DD4 Overlooked in Pre-School Nativity

[hedgehog1518]

Ok so I know this seems a bit ridiculous, but it’s also valid for other situations and I don’t really know how to navigate my feelings and actions around it.

DD4 is in her final year of pre-school before going to school and they’ve just assigned parts in the nativity. Now this nursery is very small, there are literally less than 5 moving on to school next year, so you’d think the oldest few would be assigned more prominent roles. But DD has been given star number four. Last year she was angel number one and at pickup this week they more or less said she’s been downgraded this year because she won’t say her lines which absolutely broke my heart.

Now I’m well aware that she is a sensitive child, I was very similar. But what happened to me is that I just became used to being at the back, assuming I would never be picked and I retreated into my shell and despite years of trying, trying so so hard to be noticed and confident (despite my anxiety around failure) I always fell short. I was always just average, never special. And it cut deep, and I still feel less than to this day.

I categorically do not want my daughter to grow up feeling like this. I want to break the cycle and her be confident and passionate about what she loves rather than try to please others but I don’t know how to talk to her about it. This nativity situation is the first time I’ve really felt the feeling creep in.

I will also say I think it’s pretty shitty of pre-school not to give her a more front and centre role in her final year. Last year the Mary said 3 words so she could have just sat there, and they have given it to a toddler instead. Surely she will see this and be sad?

And yes again I know this is all pathetic really, but my deep rooted fear of rejection is rearing its head and I don’t know how to handle my emotions or what to say to encourage her when her friends are front and centre. How do I give her the confidence to speak up (and I know she can talk for England when she wants to) without being pushy and break her spirit? TIA

That’ll be because we live in the “first world”. It’d be odd to have a poster complaining about lack of access to water, basic healthcare or unstable govt. Well maybe not the last one…😉

That pretty much nails it.

You’re showing your daughter how to be a human being. It is parenting advice to say that you’ll find that easier if you don’t consider yourself ’less than’ as you said in your first post. (It’s also OK to decide that you want to improve your self-esteem for yourself). A friend of mine does cheaper online sessions, for example. Perhaps there are groups or other things that might help you without the full cost of therapy. Nobody knows your budget, so therapy is a natural thing to suggest.

DS1 was Joseph in his Nativity, DS2 has been cast as....a sheep. My initial "oh what" turned into a "wow, a sheep, that's such a cool costume" and he's been practicing his best sheep impression for a week now.

Kids aren't number 1 at everything, she'll be better at some things than others, there's always more confident kids, sportier kids, cleverer kids. You just have to frame it right. Have you seen that video of the boy who's so excited to be door number 3 or something? That's the energy we all need to bring!

Does your dd want a bigger part? When my dd17 was 8 and making her first communion she was picked to do the first reading at the mass. A few weeks later she came home and said she wasn’t doing it and X was doing it instead. I was a bit miffed but it turned out dd had panicked in rehearsal and said she didn’t want to do it, was very upset etc so the teacher sorted someone else to do it. Dd brought up the gifts with some other kid instead. Maybe your dd is shy and nervous and doesn’t want a big role. Like she’s only 4!

But, respectfully, what are you actually complaining about, OP? Your first post seemed to be taking issue with the nursery for not giving her a bigger part because it’s her last year, but now you seem to be saying you’re sad she’s not more confident and able to say her line, given that nursery have confirmed they considered her for a speaking part. And I don’t think it’s fair to put that on a four year old!

But they said she won't say her lines! So how can you want her to have a part with lines. You would rather traumatise your own child than support her in gaining confidence?

Sounds to me like they have done the right thing by your child. Imagine if they kept her in the role and then she didnt say her lines in front of all the people watching, i would imagine that would be quite upsetting for her, and they dont want to put that pressure on her.

If anything the stronger readers got stuck with being narrators poor dd was narrator number 4 whilst all her blond friends were angels which she eye rolled about!

Some people are really confident on stage but very shy otherwise. Others are very talkative in everyday life but struggle to speak in public. The two things aren't very connected so I don't think her not getting the part will connect to the rest of her life.

Lots of people get over their stage fright in their teens or later anyway, I'm not sure early experiences count for much. Although performing badly in front of people at an early age can be particularly difficult for shy/sensitive kids, so it might be better for her to be shielded from that.

If she won't say her lines or is quiet then drama might not be where she shines. My youngest is quiet and doesn't sing audibly on stage and looks at her feet and we always expect a minor role for her. She's great at sport and gets in the podium at sports day. Her sister could project her voice to the back of the room at age 2 and is confident on stage and gets big parts but is not very good at sport.

I get that that must be hard, but your thread post is literally titled about how she was “overlooked” with the nativity. She absolutely has not been overlooked.

Oh, I’m really hoping my daughter gets to be a star or an angel! Much prettier costumes than Mary!

Awwww bless her, maybe you can practice some reading aloud with her or do some dance and drama classes xx