Have I royally mucked up on behalf of my daughter or is this OCD/anxiety?

[Lalalandy]

Hi everyone. I posted this on baby names but I think was misunderstood and is more about my fear that I’ve made a huge parenting fail. I feel dizzy, nauseous and hugely anxious with it. It’s an overreaction for sure, (and a hugely bizarrely delayed one) but I’d love any words of advice or support.

Backstory - my husband didn’t like any of my names for our daughter. He suggested one which I said was extremely close to my middle name, I questioned whether it was too close to my middle name (basically an extremely close variant)… long story short, I thought ‘well, I love it, I barely think of my middle name and it’s different’. Fast forward to last wkd (years later!!!) where someone discovered my middle name and said ‘how cute’ - basically thinking it was like a namesake for my daughter. I nearly doubled over as it just hasn’t really ever crossed my mind. I’ve felt sick ever since.

This is not to criticise honour names or the like, which can be lovely, but purely so unintentional and not ‘me’.

I don’t care what others think but I hugely care that my daughter will hate this when she’s older. I feel I’ve failed in giving her a truly individual name. My daughter also so happens to be fiercely independent and a real character, which makes me worry even more. Like she'll have a constant reminder of me 😫

It’s like the below:

Me: Laura Anne Williams
Daughter: Anna Florence Williams

So do I need to go and change my middle name, or arrange some therapy (not saying that in jest, I’m a mess and have had CBT before)? I’ve had severe anxiety/pure o at points in my life, so feel this could also be that (hoping) x

You definitely need to go back into therapy, and maybe some medication. It really helps, as someone with severe anxiety in my past.

I have the exact same middle name as my mum. I don't think anything about it, other than mildy wondering why my parents didn't choose something more interesting (it's Jane). But middle names are fairly nothingy, no-one ever uses them. It's a complete non-issue.

My name is a variant of my mum's middle name but it's coincidental. Am not even sure if it ever occurred to her to be honest, it was just the only name the family could agree on. My sister's is the feminine of my dad's, again, coincidentally, as it was a name my mum had liked for many years.

I would have been peeved if my mum had done what she once suggested, given me a version of her first name. So, in your case, she was called Louise and me Louisa. But a version of her middle name doesn't bother me at all.

The most positive aspect of this is that you recognise your thinking as being unusual. You are asking the question. This is the exact time to get some help before you lose sight of that. I feel for you. I have been there too

Yep ☝️

I agree with others that this isn’t about the name, it’s about your mental health. But just in case it’s any reassurance, I have a variation of my mums middle name as my first name. She’s my best friend and I love that connection to her!

I would never ever even make the connection that the two are related unless it was the same exact name used. For example, my DD13 has a second name VERY similar sounding to my DD10’s first name (think Sara and Zara) but it’s just because I like the sound of them and nobody has ever mentioned the similarity in sound.

This is a huge non-issue. My DD’s name is a variant of my middle name, which also happens to be the middle name of my great grandmother. She uses a shortened form anyway, and my middle name is never used for anything except official documents. The name suits her and she has no objections at all.

Out of all my friends and indeed everyone ive ever known, I only know two middle names. My mums and my pals. Dont know anyone else’s. Nobody uses them.

Have a think. How many do you know? Pals, parents, colleagues, the woman in the yoga class you go to or your dog walker or neighbour or whatever.

I bet it’s hardly any. So it’s not important. Many people are named after their parents first name and nobody minds that. So it’s ok and you can stop worrying.

OP, it’s totally fine, my mum, my sister and I have the same thing between us (my mum and I have the same middle name spelled differently and my sister has a variant for her first name) and literally nobody has ever noticed or thought it odd. I don’t think my mum even did it on purpose

I was born in late 80s and I swear at least half of the girls I know had Louise as a middle name! I have Louise and my sister has Jane as middle names

Same! My best childhood friend has my first name as a middle name too. My other best friend has Rosa which I thought was wildly exotic!

I get it @Lalalandy we wanted to give our children individual names, mine was very common for my era and there were three in my class. I'm 8 weeks post partum and I've had appointments in this time with 4 different medical professionals with my name in this time!
I ruled out one of the names I really liked for my daughter as it is the female equivalent of my dad's name and a name for my son because it was the male equivalent of my mum's middle name.
I think I would be momentarily slightly upset if I gave a name that I hadn't realised was similar especially if someone pointed it out just because I took time and care to pick a name that they could own. However, I think this feeling would be fleeting and then I'd move on and go back to enjoying both of our names. So I don't think you are unreasonable in feeling a little off with not having made the connection and not liking the similarities but wanting to then change your name that's where it's the getting into the territory of needing someone to talk through these feelings with.

I could be wrong but I’m sure this exact thing was posted more recently. If it was you it sounds like your anxiety has escalated despite being reassured on the previous thread. If you feel like you are spiralling a bit then please get some help.

I’ve found citalopram is amazing for OCD-type issues. Might be worth a try OP. I also think it’s very sweet that you and your daughter share a similar name. Could you reframe it as a lovely thing that you have in common? I know a family where all the boys for several generations have been called a variation of William and nobody bats an eyelid, it’s a family tradition. Hope you feel better soon

This is entirely your OCD talking. FWIW I have the same first name as one of my Mum's middle names and I barely even registered it as a fact when I was growing up. Children are self centred and my mum was 'mum' to me so her middle names didn't feature in my consciousness! Now she's gone I like the fact that we share a name even though it wasn't even intentional - it was my dad's choice and he just liked the name. Relax, literally nobody will care about this, least of all her, and she might even appreciate it.

I agree my postnatal depression manifested as severe health anxiety and citalopram was a life saver. Worked very quickly (well once doctors finally managed to convince me to try it! My only regret was suffering unnecessarily for a year)

I am in my 40s and this thread has made me realise that my parents did the exact same with me. As in your original example, my name is actually Anna and my mother’s middle name is Anne. I have never ever thought anything of it AT ALL and it has never occurred to me to link the two. So honestly you are massively overthinking this, your daughter will not hate you.

I only noticed recently that an acquaintance named her daughter with a diminutive of her own name - and these are both first names, not a middle name being used. Didn’t think any more about it. Your daughter may be interested in your choice when older, but hating is unlikely - I felt that my mother was deprived when I realised as a child she only had a first name, not a middle one, but she was supremely unbothered by it and I didn’t take it any further. I could have quizzed my grandparents but children accept that what is normal in their home is normal. Teenagers can find all kinds of reasons to ‘hate’ their parents - I doubt if it would be this she would hang on to during a phase. Besides, Louisa is a beautiful name 🙂

I’m sorry you are feeling this way but it is absolutely nothing to do with the name or your daughter. This is your anxiety fixating on what is in reality a non issue. Please seek help via your GP for your mental health.

OP you need major input for your mental health. I’m not sure 12 sessions of CBT will cut it. You must try to get your anxiety under control for the sake of your DD. Do you have diagnosed GAD/OCD?

Hey OP -just adding to the cacophony here saying - the name is not a problem and won’t be something your daughter or anyone rational would judge you or hate you for !!

it’s clearly your anxiety twisting you in knots !!
anxiety is a bully and is torturing you about the name, if it wasn’t that, it would bully you about something else -
have you tried medication ? An SSRI at a decent dose ??
and got a proper assessment / diagnosis??
if u have the appropriate diagnosis - you are more likely to access the right treatment - otherwise it could be like stabbing in the dark !
e.g. the treatment for OCD is different to the treatment for generalised anxiety disorder (GAD)

You're going to get the same responses here as you did on the baby name thread because it is a complete non issue.

You're letting anxiety rule your thoughts here, it's easily done but it sounds like it's getting a bit out of hand. Are you getting some help for it?

She’s four! Four and you have decided on her behalf that she will not like having a name that is similar to the middle name of her own mother.

I’ve got my granny’s name as my middle name and my sister and my own dd have my mum’s name. All of us are feisty and independent and all of us like having the name connections.

You are really putting yourself down, and your relationship with with your dd, by thinking that she will not like it.

OP’s not thinking rationally - her anxiety is running her ragged

I don’t think this is a helpful response. I agree that this is about OP’s mental health and not the name and she recognises tgat too if you read her responses on this thread.

But I don’t think you (or I) via the internet can or should comment on how easily this will be overcome. If anything your comment seems likely to increase her anxiety rather than help.