Have I royally mucked up on behalf of my daughter or is this OCD/anxiety?

[Lalalandy]

Hi everyone. I posted this on baby names but I think was misunderstood and is more about my fear that I’ve made a huge parenting fail. I feel dizzy, nauseous and hugely anxious with it. It’s an overreaction for sure, (and a hugely bizarrely delayed one) but I’d love any words of advice or support.

Backstory - my husband didn’t like any of my names for our daughter. He suggested one which I said was extremely close to my middle name, I questioned whether it was too close to my middle name (basically an extremely close variant)… long story short, I thought ‘well, I love it, I barely think of my middle name and it’s different’. Fast forward to last wkd (years later!!!) where someone discovered my middle name and said ‘how cute’ - basically thinking it was like a namesake for my daughter. I nearly doubled over as it just hasn’t really ever crossed my mind. I’ve felt sick ever since.

This is not to criticise honour names or the like, which can be lovely, but purely so unintentional and not ‘me’.

I don’t care what others think but I hugely care that my daughter will hate this when she’s older. I feel I’ve failed in giving her a truly individual name. My daughter also so happens to be fiercely independent and a real character, which makes me worry even more. Like she'll have a constant reminder of me 😫

It’s like the below:

Me: Laura Anne Williams
Daughter: Anna Florence Williams

So do I need to go and change my middle name, or arrange some therapy (not saying that in jest, I’m a mess and have had CBT before)? I’ve had severe anxiety/pure o at points in my life, so feel this could also be that (hoping) x

I’m sorry you feel this way. The name is a none issue. You need more support with your mental health.

It's absolutely fine, you've done nothing at all wrong. Don't worry about it another second.

Your self-esteem is pretty low, isn't it? If it's a fairly generic name I wouldn't give it any more head space. She's individual because you give her the space to be and that's what she's going to remember as she grows up.

This isn’t about the name. I don’t know what it’s about but I’m confident the name is a red herring. The name is fine and it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.

Do you often get fixated on things like this (the name). I do sometimes so I think I recognise the behaviour a bit. Like if I can ‘fix’ something everything will be ok. But it’s like a distraction from what’s really going on.

This is absolutely fine OP. It's your anxiety that is the problem here.

I agree. This isn't anything to do with the name, you need to get appropriate help to deal with the real issue which is your anxiety.

This is a non-issue. Please get some help for your mental health.

Definitely your anxiety/OCD, this is not an issue at all. As you were told, I might think it cute if I somehow found out the link. But absolutely no negative thoughts associated with that.

I know of a mum and daughter with anagram first names and I like it - that wasn't the reason it was chosen either, just a nice link.

Thanks so much everyone, so so kind. Indeed, I basically get entirely fixated. And low self esteem. It’s Louise as my middle name and Louisa as her first name. I just feel sick and she’s 4 now and so clearly I wouldn’t dream of changing her but I have been trying to ‘fix it’, like looking to see if I can change my middle name (which would obviously be totally crazy!).

I’m just so scared I’ve failed her and she’ll hate me as a teenager/adult for it!

Yes this is definitely catastrophising from your mental health issues. There isn’t another issue here that I can see. Fair play to you for testing it out rather than continuing to see that as the problem.

It’s absolutely fine op, if your dd asks one day you can simply say no, it wasn’t on purpose but isn’t it nice anyway!

I think the real issue is why you think dd won’t want to be reminded of you, or why you feel like you’re failing her anyway.

Something that helps me is imagining it is true. For example I did name dd after me and she doesn’t like it. What happens then, is it a failure? Does it outweigh my other parenting? Does it ruin dds life? And it helps me rationalise the actual severity of the issue.

I’m so sorry you’re suffering like this. Anxiety is truly awful.

The name is in no way an issue. Be kind to yourself and try and get some help. think it can be hard to see it as being unwell. But that’s what it is. In my experience, if it wasn’t the name, your mind would have found something else to fixate on.

There are many reasons why she might hate you as a teenager - most teenagers hate their parents! But her name is unlikely to be one of them. And she can always ask to be known as something else.

You’ve given her a beautiful name. Why would she hate you for that? I’m not even sure my kids have any idea what my middle name is!

Why would she hate you though? My name is the feminine version of my Dad's. I asked my parents if I was named after him (quite liking this idea) and they said they never even realised 😂 it's literally his name with an ee sound on the end haha

Theres nothing wrong in giving her a first name very like your middle name. She might love it. She might hate it. She might do as I did with my name, and just really hate my named when younger them find as I’ve grown older how much I like it and how it suits me:

But OCD is bugger. And you’ve probably been turning this over and over in your head worrying about the name, and trying to find an answer for what is really not a problem (but you aren’t seeing it that way at the moment) in the effort to soothe your anxiety. Be reassured that there’s nothing wrong with your daughter’s name being close to yours - as you said you and husband like it - but for your own peace of mind it’s time to get therapy for the OCD. For some people (Me) OCD can recur during life’s stressful times so go and get some help and make your life the happier for it.

How often are you using your middle name? Very infrequently and i’d imagine people only know if you have Louise as a middle name if you tell them. You’re massively over thinking it. So what if people think she was named after you anyway, it’s a pretty normal thing to do, and you can just say no it was just a name we liked, she wasn’t named after me.

Thank you to each and one of you lovely people for your replies. I’m going to look into CBT again later, as everything you say makes sense and I can tell I’m not being rational x

It’s absolutely fine OP. DS has DH’s middle name as his first name as we were short on inspiration when he was born. No-one really comments on it and I definitely don’t think either DH or he needs to change his name. Maybe getting some help to identify the bigger issue here might be a good idea.

The name isn't an issue OP and I can guarantee she won't resent you or even know it's an issue. We have a lot of similar and same names throughout my family and it's never been an issue for anyone, in fact I like the fact we've all got family names somewhere.

I really empathise with anxiety and this is the issue here. If it wasn't her name, it would be something else you'd be fixated on. I really hope you can get support for this.

Girl if you're anywhere near my age EVERY OTHER WOMAN has the middle names Louise, Marie or Jane. My sister's is Louise and mine is Jane. Every woman I know with my very common first name has the middle name Jane or Louise. It's wildly common.

My mum's middle name is also Jane and honestly I've never even given it a second thought and it has affected my life in zero ways. Middle names are rarely used for anything-
I don't think my 9 year old niece even knows what my sister's middle name is.

Also Also, Louisa is a lovely name and to my ears is distinct from Louise.

It's the anxiety speaking. There is nothing wrong with her name/your name. I share a middle name with my mum. As an adult, I can't remember the last time someone asked for my middle name. My husband and ds share a middle name. I like that.

You need to arrange some therapy.
Everyone on the last thread said the same thing.
The name thing is a complete non issue.
You need to see your GP about your mental health.

OP, I just want to give you a hug.

It's horrible when you start getting these thoughts, isn't it? But, it really is just your anxiety talking here, nobody will even think twice about it and if your DD asks about her name then you just tell her why she has it!

I hope you get some help for your anxiety soon, it must be exhausting for you.