else without you - a day with their dad for example - would he tell you about that?

Do you share the negative aspects of your day? My son responds well to knowing we have our tricky moments too and opens up more about his own little worries.

In my experience it’s a boy child thing! Both of my DSs had always done “nothing” at all at school EVERY day.

With my DD if I asked her “what did you do today” I had to be prepared to listen intently for 20 minutes 🤣.

Love this!

Not quite the same, and sorry for taking thread off track, but reminded me of the other day in school, reception child A was denying point blank that he'd hit another child - child B.

Child A - I didn't hit him. He's lying.
B - He did hit me!
A - I didn't. Definitely didn't hit him. No I didn't. No.
This went on for a very long time. I was starting to think that A had not actually hit him.
Me: Where do you think A hit you?
B - [points to his chest and shoulder]
A - NO I DIDN'T, I PUNCHED YOU ON THE TUMMY!

Hard to keep a straight face at his brass necked indignation while inadvertently confessing.

(All kids OK BTW. All friends.)

None of my kids really ever told me about school, especially at primary. One of my friends had a DC who was a narrator who would tell her every detail of every day and it drove her up the wall. My kids are better now, with some prompting. (Late teens.)

My son was like this, used to drive me crazy, he also never did 'show & tell' & often refused to dress up for world book day. He's now 18 & doing an apprenticeship & he doesn't tell me about that either. It's a bit sad really as I'm genuinely interested in his life but he's a bit of a closed book. He's always seemed happy enough & has a nice group of friends but I'm not allowed to ask about them! (Lucky I see them around & know their mums). Good luck! Xx

Yes I do, I always try that.

Aw see, this I find so sad. I only have one child and hoped I’d have a good and close relationship with him as he grew up and beyond. I’m starting to think it might not happen.

Of course you can still have a close relationship with him. Keep enjoying the moments you spend with him. Its nice to hear what they've been up to but him not recounting his day in primary school has no bearing on your relationship with your son.

Isn't it that little ones live in the moment so once it's finished thats it. I was told most young children aren't able to put themselves back in time ?

Dd1 is now in year 4 and apparently can never remember anything from school
Dd2 is in reception and she tells us all the gossip
Just sone like to talk and done don't feel the need to. I think they like that school stays at school

A T-Rex could walk through their school and eat 5 kids at lunchtime and you’d still hear nothing. Totally normal and most parents’ experience I suspect