Struggling to cope with 7yo

[SausageShop]

Sorry, it's a long one. I'm at my wits end. My 7yo DD has constant tantrums and meltdowns if she's told no or asked to stop doing anything and I just can't take it any more.

A lot of it is screen-related - we noticed a pattern of awful meltdowns when screen time is over and she's told to turn it off (despite regular warnings and a digital timer to count down how much time is left).
We limit it to an hour or two at weekends now, we pre warn each time that if we ask her to turn it off and she kicks off she won't get it again for a week and we try to follow through with that (although DH struggles if he's WFH after school pickup and will sometimes give it to her while he's on a work call for example as she's asking relentlessly and refusing to find something else to do).

We have to ask a thousand times to get her to do simple things (get dressed, brush teeth, finish a meal etc) which is normal child stuff but if we say something like "if you dont get dressed now you won't have time to play with your toys before we leave for school" she moans because she wants to play but she still won't get dressed because its boring and it takes too long. And on and on it goes until I end up losing my rag, I'm on the ceiling, one of us is crying and we're rushing around inevitably running late.

She cries about everything. Everything. Kid next door cant play out as he's having his tea. There's not enough of that cereal for breakfast so you'll have to have this other one you like instead. I can't listen to her howl any more.

Recently she's started to have meltdowns where its like she's in a trance she can't snap out of, an example being she was at a bowling party and she wanted money for a toy grabber machine, we said no because every time she doesn't win she throws a huge snotty crying tantrum without fail - she went off on one, repeatedly screaming "i want a toyyyyy" until we carried her out to the car and then she unbuckled her seat belt and tried to run across the car park back inside - i caught her before she narrowly missed getting run over. It was so out of character for her i couldn't look at her for hours.

These meltdowns are getting more frequent. I'm at a point where being ignored and repeating myself and listening to the moany voice and howling crying is chipping away at my sanity.
I try and remove myself to calm down before I shout but she just follows me, howling and repeating herself.

I feel like I go straight to losing my absolute shit now and I'm physically incapable of controlling my rage any more. And I know its pointless and gets none of us anywhere but I cant help it anymore. I think my brain is broken.

DH is an absolute equal parent, we share the load and he is at the end of his tether as well. He says he sometimes wants to leave because he's depressed every day - we cannot get through 24h without someone having a tantrum and someone shouting.

I'm doing and saying awful things - telling my DD I want to leave and never come back because of her behaviour, saying I want to kill myself - sometimes I do, mostly I'm just saying it for impact to try and shock her into behaving but it doesn't work either way. I know this is wrong but in the heat of the moment its like bile that spills out of my mouth.

I always worry my shouting and the things I say is going to ruin her - but she wakes up the next day as if nothing happened and asks me if she can have the ipad / a treat / something else, then when I say no because of your behaviour last night the whole thing starts again.

I'm exhausted. I have a stressful full time job and we have no childcare support because our families either can't help or dont want to.

I think I need medication or therapy or something but I'm terrified that if I say how I really feel I'll be referred to social services or something.

I feel like I'm failing at being a mum. It's my fault she's like this because I'm not consistent in my parenting because I'm never sure I'm doing the right thing.

I feel like I might have a stroke at any given moment, my stress levels are so high. My eyes throb, my chest is tight all the time. I'm in constant fight or flight.

I dont even know why I'm posting. Maybe someone can tell me what I should be doing because I'm clearly not getting anything right.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far.

I have compassion for the vulnerable child in this situation.

As do I. But my compassion is larger than yours and extends to everyone suffering in this situation.

👏

Have you considered if it may be Pans/pandas op?

I’m not going to berate you OP as obviously you KNOW saying those things are very wrong and absolutely aren’t helping the situation. But have a think about it, your asking a 7 year old to control her big emotions by not crying and throwing a fit while you very clearly aren’t able to control your emotions and you are the adult here. Why do you expect a child with an undeveloped brain to do something that you, an adult with a fully formed brain, very clearly can’t do? You need to role model how to deal with stress, it’s not a quick fix but it is how they learn. Obviously we all snap sometimes, I know I have but it absolutely can’t be the go to. I seen something online that said when you feel frustrated with your child, do the opposite of what you want to do. If you feel like screaming, instead go quiet, if you want to lash out and say something hurtful, say something kind, just do the opposite. If I was in your position next time she’s throwing a tantrum I would calmly say, I’m finding this behaviour difficult right now so I’m going to step away and take a breath, I want you do to the same and then we will talk about it, lock yourself in the bathroom if you have to, it’s better than telling a 7 year old you want to kill yourself.

What consequences are there when she behaves this way? Because there should be some serious ones. Get a reward chart and if it continues she doesn’t go to the next party. No tv until she behaves …and that means for the whole day.

We all get frustrated and say things we don’t mean to our children but saying the things you have is unacceptable. You need to get some help.

It sounds like a serious lack of boundaries in your home. She’s probably crying out for some, literally.

Honestly, can you try ditching screens (maybe apart from a bit of TV) and see if there is any lessening in the behaviour?

My friends very laid back son has a personality transplant if given an iPad. It’s actually really shocking to witness the change in his personality and it happens scarily fast.
They have basically banned it now and everything has settled again.

No, mostly she is just saying it means that she has thought more than once about going. Not that she has said it repeatedly and if you read up the thread she said she only said it today. I wonder why you are here if you don't want to help as others are doing, but just to chastise. What a horrible personality trait.

Go to the GP. Make an appointment Monday. Be completely honest and get the right help. The way you are acting is not acceptable, it will/already is damaging your young child. They aren't going to punish you for getting help but if you don't reach out for help and you continue like this there's a chance your child will be seriously harmed and you will have no sympathy then.
Talk to the school and get a referral to Early Help. You and your DH need parenting classes and your DD needs emotional support.
Put your DD in after school club when you are both working. 7 is too young for any child to be left to their own devices, even more so one who lacks safety awareness and has emotional needs above that of a typical 7 yo.

Sorry - I meant that today was the first time I specifically said I wanted to kill myself. "Mostly saying it for impact" was talking about wanting to leave and not come back

Most of us got that too!

Please educate yourself on the long term effect this behaviour will have on a child. I really do not care if you think I’m an awful person, I’m sick to death of parents fucking their children up and people saying aww well they’re struggling, bless them. No, do better for your children.

She does go to after school club but there is one day a week DH works from home and will pick them up at school time.

She doesn't lack safety awareness at all - running across the car park was the only time thats ever happened which is why it was so shocking I couldn't look at her afterwards

I’m dipping out of this thread now as it’s making me feel ill. OP - you need to refer yourself to CSC for support, and also speak to your GP. I just hope the damage isn’t already done.

I do want to do better

kindly, this is nothing to do with your experiences. Maybe consider if you are able to see how serious this situation is (because it IS abuse), or if you are blinded by your own experiences.

I know you do - ignore the people with dust for souls who think they know better than everyone else but show themselves up as being utterly clueless.

Echo what everyone else has said, go to GP. Possibly PDA.

and get rid of the iPad. Completely get rid of it. Bin it. They are designed to be addictive.

OP knows she shouldn’t be saying what she does. She’s asking for help for god sake.
Why tell her how awful she is for saying those things? She knows that.

Kindly it very much is - I am not blinded. I had counselling. I didn't say it wasn't abuse did I? No, I did not, but the difference is that I understand how these situations can arise a million times better than you. You are ignorant. You are unkind to people seeking help. You are supercilious. But you carry on thinking you know better than me when your ignorance is more pronounced with every post. Hope you don't work in a caring profession because god help us all...

@SausageShop take what feels helpful from this thread and leave the rest.

You might want to consider posting future questions on the SEN parenting boards.

To the person who suggested reward charts, I had to laugh. I'm pleased they worked for you but they would never, ever have worked for my ds. And it's not because I'm a bad parent or my house has no boundaries.

Because some people are just utter arrogant shitbags sadly. And the wider world wonders why mental health issues etc. are stigmatised - perfect example as to why on this thread tonight. Appalling in 2025.

It sounds like you are struggling to set clear boundaries with her and as a result her behaviour is triggering to you.

In psychology there is a concept of the self that is made of 3 parts, the child (impulsive), the adult (authority) and the ego (middleground)

Instead of responding to her childish behaviour with your adult or ego self, you are responding back as a child with your feelings of frustration and if I may say it, anger.

So, what to do? Firstly I am just seeing a snapshot so take this advice as much or as little as feels right. But here is what I think...

Set up some rules around screen time, e.g. 4pm everyday for 30/60mins etc. 5mins before it is due to end tell her. And 2 mins. and then get HER to switch it off.

Bad behaviour results in 5mins lost of screen time. Good behaviour can earn it back or lead to a weekend movie/other treat you choose.

Set up a chart for all the things you want her to do, put her shoes on, brush her teeth etc. Stickers as rewards.

Try to create opportunities for her to be good. When she is naughty, if you cannot handle it, its ok to say "mummy does not like this behaviour and is going to another room to calm down". You will be modelling how to handle big emotions.

As for the things you say to shock, remember she will see you do it and learn to do it even bigger and better than you so I'd stop now before she catches on. And yes I too have made many mistakes, not saying I'm perfect just trying to help.

Wish you the best.

Poor you. This sounds so hard. My DD can be like this sometimes but fortunately it’s infrequent (although she does also watch loads and loads of TV so I’m probably just creating other problems with that).

I agree you should seek some help and GP is probably the best starting point. Maybe some family therapy would help if you could get a referral for that.

Don’t beat yourself up now about what you’ve said, we’ve all had parenting moments we are not proud of and what’s important is how you move on from it.