The balance of a parents social life and having a 3 month old

[Kerry9703]

Hello, I'm just please looking for a bit of advice and wondering if I'm being unreasonable?

My husband and I have a 3 month old son who we both absolutely adore. However, as first time parents we are struggling a bit to balance work, house work, parenting and social life. I am very appreciative as he does help out with a lot of the house work and does spend time with our son when he gets home from work to give me time to shower or have a bath.

However, we are arguing a bit over his social life. ( I completely understand the importance of his social life as its good for mental health etc). He says as a minimum he wants one Sunday a month to go gaming/ see friends. However, I've been struggling a bit with my own health and our son can be very fussy during the day.

Am I being unreasonable by asking if he can please just have friends round the house to play board games, as then if I need a quick 5 minutes he can help? As I am struggling a bit ( which I've been very clear with).

But, when I've asked this he says I'm being unreasonable and he wants to go out . I then also argue that he's had more than once a month to socialize and I would just like a tiny bit of support. He then says that he can't do anything else to help me. He then gets dramatic saying he will just never go gaming again ( which i haven't asked of him).

In a few weeks he also wants to go away overnight to drink with friends and play more board games. However, this falls on when our son gets his next lot of vaccines. I've asked if he could just go the following night instead just to please help me as our little boy is very upset for the first 24 hours after the vaccines. He says no and that he wants to go on that particular night and if I have a problem I should just re arrange his vaccines for the following week. I absolutely refuse to do this as I just want our little boy to have the vaccines out of the way. My mother in law did say she could stay over to help me but am I being unreasonable wanting the support off my husband? ( I do really appreciate all her Help)

He also says that he has no problem if I ever want to go away for a weekend and he can look after our son but currently I'm ebf and I'm also too tired to even contemplate a weekend away. He does also say if I want to go out for a day he doesn't mind looking after our son, so doesn't think I'm being fair.

Please does anyone have any advice? As I can't keep having the same argument.

The op is breast feeding so she’s not going away anywhere! I think her resilience here is the issue as many dads HAVE to be away for work and us mums get on with it. Are any grandparents around? When DH was away, my DM came over. DH also played golf several times a month and no issues because not everything should revolve around a baby. When I stopped breastfeeding, I had more me time. However I cannot say I kept a tally of it and we also did lots with babies in tow!

Planning a social life with a 3 months old baby is ambitious. I didn't mind my husband spending time outside the home but we had to have 100% control over our home life as first priority.

It wouldn’t be hard for you to move the vaccine appointment and there’s no reason why it can’t be done a different week. So using that to stop him going isn’t fair, especially when you have another offer of help.

How about he has one Sunday a month for a few hours and you have one Saturday a month for a few hours of me time where he takes the baby out or you go out?

I'm not a fan of men who think their life can carry on just as it was pre baby.

But.

We have 9 months carrying the baby to physically and mentally prepare. Men don't, and the arrival of baby, and the reality of the impact, is often a shock. If he had an active social life before, if you both did, then being in the trenches with a new, first baby is a huge shift. If you're EBF, he also doesn't have the bond you do with baby and won't feel the same way you do about not wanting to leave him, because he doesn't have all the hormones that make a new mum bond, nest, etc. People don't like to discuss the differences between men and women in this way, but it's unfortunately the truth. They don't experience the baby bubble in the same way a new mum will.

None of this excuses men from being present and active fathers. But it is simply unrealistic to expect that they will feel the same way about wanting to spend every possible moment with baby. Needing and wanting time away is normal. Once my mat leave finished and I was back to work, I needed DH more than when they were tiny babies, particularly once we had DS2, so I think there's some wisdom in thinking long term. You don't want a burnt out dad by the time you go back to work and both of you are juggling work and parenting, and you will be more ready by the time baby is weaned to have some freedom and time out of your own.

Once a month on a Sunday plus one evening a week sounds reasonable, as long as he isn't getting plastered and is too drunk/hungover to do his fair share or anything. I was certainly more supportive of DH engaging in his sports and outdoor things than drinking with the boys. Overnight trips - if you have extra help from family, I'd be asking him to compromise and do 1-2 nights, not 3-4. And taking him up on getting breaks yourself, even if it's just for a couple of hours here and there.

Breastfeeding does not mean you can't go anywhere alone. This is the sort of misinformation that causes people to give up. I go plenty of places, even if you can't express and baby won't take a bottle, by 3/4 months they have a reasonable amount of time between feeds if what she wants is to get out for an hour's walk/go for a swim.

I exclusively breastfed too, and it somehow ended up with my husband thinking he could go out whenever he wanted because he wasn't responsible for feeding and the baby would just be asleep anyway or feeding. Around the 4 or 5 month mark I told him I wanted a divorce. What was the point in us being a family if he wanted to go out more than stay in. He complained that he needed a break and that because the baby was asleep in the moses basket that he couldn't hear TV blah blah. He didn't once consider that I was 24/7 attached to the baby and how that affected my mental health.

We had so many conversations and he eventually bucked up but only because I started saying "No, you're not going out" or I'd say "You are minding baby Saturday for 2 hours while I go out"

Once a month Sunday is fine, once a week Friday night few drinks is fine, once a week gaming night after work is fine. All 3 together is not fine. That becomes 2-3 times a week which is 40% plus he's gone all day at work and probably not doing any nights if you're EBF. That whittles it down to he's around maybe 10% of the week!

Why don't you enlist your MIL for 2 hours every 2nd Saturday and go for coffee or dinner with your husband maybe?

Nights away of spaced out don't particularly bother me though but then he doesn't get to go out the rest of the week.

Absolutely 💯
By 3 months I used to pop baby into the bassinet pram and my husband would go off our with him for a walk so I could have a nice relaxing bath or an everything shower and face mask etc to just give me a bit of a pep.

At 3 months I also went to get my hair done and my husband had the baby, brought him into the hairdressers for 15 minutes for a feed midway and off he popped again!

OPs MIL obviously wants yo be involved too so he could even go off to see his mum or get his mum round to help if he was useless!

The issue here is communication and compromise. For you to ask about this means you are struggling with the imbalance at the moment and therefore you need to communicate that to your husband. He needs to put aside his wants (or at least come to a compromise) to support your needs.
I am a little bit further along with a 6m baby. I do all night wakes and with baby’s sleep regression this is exhausting. Baby will not settle with husband. My husband will acknowledge this and give me some time in the day to look after baby whilst I have some rest or do whatever. I am also breastfeeding so max is a 2 hour slot. I generally use this time to do stuff for us - go grocery shopping, tidy the house, cook so it’s not really me time. However I find that being productive with my time away from baby somewhat at ease.
Compromise goes both ways - he will out of curtesy “ask” me if he can go the gym. More of a FYI than an ask. That way I factor that into my expectation and day. Exercise is good for his wellbeing so I would only have a problem if I was really struggling.
My husband would meet his friends but these are scheduled in advance and gives me notice.
Social life for me is bring the baby along now as that’s what I signed up for.
Don’t get me wrong, I have times when I think it’s all unfair - how it’s always me that has to get up and settle the baby and my husband just snores away. Or if baby is crying in the day it’s me that he wants and I can’t do what I want.
Your husband needs to know exactly how you are feeling and provide some support. He has to make sacrifices to support you and your baby. Therefore you need to communicate and compromise.

@panda42 Many fathers are not around in the day! Mine never was. You just have to cope when tired. Sleep when baby sleeps. If you are at work it’s a killer but we don’t all have work from home dads!

I never said my husband WFH. I am solely looking after the baby during the day on weekdays. He may give me some time in the day if he’s around to give me a break. If it’s the weekend, he’ll sometimes take the baby out in the car for a drive. If the weekday he takes the baby as soon as he finishes work.
It works for us because we talk about it. OP who cares if people on MN think it’s reasonable or unreasonable, they aren’t in your shoes. Talk to your husband to see how you both can come to a solution.