Child tells us absolutely nothing about school

[marathonmumm]

Our son aged 5.5 in Year 1 tells us nothing about school, and I mean zero. He just refuses. We have tried all the tricks and followed all the advice of no pressure, not asking, telling him about our days, making jokes and games out of it, and finally leaving it complete and joking diverting will vibe out when he’s colouring or something. But still nothing.

We don’t know anything he gets up to, anything he enjoys or dislikes, what he’s eaten or who he’s played with.

After school (after school club) he’s knackered so we don’t push it, but even when rested at weekends he says nothing about it.

I have spoken to the teacher at parents evening who had no major concerns, said he was very polite and independent, and occasionally struggles to concentrate during phonics, but otherwise the school report was good.

there has been an issue of a boy bullying other children and my DS was hit once but it was resolved we think and (unfortunately for them) another boy was the primary target and my son was just in the way. The school were good. Overall my son is confident with other children and stands up for himself.

I obviously end up worrying about the concentration issue or the bullying issue and wondering if it’s all a million times worse than I thought, but he never opens up.

I’m gutted and feeling very sad about the loss of connection with him. We are open with him and have always told him he can share anything, and we don’t shout or shame him about mistakes or anything- we are patient and loving and he knows he is loved. So I’m so sad he’s just refusing to open up to us at all.

Does anyone have any experience of this?

Yes, there's articles about brain development that explain it. A lot of young children CAN'T yet recount their day the way we can. They may not be able to express it and formulate the words.

Plus, I think most kids come out of school so fried they need to decompress so it would make this process virtually impossible for them.

I'm useless explaining things but if you Google why my child doesn't tell me about their day, or words to that effect, I'm sure you'll find info. Its a thing. Your son isn't choosing to keep his day from you. He isn't that shrewd! He's only wee.😁

He is my only child! he's just quite independent & private despite me being very open in discussions & making it clear I'm here for him no matter what. He does have a cracking sense of humour so we definitely bond over that.

All you can do is chat to your husband over the dinner table about each other’s days and model sharing about your days and your lives and hopefully he’ll eventually start to share about his too.

My now 30yr old DD was exactly like this. It’s pretty normal

Something I’ve found helpful to develop conversations around school is to find out what they’re learning about/ what their topic is through the school’s website. I’ve then used books, visits to places, etc to expand their knowledge and share learning which has led to my son talking more about school.

You could also show your child photos from when you were at school which might open up more conversations comparing his experience. But if it’s any comfort, my child who can be quite chatty about school, will also make lots of things up and tell them in a very convincing way so I never know what to believe. For example he’ll tell me he’s had the wrong dinner and different teachers which have turned out not to be true. I’ve learned to not make a big deal about it.

Completely normal. Both my sons were like this. The 17yo still is.

Some children find it hard work to put together the words to explain what happened. My younger daughter was like this. She would say "I don't know" or "I don't remember" instead. If your son is tired, it's going to be easier for him to do this than think out an answer.

Some children like this have a speech and language problem but others just find it more work than they fancy.

Do you have any other concerns?

If there was a problem at school, you'd know about it from school so try to put those worries aside. FWIW I teach phonics and even I think its boring (I do my best to jazz it up a bit!) a LOT of 5 year olds find it hard to stay focussed!

My kids were both like this.

and still are tbh. In Y5 and Y9

tbey will usually talk if sat next to me in a car on a journey so long as I don’t question them
otherwise I hear very little.

no news is good news!!!

My DD school for all i am allowed to know is MI6 training camp and i dont have the correct security clearance- shes been like this all the way through.

my DS i bribe with biscuits on the 15 minute drive home 2 good things and a bad thing… it means atleast i hear some stuff about school.

Are there volunteering opportunities at school? Those can help you get to see your child with friends. Eg helping with a school trip.

Are you friends with any other mums? Anyone with a chatty child? I found if I knew lots of what was going on in class I could ask better questions.

Do you get to see the school books? Would he like to look at his work with you?

I found all the stories came out at bedtime when I lay down beside him for a little while. Have you tried that?

This made me laugh. So true!!!

i may have to try the biscuit bribe….!

You might only get stories about football and Pe and if you are really lucky lunch…. I sometimes add in what happened today that would surprise me? Got a story about classmates kissing in a ditch….. they can be great storytellers if you can unlock them.

Oh yes - lunch! When DS didn't seem to remember anything about his school day he was usually able to answer the question "what did you have for lunch?". Try that @marathonmumm!

My DS was the same. And stayed the same! He was in year 8 when he said nothing interesting had happened at school, and I was talking to another parent the next day and discovered that the building they were in had been struck by lightning!

For my son, it has to be right after school. his knowledge of the day seems to disappear in about half an hour.. so unless I ask him while walking/driving home, there is no chance, his attention will have been grabbed by many more exciting things.

I don't know if it would work for you, but what I did was just slowly build up questions, and ask the same ones each day.. then eventually he got the hang of it, and the need to remember and recall what he did became normal. But also, asking questions they actually care about. E.g. "What did you learn about" still is only occasionally gets a good response, but "what did you have for lunch" and "what did you play?" get much better answers for me.

I had success with really specific questions like what story did Mr green read today? And then often that would open up comments about other things. Because often the story would relate to some art work or other activity.

Your DS sounds like school is really tiring him out and that may have some impact. I would try asking him only on days when he seems less tired or even just not ask him at all for a week or so. He’s only little and still adjusting.

Normal.

Hated age 6. Ds was grumpy and moody. He was a delightful toddler and we never had the terrible twos or threes.

Suffice to say he became 7 and it was all ok.

Just watch out for 9/10. Tweens hit.

It was same with my 2. We eventually found ways of getting tidbits. Oh and they remember what they eat for pudding.
Although at first, my first born ate the most fantastic foods in reception. Roast pork with crackling and truffles, wine and beer at lunch, the fanciest. This was a local poorly funded Catholic school. It was of course from me watching great British menu in his presence 😂

I have a daughter at uni. Exactly the same. I’d love to know what she was doing. What she was studying. What her essay was about. She’s not interested in telling me. She’s always been like that.

I remember my parents asking me what I'd done at school, and not telling them anything because I didn't think it was anything to do with them - they weren't there, so why did they need to know? School was my thing, and my space.

I'm still not great at talking about my day, but now it's largely because I don't think it's interesting for anyone else.

Before I opened the thread I knew this would be a boy. My DDs classmates mums used to grill her for info about what was going on at school because they heard so little from their boys. She had a fantastic, very close male friendship group from nursery and they're all at uni now. All these boys are wonderful people just not big sharers of information.

My dd is the same age and I hear all about her day. Eventually. If I ask she often can’t remember but if I let her be it’ll all come out. I have to learn all the phonics and associated actions and just this morning had to sit down at the table to learn how to draw the national flag! I’ve also learnt how to make paper airplanes.

Her bestie, also a girl, is like your son. Her mother hears nothing from her so I fill her in. Her older son was completely different.

Both of mine are like this.

Sometimes I get on better if I ask what their friends got up to, then move onto more general questions about whatever friend got up to. Maybe it’s easier to recall what others did that was interesting?