Help me process why I feel off about my partner's choices around his daughter

[catsaremything]

I am in a relationship of 4 years, we both have daughters about 2 years apart age 11 and 13 and share custody with co-parents. I feel blessed both our daughters embrace the relationship and get on well, as I know these configurations can be less than harmonious sometimes if the age or gender gap is too great or clashing parenting styles make those relationships difficult. We live separately but in the same part of London. I have been cautious of blending our families thus far, I feel sensitive that our kids feel comfortable before making a move together and also that our relationship is stable and we have been happy living separately as we both own our own houses. This is a small gripe but I would like help processing my feelings as I don't know if they are jealousy or parental concern and appropriateness and I have had similar feelings in the past. My partner and I don't get much time together due to opposing parenting and work obligations, so there is a feeling of scarcity present and we would love more time together. Anyway, a few weekends ago, my partner took his daughter out for dinner. Before the dinner he took her to another small restaurant for a drink/something to do. This is one of our favourite places it is intimate and cosy and for grown ups. We have had a lot of special memories there. He then wanted to take her to a new wine bar that has just opened which has a lot of buzz around it before going for their meal. I felt a bit pissed off about those choices. Partly because I felt like 'wow, can't he differentiate between a date and time with his daughter?' and 'really? you think it's appropriate to go to a cool buzzy wine bar with your 13 year old daughter on a Saturday evening. How will she feel about that when she is a few years older and may not idolise him or view memories with a different lens'. I guess I still feel both of these thoughts and feelings. I do wonder if it's an appropriate way to spend time with her, is he doing that because she is providing company in a way that adults her before her time? Kids should be kids imo. There is plenty of time for this stuff in adulthood. I kinda feel he is making her bend to his companionship/social needs rather than the other way round. Although am I just feeling this way because she is growing up into a young woman, would I feel the same if he had a son? Yes there is also jealousy. I guess I would like one area of our life to remain 'ours' - romantic and sexy. Time away From parenting. Somehow sharing our haunts feels off. I appreciate how well she shares her Dad with me, and I only feel this way when he does things that I feel represent something I thought of as 'ours'. Am I being out of order? I haven't mentioned anything, and would worry to do so. It's a tricky subject.

Surely she’d prefer cinema, or going out for dessert or a hot choccy!

I agree.

I love to see children in all venues (if they’re tolerably behaved!) There is something great about stereotypically adult places welcoming children and teenagers, it celebrates family life and makes parenting more bearable for those who like to have some sort of adult life!

There are wine bars everywhere.

How will she feel about that when she is a few years older and may not idolise him or view memories with a different lens'.

What sort of different lens, OP?

All my memories of my mum or dad taking me out for a meal to somewhere fancy when I was that sort of age are ones I treasure. They were a glimpse into their lives. A chance to feel grown up. An opportunity to talk on a (sort of!) equal footing. A chance to feel special and the centre of their world. Didn't happen often as mum was not well off and my dad rarely saw us, maybe once a year each. I take my own kids out more often, as does DH.

I did stop idolizing my dad and fairly early because, frankly, he was pretty shit, but those few meals were not the where he failed me and I still look back on them fondly.

You are jealous because you want your partner to take you to a wine bar and a nice restaurant afterwards. And you want to spend more time with your partner than you do currently.

What can you do to sort out your opposing work and parenting schedules? Can one of you switch schedules with the ex partner so both of you are child free at the same time? Can either of you change work schedules so you can see each other more?

Couldn't have said it better. You have admitted you are jealous, please don't ever move in together as the jealousy will kill you. My stepmum was exactly the same, it completely ruined my relationship with my dad for life.

👏🏼👏🏼

OP sounds intense, and odd

Not necessarily- my mum worked nights as a care assistant and over Christmas my dad would take me out to a bar or a nice pub from about the age of 13. I loved it and it made me feel grown up. It was only once a year but it became our tradition.

Now my dad has passed away I look back on those memories very fondly.

Edited to add context that is wasn’t every week!

It is wrong though. Instead of just owning her jealousy, she's trying to sabotage her partner's relationship with his dd by applying a sexual lens to it. This is exactly what my stepmum did and after counselling I learned that this isn't uncommon in a stepmum/stepdaughter dynamic. It worked very well in my case, I haven't had a relationship with my DF since I was late teens.

I don’t get the jealousy bit re the places he took her to, some are clearly just places he likes so probably thought better to go to somewhere he knows is good. Re the wine bar, wouldn’t be the first choice as in I think my DH would probably take our DD for an icecream or a hot chocolate if killing time, something more for her than him, but equally if they just had a bit of time and a new place was open and nearby he might pop in and take her and she’d find it a bit cool. If before dinner, I imagine it was early too.
I think what you’re trying to unpack is the fact that you want to spend more time with him and want those times to be special. His taking her out like this might remind you of the fact that the time you have is limited and perhaps makes you feel like the times you had are less special. But his relationship with his DD is very different to what he has with you and she will always come first. I say this having been married for more than 15 years. Our DD comes first for us both no question.

They're just his favoured, comfortable places - that's why he took her there.
Nothing odd about it IMO.

It feels that you would like to have a special couple place, something for you and him. You'd like to be the one who he wants to explore a new bar with.

And instead of considering it special with you, he took those places and used them as resources for an evening with his daughter.

From what you said, I am not worried about it and general (in)appropriateness as such, but I see if you miss intimacy why losing something you considered your couple place doesn't help.

I understand what you're saying, but I think it's a stretch to say OP is trying to "sabotage" their relationship. From what I can see, she's just trying to work through some awkward and uncomfortable feelings and understand herself better.

She's gaslighting him into thinking that taking her to 'OP's romantic/intimate place' is inappropriate and that she will look back in the future and feel this is wrong. She, by her own admission does not want him taking her to places that she likes/want to go, and has had these feelings previously. OP is trying to sabotage these outings, ergo his relationship with the dd to a certain extent.

Is she though? There's nothing in OP's post that suggests she's even talked to her OH about any of these feelings.

Same here, if it’s happened to you you can see it for what it is unfortunately

Yes it’s really weird and you really would be better dating a man without children because your blinding jealousy is clear. My son has no relationship with his father because of the insecurities and jealousy of a grown ass woman who saw him as a threat. You do not have monopoly on venues and your boyfriend is entitled to take his daughter where he wishes. You have a really weird view of a lovely dad/daughter relationship.

He probably took his previous partners there as well. If he likes the place he might not think of it as just connected to one person like you do OP..

Nope. Most are restaurants and actively encourage kids to attend. The few that are just wine bars are all around bank / st pauls and you can tell which ones as they do not allow kids.

I don't know about London. I haven't visited for donkey's years. Other places exist and they have wine bars.

I stand corrected. She hasn't said anything to him, but in her head she is applying a sexual element to the father/daughter relationship in order to justify why he shouldn't take her to certain places. Even when OP said she's very good at sharing her dad with me shows she has the daughter down as a competitor. My counsellor said it's a primal thing about eliminating perceived competition. I was a very shy, reserved teen but I couldn't sit on the sofa beside my dad without her making comments that I was "lolling over him". I borrowed a pair of his socks once and that became 'evidence' of sexual fantasies .

Mm. I got it at first at face value. But on reflection, I’ve put myself in the shoes of a child, whose dad wants to show he loves her just as much as his partner and she is worthy of similar treats/special outings.

At worst it’s a bit unimaginative, but you might have felt even more jealous if they’d found their own venue and comparison thieve more of your joy.
I would pull your (adult) humility pants on and find a lovely place to take your own daughter out for a mocktail and people watch, that’s your special private family memory.

I don’t mean this to come across as unkind although it reads that way. I just think you need to see it more objectively and be less blinded by love. It would be weird to confront him, keep your dignity intact and don’t x

Sorry you had to experience that. It sounds awful. All I'm saying is, our feelings can be complicated and uncomfortable. Maybe jealousy towards a daughter or step daughter is not that uncommon. Maybe it simply matters how a person handles those thoughts or feelings. I think facing them with a mature curiosity can be helpful in making sure no one ends up being hurt by them. To me, that's what OP seems to be trying to do. Sorry that didn't happen in your case and your stepmother acted terribly towards you.

Perfectly normal to take your daughter to a restaurant you enjoy with your partner. Perfectly normal to have a posh dinner, spoil her and let her feel a little grown up in a more grown up restaurant as a young teen

Wild to take the same daughter at 13 to a romantic wine bar. Creepy and inappropriate. Even if its not inappropriate, it will give that impression and put daughter in an environment where shes certainly judged by other people in the very adult wine bar.

Your jealously, is wildly inappropriate imo too. I understand why youd be concerned, but you do sound more jealous than horrified. This is a child, being put in an adult environment at 13 by the man who should love her most. Would you be cool if this happened with your daughter and dad? At best I think its shortsighted and inappropriate by DP