Am i being too harsh ??

[IllegallyBrunette]

Dd1 is 10.7 and extremely untidy. I have some sympathy with her, because I was also very messy at her age, still am infact, but have to make the effort unless I want to live in a pigsty.

She has always said that her room was messy due to inadequate storage etc, so about 6 mths ago, she had new bed with huge storage drawers uderneath, new wardrobe, chest of drawers and a desk with stoarge underneath for all of her gadets etc.

Room is still a tip, infact it is worse.

So, last week I went in to put clean washing away and couldn't really get much further than the door, so I placed washing on chair and when she got home I told her she had to put it away. She argued the toss but eventually did it.

Then on Thursday evening I asked her to strip her bed. She did and I washed the bedding.

Her room is still a mess, I had to jump over loads of crap just to open the window this morning, and so I have told her she has to make the bed herself. She hasn't done it before and is saying she can't do it.

I have told her that, if i cannot pyhsically walk across her room to get to the bed and make it, then that is her problem and she has to do it herself.

So, too harsh or not ?

How on earth is that too harsh? She should be making her own bed. I would make her stay her in her room till it's spotless.

Nope, not too harsh, although if she's never done it before or been shown how to she may need some help!

Place a roll of black bin bags outside her door. Tell her she has until school run on Monday morning morning to sort her room out, otherwise you will put everything on the floor into those bins bags whilst she is at school and take a trip to the dump!

The thing is, I can't decide wether I am fighting a losing battle here.

I swing between thinking that it is her room, so if she wants it to be a pigsty thats up to her, and that it is my house and I don't like her room looking like a pigstye.

Me and Dd dont have the greatest of relationships at the mo as she is 10 going on 21 and getting on my nerves LOL.

She has just come down and said she has made the bed.

I haven't asked her if she is now going to tidy her room. I was kind of hoping she would just now do it to avoid having to make her bed again.

I second CoV's suggestion. That is what I threaten DS with when he doesn't tidy up and it always works.

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Seriously, she needs to keep her room tidy. It is your job to make sure she does. You have to treat her like a 10 year old.

I think that could be what is wrong here too YorkyPud.

She hoardes stuff, mainly crap.

I take it if you bought new storage etc. that it is easy for her to keep her room tidy?

Perhaps you could come to a compromise, like insist tha clothes are put away but ignore other mess?

Have a day when she has to tidy it once a week?

Agree on a day when she tidies it so you or she can get in there qith a hoover?

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I did think of telling both her and dd2 that if their rooms were both tiday when I checked them on a Sunday night then they could both get £1.

How does that sound ??

I hate being constantly on at them about their rooms, so that would mean I didn't mention it, just checked them once a week.

yorkshirepud makes a good point. would that help?

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I would be tempted if it was that bad to do it myself if it really is too much for her but then expect her to maintain it.

No, don't pay them to tidy their rooms. It will backfire. Better to take something away if they don't, but they should tidy their rooms regardless of whether or not they get paid to do so, imo.

how abou t a checklist of small jobs, like yorkshirepud suggested, so put clothes away, clear floor, etc that she can go through. Then instead of nagging her, you just hand her the list?

To some extent you are fghting a loosing battle tbh, but keep on it! DD is nearly 13 and despite her doing all the things you expect your dd to do, she still lives in a tip!

She's been doing it since she was yoounger than 10, but tbh, although I tell her nearly everyday, you have to chill a bit and not let it bother you. I leave her washing on the floor outside her bedroom now. I close the door and consider it not my job anymore. She does do it, because now, se wants it clean and tidy, when her mates are round, but I don't argue about it anymore. As I said, I still remind her, but I just don't nag. I do love it though, when she says, 'I can't find....' and I simply say, 'well if you kept your room tidy!'

I do normaly give in and tidy it myself, and then ask her to maintain it, but that never works.

Tbh all of my kids are messy, they must get it from me as I am currently struggling hugely to keep on top of the house.

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Oh yes Maureen, she loses stuff all the time because of the mess.

She is currently looking for two seperate £1 coins, and the Introduction to her project that is due in on Monday.

Ok, so, what about if, I tidy it when she is at school at some point next week (add's yet another job to list), and then tell her I expect her to keep it up ??

Really can't see her keeping it up tbh.

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Harsh, but that's her problem, not yours! She has to learn eventually.

I was the worlds worst control freak once, but, as a nearly secondary school child, you have to give in and start to pick the arguments, that are worth picking. Does it really effect the running of your house and your life, if she lives in a tip? Prrobably not. These are the questions I asked myself and the answer was no. I know its hard, but you have to let her learn the hard way.

ok how abou tyou sort it out at some point next wek and then every evening after that go in and supervise her tidying it up, so she can get nito the habit and also so she can see it's not so bad if it's done regularly and there is a place for everything. And make sure there really is a place for everything.

Good luck.

My dd1(11.5) is similarly challenged in the tidiness department and has assorted "special" bus tickets etc that can't be thrown out. However, I realised that constant rows etc weren't getting us anywhere so now I help her every few months to tidy it properly and she keeps it in OK condition in between times... but I do make her get out of bed in the evening when I go in to say goodnight if she has left clothes on the floor etc. I never tidy it for her ( but do occasionally go in and throw out obvious junk like dead felt tips). She has actually got much better in the past year so you may turn a corner soon too!