7 year old tantrums are unbearable

[Parentinneed33]

I need some support - I am at my wits end.

My 7-year-old DD is funny, confident, friendly and well behaved. She has no problems at school and her daytime behaviour is excellent. However, bedtime has become increasingly problematic over the past few months and has escalated to a level that is now unmanageable and sometimes frightening.

Last night she had one of her worst episodes. When bedtime was mentioned she became extremely distressed and had a tantrum that lasted around two hours. During the episode she:

• Destroyed her bedroom (drew on her door, smashed a lamp, scattered toys),
• Threw items and physically hurt both her father and me.
• Screamed abuse and name-calling at us repeatedly.

At the end of the episode I burst out crying (couldn’t help it) as did she, before finally calming down. We were extremely shaken.

Over the years, we have tried every single routine/strategy we can think of: a consistent bedtime routine, no screens, calm and predictable approach, sitting with her until she falls asleep, setting clear boundaries and consequences. None of these have prevented the meltdowns. We have also tried asking her to go to her room and, in desperation, briefly closing the door in the past - which made things much worse. She can scream and rage for hours; we cannot safely lock her in a room and removing privileges seems to have very limited effect because she has very few things left to remove. She doesn’t really watch TV outwith weekends, she doesn’t have a phone/Ipad. Today I am cancelling a party she was due to go to tonight because of her behaviour, she will be upset by this but honestly I’m not sure it will leave a lasting impression?

We are utterly exhausted and finding it increasingly difficult to cope. I’ve been awake all night, completely wired from the stress of it all. We have a meeting arranged with a child therapist next week, which I’m grateful for. I realise that neurodiversity will likely be mentioned, and while I’m not dismissing that possibility, I find it hard to understand because these behaviours only ever appear at bedtime, the rest of the time she’s a happy, well-regulated child.

What I would really like to know is if anyone else’s child has been like this at 7 and has grown out of it? I’m so worried for her teenage years if she’s like this now!!

It was only a suggestion and I understand ehat you mean but it doesn’t seem like what you’re doing is working?

I doubt she would want to be in your room long term anyway. Once you’ve got calm bedtimes, she’s more settled and recovered a little, you could talk to her about moving back into her room

We've had to do this at times and often on holiday/strange environments. Still have to away from home sometimes.

This.

Youve done punishments and they aren’t working.Try rewards instead.If she settles with you in your bed put a bed for her in your room. You can’t force her to do as you want. She isn’t complying.

I'm afraid my non neurotypical child took until well into her 12th year until she could manage falling asleep by herself, and from our experiences of other, similar children, it's not unusual.

But parents don't talk about it because of the deluge of "helpful" advice (with a side of judgement).

He sounds a very troubled child. The parents should be supporting him at bedtime.

Its very unusual for a 6 year old to be withdrawn from school due to behaviour. It would indicate there is much much more going on.

6 is very young. I wouldn’t go to bed at that age because of fear of being on my own. Even though l shared a room with my sister. It was anxiety not attention seeking.

l went on to suffer anxiety all my adult life.

I do believe we need to stop labelling every child that struggles to go to bed, plays up or acts differently to what is deemed ‘the norm’ and yes, I agree that at 6 years old a lot of children find bedtime hard. I used to have horrendous tantrums when I was younger, in fact my mum says my DD reminds her a lot of me! It was the 80s though and I think I was just locked in my room haha! My DD is so strong willed, confident, outgoing and a little wild, personality traits I think are amazing but also difficult to have an argument with!!

These parents sound like they are trying their best and kindly @Bluffinwithmymuffin you do sound a bit judgemental, otherwise you wouldn’t mention all the other aspects of their life. It sounds like you are almost blaming them for working too much etc.
I completely agree we are giving too much time and attention to bedtime… hence the frantic 5am MN post! Thank you for your input though.

I don't really like the idea of "earning back" lost privileges. She lost it for a reason and allowing her to go if she behaves all day is basically teaching her that she can act in that way at night and as long as she behaves the next morning, she won't face any consequences.

This is why instant consequences work better. Just something to keep in mind.

@Parentinneed33
Well I mentioned the other aspects of their life because I think some of it’s relevant - and of course I do actually know them, not just what ‘they sound like.’ I’m certainly not blaming them for working too much though, or even saying that they do work too much.

You asked for advice about your problem with your DD at bedtime, and I tried to say you may be focusing too much attention on the whole bedtime thing, and your own very natural anxiety about the situation isn’t helping, which you seem to agree with. I also agreed with posters who said there should be more time between DD coming in from her clubs and being put to bed, so she has a chance to wind down and relax. I haven’t used any labels either, but when kids kick off to this extent they’re usually very stressed, and in the B6 case I mentioned, a lot of anxiety seems to be attached to the sheer amount of stuff and stimuli around him 24/7, and to him being always the centre of attention.

Anyway, good luck to you and your DD.

Haven’t read the whole thread but we’ve noticed a change in our 7 year old DDs bedtime recently. She used to go to sleep around 7ish but now it’s more like 8:30.
Definitely see if a later bedtime helps

When the whole family is exhausted and upset is really not the time for "consequences". There are plenty of natural consequences - everyone is upset and exhausted.

"The Explosive Child" has already been recommended up thread but I wanted to add a really useful book I have read and returned to many times: Jeffrey Bernstein's '10 Days to a Less Defiant Child'. It is very humane and helps you understand how anxiety can create problem behaviours and gives lots of practical advice about what to do (Explosive Child is a bit light on practical advice, although I've heard the website is better).

He says "children do well if they can."

clubs until 7 pm every day sound exhausting. I might try to pull some of that back, give her quiet time at home and rest, aim for bedtime between 7-7:30, a snuggle and a warm drink. Maybe she feels lots of pressure to perform, is a bit wired from the clubs and can’t calm down.

My oldest (7) also doesn’t have any neurodiversity but becomes a feral banshee when exhausted or hungry (hangry).

Same

it’s like say no

no means no

doesnt mean carry on whining at me and I will give in and say yes

the fact she said if I’m good can I go , means she knows what she did isn’t acceptable

For comparison my 7 year old stays up with me until 9 then goes to bed on week days. If I sent him up earlier he would not be tired and we would be faced with a whole load of mischief, messing around and tantrums. This is later than some of his friends but works for us. He’s asleep by 9.30 and no issues getting up in the morning

that time is either spent watching something appropriate on tv with us or drawing, playing, puzzles, homework etc

on a weekend he goes up earlier but to watch tv in bed

he does 3 clubs a week. The latest is on until 8pm so he generally has a slightly later bedtime on these nights as has time to get home, get a shower and wind down