Struggling to cope with 7yo

[SausageShop]

Sorry, it's a long one. I'm at my wits end. My 7yo DD has constant tantrums and meltdowns if she's told no or asked to stop doing anything and I just can't take it any more.

A lot of it is screen-related - we noticed a pattern of awful meltdowns when screen time is over and she's told to turn it off (despite regular warnings and a digital timer to count down how much time is left).
We limit it to an hour or two at weekends now, we pre warn each time that if we ask her to turn it off and she kicks off she won't get it again for a week and we try to follow through with that (although DH struggles if he's WFH after school pickup and will sometimes give it to her while he's on a work call for example as she's asking relentlessly and refusing to find something else to do).

We have to ask a thousand times to get her to do simple things (get dressed, brush teeth, finish a meal etc) which is normal child stuff but if we say something like "if you dont get dressed now you won't have time to play with your toys before we leave for school" she moans because she wants to play but she still won't get dressed because its boring and it takes too long. And on and on it goes until I end up losing my rag, I'm on the ceiling, one of us is crying and we're rushing around inevitably running late.

She cries about everything. Everything. Kid next door cant play out as he's having his tea. There's not enough of that cereal for breakfast so you'll have to have this other one you like instead. I can't listen to her howl any more.

Recently she's started to have meltdowns where its like she's in a trance she can't snap out of, an example being she was at a bowling party and she wanted money for a toy grabber machine, we said no because every time she doesn't win she throws a huge snotty crying tantrum without fail - she went off on one, repeatedly screaming "i want a toyyyyy" until we carried her out to the car and then she unbuckled her seat belt and tried to run across the car park back inside - i caught her before she narrowly missed getting run over. It was so out of character for her i couldn't look at her for hours.

These meltdowns are getting more frequent. I'm at a point where being ignored and repeating myself and listening to the moany voice and howling crying is chipping away at my sanity.
I try and remove myself to calm down before I shout but she just follows me, howling and repeating herself.

I feel like I go straight to losing my absolute shit now and I'm physically incapable of controlling my rage any more. And I know its pointless and gets none of us anywhere but I cant help it anymore. I think my brain is broken.

DH is an absolute equal parent, we share the load and he is at the end of his tether as well. He says he sometimes wants to leave because he's depressed every day - we cannot get through 24h without someone having a tantrum and someone shouting.

I'm doing and saying awful things - telling my DD I want to leave and never come back because of her behaviour, saying I want to kill myself - sometimes I do, mostly I'm just saying it for impact to try and shock her into behaving but it doesn't work either way. I know this is wrong but in the heat of the moment its like bile that spills out of my mouth.

I always worry my shouting and the things I say is going to ruin her - but she wakes up the next day as if nothing happened and asks me if she can have the ipad / a treat / something else, then when I say no because of your behaviour last night the whole thing starts again.

I'm exhausted. I have a stressful full time job and we have no childcare support because our families either can't help or dont want to.

I think I need medication or therapy or something but I'm terrified that if I say how I really feel I'll be referred to social services or something.

I feel like I'm failing at being a mum. It's my fault she's like this because I'm not consistent in my parenting because I'm never sure I'm doing the right thing.

I feel like I might have a stroke at any given moment, my stress levels are so high. My eyes throb, my chest is tight all the time. I'm in constant fight or flight.

I dont even know why I'm posting. Maybe someone can tell me what I should be doing because I'm clearly not getting anything right.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far.

ask at school if they have an ELSA support - sounds like your daughter needs it.

OP has come on here being very honest about her own behaviour, recognising it isn’t helping the situation, and looking for support.

She does not in any way sound like she is looking for an excuse, to want her child to have a label so she can shrug her shoulders and carry on as before.

I don’t think anyone, OP included, is denying that her reactions are a problem and contributing to their difficulties (whether or not there is an underlying issue like PDA/ASD/ADHD).

All you’ve done is berate OP, which is not only not helpful it is actively unhelpful. I hope this isn’t your attitude to dealing with struggling parents in your day job.

No. I need to build relationships with parents. There isn’t much choice. Even to the point where the parents laughingly say “wait till you get little brother/sister” or “”I can’t understand why it’s all my kids” again, laughing.

Im not allowed to say, maybe if you don’t shout all the time. Moan about school. Laugh when your child hits/bites. Roll your eyes in the morning as you throw them in shouting good luck to us. Seeing your little ones in a pushchair staring at a tablet.

For every poster who empathises, that’s ok. For anyone who dares says, wait your behaviour may be the issue. No. I’ll report you. Shut you down and say you’re mean. I think a lot of you have missed that PDA has an element of environmental to it. But we ignore it because we might upset someone.

I may need to bow out now. I’ve put my point out there. Hopefully op can reflect that the home environment needs improvement.

So I am a mum of 3 boys 5,3,1 5&3 yo have ASD so we have constant meltdowns throughout the day- I will say like other posters have said go to the gp hun you are not alone in feeling this way and neither is she alone in behaving this way. GP can make referrals and local support groups ect and they really help. I still have my days - but just fewer of them x

i do t think a single person is denying the home environment needs to change. OP is absolutely desperate for it to change!

You can still address that with empathy.

I can understand your frustrations, but I think you are projecting your frustration onto OP.

So? I can express or project as much as I like. No rule says I can’t draw on my personal experience is there? I can guarantee the parents who continue to fail their children will have people like you and the pp excuse them.

No people are not looking at the home environment. There is respect for the op for being “honest” and then a list of letters and usual recommendations to ask for from school. Text book.

The only thing I would add to all of the very helpful and thoughtful posts is:

1.perhaps you should go to the GP and get signed off one month sick. If your work would allow it.

When the children are at school, you have nine till 3 to give yourself some space and perspective.

2- working at home with a child is just a big NO. It’s not realistic for your husband to take work calls & a reactive seven-year-old to be in front of the screen. I’m not saying it’s correct, but back in the day when the mum had say a three day week 6 hour a day job, that fit around school hours. Two full time jobs with no wrap around care is not right.
I say that as a couple with both full-time, but we just put him in the wraparound care because being expected to do a job, and look after a child is pretty much fraud on behalf of your work contract & ignoring your child for 2 hours.
I know loads of people do it but I really can’t agree with it.

mainly, I can’t agree with the pressure it puts parents under.

it’s putting whoever is doing this (in your example it was your husband) under loads of pressure.

I've just been through a patch of getting seriously fuming with my DS for needing to be told things a thousand times too. He doesn't have the meltdowns that your DD is having and I'm generally a very calm person so you have my sympathy because it sounds so tough.

My DS is 4 so I'm not sure how much this applies to a 7 year old but he has a rewards jar and when it's full he gets to pick a toy that he wants (nothing expensive, about £10). When he's going through a really annoying patch of not listening it seems to help to really focus on the praise and rewards for when he does do well. Eg when we first introduced it he got one for turning the TV off right away and now if he offers to help today up he'll get one. I'm wondering if something like this could give you more little positive interactions?

With all due respect, you can't possibly be sure what my daughter's entire home life is like based on one emotional post about how I've reacted at the height of a stressful situation.

I absolutely agree that things need to change and I'm actually glad I posted, as hard as some of the responses have been to take - I didn't come looking for a label for my DD at all, but what I have come away with is some clarity and ideas on how I can start to make things better.

We've had a really good day today and I've managed to stop tantrums before they happened by staying calm, we've spent time alone and I've been sure to give her lots of positive attention.

I will make a GP appointment and see if I can go back on medication - while I'd love to take some time off work I've recently started a new job and now is not a good time for that.

We do use wraparound care but it's a long day for them which can make them feel tired and overstimulated which makes emotional meltdowns more likely, which is why we don't put them in club every day. And DH isn't ignoring them for 2 hours, its just for the duration of a call - he plays with them in between and he's lucky to have a job which allows that flexibility.

Good update @SausageShop - so glad you had a calm day. And it's honestly very brave to come and share what you did, and to do so entirely from the position of wanting things to improve. You didn't whinge or make excuses, you sounded like you were on your last nerve. I am glad you posted as others were able to give you the benefit of their experience and some ideas on how to move forwards. I wish you nothing but the best in the future. And for all those who have nothing but consternation - I think you have to walk a mile in someone else's shoes before you can begin to understand how hard life can be at times.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/thirty_days_only/5448427-my-children-are-really-unpleasant-and-im-worried?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

Maybe this thread could help this poster? Sounds very similar?

edit - somehow I quoted to OP here when I was meant to quote the link to the other thread about the strong-willed 5yo.

I’m not an expert but I felt there was a strong element of boundary testing with the DS on that thread - defiant/wilful was my main takeaway.

While OPs DD seems to be more dealing with disregulation/overwhelm.

Definitely big overlaps, but I feel consistency/boundaries would be my primary focus for that DS whereas I think calm/emotional regulation would be my main focus for OPs DD.