Child spat on my child at school - I’m friends with the mum

[bananasinabowl]

What would you do in my situation?
this child seems to be targeting my child for some reason. We’ve had play dates, even shared a party. But this child keeps putting my child down and school have taken action. He spat on him too.
Mum keeps reaching out to me and trying to be “friends”. She’s trying to get the boys just to be friends but it’s not working and I’m starting to think she says stuff at home to make her child target my child. Do I just ignore her now? Back off? That’s what I want to do. Not sure how to deal with this though.

She doesn't owe her friendship either. No need for aggression but neither would I be chatty or friendly with someone whose child was behaving like that towards my DDs.I would certainly tell her why though.

Yes you email the school every time there's a new incident.

Behave respectfully and calmly towards the other parent but keep away.

Stop wasting energy being judgemental as you've no idea what's causing the issues on the other child's side.

It sounds like a very small school, consider your alternatives. More children means more options for friendships.

Exactly. It sounds like the other boy feels like he is being forced to be your son's friend and it is having the opposite effect. She needs to lightened up and let the boys choose their own friendship groups. While his behaviour is totally unacceptable he is only 7 and probably reacting to the pressure his mother is putting on him to both be your son's friend, and be like your son. I would be blunt with her, tbh, and just tell her that nether boy has any interest in friendship atm and its just causing stress for everyone.

This is where direct communication is great -

Hi - We will not be attending play dates. I realise this may come as a surprise, but your child has been bullying mine and my child doesn’t want to be friends with yours. I want your child to leave mine alone at school just has the school has recommended. My child is miserable at school due to your child’s behaviour. If you need any further clarification of the situation at school - please contact person xyz on blah blah blah.

Of course it’s gross, but I’m slightly amazed that a 7 year old has the motor skills and co-ordination to do a full on flob. Where has that been learnt??

? I'm assuming that like all 7 year olds he can spit toothpaste out - it's not really a different skill, is it?

Of course by 7 children do things they haven't been taught to do at home, and sometimes don't do things they've been told to do at home! Obviously I agree spitting is extreme and unacceptable behaviour but I guarantee that every child in that class, including yours, sometimes does things that they wouldn't do in front of their parents and that their parents wouldn't want them to do. They're children, not parentally programmed robots.

You’ve said in this thread multiple times that you are friends and you are not friends with the mum… that doesn’t make sense.

either way, have you spoken to her directly about her son’s behaviour and why it is because of that that your son doesn’t want to interact/spend time with/be friends with her child?
I don’t understand why you haven’t?

We are “mum friends” as in we speak alot at school events, parties, gates. She is always approaching me. She texts me in school holidays asking which clubs my child go to etc.
However we are not friends outside our children.
I have mum friends that I meet up without children, I don’t have that with her.

Because after the spitting incident, we did speak and started arranging play dates to get the boys to bond. This has obviously not worked. Her child punched my child, my child told her and she did nothing. This was a few weeks ago.
Hence I do not want to speak to her. Her child punched a child at a party last year and she blamed the other child’s mum for not being there and supervising. Her child had pushed my child, my child has told the teacher and her child said my child pushed him first. So not sure what her child is telling his mum.

I just want school to sort it this time. Trying to sort it between us and make them kids friends hasn’t worked…. I think it’s actually upset my child more as he thought they were “bonding” too.

OP I know you’re in the thick of it and seeing your child suffer is the literal worst thing - but you’re being a bit childish the way you’re handling it yourself.

From your comments:

1. no she isn’t telling the boy to bully your son
2. the bully sounds like he is jealous, probably made worse when he hears his mum comparing him to a ‘good boy’ - he wants his own mums praise
3. No need to be rude to her or actively avoid her. Unfortunately kids can be awful, how we manage it doesn’t need to be to jump in and join in. Simply and without emotion you can reply and say you’re obviously both aware the boys right now are clashing, not bonding and there is some unwanted behaviour. You feel that right now it’s probably best for them to take a breather from each other and maybe in time the relationship dynamics may change naturally, but you’ve tried to encourage that and it hasn’t worked.
4. continue to engage the school and manage it through them and be a nuisance and advocate for your child via that method
5. it isn’t uncommon that in a years time the boys are friends and this moment is forgotten about. If you have a falling out as you’re being dramatic with the mum, you can’t really come back from that. If she hasn’t been rude to you, be civilised.

hopefully half term helps things as a natural break from each other. Good luck!

I understand I am being childish and I really don’t want to be, however as we see each other fleetingly unless it’s a party etc and if I acted normal, she would think there isn’t really a problem and “boys will be boys” attitude.
Based on her not doing anything when my child told her her child punched him and she tried to blame the others child’s parents when her child punched another child, she will be dismissive or doesn’t realise her child is actually a bully.

Me being distant and keeping away and letting school deal with it, might actually make her realise her child is a problem.
Her child acts really nice and innocent when around us.

I would say that close to every single thing you criticise the other kid for, yours has done or done similar or worse.

No end of judgemental and offended parents cleansing and improving their kids social circles and manipulating friendships, it does way more harm than good. Rude, loud, boiisteruous, bad table manners, leaving out l, possesive, jealous, bossy - yours is and has done it too, s/he really has. Yours is no better when you cant see, I promise. Tens of times I've heard mothers not wanting their kid to mix with someone while theirs is an absolute brat.

And why did you need to become friends with the mother and likely use to force friendships? Did you not see this coming?
Mothers need to stop merging with other mothers.

I do think people brains have rotted away and what the hell is going on with this level of naivety.

Witg the last update, in your case though if it is a true interpretation, and the kid did punch you are probably justified.
But why force friendships in the first place. Let them choose their own and support that without merging with the other parents. How needy.

Maybe she is trying to stop it but he is just carrying doing it?

Why on Earth did you try and force them to be friends

I don't understand why you tried to force a 'bond' with a kid who is mean to your child?

nor do I understand why you're basically being mean to the mum.

If you don't want to socialise with her that's fine, if you actually like her then that's fine too, but your kids can't be forced to be friends - especially in year 4!

Avoid the school mummy mafia member.
Get hold of school policy and follow it here time the other child causes yours issues.

The “bonding” was her idea. She’s been wanting them to be friends even before the bullying started. I am not sure why.
She wants her boy to go to the same holiday clubs as my child, and even trying to convince my child to go the same football club as hers. She doesn’t ask any other parents so I don’t get it and I feel annoyed at myself for thinking that bonding will fix the problem.

She has confided me that she worries about her child and classmates and how they treat him, I did have sympathy but now I’m starting to think her child is the problem and she can’t see it.

I don’t think it’s your job at that age to forge a friendship for him with someone he isn’t actually getting on with that well

just be non commital about clubs etc etc

I get what you are saying but I have never got call from school or a nursery setting telling my child has been involved in an incident. My child has had lots of play dates and parents are fond of him too.
I have seen my child become possessive, not share etc but I tell him off and I would be absolutely mortified if he punched another child or bully another child. My child isn’t perfect, but he is not a bully.

You can’t avoid her until you express the problem to her. She either doesn’t get it or wants to brush it under the carpet. Yes you need to protect your child from another child harming them, but you also need to model an effective and calm way to deal with difficult situations. Looking away and ‘avoiding’ it isn’t going to work. Use your words.

I would continue to be friend ly with the mum. If my child was younger and willing I’d be temped to do a playdate to see the dynamics myself,
but not at your child’s age. Can you volunteer for a school trip etc to try and see what’s going on?

I would love to but there’s never any volunteer opportunities. I was in school at the beginning of term to pick up something,
it coincided with lunch time. The “bullying” child came up to me and was all nice and sweet and told me that my child baby sister (who was in my arms) was so cute and ran towards my child saying your mum is here so not sure if I would actually see it in a school setting with teachers. I’d find it hard not to intervene as well 🤐

Hes overly nice to my child in front of us when it’s fleeting or around his mum however at a party, when he punched my child. You could tell his frustrations and bullying streak was surfacing.

Just email the school again and maybe ask for another meeting with the head or class teacher to see if they can be more closely monitored at play time. Perhaps the playground supervisors could do group games like tag or hide and seek or what not so as to involve more kids.
Or could they buddy your son up with a child in year above?
Basically ask and see going forward how they can manage it and encourage friendships between your son and others.
My school had a friendship bench the kids sat on and the year 6s would go and play with whoever sat on there. Is there something like this?

I'd also encourage friendships with other kids, arrange playdates this holidays with other boys/girls and maybe put him in karate or scouts etc if that other boy is in his football club. Maybe speak to him about widening his friendship circle and some self esteem building exercises.

Years ago for one of my DC I bought a book called "bullies bigmouths and so called friends" it was a little dated but had great information in there about how to deal with these situations. Perhaps try and get it from Ebay or library and read a little yourself and then together with him.

In terms of the mum, be distant and polite but decline playdates etc. Sounds like she is excusing or not wanting to confront his behaviour - it's understandable but you don't need to facilitate a friendship that isn't there. No need to confront.

I got a phone call today by the teacher. They are escalating the situation to the Headteacher and now going to work closely to help my child build his confidence back up and give some strategies to help him.
I will have to see what happens now I suppose.