Child spat on my child at school - I’m friends with the mum

[bananasinabowl]

What would you do in my situation?
this child seems to be targeting my child for some reason. We’ve had play dates, even shared a party. But this child keeps putting my child down and school have taken action. He spat on him too.
Mum keeps reaching out to me and trying to be “friends”. She’s trying to get the boys just to be friends but it’s not working and I’m starting to think she says stuff at home to make her child target my child. Do I just ignore her now? Back off? That’s what I want to do. Not sure how to deal with this though.

Keep your DC away from the spitter. Complain every time he does it.

I doubt she's saying stuff ti encourage her child to target yours. She'd have to be an absolutely crazy person with a sadistic streak! I'm assuming she doesn't seem that way or you wouldn't be her friend.

Agree with pp; complain to the school every time he bothers or spits on your son. Don't have anymore play dates with him.

I know some parents like to try and get the kids together to help them become friends, but i tend to think that if they don't get on, maybe just keep them apart after a certain point.

I don't think she's trying to target your child.

Absolutely everytime something happens at school, make a formal complaint. Eventually you'll need to ask that they are seperated or something done if it continues.

I would just respond to her that "I'm not sure that playdates etc are in the best intereat of DS, given the continuing issues"

And stick to that narrative. She needs to parent her kids not force play dates

How old are your children?

If she asks for a play date I’d just say ‘no thanks, they don’t seem to be getting along at the moment’ every time she asks. Does you son still want to play with him?

I saw her this morning and she tried to act all nice and friendly but I just kept it short. Her child got told last week to keep away from my child and to not speak to him unless he can be a good friend. I’m not sure if her child or the school told her as she was totally acting normal today and I would have been embarassed. My child has had no issues with any other child.

They are both 7. No my child does not want to be his friend, he didn’t want to go to school because of him.

I looked away this morning when she made eye contact which is really childish and petty but I’m not sure why she thinks I want our children or us to be friendly when her child is making my child miserable.

Why are you so angry with the mum? She didn't do anything as far as I can see

You don't have to be her friend if you don't want to, but I find it quite extreme to be rude to her.

But how do I behave then? She’s acting oblivious to her child causing problems for my child. Everytime I mention anything about my child - she says I wish my child was like that or liked that. Everytime we talk, she wants to arrange a play date or say, my child is doing this, why doesn’t my child join in?
Yes her intentions are well but her child is making my child miserable. How can you be so oblivious to it ?!

If you are friendly with the mum either talk about it or dont. Being weird with the mum is really immature.

I expect she is mortified and trying to check you dont hate her because of her kid misbehaving.

Say no to play dates, just say your son isn’t keen and keep reporting spitting incidents to the teacher. Be polite but distant. Smile and wave. She’ll get the message.

No need for blanking, dirty looks or anything silly, they are only 7 and might well be best friends again next month!

Why do I need to care about the mums feelings? I don’t understand?
what about my child feelings?
ive put my child feelings aside as the mums been wanting play dates to get them to be friends - but since they’ve gone back to school, the bullying has ramped up causing my child anxiety and not wanting to go.
All I am teaching my child is this is “how friends behave”. Her child hit him and my child told the mum and she did nothing. I told him not to hit my child and he started crying. I’ve had enough.

It isn't about the mothers feelings... it's about you being a grown up and saying "Hey, let's not do play dates because your kid can't be nice to mine"

She may well not know the full extent, or she might be absolutely mortified. But you are an adult... don't be childish and ignore her. That won't fix the problem.

You’ve said you’re friends with the mum, have you spoken to her directly about the issues?
maybe ask her why she’s so keen for them to be friends when her child keeps hurting yours?

you don’t need to be weird or rude to her. Why do you think she would be encouraging her child to target yours if she wants them to be friends? It doesn’t make sense.

I really don’t think she’s actively encouraging her son to be unkind to yours. Much more likely she’s mortified and is pushing the playdates because she wants her DS to have a chance to redeem himself by playing nicely and is hoping the boys make up. Decline the playdate on the basis of the boys aren’t getting along at the moment but there’s really no need to be rude to her.

She hasn’t brought her child up not to spit on people?

Being polite to the other Mum won’t hurt your child’s feelings. You taking your child to a play date with a child who was bullying your child was probbaly ill advised but it was your choice to go. I can see why you and the other Mum thought it would have been helpful but if it wasn’t then you cpuld have ended it.

We are not really friends. We just have had play dates. We don’t speak outside this or have met up as individuals. She instigated all the play dates etc.

I don’t think she’s telling her child to target my child per se but I don’t think she’s helping the situation. Eg, my child was tidying up, she called her child over saying see he tidies up, why can’t you be like him…my child likes Lego, she responded with I wish my child liked Lego. There’s an elements of competitiveness to her that’s I find it hard to explain and I’m starting to think she’s indirectly causing her child to hate mine as she mentions “how good my child is”. Her child also hates another child in the class, and ironically that child is also a child of another closer mum friend she has. She only talks to me and this other mum and her kid dislikes both of our children.
Which is why I’ve jumped to that conclusion. Obviously I could be wrong .

Exactly. It’s absolutely disgusting and I let it slide and I should have ended the friendship there.

In fairness, your post title says "I'm friends with the mum"

Honestly just be a grown up and decline the invites and say her kids behaviour isn't great and you won't be putting your child in that position. It's up to her what she does with that

Yes because she comes up to me in school events and sits next to me at parties etc. My point is how I avoid her now so my child can avoid her child?
If she sits next to me at a party, they allows her child to me near mine.
I shouldn’t have ignored her this morning but after the school and headteacher getting involved this week, I got annoyed she had a nerve to be all happy smiley towards me when I would have been mortified and embarrassed and apologetic. Fair enough if they school haven’t told her, but guarantee her child has gone home and told them and made out my child to be a liar - which he has done before.

Act like the adults and when she talks to you to get the boys together say no, I'm not interested to try and force a friendship when your son spits on mine.

I also believe at age 7, parents need to be held slightly accountable for their child being a bully, especially a spitter. Fair enough teenagers, but where has he learned bullying behaviour from at Primary age? They are so young. As none of the children including my child in their class would behave the way he does. Or am I being deluded? As my child is generally lovely and we’ve never had phone calls or parents saying he’s been unkind.

The school should definitely have spoken to her if they've had to reprimand her child for spitting. I think I'd stay civil at pick up times but next time she tried to organise something I'd be honest. "MyDC won't want to do that as YourDC is being quite unkind to them at school."
and if she gets offended, tough titties 🤷🏼‍♀️

@bananasinabowl

In terms of the spitting, did you see it happen - or did your child tell you about the spitting?
From working in a school - I’ve never seen a child actually ‘spit’, but what I do see is children blowing raspberries.

Sometimes it’s a game, it’s mostly just silliness - I tell them to stop.
It’s not really malicious like an adults interpretation of ‘spit’.

Word of advice as a primary school teacher (I teach P2 and I've two kids myself) is to not fall out with parents due to their children's silly behaviour. Kids are extremely fickle and they are still very much learning how to play at this age. Parents get themselves really worked up about these things and the kids are friends again by lunchtime. It makes life so awkward especially going forward with birthday parties, school events etc. The mum seems like she is being overly friendly to make up for her son's behaviour and wants to be friends. As an adult if someone spat in your face you would be horrified however kids at this age are mean to eachother all the time. Every lunchtime my assistants have a list of names and friendship groups where the children have done x, y and z. Don't get me wrong, there are so many lovely gentle children but lots of boisterous, reactive and challenging children too. They are still so young. Obviously it's more of an issue as they get older as they should become better at recognising and controlling their behaviour. Stop the playdates if you think they are being detrimental to your child and encourage him to play with others but not speaking to the mum is unkind and childish. You don't need to be good friends but if it was me I would try to be polite and friendly when I see her.

The mum literally telling the child “Look at X and Y’a good behaviour” was never going to help a friendship blossom.

If she asks be direct and say that the kids don’t get along or that her son doesn’t like my son since he spits on him. Hopefully she will get the hint. By being polite, she could be thinking that the school is not overreacting or exaggerating because who in their right mind encourages a friendship with a child who is nasty to theirs? The boys should leave each other alone and you should help that by leaving the mum alone too.