The balance of a parents social life and having a 3 month old

[Kerry9703]

Hello, I'm just please looking for a bit of advice and wondering if I'm being unreasonable?

My husband and I have a 3 month old son who we both absolutely adore. However, as first time parents we are struggling a bit to balance work, house work, parenting and social life. I am very appreciative as he does help out with a lot of the house work and does spend time with our son when he gets home from work to give me time to shower or have a bath.

However, we are arguing a bit over his social life. ( I completely understand the importance of his social life as its good for mental health etc). He says as a minimum he wants one Sunday a month to go gaming/ see friends. However, I've been struggling a bit with my own health and our son can be very fussy during the day.

Am I being unreasonable by asking if he can please just have friends round the house to play board games, as then if I need a quick 5 minutes he can help? As I am struggling a bit ( which I've been very clear with).

But, when I've asked this he says I'm being unreasonable and he wants to go out . I then also argue that he's had more than once a month to socialize and I would just like a tiny bit of support. He then says that he can't do anything else to help me. He then gets dramatic saying he will just never go gaming again ( which i haven't asked of him).

In a few weeks he also wants to go away overnight to drink with friends and play more board games. However, this falls on when our son gets his next lot of vaccines. I've asked if he could just go the following night instead just to please help me as our little boy is very upset for the first 24 hours after the vaccines. He says no and that he wants to go on that particular night and if I have a problem I should just re arrange his vaccines for the following week. I absolutely refuse to do this as I just want our little boy to have the vaccines out of the way. My mother in law did say she could stay over to help me but am I being unreasonable wanting the support off my husband? ( I do really appreciate all her Help)

He also says that he has no problem if I ever want to go away for a weekend and he can look after our son but currently I'm ebf and I'm also too tired to even contemplate a weekend away. He does also say if I want to go out for a day he doesn't mind looking after our son, so doesn't think I'm being fair.

Please does anyone have any advice? As I can't keep having the same argument.

One day a month to go out is 100% fair enough on his part. I wouldn’t have a problem with one overnight as a one off either. So if it’s just that then YABU, just make sure you get breaks too

Not in the first six months. It’s such a small portion of your life to not be a twat in.

He's also going away for 3 nights with friends a few weeks later.

The event he wants to go to the day of our sons vaccines is 4 day event and I'm asking him if he could please go on one of the other days just to help for the first 24 hours after his vaccines

One Sunday a month seems fair enough tbh.

It doesn't sound like you're getting a break though? It's hard when you ebf, but he can still give you breaks inbetween feeds. My husband would drop me off at a coffee shop so I could drink a coffee by myself and maybe walk around the shops for a couple of hours. It made all the difference.

It doesn’t sound excessive to me tbh

Does he see his role as helping you, or being a parent to his son?

I don’t think I’d have an issue with a day away every so often, but would make sure I similarly had some time off.
Sounds like he needs to get his head round what it is to be a parent.

One Sunday a month is very reasonable as a regular thing. Are you saying in the next few months he has 2/3 night away with friends?

why don’t you have a few hours to yourself every weekend? Sounds like you could do with a break.

It's not just one day a month though as during the week he sometimes goes to a friends house for a few hours after work and then he has a night out on Friday to have drinks with friends from work

His request seems fair. And absolutely do rope in your MIL if she's helpful and keen.

I'm afraid having a baby is a shock to the system in many ways, one of which is realising your life has changed beyond recognition while his has not. Men do get to socialise more, pursue hobbies, focus on careers while you are literally left holding the baby.

The good news is that it gets better. In a couple of years you won't be breastfeeding anymore, baby will be a lot less reliant on you and you can start going away yourself and getting some life back. If he's a good egg, your relationship will become more balanced.

Well is it 'one Sunday a month' that he says he wants, and is perfectly reasonable, or is it more, like you suggest, plus overnight and a 3/4 day trip, which depending on how often, probably isn't?

How often does he look after DC by himself without you being around? You also need to take time for yourself, you need to stop seeing DH parenting as 'helping you', the baby is his child too, so he needs to be able to look after him.

Even if you did nothing more than express and go and read/sleep for a few hours while DH takes him to visit relatives or go out for a walk, it will be a start.

Sounds like he doesn’t think his life has to change at all now he’s the father of a very young baby.

How old are you both?

Seeing friends once a week is ok in my opinion as long as it's not the whole day. It's important to keep in touch with friends, especially when you have a baby because you need a break from being a parent. The same goes for you - does he give you a break? Do you get some time to see your friends without constant interruptions? Even with a bf baby you can get time to yourself, and he should enable that.

Going away overnight - absolutely not ok for the first year. Most babies sleep fairly badly during the first year and it's not fair to leave you to cope alone with that.

He goes out weekly? And then is going away for 4 days? And is grumbling about timing. And he ‘helps’ with housework and his own child, does he?
Did he book the vaccines? When your child will be weaned will he read up about it? What about sleep? Potty training? He’s basically around to ‘give a hand’ and wants his free time and applause for the bare minimum.

This is both your children. Mat leave is work. We cannot gaslight women into telling them that being a mother is the most important job there is, blah blah and then diminish it by saying, but you are home all day, why do you need a break? He gets a break at lunch time, he can take a toilet break, drink a cup of tea whenever he wants. When he is home he should do 80% and you should do 20%. On weekends go out for a walk and leave him with the baby after a feed. Do this as often as you can. And tell him that while looking after the baby, could he also prep lunch?

Do not lower your standards for what you expect of him. When he’s met those standards and is an equal parent and you are feeling better, that’s when leisure time comes in.

I have more grown up kids (teen and pre teen) and we have a rule. No one sits down if one person is doing chores. We all chip in and then we all sit down together. He doesn’t get to kick up a fuss about his social life when you are this tired.

That's too much in my opinion. Once a week is fair enough, but multiple times a week is too much, especially as he's working and therefore leaving you alone for the entire day.

I mean 1 day per month and the odd overnight i wouldn’t have an issue with since he has offered for you to go away but you don’t want to.

the whole needing “support” post vaccination I find a bit wet TBH but as a single parent of 3 since twins were babies I do admit my threshold is set very high

And don’t wait till the baby stops breastfeeding and sleeps better. Mine fed for 18 months, didn’t sleep well. And my DH who works pretty long hours managed to parent fully without whining like a baby.

To give an example. He got up at 5:30, made my breakfast, packed my lunch, did laundry, emptied the dishwasher, packed the baby bag, had a shower and breakfast. I woke up and fed the baby and handed the baby to him. Then I went to eat and shower in peace while he changed the baby and played with him before work. This meant that by the time he left laundry had been done, baby was dressed and fed and so was I and I had a quick lunch (sandwich or salad) to grab. As soon as he walked in he took over the baby and if I hadn’t managed to make dinner, would start on dinner while I had a quick bath. I would then finish dinner, while he bathed the baby, then handed over to me for the night time feed. As I said before, the expectation has/is always been that we are a team and we work together. And his leisure time is not more important or precious than mine.

What a very unsupportive post to a new mother. “A bit wet”? That’s not having a high bar, that’s just being nasty.

Well It’s changed now from what you originally said. One day a month is absolutely fine. (As long as you get that to do as you please). A few nights a week isn’t the same thing and thats too much at this age.

I always think this is a tricky one because social needs do vary between people and only you know if he is trying to take the mick.

I'm an introvert. My hobbies are reading/sewing and spending time with my small group of friends every few months. I don't have a regular social engagement. My DH on the other hand has always been involved in various sporting activities (nothing serious just like 5 a side or casual cycling) and also meets his friends weekly for a gaming event.

We had our DD the day before lockdown so naturally all activities were stopped and he was at home with me all the time except for work. Had you asked me prior to giving birth I would have said "well why wouldn't he want to spend all his time with us" but I slowly saw him shrinking into himself and becoming depressed, he was with us in body but it seemed more like he was going through the motions. Then rule of 6 came in and some of our mutual friends invited us for a meal, our DD would have made us 7 so I said I would stay home. He was reluctant to go without me but I am so glad he did, he came back that night rejuvenated and much more present.

5 years in our routine is - he goes to the gym 3 times a week for an hour then he has his weekly social event. He moves these around our DD if needed (for example she was poorly last week so he didn't go). I don't do a regular social activity, but he will drop everything (including his activities) if I ask to do something out of the house. Otherwise he does all the swimming classes and kids parties and takes our DD places to make sure I get ample time at home for my hobbies.

His regular activities don't have any bearing on any extra activities he does (ie a weekend away or something) but I will tell him if he's being excessive and he will adjust accordingly.

I can't tell you if your DH is just trying to not make his life change, and we read countless threads where that is the case. But if it's genuinely coming from a need to fill a social cup I think it's much better to accept that you have differing social needs and have an honest and frank conversation about how you will each support each other. Also, I understand how difficult it is to carve out time for yourself and leave your baby but I think even if just for a few hours a week it's so important. In a way I am grateful that my DD was born during covid because I only had small 'socialising' events to attend (it would be a walk with my friends or a cuppa in the garden) and I didn't feel the pressure to be going on nights out etc. I now think that actually I was a real risk for isolating myself from my usual life and becoming consumed by being mum too much. I now feel confident enough to decline the events im not interested in but also see my friends semi regularly.

I find this language of saying he "helps out" with his own kid... Not great to say the least. This is 2025, he's an equal parent. Your baby is not only your responsibility for him to dip in and out of "helping" you with (likewise housework).

He's not "helping" you but partnering together to parent the baby that both of you made. He's only 3 months. He's being a bit unreasonable to insist on "social life" at this age. He'll get his "social life" back once you and baby stabilise - that's what having a baby is about.

If you're arguing about time with him now, what will he do when the baby's needs gets higher the older he gets. Hopefully you don't think of adding more kids to an already strenuous life.

Once a week/month break isn't bad but not overnight. He needs to be there for his baby too. As you're ebf, he can give you the same once a week at home where you only 'come in' to breastfeed, then go off to bed or chatting with friends in the living room or something.

I can’t really make sense of what he actually wants to do in terms of going out because it changes with every update.

But for me once a month is fine, one evening a week also fine, a 2 night away trip 1-2 times a year is also fine but if he does a trip I’d expect that to be it for the month and I wouldn’t expect plans to be arranged around vaccines (have calpol at the ready and they’re not really a big deal). I went on a 2 night hen abroad when my first was 3 months old. Socialising and getting a break is important to both of us so we made sure to give each other time away. I appreciate that might be harder for you to do if breastfeeding though. But finding balance and both of you getting a break is important because babies are hard!

Stop with the ‘he does help out’ though. Cleaning your own house is adulting not helping and spending time with his son is parenting. Don’t fall into that trap of thinking he’s doing you a favour by doing the bare minimum.

In order to stop having the same argument I suggest you focus not in him and his social life but on a) how your cup gets filled. When do you get breaks? How can you build your resilience up (extra sleep, alone time, social time). And b) his parental bond. Even with a ebf baby he can be talking sole responsibility for some caregiving. Eg. My DH usually did bathtime and took my babies out on a Saturday morning for a couple of hours right after their morning feed.
Between these two things you may find your DH might have to cut back his social life but that’s not really the focus so it’s a different conversation based on your and the baby’s needs not his wants.

I think 1 day a month is fine and you're being a bit over dramatic. BTW, for us the vaccines at 4 and 5 months were way less bad than the 3 month ones and the baby was fine after a dose of calpol. You are potentially into teething then though ;)

A bit of a drip feed from your original post, so it’s hard to gauge if YABU or not. But I would think a few hours each week socialising then one weekend a month is fine. Even though you’re EBF can’t you make sure you have an hour or so alone? Even if it’s just a walk for coffee?

The vaccines might go better than you think, my DS was largely fine for the 12 and 16 week jabs. The 1 year vaccines were the worst! There will always be something when you’re a parent though and sounds like you do have support from MIL? If it’s being offered I would lean into that.