Help! My Husband is rubbish at playing with our son

[Mamma1992]

Hey,

I need some advice. My son is 2 and such a lovely boy. I’m a stay at home mum and used to previously work in childcare, so we do loads of fun activities at home and have a great time.

my problem is that I’ve started to feel my husband is just a bit rubbish with our son in terms of play and it’s actually making me feel a certain way towards him which isn’t good.

he’s always been a good dad. He loves him so much and my son adores his dad. But he’s always been rubbish with play. He comes home from work and most times after saying hello to me and chatting then messing around with our son for 5 minutes wants to just watch tv.

thing is he does mess around with him as I said like throw him around, run around and stuff and my son loves it but it’s short bursts, but he never sits with him and plays with his toys and my son does want him to sometimes.

it’s started to make me so upset. My son wants to play in his world with his dad like he does with me and we just can’t seem to get that from him! I speak to him about it and he just says he does but he doesn’t.

Don’t get me wrong he’s not a bad dad because he’s not my son feels loved by him and they do have a good relationship but I want it to be better.

what can I do?

What a lot of bad dad apologists on this thread. The op is clearly upset about the amount of time her husband spends with their son not the content. She even says she's happy with his rough-housing she just wants him to do more. And the poster upthread who says her husband won't play with his child because he's afraid of the op's opinion? Someone who wouldn't interact with their own child for that reason is not a "lovely dad" they're a child themselves.

I wanted to come on here from the perspective of a parent who really did not enjoy playing with my DS when he was very little and who was the parent of a child who had a lot of behaviuoral difficulties. Whilst this isn't exactly the problem you have op, I just wanted to extol the virtues of playing with your child

DS was often very clingy and demanding of attention - almost constantly at one point which I really struggled with but this book really helped me Playful Parenting

It is a bit old now but it gave me so many good ideas about how to deal with DS when he wanted to play the sorts of games I didn't (ie fake shotoing and fghting with sticks) in a way that worked and that didn't involve telling offf or being critical.

One important idea it passed on to me is that if we can give our children some regular time to play with us in a way that is completely led by them, that this will really help their behaviour and our relationships. This really did work with DS.

A couple of times a week, I would set a timer of 30mins and tell DS that this was play time . He could decide what we played and I was completely led by him. The only rules were no hurrting. We sometimes wrestled, we sometimes played with his action characters, sometimes we built forts and told stories. It was all led by DS and I followed. I sometimes found it hard to completelly stay present , especially when we were playing with his action heros (yawn! ) but the 30 min timer helped with that. DS was not a child who wanted to do quiet activiees - like ever !, so I had to have the energy for his games which were 90% of the time of the physical variety. Quite honestly, I'd have loved him to be happy drawing and doing jigsaws.

When the beeper went off, DS was always much less clingy and difficult to please for quite a while afterwards and we both felt a lot closer to each other. Over time he would suggest the 30 min play and this was usually his way of saying he wanted to reconnect for whatever reason. We couldn't always so it immediately when he asked but we would agree a suitable time and I always kept that agreement without fail.

I am firmly of the opinion that this practice helped save my relationship with DS (who has ASD and ADHD and whose behaviour was often difficult to manage when he was younger) and I think it helped him moderate his behaviour. During our wrestling bouts he sometimes went too far, but my response was always 'no hurting' in a calm voice, if you do that again we will stop the timer early. He never did it a second time and over time even the occasional hurts stopped as he learnt to control his natural enthusiasm while we wrestled

This is just by way of saying that putting aside time to play with your child is never a waste of time (even though it can feel like that, and in fact I really struggled with it). And by that I mean letting the child lead and playing what they want to play, not what you prefer to do

Whilst it is probably not as necessary with NT children, for DS it saved our relationship which had got very strained by his anxiety driven behaviour and which I was struggling to manage calmly at the time

Just my experience op

When someone causes you to doubt yourself and shatters your confidence, that's how you become. That's why it is best to not be emotionally abusive and controlling.

OP said: I have found them when it’s things that my husband enjoys he’s great. When we were on holiday recently and we had the pool he played with my son all day long pretty much. He enjoys reading to him and will read quite a few books and when we go to places like soft play he takes the lead on it.

He is a good date - OP is trying to control/dictate the length and content of their interactions.

I don't see how wanting you to play with your own child for more than 5 minutes a day is abusive and controlling.

There's an excellent, helpful response from @bumblingbovine49 just above.

She also said that he's very inconsistent. All she wants is consistency and consistent consideration of her child's needs.

OP, I think your husband is being lazy. Maybe put together some of the points from the helpful posts around the positive impact that play with parents has on children and some of the tips on how to do it effectively and see if he steps up. If not, then you'll know he's not willing to make an effort even when he knows it's beneficial to your son.

Just to want to say thank you for all the advise and opinions. Think we need to sit down and have a chat about all of this.

I still do think my child needs more from him and possible bedtime and bath times with him too. I also do agree that I shouldn’t dictate what they do together as this could come across as controlling on my side.To be honest I’d be happy with however he plays with him as long as it’s for a bit of a longer period and they have that time together.

I think this post and all the replies has made me realise it’s not so much about what they are doing but just that my child gets the quality time he needs with his dad

Its not just play. It is play exactly the way I think you should play and let me observe you and critique your performance like OFSTED.

@JadeSquid

I didn’t say that. Yes I said I’d like it if he maybe actually played with my son with his toys when he asks him but I also said that it’s short periods of time.

I didn’t really say anywhere that I control what they do and I would never just sit and watch them and say anything to him. I just want him to spend more time with him is that so bad?

@Mamma1992 I think you've done really well to take on board what everyone's saying, particularly given the, um, robust, nature of some of the feedback. It might help to frame the conversation as adapting your routine now that DS is getting older.

If DH prefers going out to do things with DS, I know a family who have had Sunday mornings out with Dad as part of the family routine for years. It's not usually anything elaborate, a bike ride, play park, swimming, soft play, etc., but it's a reliable block of bonding time, just the two of them.

Some people find it hard though and it’s great he’s able to engage with things that he likes - swimming and reading are great skills so maybe he prefers more structured/functional stuff.

I don’t think not playing certain things with a child after work makes you a bad dad????

@Mamma1992 I’ve just read your other thread.

You are really controlling how your DH interacts with his son and the end result of that could well be him backing right off and leaving you, the expert, to crack on.

Which would be a shame given that he seems to be a good, loving dad.

Perhaps we’re all further down the line and are seeing the situation differently because of our life experience.

She picked him to father her children. He’s not a natural dad or at least he’s not at the age group the child currently is. Maybe he’ll be a better dad as the child gets older and they kick about together a bit more, share a hobby or something. Some men aren’t great dads. It’s annoying. What won’t change a damn thing though is moaning and griping and writing on message boards for confirmation. He has to want to be a better dad and so far he hasn’t stepped up. That sucks but there we are.

Oof, that thread was hard to read. I can see why the dad has backed off.

OP you're really going to ruin their relationship. Have you ever had therapy?

I don't see where she was controlling at all? She said she was concerned not that she was stopping it. Evidently she took on board what was said in her last thread and in this thread has been cautiously positive about his rough play.

OP you do seem a little anxious but equally I can see it would be worrying if a father is inconsistent in the time he spends with his child and then goes straight to scary or rough play. I would be concerned that the child didn't have enough of a bond in place to feel safe and would maybe go along with the play for his father's approval. You clearly felt some disquiet, whether that was being overly anxious or motherly intuition no one on this thread can judge.

Your other thread suggests that your DH did lots of play with your son but you criticised everything he did, so I can see why he may have backed off. Whilst working in early years is helpful in understanding very basic interactions with children, I don't believe you have any qualifications to suggest your parenting is superior to your DH's. If you would like to continue to be a SAHM to your DS, you need to work on your marriage. Once your DS is in school, there is nothing to stop your partner working full time and opting to parent DS 50/50 if you divorced.

We all have our own strengths- some people are great at rough-and-tumble, some people love reading and make that love infectious, some are great at sports or imaginative play or board games or creative arts, or passing on a love of nature and the ability to pay close attention to the natural world, and so on and so on. Not many of us are great at all of it.

Sounds like your son is lucky to have two parents with complementary strengths rather than identical strengths. Let your husband develop his own relationship with him- it might not be what you imagined or expected but it will be particular to them and that is what is important.

Just reading this thread is bringing back the shame. I've never been able to play with my kids in that way either - it's not just that I find it excrutiatingly boring, I actually don't know how to do it. I just don't get it. I used to feel bad about that so I'd sit there and try and just not have a clue what I was supposed to be doing. However as they've got older I understand that I'm good at different things with them and have learned to focus on those instead rather than getting depressed about what I'm not doing well. Different people in your child's life have different roles and right now it may not be your husband's time, but at some point your child will develop different interests and activities, he'll have a different routine and you may find that your husband turns out to be a lot better at some of that than you. If your husband prefers something structured then maybe bath and bedtime might be the best thing for them to do. It's still time together, just not how you prescribe they should be spending that time. If you're good at playing with him then great, you go ahead and do that but let your husband find his own way. Of the various things for which I resent my father, not playing imaginary games with us has never made the list. You need to relax a bit before they both start rejecting your control - and let your son find his own way too occasionally. It's good for children to get bored and find a way around it instead of you resourcing all his time.

I’ve just read your other thread too OP. You need to back off and leave your husband to it. If you think he isn’t spending enough time with your son that’s different and he absolutely should be doing his share of bath and bedtime routine etc. But as for how he interacts with him and plays with him- that’s not for you to dictate. He’s bringing a bond and a dynamic that you cannot and it’s just as valuable as the relationship you have with your son.

Bear in mind OP that you might enjoy and do all the imaginary games with your son now, but that’s a phase that will pass. When he’s older you may find yourself on the sidelines when your son is too old for these games and is bonding with his dad playing football, rugby, video games, or whatever else. Before any of the usual suspects cry sexism, these are just examples. Often young boys mostly rough and tumble and do outdoor play with their fathers when they’re little, but as he grows there will be Lego and model making and video games and sports and all the rest to bond over.

I think youre being a bit harsh. He should do what he enjoys. I hated playing with dolls or cars or dinosaurs.. so boring.
When i was a sahp my worst nightmare would be sitting at home playing with my children. I would always take them out, walk to the shop, stop at the playground, have a picnic in the forest. In bad weather we would go to softplay or my mums house or a friends house. Anything to avoid playing boring things 😄

If you feel he doesnt spend enough time with his son in general, then you should address that problem. You cant tell him how to play though.

The best part is when your child keeps saying “youre doing it wrong” or “no, she doesnt say that now! Say something else!” 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

I was the same. Struggled with imaginary play but I liked doing things like arts and baking with mine. And we’d be out loads.

OP if you’re at home all day with him then he’s getting plenty of opportunities for imaginary play with you. Plus any groups and childcare opportunities in the future to be around kids. Plus it’s also really important for them to learn to play alone.

from your OP it suggests he’s been at work all day and maybe just needs a bit of a breather. I know for you you also need a break and some time away from being mum maybe.

but honestly if he reads and swims etc then I don’t think there’s an issue here.

I’ve not see the other thread