The balance of a parents social life and having a 3 month old

[Kerry9703]

Hello, I'm just please looking for a bit of advice and wondering if I'm being unreasonable?

My husband and I have a 3 month old son who we both absolutely adore. However, as first time parents we are struggling a bit to balance work, house work, parenting and social life. I am very appreciative as he does help out with a lot of the house work and does spend time with our son when he gets home from work to give me time to shower or have a bath.

However, we are arguing a bit over his social life. ( I completely understand the importance of his social life as its good for mental health etc). He says as a minimum he wants one Sunday a month to go gaming/ see friends. However, I've been struggling a bit with my own health and our son can be very fussy during the day.

Am I being unreasonable by asking if he can please just have friends round the house to play board games, as then if I need a quick 5 minutes he can help? As I am struggling a bit ( which I've been very clear with).

But, when I've asked this he says I'm being unreasonable and he wants to go out . I then also argue that he's had more than once a month to socialize and I would just like a tiny bit of support. He then says that he can't do anything else to help me. He then gets dramatic saying he will just never go gaming again ( which i haven't asked of him).

In a few weeks he also wants to go away overnight to drink with friends and play more board games. However, this falls on when our son gets his next lot of vaccines. I've asked if he could just go the following night instead just to please help me as our little boy is very upset for the first 24 hours after the vaccines. He says no and that he wants to go on that particular night and if I have a problem I should just re arrange his vaccines for the following week. I absolutely refuse to do this as I just want our little boy to have the vaccines out of the way. My mother in law did say she could stay over to help me but am I being unreasonable wanting the support off my husband? ( I do really appreciate all her Help)

He also says that he has no problem if I ever want to go away for a weekend and he can look after our son but currently I'm ebf and I'm also too tired to even contemplate a weekend away. He does also say if I want to go out for a day he doesn't mind looking after our son, so doesn't think I'm being fair.

Please does anyone have any advice? As I can't keep having the same argument.

At this stage you are tied to baby and he isn’t and that’s just life

as a baby gets older you would be right to demand similar down time but at this stage a few hours a week or a day a month deesnt seem unreasonable - won’t you want similar when the baby is a bit older ? If yes- now is the time to make that clear

At this stage my main worry was sleep - so making sure he could give me a couple of hours to sleep between feeds was what I needed

Don’t fret over the vaccines- baby will react to that as much as the vaccines themselves !

Rebook the vaccines.

I'd urge you to take time out / away too.
Maybe not 3 days in a block but maybe do 6 afternoons or mornings.

Am I being unreasonable by asking if he can please just have friends round the house to play board games, as then if I need a quick 5 minutes he can help?

Um, in a word, yes.

"ok but you need to do the weekly shop, batch cook and clean the house on the Friday because I will be the sole parent when you're out"

At 3 months, neither of you really have much social life. It gets easier closer to a year realistically.

Once a month for an afternoon, totally reasonable. You should get similar time yourself, even if he has to hover nearby so you can feed baby. The rare overnight (I mean, once or twice in the first year) also fine. You should get the same time away even if not right now because of baby’s needs during the night.

Several nights a week, no, it’s too much with a young baby. Frankly, it’s probably too much with older children who have activities to run to and homework to do and need their parents around.

Ours are 7 & 12 now, but we have maybe one night out every month or two. And a night or weekend away a couple times a year. But it wasn’t like that when ours were babies. It’s too tiring and you need to be fully present.

people may well say it’s fair enough.
But you, his wife and mother of his newborn are expressing that you need him. So it’s not fair enough. His priority should be the two of you and his attention should lie with the family and the home in the first year or so. There will be time for all the socialising in the world when he doesn’t have a tiny baby and wife to look after.

Agree with this. Surely he should actually want to be spending time with you and his child, rather than seeing at as an irritating interruption of his social calendar

Are you getting help with your health? If you’re genuinely desperately needing him there then he should be. However I wouldn’t say it’s normal for you to be struggling so much, my DH works away for half the year and has done since each of our children was 5 weeks old, so a baby (our last one wouldn’t be put down at all for the first few months so had to do everything with her in her carrier) and older children to cope with. Now I’m back at work too. I won’t say it’s easy but it’s not normal for you to struggle so much with him being away 1 day a month. That’s not to say your need isn’t valid, just unusual

I’ve had three children and I was a very different mother to the first one than subsequent babies. The op is still building her confidence as a parent. She isnt a single mother and it’s not unreasonable to expect support from the father of the baby!

I don't think one Sunday a month is particularly unreasonable, but I would 100% expect that you also be able to take time for yourself as needed. Understand this might not be a whole day (particularly if EBF) but certainly a couple of hours here and there to see a friend for a coffee or a go to a nail appointment.

I have a 4 month old and am ebf, however I also pump which allows my partner to look after the baby for longer stretches without me there. Is that something you could do op?

When my partner has to travel for work, or has done several social things alone, he offers to take the baby for a whole night and I sleep in the guest room. I wake up to pump, but just having the evening to myself and a whole undisturbed night is so nice. It has stopped me feeling any kind of resentment because it feels fair.

maybe op and ops partner need to have a chat about what the partner could do in return for his time alone to make their situation feel more fair

This subject has been done to death

One Sunday a month is fine as long as you get one Wednesday (or whatever other day) to do your thing child free.
As for evening gym sessions - alternate.

If I'm struggling exhausted stressed out. My husband prioritises me and wants to be by my side to support me give me a break, carry the load, be a team. Socialising just didn't even enter our thoughts for quite some time when we had babies that young. It was survival.

If you don't feel supported then ofcourse that's not unreasonable It should be the bare minimum.
It will differ for everyone but everyone else doesn't matter when it's you that's going through it. You both need to figure out what works for you both. You're in the trenches now and need all hands on deck to get through it. It won't always be like this and socialising will come back on the scene.
I imagine once you feel fully supported and prioritised you will actively encourage him to go out socialise and vice versa. But that time isn't right now.

I think you’re being harsh. He’s not asking for anything unreasonable. He’s entitled to a social life. As are you. This doesn’t stop just because you become a parent.

I would also question how much he is actually sharing the work load/doing the nights etc if he has this much energy for socialising. By the ops updates it seems he is pushing for a lot more than just one Sunday a month.

No but it does take a backseat in exchange for their wellbeing, especially when you're barely out of the newborn phase and still struggling to cope.

Anyone who doesn't feel that way shouldn't be a parent/have more kids because it gets even busier and you fall lower on the priority list.

Edited: autocorrect typos

So I think some of this is fair enough and some isn't.

I think once month for him to go out is entirely reasonable. You may struggle on this day, but it's once month. But I agree anything else above this, he should have people at his so he isn't completely absent.

I do think it's difficult when you're exclusively breastfeeding because your can't really be away from your baby (unless they can take a bottle?). So I can see that, "I'll cover you to go out" feels like an empty offer because it isn't realistic for you to go out at the moment. It would probably be more helpful to have some acknowledgement that because you're exclusively feeding at the moment things feel a bit unbalanced and its shit for you.

The vaccines is sort of reasonable either way. Like I think it would be reasonable for him to not go and support you with the vaccines, but I also think it would be reasonable for you to rearrange the vaccines, if it was only a short delay like a couple of weeks in the baby getting them.

Also I think it depends what sort of relationship you have with your MIL. My MIL is kind and a good woman but we're quite different and I don't find it easy to share parenting with her so I wouldn't find this a supportive situation to have MIL as replacement for husband.

Things will get easier as the baby grows.

Not unreasonable ask at all.
It is a big change. I think some people forget that life changes but will get easier. It’s just that right now things are harder.

I do think the 1 day a month isn’t a massive ask. Do you get some time to yourself to recharge? I’m not saying a day, I wouldn’t have wanted that at such a young age, but a couple of hours to have a bath or read or something?

Agreed. Also you need to learn a bit of resilience! You come over like you feel completely helpless.

On the face of it one day a month sounds reasonable, but he should try to give you blocks of time too if you want them (I know difficult if you are breastfeeding but possible between feeds ect). If you are struggling he should prioritize you though of course. Is there anyone else who could help you on that day?

I don't think going away overnight for several nights to socialise is reasonable, especially if you are struggling and definitely not over immunizations. Personally I wouldn't have minded one night and my husband did this about this time for a very close friend's 40th. However, that also depends on how you are feeling.

How would he feel if you went away for four days and left him with the baby (know you wouldn't but even so)?

He is taking the piss.

Ask him the question a previous poster asked. Does he see himself as an occasional 'helper' to you, or a baby minder - or does he see himself as a full partner to you and full parent to his baby?

Don't put up with his hurtful behaviour. Don't let him shame you into silence here. He's being a complete twat.

One Sunday a month is reasonable.

Overnights - I think that for the first year, you and baby should take priority. Plus if he wants to do that then he needs to putting in some effort to make sure it is as easy as possible on you. That means preparing some meals for you to heat up, ensuring the house is clean, you have a good supply of nappies etc and that you have had additional sleep before he goes so it is easier for you to cope.

I think part of the problem here is that there is no balance between the two of you. I know it is hard to leave baby when you are EBF but you need to make the effort to do that and he needs to be comfortable and confident to take care of baby alone. Make plans to go out for a couple of hours. It is hugely beneficial for your own mental health and wellbeing.

If he baulks at that at all then I'd be telling him that he needs to cancel all his plans too. If he can't manage a couple of hours in sole charge then he can't expect you to manage a day.

Once a month, fine.
Occasional over night, fine especially as you have offered of help.
Once a week plus random nights after work plus 3 nights here and 1 night there and once a month somewhere else and... and... and.... - that's a problem.

Does he see his son on the nights he goes for a drink after work? Does he see his son on a Friday at all? Do you think he's adjusted at all to being a parent?

I disagree.

What you're entitled to is beside the point.

I could assert that everyone is entitled to a solid night's sleep, but try telling the baby that.

When you become a father, you need to grow the F up. You need to support the mother of your baby to the fullest extent, and stop thinking in terms of entitlement. The baby is a full time, day and night job for the mother, and frankly if the father of the baby has enough energy to consider gaming events, socializing with his mates at the pub during the week, and a ring fenced night out every month, it's a strong indication that he is falling far short of the support he should be giving.

He needs to ask himself what he thinks he's playing at. He's not fifteen any more.

It may/ may not help but 3 months vaccines are usually less stressful as they don't include the live Rotavirus. It's really tough, the initial thing you said about once a month and the occasional overnight is ok really, but you need to carve out some time for yourself. It might look different if you don't want to leave baby for long, but currently my second baby is the same age as yours, and my first I didn't leave alone for 2 years, this time I've had a couple of KIT days already (I know not really a social life but helps you feel more yourself) and I go to the gym/swim twice a week. When you have things for yourself this will work better, but he needs to be pulling his weight on both the house/mental load for this to work. Doing all the nights is kind of to be expected with an EBF baby but that means more falls to him in the days.