Help me process why I feel off about my partner's choices around his daughter

[catsaremything]

I am in a relationship of 4 years, we both have daughters about 2 years apart age 11 and 13 and share custody with co-parents. I feel blessed both our daughters embrace the relationship and get on well, as I know these configurations can be less than harmonious sometimes if the age or gender gap is too great or clashing parenting styles make those relationships difficult. We live separately but in the same part of London. I have been cautious of blending our families thus far, I feel sensitive that our kids feel comfortable before making a move together and also that our relationship is stable and we have been happy living separately as we both own our own houses. This is a small gripe but I would like help processing my feelings as I don't know if they are jealousy or parental concern and appropriateness and I have had similar feelings in the past. My partner and I don't get much time together due to opposing parenting and work obligations, so there is a feeling of scarcity present and we would love more time together. Anyway, a few weekends ago, my partner took his daughter out for dinner. Before the dinner he took her to another small restaurant for a drink/something to do. This is one of our favourite places it is intimate and cosy and for grown ups. We have had a lot of special memories there. He then wanted to take her to a new wine bar that has just opened which has a lot of buzz around it before going for their meal. I felt a bit pissed off about those choices. Partly because I felt like 'wow, can't he differentiate between a date and time with his daughter?' and 'really? you think it's appropriate to go to a cool buzzy wine bar with your 13 year old daughter on a Saturday evening. How will she feel about that when she is a few years older and may not idolise him or view memories with a different lens'. I guess I still feel both of these thoughts and feelings. I do wonder if it's an appropriate way to spend time with her, is he doing that because she is providing company in a way that adults her before her time? Kids should be kids imo. There is plenty of time for this stuff in adulthood. I kinda feel he is making her bend to his companionship/social needs rather than the other way round. Although am I just feeling this way because she is growing up into a young woman, would I feel the same if he had a son? Yes there is also jealousy. I guess I would like one area of our life to remain 'ours' - romantic and sexy. Time away From parenting. Somehow sharing our haunts feels off. I appreciate how well she shares her Dad with me, and I only feel this way when he does things that I feel represent something I thought of as 'ours'. Am I being out of order? I haven't mentioned anything, and would worry to do so. It's a tricky subject.

Another vote for you're being really fucking weird here as well. He took his child out for dinner and a drink. He didn't take her somewhere "for adults", she wouldn't have been let in if that was the case.

Some of the best chats I had with DD in her early teens were sat in the pub. I find it really quite offensive that you'd have thought "Ew, he's taken his daughter on a date". No, I hadn't, there's nothing romantic or datey about stopping for a drink somewhere with your kid, and it says something really worrying about your mindset that you think there is.

The only thing I think is slightly off is his choice of venues. I don’t actually feel that a swanky wine bar or cocktail bar is particularly appropriate for a 13 yr old. A few years older, yes, as long as they were keen on it too. Most 13 yr olds I know wouldn’t be particularly enthralled with those venues - they’d want ‘cooler’ eating places, an escape room and a trip to a desserts place afterward.
i think it’s commendable to put effort into spending quality time with your teens but I think it’s much more useful to try to enter their world. Unless of course he has a very sophisticated 13 yr old. Mine clearly were not - it was roller skating and Nando’s, pictures and Kaspars. And if they ran into friends then I should keep my distance and say nothing.

What a strangely written OP.

Although am I just feeling this way because she is growing up into a young woman

Daughter is just a few weeks shy of 13

Is it really that weird to not want to share our romantic places?

This is why posters are saying you are being weird. You have some very odd views about this child and you need to nip that in the bud. She is not competition in any way, shape or form. You should not even feel the need to compete with her.

I think you should reassess your relationship because this sounds like it will become a toxic mess as she gets older and you get more jealous.

Those are adult venues. Some of them may not serve him with a child, unless they order food. I agree that going to grown up venues too young leaves them with less to appreciate as they do get older, but unless it’s a regular thing I do t think that’s a problem.

He's also going to three places on one evening out, one of them your regular date night venue.

If he isn’t putting enough care and effort into your evenings out, that’s worth addressing.

It's a weird place to take her if she didn't want to go, but I would imagine she enjoyed it and felt quite grown up there. If it was driven by her, it's fine. If it was driven by him, it's a bit weird.

Seperate to that are your feelings that these places are special or romantic. He obviously doesn't feel the same way about them as you do and that's fine. People feel differently about things. If you feel like it's a special place and want to keep it as somewhere you only go together I think you could suggest that to him. Do cut out all the suggestion that he fancies his daughter though! That will not go down well!

Sorry but you’re being completely unreasonable and it sounds like you’re jealous of your partners relationship with his daughter

If they allow children in at certain times then at those times they’re not adult venues.

Yeah you sound jealous and weird.

Maybe she wanted to go to the wine bar. And why are you implying he's sexually attracted to his daughter if he takes her to a place that sells alcohol? That's what you're getting at but you are trying not to say it.

If you think he's a paedo who fancies his own 13 yo daughter why are you with him?

So let me get this straight.

Your partner shares a close bond with his daughter and sometimes takes her to nice places (including a bar you've never actually been to but have mentally earmarked as one of your and his "shared haunts"- in itself weird).

You're angry and jealous about the time he spends with her and the places he takes her, but you want to find some elaborate therapy-speak way of framing those feelings to make you sound less like the bad guy.

So you're mulling various options including hinting that taking his daughter to a bar makes their relationship in some way inappropriate - a huge, destructive, toxic allegation.

I honestly think you need some therapy OP. The way you feel about your partner's daughter suggests you have traits of covert narcisissm.

I think people are misreading the OP. She’s not saying she thinks he’s grooming her!

She feels wine bars are too grown up for a 13 year old. She feels strange about him taking the child to their special date place. She wishes she had more time with her DP. She’s feeling an emotion she’s uncomfortable with and is literally asking for help to process that because it doesn’t make sense to her.

I read exactly what you’ve read and my reply upthread remains the same.

Probably AI generated.

Totally agree, it’s become a pile on - OP was honest and frank ..most people have insecure feelings they need to challenge and the too much too soon worry is totally appropriate in my view. Bar hopping with a 13 year old is odd

Odd choice of the wine bar , did they allow her in? If he wanted to go there why isn’t he taking you??

Your other special place, well maybe taking her was a reflection of his valuing it too?

I get that you want to spend romantic time with the man you love.

Another vote for ‘a bit weird’. My exDH took his OW to our special place where he had proposed to me, and got a blow job from her. That hurt. It wouldn’t have bothered me in the slightest if he’d taken his daughter there. She’s not competing with you, OP.

OP may need therapy, but the man should run. For exactly the reasons above.

The problem is that rather than asking for help to process how she feels about her relationship or the quality time she has available to spend with her partner, she has focused on how he spends his time with his daughter which, to be honest, is really none of her business.

She is definitely putting the focus on the child rather than her adult relationship.

All we have around here are restaurants come bars. Whether it is a restaurant or a bar depends on who you go with. It's a good way of introducing your teens to those types of places so they feel confident attending them later

I will never understand posts like this (and I've seen a few) where a woman is upset becuase a restaurant or bar or waterfall walk are "special" places that their partner should never ever go to with anyone else. Not his child, his mate (x100 if its a female mate), his mum or his sister.

This. He sees it as a place he likes that serves food and wants to have time with his daughter so has taken her to the same place.

the daughter isn’t the issue the issue is what you considered to be something romantic and special he doesnt

I wouldn't take a 13 year old to a wine bar, it's not appropriate no matter how much she might like it IMO. I can understand the idea of your 'adult special place' when you have so little together - I think that's the issue though, you feel like you have very little together.

Maybe that's a good thing though if he thinks it's appropriate for 13 year olds to go to 'buzzy' bars. Might be best to not have too much together or be moving towards the idea of moving in together. Maybe it's time to do a bit more yourself OP with friends or your dd and not let him become too central in your life.

While my dad has never been to a winebar in his life I suspect, never mind with one of his teenage daughters, I will also say that my introduction to posher restaurants etc were with him and those are memories I treasure. So while a wine bar might not intrinsically be appropriate - depends entirely on the venue - I think there's something about a daddy-daughter "date" that is special when girls are younger. I imagine that as they get older, they're far more likely to do this sort of activity with their mother.

I can still picture the "posh" restaurant near my father's office that he used to take me to for lunch once a year when I came to visit him during the week in school holidays. I thought it was the coolest thing ever and would plan my outfits for days. It started when I was 13 and we went out for lunch there or similar probably every year until I was in my 20s!

It really only depends on how your DP is. She's 13 so going to a restaurant and a wine bar will be just a bit of fun for her, getting to do some grown up activity for the evening but in the safety of being with a parent, as long as your DP isn't creepy and inappropriate around his daughter, there really isn't anything wrong with this.

However if you think he's being creepy with his DD then I would bin him off, especially since I had my own 11 year old to safeguard.

If he has a perfectly wholesome and appropriate relationship with his daughter and isn't acting like Donald Trump, you need to stop seeing her as competition, she should be able to go to nice places to eat with her Dad if she likes that sort of thing.

I’ve taken our 4yr old to a wine bar. They loved the olives, bread, cheese, meats, and they get to have an apple juice! We chat, sometimes do a jigsaw. They love it and so do I. We also go as a couple. I’ve never found it weird!