DD4 Overlooked in Pre-School Nativity

[hedgehog1518]

Ok so I know this seems a bit ridiculous, but it’s also valid for other situations and I don’t really know how to navigate my feelings and actions around it.

DD4 is in her final year of pre-school before going to school and they’ve just assigned parts in the nativity. Now this nursery is very small, there are literally less than 5 moving on to school next year, so you’d think the oldest few would be assigned more prominent roles. But DD has been given star number four. Last year she was angel number one and at pickup this week they more or less said she’s been downgraded this year because she won’t say her lines which absolutely broke my heart.

Now I’m well aware that she is a sensitive child, I was very similar. But what happened to me is that I just became used to being at the back, assuming I would never be picked and I retreated into my shell and despite years of trying, trying so so hard to be noticed and confident (despite my anxiety around failure) I always fell short. I was always just average, never special. And it cut deep, and I still feel less than to this day.

I categorically do not want my daughter to grow up feeling like this. I want to break the cycle and her be confident and passionate about what she loves rather than try to please others but I don’t know how to talk to her about it. This nativity situation is the first time I’ve really felt the feeling creep in.

I will also say I think it’s pretty shitty of pre-school not to give her a more front and centre role in her final year. Last year the Mary said 3 words so she could have just sat there, and they have given it to a toddler instead. Surely she will see this and be sad?

And yes again I know this is all pathetic really, but my deep rooted fear of rejection is rearing its head and I don’t know how to handle my emotions or what to say to encourage her when her friends are front and centre. How do I give her the confidence to speak up (and I know she can talk for England when she wants to) without being pushy and break her spirit? TIA

They gave her a more prominent role and she wouldn’t say her lines, so it’s quite understandable she’s been “downgraded”. She obviously didn’t feel comfortable in rehearsals so they gave her a role that’s better for her.
You're expecting too much. There will be many other children who don’t have a speaking role, it’s just how it is.

It doesn’t sound like she was comfortable saying the lines, they can’t force her and it wouldn’t be fair to do so. She’s only 4, I would not worry about this.

Just make star number four better and sparklier than all the other stars. Make it the best star ever. Cover it in those teeny battery fairy lights and let her shine !

Sorry OP, if she won’t say lines then she can’t have a big part. Separately, you need to stop projecting your issues on to her as you will do her no favours.

Thank you, you’re probably right ♥️

She said she is sad about it, which I don’t know how to navigate.

Possibly yes, but on this one I’ll definitely follow her lead and not push it. I was pushed into drama classes and whilst I didn’t mind it I don’t know if it will help her. I would love to find an activity she absolutely loves but as we know kids change their minds all the time!

Don't underestimate the ability for a star at nursery to steal the show...

I vividly remember being the star of Bethlehem at my preschool nativity. Was very proud of my shiny star attached to a stick that I got to wander around with, while in a standard angel costume without a halo. Then I had to stand behind Mary and Joseph, while Mary cuddled s dolly. They had chairs. My legs got tired. So I squeezed onto Mary's chair with her. She fell off the other side.

I think I definitely made it more entertaining for the watching mums and dads, while stealing Mary's chair and thunder...

You are projecting your feelings on to her. If she won’t say lines then they have given her an appropriate role - and she may be totally happy with that! Leave her (and the school) be.

Is this the time for a judicious fib?

"Sad?? How can you be sad when you get to be a beautiful star?"

And then I guess a bit of learning experience tossed in - well we can't all get what we want every time ( and then a bit more talk about how you think the star is a great part anyway?).

This is reminding me of a child in one of my dc's nativities who was cast as the dog. No lines ( not even a woof) and he had to file in behind the other stable animals crawling on all fours. I didn't even know there WAS a dog - though perhaps it was an attempt at a humorous reference to "dog in a manger." The teacher was actually quite a piece of work!

Anyway op, star you can work with op! No crawling on all fours!

Does she want a bigger part?

I’m not “devastated” she’s not been cast as Jesus Christ ffs. I’m just sad that she is sad about speaking up in a play when all her friends are confident and I don’t know how to navigate it. And I’ve even said to them I don’t want to take a part away from another child so thank you for making that assumption. I guess kindness skipped you please think before commenting.

😂

Definitely don’t want to and will not force her to do anything she doesn’t want to do. I even asked her if she wants to do the nativity, she said no but she likes the singing (carols). So perhaps that’s the route we take? I think it’s just a bigger picture thing of how can I boost her confidence with speaking up before she goes to school, but without being pushy. I’m not bothered about her being the star at all as I know it’s not right for her, I’m just sad that she’s sad about it all.

Not harsh at all I’m definitely projecting my insecurities and I’ll openly admit! I just need to try not let her see it. Thank you so much for your comment it’s really positive and productive and I think I’ll take it all on board in this scenario and others.

Absolutely!

Weirdly Mary and Joseph tended to be the 'bit parts' at DSs school. They made the 'bit parts' the stars instead! Much more interesting than the boring traditional version. DS got a role doing very little (I was happy with this as he hates speaking). Even better he didn't even have to have a costume, so I had a good smirk to myself about not having to fork out for a four year olds donkey costume!

And you clearly never found compassion for others and never will. What an awful thing to say in a public forum, I hope you can do some soul searching but that’s probably too hard for you.

There's nothing wrong with being a more thoughtful, measured and gentle character. Support her to develop confidence in being the gentle child she is rather than pushing her to be more extroverted.

You are really setting your dd up for a life time of insecurity. It does not matter one tiny bit if she is the worst actress in the world and never gets a single part in any play ever. That doesn't mean she is not special. She is absolutely fine as who she is. Why did you try so hard to be noticed and confident? Was it because your mother was also anxious about the fact that you weren't? Feeling special comes from the way a parent's face lights up when they see you, the way a parent shows interest in your thoughts and feelings, not from being Mary in the school nativity.

I think that’s why I’ve come here, to get advice on how NOT to project my insecurities and to help her thrive in her own little way in whatever she enjoys. It’s not like we’re born with an inbuilt parenting manual! Sometimes we just need a bit of advice

Kindly it's not really a hill to die on. My daughter had 1 line in P1, 1 in P2 and P3 and this year she has 2. She's more than capable of taking a leading part but it's only a nativity play.

If they didn't give her a lead role because she wouldn't be able to say her lines then that's better than pushing her forward when she's not ready at this stage.

As others said if you're worried about her confidence find a local drama group, speech and drama teacher or a sport like ju-jitsu. A friend's daughter was struggling with her confidence and ju-jitsu was amazing for her.

She is just four... sign her up to 9ut of school drama classes and by 10 she will be first whatever

First thought - why ruin pre school Christmas by having a nativity play.

Second thought - the whole nativity thing is a pain as favourites get chosen and other kids end up as animals or villagers

It’s not all about “being Mary” there are many other instances where I see her sad about her confidence. I don’t know what I’m doing and just need advice on how to raise a happy confident child in a world (which this thread has fully confirmed) is a harsh place.

I will caveat I’ve not said anything to her about this so she doesn’t know, I’m here for guidance not to be told what I already know or fear but I’m taking on board advice, and I think positive reinforcement is a good place to start whatever she ends up doing.

Yeah you are right I used the word devastated for you saying in your original post that your heart was broken. FFS yourself. I am being kind by telling you the truth and not sugar coating the response. You asked for feedback and now because you don’t like it you are accusing me of being unkind. You aren’t doing your daughter any favours and are now trying to justify your behaviour.