DD4 Overlooked in Pre-School Nativity

[hedgehog1518]

Ok so I know this seems a bit ridiculous, but it’s also valid for other situations and I don’t really know how to navigate my feelings and actions around it.

DD4 is in her final year of pre-school before going to school and they’ve just assigned parts in the nativity. Now this nursery is very small, there are literally less than 5 moving on to school next year, so you’d think the oldest few would be assigned more prominent roles. But DD has been given star number four. Last year she was angel number one and at pickup this week they more or less said she’s been downgraded this year because she won’t say her lines which absolutely broke my heart.

Now I’m well aware that she is a sensitive child, I was very similar. But what happened to me is that I just became used to being at the back, assuming I would never be picked and I retreated into my shell and despite years of trying, trying so so hard to be noticed and confident (despite my anxiety around failure) I always fell short. I was always just average, never special. And it cut deep, and I still feel less than to this day.

I categorically do not want my daughter to grow up feeling like this. I want to break the cycle and her be confident and passionate about what she loves rather than try to please others but I don’t know how to talk to her about it. This nativity situation is the first time I’ve really felt the feeling creep in.

I will also say I think it’s pretty shitty of pre-school not to give her a more front and centre role in her final year. Last year the Mary said 3 words so she could have just sat there, and they have given it to a toddler instead. Surely she will see this and be sad?

And yes again I know this is all pathetic really, but my deep rooted fear of rejection is rearing its head and I don’t know how to handle my emotions or what to say to encourage her when her friends are front and centre. How do I give her the confidence to speak up (and I know she can talk for England when she wants to) without being pushy and break her spirit? TIA

That’s so lovely for her! I actually think I’ve come on a bit of a journey since I typed the original post (which in hindsight was a bit rage baity with the title)…I honestly wouldn’t mind if she was the donkey in every subsequent nativity to be honest as long as she isn’t sad!

I think, OP, our parents are the most important people when we are growing up. The individuals I know with the worst crises of confidence are people whose parents expected too much from them (and, ironically, some of them probably looked from the outside like the "Big Nativity Part kids" when young).

You can't control the world's reactions or treatment of her but you CAN control yours.

Let her know you believe in her and she'll be fine.

Counselling is always a great idea, but I’d also settle for a parenting course because I’ve no bloody clue what I’m doing 😅

I don't know the answer OP but just to say, I get it.... as a quiet child this happened to me constantly and I was very aware of it from a young age.

Thank you ♥️

We/they are so aware! I think the most helpful comments here have pointed towards positive reinforcement no matter what she does/wants to do. No comparing, no pushing. I hope I can do the right thing!

You can help her confidence before school by talking to her alot. Asking questions at the dinner table and talking about things she liked so that she can join in. Contributing to a discussion will start to come more naturally with time.

Look into girls football- they’re all pretty much starting from the same standard at that age so she won’t be overshadowed, and will have lots of fun while building new skills. Also fairly low cost and accessible!

Thank you! It also doesn’t help that there’s a new baby at home so I feel like I’ve not been able to have good quality one on one time. And I feel SO guilty about it…

She'll gain more confidence for doing something well within her comfort zone than from doing something too much outside her comfort zone which ends up being a disaster as a result and thus destroying the confidence she does have now.

It's about building blocks. Think tortoise and hare on this. It's a long game where she maybe needs more praise and encouragement for what she CAN do to get to the same level as the next child.

Stop comparing her to the other kids. Look at her and what's best for her and how to get her to certain goal points.

I can understand your concerns op, but really just brush this one off.

'Oh that's great, you're a star in the Nativity! My little superstar!' etc etc. Positive reinforcement.

And move on.

My DD was shy at that age but as she has got older she has come out of her shell more.

You have to take personality into consideration a lot at this age: there's introverts and extroverts and everyone in between.

Okay so the title in hindsight was a bit rage baity (which you bit by the way), but I guess my real concern is her feeling sad about her confidence levels full stop and how to make her happy. Luckily I’ve had some great advice here, not from you.

Instead of being pissed off at school put her into performance class like Stagecoach or Perform or similar, to build her confidence. Being angry at school won’t get you anywhere.

There's no rush. Just see what she likes doing and encourage it. It can seem unfair at times, or that your dc is being overlooked. Just have fun together and minimise this sort of minor disappointment. You care enough that she'll find what she likes or is good at. The one thing i regret is all the angst about this sort of thing and not just enjoying the time together. None of it matters really. I honestly don't think the Mary and Josephs of our nativities were particularly successful later on. Those who thrived seemed to have parents who just liked doing things with them.

My toddler has been a quiet gentle soul from the womb and he's brimming with confidence. They are two different things. I don't think we've done anything in particular but it wouldn't cross my mind to encourage him to do/be/aim for more. Whatever he is doing is praised as the best thing ever. He has to say hello for manners but beyond that he can be in the background as much as he wants as long as he's content. When he wants something he's well able to tell the trusted people around him. I don't identify with your struggle OP but there are other loads I carry from my own experience that I have no idea what I'm meant to do to make sure it doesn't affect him. We're all just winging it.

Luckily I’ve managed to never compare her up until now, and never to her face obviously. I did ask her if she wanted to do the nativity and she said no (although I don’t think it’s actually an option for her to sit it out?). She’s super quiet so it’s hard to know what she really enjoys, but also I’m well aware that she’s four! Hopefully time will tell and we can give her lots of support with the things she loves. We do keep trying things and if she doesn’t love it we just stop and don’t push it. But then…does that mean she’ll always give up if it’s a little bit daunting?? It’s such a minefield!

I’m glad in a way I’m navigating this parenting minefield in this little pre-school bubble so that when she hits school and real situations arise so we know how to deal with them!

Haha I wonder if anybody has studied where kids who plays different roles in their childhood nativities ended up 😅

Get a therapist and work this through with them. Don’t angst and project on to your daughter.

Why do you want your daughter to have part she doesn't want, won't feel confident to do and will possibly feel upset/embarrassed when she doesn't do it in front of everyone on the day? Unless SHE is heartbroken (without your prompting) about "only" being a star, then it sounds like it is what's best for her. Why wouldn't you want the best for your child?

To be honest I’d rather it not be done either as they’re all so little! Save it for school and just let them sing some carols (which she’s actually super into btw and I’ll keep practising with her). It is lovely to get together either way.

Sorry I thought it was clear I only wanted what was best for her. I want her to be happy and she has said speaking up makes her sad and I’d much rather she were confident and happy. I’m now really regretting the rage bait title 🤦‍♀️ I’ve also come on a journey through this thread this evening 😂

Would be fab if you could pay for that!! Meanwhile I’m just here for positive parenting advice.

No it doesn't mean she'll give up!

It means you just need to go at her pace!

Centre her! Not your issues or anxiety.

None of us have a manual.

Her manual would be different to the manual of any other child anyway.

We all have to make it up.

She IS amazing. Stop doing her down cos that's what you are doing already.

Okay so I’m done here I can’t keep
up anymore, thank you for the really helpful advice!

• Will positively reinforce when necessary.
• Will get excited and practise the carols she’s learning for it which she is far more excited about.
• Wont push or mention the part but might speak to nursery just to say follow her lead and don’t push her into anything she doesn’t feel confident to do.
• Will be there to cheer her on no matter what she does!
• Will keep following her lead in everything she does and try find things that excite her and bring her out of her shell naturally.

She’s only 4, give her time and talk to her about how sometimes we just don’t get what we hoped for.

I was a painfully shy and anxious child and always ended up crying and running away before any plays, ballet shows, etc. Looking back I wish my mother had put a little more effort into helping me overcome anxiety, but now it’s done. I’m still a ball of anxiety and socially awkward but a lot better!

Honestly there’s no right answer. I made sure to socialise my DD a lot (scouts, theatre, etc) and while she appears very confident and will definitely speak up for herself, at home she’s a ball of anxiety.