Child spat on my child at school - I’m friends with the mum

[bananasinabowl]

What would you do in my situation?
this child seems to be targeting my child for some reason. We’ve had play dates, even shared a party. But this child keeps putting my child down and school have taken action. He spat on him too.
Mum keeps reaching out to me and trying to be “friends”. She’s trying to get the boys just to be friends but it’s not working and I’m starting to think she says stuff at home to make her child target my child. Do I just ignore her now? Back off? That’s what I want to do. Not sure how to deal with this though.

He physically spat at him, the teacher saw it. It was on his face. He didn’t deny it. My child wouldn’t really know what to say if it wasn’t actually spitting as in it’s never happened before. He knows what blowing bubbles and raspberries are. The parents were called and we were informed.

Has anyone - either you or the school, actually told this mum what has been happening? It isn't clear from your post.

They got told their child spat on my child last year.
This past weeks behaviour…. I am not sure? My child got sat down with the teacher and head teacher as did he. He got told to basically stay away from my child. I assumed they would phone his parents and tell them?

It's fine to not be her friend, to not have play dates with her, to think she isn't a particularly nice person or good parent, but don't start being aggressive and rude to other parents in the playground. There's a clear line between a normal, protective mum who can keep a calm and composed attitude and then throwing dirty looks and blanking people. It just escalates from there and becomes awkward - I've seen it happen in my kids' school and also in the ones I've worked in. Next step up is that really rough mum who tries to start a punch up outside school. Not classy.

It's normal to feel protective, but my policy with my own kids is never address it with the other parents in the playground - always go through the school.

One of my dcs was picked on by another girl, at about that age and yes, I was pretty angry with the other girl and did think there must be something up at home (I was absolutely right as it turned out). But I didn't start throwing dirty looks at the parents and making a big deal out of it in front of the whole school.. which is just as well since the girls are friends again now. I just complained to the school instead.

She's likely worried about her son's behaviour and concerned he won't have friends. It's not necessarily her fault that he is like this. If your son doesn't like him - he's old enough to know his mind - just say you are sorry but your son doesn't want to be friends at the moment. You don't need to get into details. She won't be happy I imagine, but that doesn't mean you need to go along with her requests.

Another one who thinks that you should be polite to her when you see her and if when she brings up play dates , tell her the truth and your son doesn't want to play with hers any more because of spitting etc so you think they're better off kept apart. No biggie

While it’s great your own child is such an angel I do feel a bit sorry for the other mum.

you are kind of assuming poor parenting or other issues at home which may not actually be true at all. And think that she should be “held accountable”

none of us are perfect parents and children sometimes do unexpected things we aren’t happy with.

just don’t go on play dates and keep a distance. Speak to the school about any continuing issues

From your post it sounds like this mum is holding up your child as an example to her own of what he should be and the kid doesnt like that so takes it out on your wee one. Feels threatened that his mum prefers your son and deals with the big emotions in the only way he knows.
She needs to stop the comparison and appreciate her kid for what he is.
Forced or arranged friendships never work.

Please don’t be that Mother at the school gate blanking other Mums without them knowing what the problem is ! Have an adult chat with her ,away from the school gate in a friendly civilised manner.
We cannot be held personally responsible for our children’s bad behaviour unless that behaviour has been encouraged or ignored. The Mum is probably mortified if she has been made aware but doesn’t know how to broach the situation with you because you are possibly giving off unfriendly vibes .
So glad my children are adults now!
Edited to say I agree with @Bonbon21

I totally understand why you're upset about this and obviously don't want her child near yours. I wouldn't be actively hostile to her though, it won't get you anywhere or help your child. I'd go with a cool, calm "I don't think we should have playdates until your child can be kind to mine, at the moment he's making my child unhappy because of his behaviour". If she asks, be specific and stick to the facts. Don't lose your temper, it won't help. Ultimately, it isn't actually her fault as such, children make mistakes/do stupid things and they all are born with their own personalities. Being horrible to her just makes you seem a bit unreasonable. Personally, if you get on and are both mature I'd actively reach out with "this is awkward, I'm not sure how much school have told you but your child's behaviour towards mine has been unacceptable, maybe you could discuss it with them because there's been hitting/spitting/targeting and it's meant they've been told to stay away from my child". If she brushes it off then yes she's the problem, in my experience with similar most parents are mortified, apologise and go home for a chat with their child! It sounds like you're annoyed at her, without knowing what she is/isn't aware of, or what conversations she's actually having at home.

Even if she is rubbish at holding her child to account, just take the high road and be grown up about it, obviously refuse to have any playdates and don't be her bestie etc but don't blank her/be rude or similar because it just is very immature. Be calm , civil, honest/factual and mature. A playground war over this won't be to anyone's benefit.

Just on one of your replies ‘my son did x y z and she said to her son “ see he does that why can’t you” that right there is your answer - her son has heard her say this and in this little boys head he’s thinking my mum likes this kid more than me and he’s making it well know, that’s not his fault he’s being told (maybe in the home) why aren’t you like little Tommy why aren’t you x y z - these things will be heavy on a seven year old he may also be SEN and struggling with his feelings - keep your cool and address the situation head on - and if you hear her say the above say something along the lines of ‘ he doesn’t need to be like Tommy because hes his own person and im sure there’s lots of things he’s good at etc I know it’s hard when it’s your kid taking the flack but there appears to be more here.

I would stop meeting for play dates and phase her out. When she asks why, I would just be honest.

Hopefully school can help get this behaviour sorted x

How old are you OP?

Yes fair enough take a firm stance but you also need to model how to be kind. Two separate issues: (1) how her child behaves - yes keep separate, yes be firm; (2) you interactions with the mother: yes be distant & no playdates and not chummy, yes be polite, smile, say hello but don’t linger. No need to be rude. Her son sounds like an unpleasant handful and no doubt mum’s parenting may contribute to that (who knows), you are right to stand firm. But there may come a time when yr little angel is unpleasant (maybe as a teenager?) and you’ll be grateful for kindness then, even if people keep a distance. It really is a village, although some people only remember that when they themselves need it to be a village.

”I’m starting to think she says stuff at home to make her child target my child”

This is an extremely odd assumption

I really wouldn't make this many assumptions about what exactly happened and what the school has shared with the other mother. These situations are often very fluid and the school often employs euphemisms either side, because they do not want to deal with defensive or angry parents. We have had incidents like this over the years and have involved only school, not the parents. Another mother did once approach me to say her child was upset with my child, we had a nice play date and I found an opportunity to talk my child in front of the other child and her mother, about the importance of other people's feelings, disagreeing nicely etc. That worked, but I really like the other mother and was completely open about wanting to help her, also the behaviour in question was more generic "feelings hurt".

But you said you “weren’t really” friends with the mum. I find your narrative confusing. Yes back your son and don’t go to playdates and keep on top of it with teachers. But really REALLY stop the witch-hunt of the mum.

Do you only have the one child? It certainly sounds like it. I cannot believe you hold the parents responsible because the child behaves in a poor manner, while spouting “my child would never do this, that and the other”. I hope you never have to eat your words. You actually have no idea what your child could be capable of
when your backs turned. We all hope that our children behave in a certain fashion unfortunately that’s not always the case. You shouldn’t be ignoring and blaming the mother, you should be feeling slightly sorry for her and thankful that you’re not in that position. As parents we can only give it our best shot and pray not every other mother is like you. I have multiple children and one of mine was real hard work. The others were easy to take care. I would hate to think I people were blaming me. When as parents we were doing our best.

The mum probably is embarrassed inside. You don’t know what goes on at home. She might be saying “why can’t you be like OP’s son” if she’s struggling at home. Why not actually approach her rather than blank her, and tell her what’s been happening( although if the school are in anyway decent then she already knows) and ask her why her son has a problem with your son.

He came home today and started crying saying he doesn’t want to go to school as the child is mean to him.
I am not sure what to do.
He said he said he can’t join in or play with him and the friend who my child likes playing with.
Part of me thinks he needs to toughen up but there’s only 6 boys altogether in his class so not sure what the solution is.

I’d put it to her that you are nurturing your son’s self-confidence and that encouraging him to try and be friends with someone who is actively bullying him at the moment would undermine this. Let her know that of course you would be open to this in the future if this behaviour changes and your son feels safe with hers.

Do I email the teacher again? I feel like a nuisance.

My son is 6 and sometimes spits when he feels cornered/ganged up on. Of course I tell him off when he does it and there is an appropriate sanction. He’s doing it less often so I’m getting through slowly.

The idea that the other mum hasn’t thought to say ‘don’t spit at Timmy’ is ridiculous! Of course she has. Some kids just take longer to learn acceptable behaviour. That being said, I wouldn’t arrange or attend a play date with her and it’s ok to say why.

One day your child is acting out of order in school and you need a little extra understanding at the school gate.

There's no need to act out in front of the boy's mother.

Say no to play dates. That's fair enough, but otherwise keep the conversation neutral.

I'd say to the parents...

Something like:
I'm unsure if you're aware but the spitting /bullying has been continuing-the headteacher has spoken to your child about this and been told to keep away from mine ... I'm not exposing my child further to this as he finds this upsetting (and makes him not want to be in school)?