DD4 Overlooked in Pre-School Nativity

[hedgehog1518]

Ok so I know this seems a bit ridiculous, but it’s also valid for other situations and I don’t really know how to navigate my feelings and actions around it.

DD4 is in her final year of pre-school before going to school and they’ve just assigned parts in the nativity. Now this nursery is very small, there are literally less than 5 moving on to school next year, so you’d think the oldest few would be assigned more prominent roles. But DD has been given star number four. Last year she was angel number one and at pickup this week they more or less said she’s been downgraded this year because she won’t say her lines which absolutely broke my heart.

Now I’m well aware that she is a sensitive child, I was very similar. But what happened to me is that I just became used to being at the back, assuming I would never be picked and I retreated into my shell and despite years of trying, trying so so hard to be noticed and confident (despite my anxiety around failure) I always fell short. I was always just average, never special. And it cut deep, and I still feel less than to this day.

I categorically do not want my daughter to grow up feeling like this. I want to break the cycle and her be confident and passionate about what she loves rather than try to please others but I don’t know how to talk to her about it. This nativity situation is the first time I’ve really felt the feeling creep in.

I will also say I think it’s pretty shitty of pre-school not to give her a more front and centre role in her final year. Last year the Mary said 3 words so she could have just sat there, and they have given it to a toddler instead. Surely she will see this and be sad?

And yes again I know this is all pathetic really, but my deep rooted fear of rejection is rearing its head and I don’t know how to handle my emotions or what to say to encourage her when her friends are front and centre. How do I give her the confidence to speak up (and I know she can talk for England when she wants to) without being pushy and break her spirit? TIA

Just wait. She'll find her confidence when she's ready. There's no reason to believe she won't.

Would she try theatre classes one that allocates parts equally. We started DD o. Stagecoach (though admittedly expensive and others would work) and it really helped her confidence. Parts always at the one we went to allocated out

I think you’re projecting your own insecurities onto your daughter and that’s not a good thing. Why not help her with her lines? Think of something else she might be good at and start classes?

Would your daughter want to have a more prominent role?

Probably the most ‘first world’ problem I’ve heard all year

It hurts because we all think we've bred the star of the show/they deserve it.

But how can preschool put a child who feels discomfort in the role?

You said yourself she's shy - force her out front and centre and it could be so traumatic she'd retreat further into her shell.

It sounds like they've attempted to give her a part that she'll feel comfortable with rather than one that showcases her as a final year student. I follow your reasoning, but do think it sounds driven by your own rejection sensitivity (sorry, I dont mean that harshly).

If she is happy, then that part is not a lesser part. She's part of it and can be celebrated as the centre of it all from your point of view. You'll see the star in all the Christmas stories and point them out as her etc. If she's not happy and desperate for a speaking part then it does suggest nursery have misunderstood her somewhat, but even the , I would gently guide her feelings into a more positive view. It's a big deal and lots of fun whatever the part is if you make it that way.

You are totally projecting. It would not be better for your daughters self esteem and confidence to be forced to do something optional that she doesn’t want to do.

You can’t blame the nursery. They did what you said and offered the oldest children the big parts but that doesn’t mean those children should be made to do it against their will.

There is a chance that your dd will see others doing lines she could have had and wished she’d done it, but equally she may feel glad that it’s not her. There will be more opportunities at school. Not everyone is made to be centre stage, and that is ok.

My DD in her nativity at nursery aged 3 broke down in tears when it was time to say her line, and ran to sit out the rest of the performance on my lap. This year she’s 6 and is Mary in her school nativity. I wouldn’t get too upset about what happens at nursery regarding role allocation. There are plenty of nativities yet ahead!

The absolute worst thing for her confidence would be to push her into a speaking role that she isn’t comfortable with and set her up for failure when she doesn’t say her lines. It’s not about you and your childhood issues. She’s still so young. There is plenty of time for her to come out of her shell and develop confidence. School will be a totally fresh start for her too. I’d consider a weekly kids drama class e.g. stagecoach because drama is grear for building confidence. And then be excited about her role as star no.4!

Perhaps you could look into some counselling for what happened to you? That might help you model something different to her.
She is unlikely to remember the nativity, so I wouldn’t think that it would define her.

Ridiculous and entitled.

Helping your daughter to built resilience is the way to go here not being devastated she didn't get a speaking park in a 4yo nativity play.

So which child should lose out on their part so your daughter can get a bigger one?

Instead of being upset and devastated about it focus on his to help her learn that she can’t always get what she want, that other children should have big parts too, that it isn’t the end of the world and focus on being the best star in the play.

I disagree. Mine are not at all like me. They were shy at four, yet confident as they grew up.

Honestly, you’re being a little bit precious here.

I agree with others that you are totally projecting your own issues onto your daughter and that isn’t healthy.

Im glad that I’m hearing of a nursery that has been mindful of your daughter’s needs and boundaries and hasn’t forced her into something she’s not ready for. Pushing her into this isn’t the way to develop her confidence and resilience.

Step back and look at the big picture here. You need to gain some perspective. She’s 4. She has her whole school life ahead of her and many, many, MANY opportunities to have bigger speaking parts in assemblies and plays.

Firstly, she almost certainly will be average and not 'special' because that's what most people are! That's how averages work. Your setting her (and yourself) aiming for 'special' status in a world full of average people. Maybe aim for happiness instead, happy is better and more achievable than special.

In terms of the play...has she actually noticed or said anything? I think its extremely unlikely that a four year old is aware enough to notice that they didn't get a starring role. It feels very much like this is a you issue rather than being upsetting for her. Does she want a big part? If she didn't like saying her lines last year, maybe she's a bit shy, then maybe she'll welcome a smaller role. Not everyone wants a big part.

This is something you really need to address with yourself before it starts impacting her.

If she’s been “downgraded” because she hadn’t been confident to say her lines, she’s clearly not comfortable. Her confidence will develop when she is working at tasks she feels safe and comfortable with, not forcing her into situations where she feels out of her depth. As a pp has said it does feel a little that you are pushing your own experience onto her. She’s only in pre school, plenty of time to find something she loves and enjoys and to flourish. If you’re concerned about confidence levels perhaps this is something to share with her teacher when she starts school next year, or see if pre-school can support her a bit more with working on this?

She's four. She doesn't want to do more. She's not being 'overlooked'. She is having her needs and wants considered. The nursery know her well enough to know it's inappropriate to put her into a position she would be unhappy with.

This has got fuck all to do with anything more. She's being four.

You are being over bearing and competitive and not listening to your daughter. You aren't considering her feelings. You just think there should be a hierarchy in nursery which should be played out in nursery.

Screw that shit and in life in general. She's four. Let her do what makes her happiest.

Clue - being Mary or some other 'top role' in the fucking nativity isn't going to make her happy. This is you being a competitive Mum who wants to boast about how amazing her child is.

You daughter is amazing in her own right. She doesn't need the lead in the nativity. She does need her mum to recognise that and to recognise what she's amazing at rather than trying to use her as an ego prop.

It sounds like they did try to give her a more prominent role.

If she's too afraid to say her lines in simple rehearsals, what do you think will happen when faced with a full audience? The nursery have done the right thing in giving her a less prominent role that she can be happy in.

My daughter and I sound like we have much in common with you and your own. My DD likes the idea of being in the spotlight, but when it's actually focused on her she gets stage fright. As did I when I was younger. I was an adult before I was comfortable talking in front of people, so I know confidence will eventually come.

As she's an early September baby she was literally the oldest in her final year of preschool and then Reception, yet she didn't get a speaking part in either. They went to more self confident children, while she was Angel 2 and Star 3 respectively. She was perfectly happy with this arrangement, and I was bursting with pride for her. This year's Nativity is both year 1 and year 2 with the year 2 getting the main roles and year 1 acting as the chorus, so we already know she won't have any lines.

My nursery no longer perform a nativity, so my son will have to wait until Reception to see if he is up to a speaking role.

Don't feel bad for being upset about it op: our dc are our soft underbellies, and if parents don't feel protective and offended on their behalf, I actually think that's weirder. You are just having a very maternal reaction!

That said, at nursery they are still so very young and I really don't think it matters - and the main thing is to be on your guard that you don't feed her any sense that you feel that it matters. I know this can be hard if you want to check in with her as to how she is feeling, but try to just ask "Oh, are you excited about being a sparkly star?" not "Did you mind/ do you wish ...?"

What I would say, however, is that I don't know why nurseries and Early years settings seem so wedded to having to make things into some kind of graded competition all the time: two lines for this child, front row spot and one line for this child, back row and no lines for you" etc . I can only assume it's some kind of box tick they have to do to show they are making adjustments/making tasks suitable for the individual. But I think it creates a toxic vibe - even among the parents. At our nursery Mums petitioned for certain parts - and I'm not joking!

When I myself was in those early classes, we each had a part that was similar in size and importance to all the other parts. No-one said much at all, but each scene had a carol to go with it which we all sang, eg "While Shepherds Watched" or "Away in a Manger" or "We Three Kings." That kind of told the story without the need for some children to dominate and others to hardly join in. We all grew up ok despite not having things adapted precisely to our exact Development Level or whatever drives it.

She'll be fine. Just go and smile and clap and give her a big hug. But I'm sorry you feel she's been overlooked; it does hurt.

Maybe she should have been given one of the more prominent roles but honestly does she really care if she’s Mary, an angel or even a farm yard animal? Not many 3-4 year olds will say any words, half will be trying to jump off the stage to sit with their parents and it will probably be the cutest carnage you’ve ever seen! Focus on having fun and telling her she did brilliantly, even if she does stand there like many will, happily sucking her thumb….

This is not the stuff complexes are made of!

Aww tell her how proud you are and help her to be the best star #4 ever.

I would let this go OP. Let her know how proud you are of her for being a very important star, remind her that if the stars weren’t there none of the other visitors would have found the stable! After the performance tell her how well she did, how proud you were of her doing her part so well.

TRy to think of other ways to build her confidence. Praise her for putting her shoes on the right feet, tidying up her toys, colouring between the lines, writing her name,remembering to hang up her coat, clearing her plate from the table.

Give her the opportunity to try new skills, scooting, riding a bike, swimming, kicking a football, catching a bean bag.

Success breeds success, the more chances she has to feel positive about herself the more she will feel positive about herself, if you only judge her success from how many words she has to say in a once a year performance then you are probably going to be very disappointed for a very long time.

You need to grow a thicker skin otherwise you are going to be in for years of disappointments . Not everyone can be the lead , have the big parts , be in the first team or win the prizes etc I’ve no doubt that you will find something where your daughter will shine but you can’t keep getting upset about times that she doesn’t get to .

Sounds like they tried and she didn’t want a “better” part