Help! My Husband is rubbish at playing with our son

[Mamma1992]

Hey,

I need some advice. My son is 2 and such a lovely boy. I’m a stay at home mum and used to previously work in childcare, so we do loads of fun activities at home and have a great time.

my problem is that I’ve started to feel my husband is just a bit rubbish with our son in terms of play and it’s actually making me feel a certain way towards him which isn’t good.

he’s always been a good dad. He loves him so much and my son adores his dad. But he’s always been rubbish with play. He comes home from work and most times after saying hello to me and chatting then messing around with our son for 5 minutes wants to just watch tv.

thing is he does mess around with him as I said like throw him around, run around and stuff and my son loves it but it’s short bursts, but he never sits with him and plays with his toys and my son does want him to sometimes.

it’s started to make me so upset. My son wants to play in his world with his dad like he does with me and we just can’t seem to get that from him! I speak to him about it and he just says he does but he doesn’t.

Don’t get me wrong he’s not a bad dad because he’s not my son feels loved by him and they do have a good relationship but I want it to be better.

what can I do?

Perhaps accept that’s not who your husband is. He may be better at it when proper board games or jigsaws become a thing, not everyone can do toddler level play, I certainly didn’t enjoy it I was lucky my son wasn’t one for making up games so I was saved from that. You say he’s a great Dad, does he engage with your son for longer when it’s stuff he enjoys or can connect with?

What can you do ? Leave the man alone and let him play the way he enjoys the most. You said that your son feels loved, so what else do you want ?
You sound quite petty. If it is so important for you that actually someone sits down and play with this or another toy with your child you go ahead and do it. It just seems crazy to police how a parent player with their child if both of them are having a lovely time together.

@Pashazade thanks for your reply.

yes I have found them when it’s things that my husband enjoys he’s great. When we were on holiday recently and we had the pool he played with my son all day long pretty much. He enjoys reading to him and will read quite a few books and when we go to places like soft play he takes the lead on it. I just find it in a way a bit selfish that he will only be good when it’s thing he likes but maybe I’m being to harsh.

@TodaRythm

not sure if you understood or read the entirety of my post but I do. I always am playing with him.
it’s that even when my husband does do the rough play or running round play it’s short lived as well.

My son is asking him daddy play in my bedroom he wants him to play with his toys and he doesn’t want to.

I was a SAHM my DH had a physical job with long driving. When he came home he was tired and I wouldn't expect him to start playing with my children. What time does he get home wouldn't you be winding down by then. Can't he just sit and read and look at books.

I think you juts have to accept that's how things are for now - it's likely they won't always be. My dh was terrible at playing with ds when he was a toddler, he couldn't really do imaginative play and got bored easily. But as ds grew they found more things they could do together, football, bike riding, climbing, chess. DS is adult now and they have a great relationship and go off and do lots together. Let dh find his own relationship with ds.

I think some people (not just men) find free play difficult and prefer structured activities. Does your DH take DS swimming or to the park at weekends? I think it's fine for him to relate to DS in ways they both enjoy.

My son is asking him daddy play in my bedroom
I never played in my childrens bed
rooms their toys were downstairs. Can't he bring some toys down and play next to him sitting down.

Leave him alone. Stop expecting him to parent how you want him to - he’s not you, he’s not your employee or colleague in childcare, he’s not an extension of you.

@SouthwarkLass @ButtonMushrooms

thanks for your replies.

i do understand that maybe it’s easier for me as I’ve worked in childcare and it just comes naturally. I can see that he gets bored and finds it hard to play with toys. And as I said they do have a good relationship.

He used to take him out quite a lot but it’s stopped recently and unless we have plans he just really wants to chill at home. I know things come in phases but maybe that has made me see it more as just in general he’s not making as much effort.

I do think he’s very tired from work recently. I just don’t know I just worry because my dad was great with all of us and he worked 6 days a week but every Sunday without fail it was his day and I had the best memories from it. I just want that for my son

Do you also run around with him and throw him around? If not, why not?

I think you need to accept that he isn't necessarily rubbish at playing with DS, he just isn't you and it's perfectly fine for him to play differently.

I’m think this nails it, it sounds quite brutal but the truth is you don’t get to control and micro manage your DH like this.

I was rubbish at playing with my DS when he was little. My DM, who was also his childminder from 6 months when I had to return to work, would play all sorts of imaginary games with him. His favourite was playing shops with her. I would try to play but after about 10 minutes I would lose the will to live! DH was the one who did the chasing the ball, riding a bike stuff. I was the one who sat and played Lego with him and made up stories for him at bedtime. I think children get different things from different people. It doesn’t make one parent better than the other. DS is 25 now and certainly has never mentioned I never played with him much.

I am a primary school teacher but like your husband I found it impossible to do 'playing' with toys etc. I did activities and read books and helped with puzzles and baked cakes endlessly but i didn't do imaginative play with my small children. I did teach them all their phonics and numbers v early on. I think your husband sounds involved and a good parent.

The only imaginative play game I embraced with enthusiasm was the one where I pretended to be asleep and they pretended to be quiet so they wouldn't wake me up.

im like this a bit - i love swimming with the kids, or soft play, playground - activities out the house are basically my thing! I can't stand role playing games and sitting playing in the house - il sit and do magic tiles or lego for a bit but thats my limit!

My husband will play all sorts of great games like the bedroom is turned into an airplane or they are playing shop - I just cant get into those games myself!!

I'm definitely more of a get them out of the house to something person - I have a day off with 18month old in the week and i always go to soft play as i dont think i could do enough at home to make the day as enjoyable!

I have merlin passes as we love theme parks and i have my older girl at these parks very regularly for days out or places like the aquarium

let him find his own way to play - it might be different to yours

I think you need to stop putting this pressure on him to be your father. Nobody will want to live with those impossible to meet expectations all the time. It will start to affect how he interacts with his child, and at that point, he will consider if he could be a better father away from you.

There is a danger in parenting that the parent who has the most contact with the child (especially in a SAHP situation) gets to feel that their way is the only way.

It sounds as though your OH is a good Dad - in his way, not yours. Be happy about this.

Parents play slightly different roles in a child's life and each has its place and value.

Your child won’t always be this age, and won’t always want to play the way he does now.

I’m great at imaginative play, and have endless patience for it. I’m less great (ie shit) at things like rampaging round mountain bike courses. My small grandkids gravitated more to me, my now older grandkids think my husband is the most fun adult ever made.

And also, it’s okay to say no to kids wanting constant adult involvement with their games/toys. Some independent play, even boredom, is good for them.

The thing your son is going to thrive from the most is a stable family home with two parents that love him and love each other, so you’re feelings towards your husband are actually more detrimental to your son than your husband being bad at pretend play.

I don’t do imaginative free play/role play with the kids either. I’ll help them build stuff out of duplo/lego, we do puzzles together, play board games, we bake, go to the playground etc. etc.

DH needs to be allowed to find his own style of parenting. If that’s physical play, going out to soft play or swimming and reading stories together for downtime then that’s absolutely fine, in fact it sounds lovely.

Perhaps he will come into his own when your child is older and does more interesting things.

Every parent has a stage they are good at and a stage they are less into.

Playing with toys is really boring, thats why playgroups exist!

I mean he should do it for a short time every now And then as it makes his son happy, and gives you a break, but maybe he'd rather take him swimming, or something else like that?

I think you need to make a distinction between them spending quality time together and what they do with that time. If DH plays in a different way from how you play, that's fine, even a positive that DS gets a bigger range of play. (I do think a bit of compromise is good, though – you don't want an adult constantly modelling 'I'll only play with you if we play what I want to play'.)

However, you also say that DH is less keen on park trips, etc. If it's a brief thing whilst he's snowed under at work, fair enough, life happens. How much time is he spending engaging with DS? If on a weekday, it's five minutes messing about, but then half the time he does bath, stories, and bedtime, that sounds pretty good. If it's five minutes messing about and that's it for the day, not so good.

I feel sorry for your husband. He’s not doing anything wrong, stop making him feel like he is.

Honestly, playing with a 2 year old is pretty boring. But actually kids don’t need a parent constantly entertaining them (actually it’s not a good thing, they need to learn to explore and engage with the world independently), but that doesn’t mean they can’t spend time together.

They could go for a walk, go to the playground, go swimming, go outside and kick a ball around, watch tv and talk about it together, read a book, go do the food shopping and talk about what they see, go to a cafe and have a babyccino and a cake, etc.

@skkyelark thanks for your reply.

yeh I think that’s the thing. I always do bath and bedtime that’s just how it’s always been and I don’t mind that. He’ll sometimes do a story before bed. But that’s where my problem lies. I think he should be interacting with him more since he’s not doing any of that.

on the weekends unless something is planned he’s not wanting to do anything with him anymore. And when I bring it up he just says that he does and it does turn into an argument. It does come in phases for a few weeks he’s super dad and then it’s goes back to this again.