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Help me process why I feel off about my partner's choices around his daughter

135 replies

catsaremything · 24/11/2025 16:20

I am in a relationship of 4 years, we both have daughters about 2 years apart age 11 and 13 and share custody with co-parents. I feel blessed both our daughters embrace the relationship and get on well, as I know these configurations can be less than harmonious sometimes if the age or gender gap is too great or clashing parenting styles make those relationships difficult. We live separately but in the same part of London. I have been cautious of blending our families thus far, I feel sensitive that our kids feel comfortable before making a move together and also that our relationship is stable and we have been happy living separately as we both own our own houses. This is a small gripe but I would like help processing my feelings as I don't know if they are jealousy or parental concern and appropriateness and I have had similar feelings in the past. My partner and I don't get much time together due to opposing parenting and work obligations, so there is a feeling of scarcity present and we would love more time together. Anyway, a few weekends ago, my partner took his daughter out for dinner. Before the dinner he took her to another small restaurant for a drink/something to do. This is one of our favourite places it is intimate and cosy and for grown ups. We have had a lot of special memories there. He then wanted to take her to a new wine bar that has just opened which has a lot of buzz around it before going for their meal. I felt a bit pissed off about those choices. Partly because I felt like 'wow, can't he differentiate between a date and time with his daughter?' and 'really? you think it's appropriate to go to a cool buzzy wine bar with your 13 year old daughter on a Saturday evening. How will she feel about that when she is a few years older and may not idolise him or view memories with a different lens'. I guess I still feel both of these thoughts and feelings. I do wonder if it's an appropriate way to spend time with her, is he doing that because she is providing company in a way that adults her before her time? Kids should be kids imo. There is plenty of time for this stuff in adulthood. I kinda feel he is making her bend to his companionship/social needs rather than the other way round. Although am I just feeling this way because she is growing up into a young woman, would I feel the same if he had a son? Yes there is also jealousy. I guess I would like one area of our life to remain 'ours' - romantic and sexy. Time away From parenting. Somehow sharing our haunts feels off. I appreciate how well she shares her Dad with me, and I only feel this way when he does things that I feel represent something I thought of as 'ours'. Am I being out of order? I haven't mentioned anything, and would worry to do so. It's a tricky subject.

OP posts:
verybighouseinthecountry · 25/11/2025 18:54

mashandgravy · 25/11/2025 18:44

Sorry you had to experience that. It sounds awful. All I'm saying is, our feelings can be complicated and uncomfortable. Maybe jealousy towards a daughter or step daughter is not that uncommon. Maybe it simply matters how a person handles those thoughts or feelings. I think facing them with a mature curiosity can be helpful in making sure no one ends up being hurt by them. To me, that's what OP seems to be trying to do. Sorry that didn't happen in your case and your stepmother acted terribly towards you.

It's good the OP recognizes this is weird, and now she can try to deal with it. Maybe all the responses telling her she's being very unreasonable have given some perspective.
And if you thought what I wrote above was bad, that was just the tip of the iceberg, I could write a book!

Bringemout · 25/11/2025 18:54

If you just said he took his 13yr old to a wine bar on a Saturday afternoon and it’s not an appropriate space for a kid I would have been 100% with you.

The other stuff does sound like sexual jealousy, you sound jealous that he’s expending time and resources on his Dd that you wish he gave you instead.

Ariel896 · 25/11/2025 19:18

He should run a mile!!!!

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Emeraldforest · 21/07/2026 22:24

My 13 year old granddaughter would probably think that was an exciting treat!
The OP feels what she feels, and should suggest a date night out there soon.

Awkwardisfunny · 21/07/2026 23:35

catsaremything · 24/11/2025 16:20

I am in a relationship of 4 years, we both have daughters about 2 years apart age 11 and 13 and share custody with co-parents. I feel blessed both our daughters embrace the relationship and get on well, as I know these configurations can be less than harmonious sometimes if the age or gender gap is too great or clashing parenting styles make those relationships difficult. We live separately but in the same part of London. I have been cautious of blending our families thus far, I feel sensitive that our kids feel comfortable before making a move together and also that our relationship is stable and we have been happy living separately as we both own our own houses. This is a small gripe but I would like help processing my feelings as I don't know if they are jealousy or parental concern and appropriateness and I have had similar feelings in the past. My partner and I don't get much time together due to opposing parenting and work obligations, so there is a feeling of scarcity present and we would love more time together. Anyway, a few weekends ago, my partner took his daughter out for dinner. Before the dinner he took her to another small restaurant for a drink/something to do. This is one of our favourite places it is intimate and cosy and for grown ups. We have had a lot of special memories there. He then wanted to take her to a new wine bar that has just opened which has a lot of buzz around it before going for their meal. I felt a bit pissed off about those choices. Partly because I felt like 'wow, can't he differentiate between a date and time with his daughter?' and 'really? you think it's appropriate to go to a cool buzzy wine bar with your 13 year old daughter on a Saturday evening. How will she feel about that when she is a few years older and may not idolise him or view memories with a different lens'. I guess I still feel both of these thoughts and feelings. I do wonder if it's an appropriate way to spend time with her, is he doing that because she is providing company in a way that adults her before her time? Kids should be kids imo. There is plenty of time for this stuff in adulthood. I kinda feel he is making her bend to his companionship/social needs rather than the other way round. Although am I just feeling this way because she is growing up into a young woman, would I feel the same if he had a son? Yes there is also jealousy. I guess I would like one area of our life to remain 'ours' - romantic and sexy. Time away From parenting. Somehow sharing our haunts feels off. I appreciate how well she shares her Dad with me, and I only feel this way when he does things that I feel represent something I thought of as 'ours'. Am I being out of order? I haven't mentioned anything, and would worry to do so. It's a tricky subject.

Objectively weird. I'd address it and nip it in the bud.

TheresMillionsOfGeoffreys · 21/07/2026 23:47

OP was written in November 2025. Any advice is likely to be outdated now.

saraclara · 21/07/2026 23:49

SilverPink · 24/11/2025 16:50

I think the main issue is that you see these places as ‘your couple places’ and he just sees them as somewhere he likes and wants to introduce other people to. Neither of you is particularly wrong, it’s just a difference of opinion. Would you feel the same if he suggested you go there with couple friends?

That. You're emotional about the places. He just thinks they're cool.

Your take on how she'll look back on this when she's older, is frankly a bit creepy. She's almost certainly going to remember having quality time with her dad and feeling very grown up.

saraclara · 21/07/2026 23:50

TheresMillionsOfGeoffreys · 21/07/2026 23:47

OP was written in November 2025. Any advice is likely to be outdated now.

Dammit. Totally missed that.

ImImmortalNowBabyDoll · 22/07/2026 00:21

catsaremything · 24/11/2025 16:44

By jealous, it isn't sexual jealousy. I don't see her as sexual competition I care about her. The jealousy is that I don't have much time with the man I love, especially just us time. We spend most of our time with our kids not alone. Is it really that weird to not want to share our romantic places?

Yes, it's very weird. They are public places.

And as you said I need to contextualize with my own experience, I've never once felt possessive or jealous because DH has taken SD somewhere that I also like to go with DH.

If you're not getting enough time with DH, ask him to spend more time with you. Nothing to do with SD.

Writer034 · 22/07/2026 00:22

OP, I feel you're being misunderstood by many of the people who responded. Also, it's clear a lot of people who replied are not in any kind of blended family, so they simply don't appreciate how the dynamic is different. Someone saying 'well I would never be jealous of my DH taking out our DD' is completely missing the point. Biological families are just completely different, the emotions are different, the hierarchy is different, etc. In blended families (whether you're living together or not) it's unfortunately often a zero sum game. No one wants to admit this, but I'm sorry it's just a plain fact of life. What's good for the partner is very often bad for the other person's children, and what's good for the children is often bad for the partner. That's because resources are finite (time and money being the most in demand!) so you can't give more to one side without giving less to the other, and that makes blended dynamic very different. The interests of mum and dad in a biological family are always going to be aligned, pointing in the same direction, with their children at the apex. That's normal as it's their children. When the children are not in common, it becomes much more complicated, because you have two people in a relationship, but each person's strongest interest is pointing away from the relationship (their own kids).

I didn't for one sec think you're accusing your DP of something pervy, you wouldn't be with a monster! It's clear this is simply a man out with his daughter.

I understood you more as questioning whether these places are meants for such young teenagers, and also whether by 'upgrading' their outings from (as an example) Nandos and bowling to, now, fancy restaurants and cocktail bars, her dad is letting her kind of step on your territory, especially if he's taking her to your favourite places. To be completely honest, he shouldn't be doing that. There should be some kind of line between what's yours and saved for special romantic dates, and just general places where he can take her. But he's a bloke and probably doesn't think this way at all, and probably doesn't realise it these places are very special to you. He probably just her there as they are places he knows and he's too lazy to look for new ones (sorry).

Yes it's a form of jealousy on your side. Guess what? Jealousy is a normal human emotion and very common. It's an evolutionary response to feeling threatened, to worrying about losing something precious to us. Sometimes the sense of threat is unjustified or misplaced, as the case is here. But your subconscious doesn't know that, and that's where jealousy comes from. You can rationalise it, reframe is conciously. But it arises at a deep, instinctive level and you shouldn't berate yourself over it. What would help you is to find more opportunity to be alone with your DP so you and him can go on more dates.

In the meantime, don't forget that being a little bit jealous is far more attractive and honest as a trait than being self-righteous, as so many of the responders have been!

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