Struggling to cope with 7yo

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Sorry, it's a long one. I'm at my wits end. My 7yo DD has constant tantrums and meltdowns if she's told no or asked to stop doing anything and I just can't take it any more.

A lot of it is screen-related - we noticed a pattern of awful meltdowns when screen time is over and she's told to turn it off (despite regular warnings and a digital timer to count down how much time is left).
We limit it to an hour or two at weekends now, we pre warn each time that if we ask her to turn it off and she kicks off she won't get it again for a week and we try to follow through with that (although DH struggles if he's WFH after school pickup and will sometimes give it to her while he's on a work call for example as she's asking relentlessly and refusing to find something else to do).

We have to ask a thousand times to get her to do simple things (get dressed, brush teeth, finish a meal etc) which is normal child stuff but if we say something like "if you dont get dressed now you won't have time to play with your toys before we leave for school" she moans because she wants to play but she still won't get dressed because its boring and it takes too long. And on and on it goes until I end up losing my rag, I'm on the ceiling, one of us is crying and we're rushing around inevitably running late.

She cries about everything. Everything. Kid next door cant play out as he's having his tea. There's not enough of that cereal for breakfast so you'll have to have this other one you like instead. I can't listen to her howl any more.

Recently she's started to have meltdowns where its like she's in a trance she can't snap out of, an example being she was at a bowling party and she wanted money for a toy grabber machine, we said no because every time she doesn't win she throws a huge snotty crying tantrum without fail - she went off on one, repeatedly screaming "i want a toyyyyy" until we carried her out to the car and then she unbuckled her seat belt and tried to run across the car park back inside - i caught her before she narrowly missed getting run over. It was so out of character for her i couldn't look at her for hours.

These meltdowns are getting more frequent. I'm at a point where being ignored and repeating myself and listening to the moany voice and howling crying is chipping away at my sanity.
I try and remove myself to calm down before I shout but she just follows me, howling and repeating herself.

I feel like I go straight to losing my absolute shit now and I'm physically incapable of controlling my rage any more. And I know its pointless and gets none of us anywhere but I cant help it anymore. I think my brain is broken.

DH is an absolute equal parent, we share the load and he is at the end of his tether as well. He says he sometimes wants to leave because he's depressed every day - we cannot get through 24h without someone having a tantrum and someone shouting.

I'm doing and saying awful things - telling my DD I want to leave and never come back because of her behaviour, saying I want to kill myself - sometimes I do, mostly I'm just saying it for impact to try and shock her into behaving but it doesn't work either way. I know this is wrong but in the heat of the moment its like bile that spills out of my mouth.

I always worry my shouting and the things I say is going to ruin her - but she wakes up the next day as if nothing happened and asks me if she can have the ipad / a treat / something else, then when I say no because of your behaviour last night the whole thing starts again.

I'm exhausted. I have a stressful full time job and we have no childcare support because our families either can't help or dont want to.

I think I need medication or therapy or something but I'm terrified that if I say how I really feel I'll be referred to social services or something.

I feel like I'm failing at being a mum. It's my fault she's like this because I'm not consistent in my parenting because I'm never sure I'm doing the right thing.

I feel like I might have a stroke at any given moment, my stress levels are so high. My eyes throb, my chest is tight all the time. I'm in constant fight or flight.

I dont even know why I'm posting. Maybe someone can tell me what I should be doing because I'm clearly not getting anything right.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far.

I think you need to go to the GP for both of you. I was full of sympathy for you until you described what you say to her - that is horrific and inexcusable.

I know it is - believe me there's nothing you could say to make me feel worse.

I'm doing and saying awful things - telling my DD I want to leave and never come back because of her behaviour, saying I want to kill myself - sometimes I do, mostly I'm just saying it for impact to try and shock her into behaving but it doesn't work either way. I know this is wrong but in the heat of the moment its like bile that spills out of my mouth.

No, no, no, no - please get help. This is so awful - and I know that you know it is - please call your GP and get some fast track help. Have you tried to get help anywhere before? I have heard good things about: https://www.familylives.org.uk/how-we-can-help/confidential-helpline

I’m so sorry for the challenges that you and your family are facing.

Have you ever considered Pathological Demand Avoidance, also known as Persistent Demand for Autonomy in relation to your daughter?

Her behaviour sounds completely beyond “normal” and whilst you are describing struggling with your responses to her now it seems that this is because of the behaviour rather than your first response to parenting her. I think that you have probably tried very standard parenting techniques and now feel that because they haven’t worked the problem is you/yourDH whereas perhaps it is that your daughter’s brain means that these strategies would never be effective and might actually make it worse.

Could you approach school for help. It sounds awful for all of you 💔

The thing is it seems to only be a home thing - she loves school, she's really clever and helpful and popular. She didn't always behave this way, she would never willingly upset anyone and would always do as she was told. And she's otherwise a loving child, very snuggly with both me and DH, very happy outside of these tantrums. It's like she's possessed

Just want to say that it sounds so difficult for all involved and I completely empathise, having also been through some awful times with parenting. Am thinking maybe our dd has PDA because any request is met with no or crying or shouting, just utter refusal every time. And it is exhausting. Our ds was similarly difficult but she seems worse!

You are allowed to walk away from her and shut yourself in another room for a breather. Better than saying things you mean in the moment, but will regret and then end up beating yourself up for. Obviously, you know you shouldn't have said some of those things, but let this be a reminder for you to take some time for yourself and take time out. Can you change your work hours so you have some time at home alone when she's at school?

I was on Sertraline around 4 years ago as I was having anxiety due to lack of sleep - my son wasn't a great sleeper for the first few years.

That's all much improved but I still don't consistently get a full night of unbroken sleep, for various reasons - that definitely isn't helping

She may be masking in school. You could ask your Gp for a family support worker/ early help support or call your council directly.

I do try and walk away and shut myself in the bathroom or sit in the car but she follows me and carries on, and kicks the bathroom door. I dread to think what the neighbours must think is going on!

Honestly its hard to believe I'm talking about my beautiful DD - she isn't always like this, but when it's bad it's bad.

I often read or hear about parents who are struggling with much worse and wonder if I'm just incapable

Gosh, it sounds like this is way beyond normal.

First, you need to look after yourselves. I don't know what would help you, but I would try with booking time out of the house for each of you and your husband - a morning or evening a week maybe? Exercise helps. Sleep helps a lot.

Then I would be looking into the behaviour with curiosity. It's not your fault she's behaving like this. And it's not hers. She's 7 and it doesn't sound like this is new. So read everything you can on PDA as pp mentioned, ADHD maybe, autism maybe. Kids do well if they can. Right now, she can't.

I have a child who is demand avoidant. The first thing I'd do is sit down all three of you, and say that you know it's not been easy but you're going to try some new things. You and DH need to decide what is non negotiable. Out of everything you said I would easily drop finishing a meal, brushing teeth if necessary. Does she feel calmer when in a big hug? Or when she's left alone. Start to notice these things.

It sounds like she's going into fight/flight in places of sensory/emotional overwhelm. Avoid them for now.

This probably feels like a lot of info. Take your time. Realising that something needs to change and starting to think about what they might be can feel good in itself. I hope that's the case for you.

You need a total reset. Read the explosive child by Ross greene. She is only behaving this way because she doesn't have the tools to be able to manage the situations she is in. It is your job to help her learn those tools but also please don't beta yourself up because parenting is really really hard sometimes.

I would do a total ban on screens as she obviously isn't able to step away from them without getting overwhelmed yet even with a warning. Is she similar with TV or is that OK?

I think given she is 7, you need to consider whether she could be neurodivergent? I would ask the go for a referral for adhd and add testing and then read up on strategies which help with both of these.

Oh love, I am so sorry. Definitely a GP appointment to get yourself back on an even keel then - I totally empathise with the sleep issue, I have been a lifelong insomniac and it's got worse with perimenopause. I am often a zombie.

But you need and deserve broader support for your family and I promise it is out there. Hopefully someone with lived experience will come along soon and give some good advice, I'm more of a signposter person. But I did want to say that it's really brave of you to say all of this on here - it must be terrifying - and the fact that you have done demonstrates how much you want this to change. And you deserve heaps of credit and all of the support in the world, you really do.

I think you need to vow to yourself you will never threaten to kill yourself again. I would also bring it up with her and reiterate that’s never going to happen and you made a mistake saying that.
Children remember these things and these fears live in their heads.

i think you also need to see a GP and look at some parenting courses (no judgement I have been too. There’s a good one called The Solihull Approach)

the best thing you have done is be honest with yourself about things like you have done here

Seconding The Explosive Child book/audiobook.

There's some really good advice for me to look into, thank you all so much - you've been much kinder than I deserve right now!

I've considered she might be masking but I'm not always convinced a lot of the symptoms I read apply to her.

I will look at PDA and the explosive child as well. I want to be better because I know she deserves better, she is an amazing, wonderful girl outside of all of this.

My mum was very like you in that she would get very overwrought and say we were torturing her and making her want to die etc. it just made us not listen to her because we didn’t take it seriously as the next day she would be back to normal. The heightened emotions you are showing will be normal to her so she just won’t take them seriously. We have gone totally the other way with our kids because I knew my mums approach didn’t illicit respect from us. A stern word is enough because they are not accustomed to it. I’m not trying to make out we’re perfect parents we get loads of stuff wrong and I’m fairly sure my toddler lives on sugar and butter but this is an area where I feel we’ve got it right. It’s hard to reset and it can feel very difficult to be calm when someone is screaming and howling but I would just largely ignore unless she is unsafe like in the car scenario. Take away the screens completely but don’t bang on about bad behaviour just calmly explain they are not doing her brain any good and put it away no conversation. When she’s howling etc just say let me know when you’re finished and potter around doing whatever. If she follows you then you can tell her you don’t want to hear all the noise but you’re ready to do xx with her when she’s calmed down. It might not work but at the moment she’s getting such a reaction from you and that is a reward in itself

I absolutely will - I always apologise for shouting and for anything I've said once we've both calmed down.

Today was the first time I said it - it had just been a few non-stop days of it all and I said it out of frustration.

I absolutely won't ever say it again

I should add we have a great relationship with our mum as adults and are all fairly successful and happy so it’s not does us any long term harm but we were little horrors as kids

This does sound really hard, I have a daughter with really complex needs and a younger son who has long protracted meltdowns at every single transition and every no. It’s difficult and I’m not perfect. I and my husband tell each other to step away for 20 minutes when it’s all getting too much.

I grew up with a mother who would threaten to kill herself and throw things if I did something that displeased her. I’m autistic and ADHD. It’s really fucked me up.

Please seek help from anywhere you can. It’s not too late to turn it around but don’t be afraid to just say to people that you need help. There’s no shame in that - we all have those moments.

It doesn't really matter what the exact issue/diagnosis is. You need some new parenting ideas. Start with PDA strategies, she's clearly not emotionally regulated right now.

When you're all in a better place, you can start to explore what type of brain she (and you) have. Sending strength, and wine (in moderation 😜). It's tough.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. If everyday is like this - it is only normal you will be pushed towards insanity. We are human and it is normal to think awful things sometimes. The problem is now you are losing control and verbalising them. My first DD1(11) was like this. To the point family members refused us coming over. Her emotional intelligence and regulation was very poor. Firstly, take away all screen. Identify a safe room in your house and call it the ‘calm’ room where she can have her meltdowns and breaks when she needs them. When you go to a place - first sign of meltdown - you need to get back into the car and leave. We did this often. Do not get into the habit of arguing or debating the issue. Leave the room, go do another task. Once everything is calm, give her a hug and say you are not happy with her behaviour and do not let her tell you what she thinks about the situation. I will say that my daughter lost control in her meltdowns and was unable to sometimes snap out of it (I’m talking about screaming, falling on the floor, kicking etc). I would just hug her because my calmness would help her regulate herself quicker. Sometimes she would be shocked by her own reactions too. Good news is, they do grow out of it. We no longer have these issues just the normal absentminded, homework is a chore, life is hard pre-teen. That was after my own behaviour changes, school play therapy and the people around her making her realise actions have consequences.

You also need to speak to school to see what is happening there. If there are issues there, then perhaps she needs to go through a needs assessment.

You also need GP help if you are feeling depressed or suicidal. I went through CBT and became very aware of my own emotion and coping mechanisms. It is imperative you keep positive and know this will not be forever. Stop trying to give her lovely experiences and special treats - right now it is about getting through daily basic tasks. This meant me and my husband missed out on a lot but it was so worth it. E.g my DD spent 6 hours with her cousins then meltdown when it was time to go home. I stopped going. I instructed my sis in law to tell her she was not welcome. After 3 months, she would be invited as a trial. Over 2-3 years she repeated it but it got better each until for the past 3 years - just says goodbye, get shoes on and ‘can we please come again? Can you come to mine next week?’. This was just an example. She had issues with playing, eating, clothes etc etc.

I hope things get better but you are not crazy. Parenting a difficult child does push you towards insanity.

She is - she's admitting it on here and asking for help. She doesn't in any way think it's alright and she's not excusing herself either.

Are you brave enough to post on here about some of the shitty things you've done in your life? Talk about lacking compassion... (and I have 3x of actual suicide in my family before you tell me I don't think what I am talking about).

“- telling my DD I want to leave and never come back because of her behaviour, saying I want to kill myself - sometimes I do, mostly I'm just saying it for impact to try and shock her into behaving but it doesn't work either way”

“mostly I’m just saying it” - so today wasn’t the first and only time you’ve said it. You’re not going to seek support if you’re minimising what is happening.