Help! My Husband is rubbish at playing with our son

[Mamma1992]

Hey,

I need some advice. My son is 2 and such a lovely boy. I’m a stay at home mum and used to previously work in childcare, so we do loads of fun activities at home and have a great time.

my problem is that I’ve started to feel my husband is just a bit rubbish with our son in terms of play and it’s actually making me feel a certain way towards him which isn’t good.

he’s always been a good dad. He loves him so much and my son adores his dad. But he’s always been rubbish with play. He comes home from work and most times after saying hello to me and chatting then messing around with our son for 5 minutes wants to just watch tv.

thing is he does mess around with him as I said like throw him around, run around and stuff and my son loves it but it’s short bursts, but he never sits with him and plays with his toys and my son does want him to sometimes.

it’s started to make me so upset. My son wants to play in his world with his dad like he does with me and we just can’t seem to get that from him! I speak to him about it and he just says he does but he doesn’t.

Don’t get me wrong he’s not a bad dad because he’s not my son feels loved by him and they do have a good relationship but I want it to be better.

what can I do?

What a ridiculous post. Quite mean and spiteful towards your husband.

The more I read what you have to say the more I feel sorry for your husband .

Okay, so this is a proper issue - not the lack of playing.

Your husband should be doing his fair share of bath and bedtime, you need downtime in the evenings too.

I think it’s accepting that his relationship with his dad is different to his relationship with you. Different connection, involvement and play but if he’s a brilliant dad then it isn’t necessarily a problem. I get it, I used to think the same with my DH - over the years my children just interact with him differently, much more physical play, bike rides etc - they absolutely love this but also know I’m the one who knows what their reading, who their favourite character/game is, will play board games with etc - I’m not better just different (except I’m better at listening to them!)

I’m not quite sure why all the hateful comments saying I’m being mean and they feel sorry for my husband.

i love my husband and i love my son. I want what’s best for all of us and want to know how to do with things in a way we can all be happy.

i have certain expectations free or how we parent our child and that includes playing with him as he has expectations on how I am as a mum and wife. If I was doing nothing all day with our son I’m sure he’d have something to say.

this post is not to dig at him, I wanted advice on how to deal with this and also peoples views as maybe I am being a bit over the top

You are being over the top.

I'm a 'childcare professional' and because I have lots of experience and knowledge about children I think the things I do are correct for our children.

In early days I would interfere in the way my husband interacted with our children, trying to coach him into doing things 'right'.

It just annoyed him and I can see why - I was actually being interfering and annoying and it wasn't helping at all - it actually made him less likely to play with the children because 'he could never do anything right'.

He's a great dad - but his way of interacting with the children is entirely different to mine and neither are wrong. They respond to him differently.

He's not hurting your child, he's just doing things differently - I would echo the above - he is not staff, his relationship with his child is his own to develop.

If you want him more involved get him on bath time every night. Seems fair as you're with your son all day.

I don't think you cam expect him to suddenly start enjoying 2 year old playing in the way you do. I always hated it. Absolutely avoided it. I'm good at walks, chatting at bedtime, and cuddles tho. You cant expect your husband to parent the same way you do.

I'm guessing your son isn't yet of an age where he wants to play role-playing games with you, where he'll tell you exactly where to sit and how to act out your role in the game? It can be amusing at first but quickly becomes really tiresome and frustrating for adults.

That's what you're doing to your husband. You've decided how a father must act and you're trying to control his behaviour to fit into that mould. It's going to drive him away, and will that be "what's best" for your son?

I just worry because my dad was great with all of us and he worked 6 days a week but every Sunday without fail it was his day and I had the best memories from it. I just want that for my son

So your Dad wasn’t constantly playing with you, as you are expecting your DH to do with your son, but you still have great memories of him. Can you not infer anything from this?

I think you're being a bit controlling. I feel a bit sorry for your husband. I don't like really like playing with toys with my daughter but I'll happily do songs/books/take her out/involve her in chores. Let him do what he wants with his own son, he doesn't have to copy what you do. If you want him to do more, why don't you go out? Why are you always doing bedtime? Make some weekend and evening plans and leave him to it. No judgement on being a SAHM but it can create this imbalance in couples where your son is your total focus whereas your husband has work as another priority. For us, both working makes things far more equal - when I'm working and my husband has our daughter, I don't think twice about what he's doing with her.

Get a grip op, this is really silly. Let him play with his son in the way that he prefers to. Aslong as he's giving him love and attention it doesn't have to be in the specific way that you want it to be

I agree that you should take turns in bath time and bed time.

But you can’t direct your DH on how he plays with his own son.

I think you really need to acknowledge how working in childcare is shaping you as a mother. I wonder if he feels aware that you are the “expert” and he’s not going to have a say or match up to that.

Lots of adults don't do this kind of play with their DC, it is hard and boring for most adults. And it is healthy for your DC to learn to play alone. Aslong as he takes DC to the park sometimes, swimming, days out etc and is kind and parents I don't see the problem. I'm sure at some point your DS will have common interests with your DH that don't interest you, gaming, sports etc.

I have 5 dc and love them all dearly, but I was rubbish at play. I loved spending time with them, loved reading to them and engaging with them, but I really struggled playing with them for a long period of time, I found it so, so boring. I think your son is lucky to have a parent who will play with him as much as he wants, and you are lucky that you have the opportunity to be a sahm. Your dh has a different relationship with your son, and that's ok. I agree with pp, if your dh did bed and bath time every night or at least most nights that would give them some lovely quality time together.

YABUVU.

Some people, especially men, just don’t enjoy the sort of toddler play you are wanting your DH to do. It just doesn’t come naturally to them. But it does come naturally to you - you have even worked in childcare - and you do that sort of play with your DS, and your DH does other sorts of activities with him, so what’s the problem? Your DS does not always have to have exactly what he might want, when he wants it, you know!

Your DH sounds like a lovely Dad. He’s probably not wanting to do so much with your DS any more because he knows you’ll be watching him like a hawk and ready to criticise and tell him to do things differently. You and he are providing different, complementary parental roles. Leave him alone.

I have four children and I’m ND. I have never played with my kids as I literally do not have the imagination for it. Instead I roughhouse, read with them, sing with them, take them out.

I have all boys, and being ND means I have special interests, one being child psychology (in particular the psychology of boys). My reading and research indicates that the most important activity your husband can do with your son is roughhousing.

The resentment towards your husband not playing with your son will cause more damage to your son that him not playing in his bedroom with his toys lol

I recommend you pick up some books on raising boys to get some perspective.

Play doesn’t come naturally to everyone, but I think it would be fair to raise with him that you’ve noticed that your son wants to engage with him through play but he’s saying no a lot, and little kids see that as a rejection.

I agree with this, I was very similar as a parent.

Please listen to those that say you are being too harsh on your children OP. You have worked in childcare, so it is completely natural to you, it is not to your DH< and you need to let him be the parent he is going to be, not another version of you.

You need to chill out a bit, your husband is not rubbish, he just does things different to you. Dads don’t usually sit and do crafts and all the long pretend games. They do the rough and tumble , silly stuff, and kids love that . It’s just as important. His son loves him so stop overthinking. I’d say back off and let them have their own thing . You don’t need to micromanage him . He doesn’t need coaching on how to be a dad .

OP you are being really controlling. Your child has two parents. Who parent differently and will complement each other.
By your own admittance - he is a good dad and your child feels loved.
Stop looking for an issue when there isn't one

Your home is your home and not a childcare setting - and your husband shouldn't be/feel assessed by you.

Maybe the tough reality is he is not a good dad. You can sense it and don’t like it as it’s fallen short of your expectations. Don’t have anymore children with him as your nagging won’t change him.

I despise imaginary play. My 4 year old knows that I’ll build Lego models with him, but I won’t then do imaginary play with it. That’s a child’s world, not mine. We still have lots of fun together. We go cycling, we go swimming, we joke around and play fight and tickle, we play board games, we bake together, do arts and crafts, we go on lots of trips together. And I’ll read with him endlessly. But I absolutely will not do imaginary play.

Are we all reading different threads? I'd be annoyed too if my spouse spent 5 mins interacting with me and my child, and then all they wanted to do was watch the TV.

I'm also surprised by the amount of people who absolutely won't engage in imaginary play. Ofc it's not thrilling, but I truly don't think it's difficult to sit down and play with some toys for 15 mins if that's what your kid is really into.

Also OP has said husband doesn't want to do anything with the son on weekends. I'm not surprised she's feeling how she is.

Oh absolutely. I agree he needs to be engaged with his child. I just don’t think that has to be imaginary play. I don’t do imaginary play but I’m very engaged with my son. When he gets home from nursery he knows we can play a board game together, make a craft, or I’ll happily sit and muck about with playdough with him at the kitchen table. There’s some imaginary play in that I suppose but it’s not the full on, down on the floor, pushing cars and little people around and making up chitter chatter. I don’t enjoy that and I’d rather fill our time together doing things my son can see I clearly enjoy and aren’t a complete chore for me.

If he doesn’t want to play a board game, do
a craft or playdough then he’ll either help me with something in the kitchen or he’ll toddle off to play by himself. I love hearing him immersed in his own world of imaginary play. It’s important that he does that because he’s an only child so he needs to be good at playing alone or be bored.

If you want your OH to be more involved in bath/bed then it is worth discussing that with him.

I suspect it is more damaging to your child for you 2 to be arguing about this than for him not to be engaged in that play.

Just an aside - children do need to learn how to amuse themselves and not always have someone playing with them.

I can't say my Dad ever played with me - at least if he did it was so unmemorable that I have forgotten it!

Different parents have different styles - it is important to accept this from the start or you will be setting yourselves up for a lot of conflict.