Feeling such grief at the thought of never having another child

[Chick981]

Not really sure what board to post this on but I am struggling so much with the decision to stick at two kids.

Logically it’s the right decision, we have a three bedroom house, a nice car but not a 7 seater, and enough money that we can afford some days out and cheap holidays without worry. I’m 38, have got my career in a good place. Youngest is 2.5 so feel like we are emerging from the trenches.

But I absolutely long for another more than anything. I get so jealous of people with three kid families. I genuinely feel so upset at the thought of not having another one. Getting rid of the baby gear is just an absolute no.

Why do I feel like this and will it pass? Have others felt this way?

I feel like an outsider in my friendship group, they’ve all known they were ‘done’ with one or two.

I know I should be (and am) absolutely grateful for having two healthy kids. I can even picture a brilliant life with two kids where we can holiday more and get a bit more independence and sleep back. But that never seems to make up for how I feel about a third.

Also I feel like grief is the wrong word and takes away from people suffering actual grief so please don’t hate me for that…. I should have said sadness instead of grief but don’t think I can edit now.

Is a third child completely off the cards? How does your partner feel?

After having DC1, I’d have felt sad at the thought of not having another. After DC2 was born, I very quickly knew we were done at 2. I’m not sure whether those feelings would have changed had we not had another.

@OopsieeDaisy It’s only off the cards in my head because of logical reasons. Partner is on the fence - he’s one of three and loved the dynamic growing up and now, but also he likes his sleep and freedom so would be quite happy not to go back to the baby years.

Despite all the logic for staying with two, I do think maybe you are meant to have three. From someone who knew they were done at two.

I desperately wanted a 3rd. Fell pregnant at a completely awful time. Relatively soon after our second (16 months old at the time) and my career was in a tricky situation with a looming school closure. We decided to continue with the pregnancy and Lord behold there were two little wigglers at the 12 week scan. I felt completely overwhelmed as I was sure 3 would complete our family and now we were facing 4.
My twins are almost a year old and my whole outlook on life has changed. I LOVE it. Couldn't imagine having less and if we had more space and money I would even consider more.
This is a totally new me and although it is incredibly hard, I wouldn't change a thing.

In my opinion, if you're questioning a 3rd you already want it!

Look at it the other way. you have two wonderful children. You have a good career and can look forward to a good life. Having babies is just a phase in life and there is much more to life as you are already beginning to realise. Would your other children benefit from another baby in the house? further more, you would be turning your younger one into a ‘middle’ which is not always a good position to be in. I write this with love as I have been where you are but we would not contemplate 3 so it would have had to have been 4. We settled on our two wonderful children and I got on with building an interesting career. And I know that our two benefitted from being just two.

I could have written your post myself. I feel a grief too. Babies are very special, and I envy larger families.
Sending solidarity.

OP, there are people who know they’re done, and people who don’t - my ex said to me that if I’d had ten children, I’d be saying, well we could just go number eleven, and he was probably right. BUT - as your children get older, they get a lot more expensive , and they start to notice what they have and what their friends have. As you have already noted, you’d need another car, and two of the DC would have to share a bedroom - and with three children, it’s always two and one. No-one can make the decision whether to have more except you and your DH, though - we can put in our two penn’orth, but you’re the one who will have to do getting up in the night, and paying to take three DC rather than two on holiday.

@Rocknrollstar You’re exactly right and that’s what I keep telling myself - I’d be having a third for me, whereas what’s best for my existing children is to stick at two. It just doesn’t take away the sadness. I’m hoping it will in time though.

I didn't get to choose my family size, fertility issues did that for me. I was absolutely devastated for a few years but while I have the odd moment when I wish I had got to have the one more I wanted I have made peace with the limits fate set on me. I try to focus on the positives - the time and resources that aren't being spread thinner.

If you’re questioning it and feel like this you want the baby.

dont try and silence your feelings, work out a way to make it work and have your baby.

When you say you feel jealous of those with 3 kid families, what exactly is it you feel they have that you don't? You say sticking at 2 is the right decision for your existing children, so I wonder what it is that's missing for you?

It may help to remember that the sadness and grief you feel is related to an imagined situation; one where I would imagine the outcomes are all positive for everyone. That may not be the reality. But as you've already acknowledged, what you currently have is positive.

I hope the sadness passes in time.

@Wellwellwellwhatsallthisthen Honestly I can’t put a finger on it other than to say I really want three kids instead of two! It just feels like the right number for me. But that is a gut feeling rather than logic and I think with something as big as this I need to follow head not heart.

Something to add, some people said to me 'what could another baby give you that your existing children can't already?'. It made sense at the time. But now I have more, the additions have given us so much more love, laughter, patience, empathy. My older two have hugely benefitted from our decision to have 'one' more which turned into twins.
They certainly wouldn't have had any disadvantage if we stuck at two but more has not hindered our family, just altered it:)

All this ^^

Plus, teenagers are expensive. The emotional roller coaster that teenagers put you through cannot be compared to just giving a toddler a kiss and a cuddle to make them feel better. Then the public exam mill of GCSEs and A levels, UCAS and the biggest financial headache of all - university top up fees.

It’s hormones. when they are teens you will be really glad you stopped at 2. You can give them more. Life is getting harder and teens and young adults need more from parents emotionally and financially than they used to. University is expensive. Friends of 3 eye roll at their own decision and are flagging at round 3 of GCSEs / teen issues whilst in peri menopause themselves.

I felt the same as you after two (and my youngest then was older) - like someone was missing and I knew/felt it was a boy and that I wouldn’t be able to feel “done” until we’d had him. Now we have three and he really has just made everything even more wonderful. Yes we’d have had a great life as we were but the dynamic as a family of five is everything I hoped it would be (even if exhausting!). And I now definitely feel done!! I think everyone maybe has their own perfect limit - could be one, two, five - where the joy/chaos balance is teetering on the max. Three is it for us! I would say go for it if you can afford it and make it work logistically.

@hotchocfiend Weirdly I feel like my missing one is a boy too. I have two boys already so I’m sure if we were to have a third everyone would think it would be for a girl! But I can just see a third boy in my mind, maybe that’s because boys are all I know though. Really glad it worked out for you, thank you for sharing.

It's hard isn't it? I have three and there are times it's wonderful and times it's so hard.

I underestimated the impact on my career, the cost of everything as they grow up, and the joy it would bring me seeing them form their own little gang.

I'd suggest taking a long hard look at your life and answering honestly whether you think you can offer a third (or third and fourth and maybe fifth) person your non negotiables. For me the downsides were inconvenient rather then deal-breakers. They may be the same for you, or they may not.

I understand how you feel. I wanted (and had) a third (then a fourth) Mine are older now. I had DC3 at 38 and DC4 at 40 when the first two were 5 and 6. I do not regret it for a minute, but only because people never do once they have got them. In reality, both DC3 and DC4 had a 1 in 4 chance of downs, DC4 was a twin, and I had a miscarriage with his sibling, and then was in hospital for weeks on end, whilst others had to be there to look after DC 1-3. Had to change car, had to change house. At times it was dreadful, especially if they were poorly (domino effect, up all night, work had to be VERY understanding or I drafted people in) There have been some marvellous times, and being one of four children is at times, brilliant, you always have an ally, adversity is fun, standards are amusingly low, you can have some great laughs. On the flipside, it is exhausting and expensive for the parents, and although mine show a bit of solidarity when the chips are down, they argue like mad, and often don't get on. University fees, learning to drive, negotiating the teenage years, the mess! are hard yards and come at a time when you may have elderly parents to deal with, whilst still working. And, however much you may think "mine won't be like that, there will be no problems here" I cannot think of a single parent of my age that has actually had this "problem free" experience. Go for it if it is your heart's desire, and there is plentiful support and money, but do take time to think what it will look like, not just today but in years to come. Wishing you luck and love in whatever you decide xx

but only because people never do once they have got them.

Oh, they do. There have been several threads on MN where posters have admitted this. It is a taboo subject, but it happens.

Or, given that the OP acknowledges the status quo would be better for the family as a whole, work on coming to terms with not having another child?

I was, and little bit still am, wanting a third. I'm eldest of 5, and 3 always seemed like a good number to have. I'm 39 now and have two children, 6 and 3. DH was the one who wanted to stop at 2. We could afford 3, but as with you it would involve buying a new house, car etc.

I can identify with you the sort of "grief", because you know each stage is the last time you'll go through it. Now your youngest has basically completed his babyhood you're subconsciously realising 'this is it' and wanting another. My youngest goes to school next year, and it's hit me that it'll be my last first day of reception, and it's a sort of bittersweet sadness that I didn't get when I sent my eldest off last year.

While I'm a bit sad this stage of my life of 'mother to small children' is coming to a close, I'm also looking forward to the opportunities and new experiences it will bring. I'm hoping to start a degree next year that I've been wanting to do since before I started having children, but couldn't due to being unable to work full time hours (NHS funded). I'm also looking forward to doing things you can only do with older children like going on the big rides at theme parks. I'm also especially looking forward to seeing what they become. I'll forever miss their baby and toddler stage (well..... maybe not my youngest's, but then nostalgia is a funny thing), but seeing them become children/teenager/adult must be something to look forward to too.

It does get better with time and acceptance.

We considered a third, but I think in terms of our personalities, energy and patience two was right for us. It was a head decision and I don't regret it.

I strongly felt with any 'next' children, I was rolling the dice for the 2 we already had. If their new sibling has significant health or educational needs, they would very probably require a lot more resource, energy and time which inevitably would have meant less for them.

Now mine are tweens, I know we made the right decision. I'm finding the increasing emotional load, which has replaced the (IMO) much easier physical load of small children, quite hard at times. My patience is pushed daily, even though mine are generally good boys and a delight!

@Jammington Rolling the dice is exactly how it feels and I can’t logically bring myself to take the gamble even though it’s what my heart wants.

@Dyra That’s exactly how I feel. Very sad that the mum of small children phase is coming to and end because I’ve loved it. But also know that if I can get past the sadness then there is a lot to be excited about. I’ve always loved to travel and if we don’t have a third then there is much more likelihood of us being able to afford to take our kids on exciting adventures. I’m 40 in a couple of years and would love to do a birthday trip somewhere, that doesn’t fit with having another baby. I guess I’m just also scared that I’ll get to 50 and regret either decision!