Taking in my niece and nephew, need advice on helping them adjust

[AinoVa]

Hi. I will start off by saying, its not yet save that this is the permanent solution. I am exploring possibilities in my head, and i will take any advice I can get.

My husband (27) and I (25) are facing some changes in the coming the coming days and weeks. We will be, as of tomorrow, taking care of our nephew (8) and niece (11) from my husbands families side.
It was my husbands decision to take them until a permanent solution is found, which can mean we will take care of them permanently, or not. That being said, we will be their caretakers for the time being. I support this decision fully. And i will do my best with supporting him.

The reason I am anxious, Im not able to show empathy or emotions like a normal human. And the situation they come from will leave them with much to process. So my role is more so supporting my husband in being a good caretaker than me taking the same role as him.

We are already looking into prefessional help for them, so they dont get stuck in waiting lines.

My question, what can i still do to help them? What can i do to comfort and support them to make them feel save despite my own issues. They dont realy know me that well. So im afraid of coming across as too "direct, harsh, cold "whatever you want to call it. I literaly am wired different than a "normal" human. Im not incapable of understanding that something is difficult and/or traumatic for other ppl in general, but i am inherently more analytical about how deal with these things and how i face them and that might not be very helpful in their specific situation.

Also, with how kids are, i am afraid, if these "news" go around, the community they lived in is small, it will go around, that they will be targeted at school. How can we prepare for that? What to do when it happens?

Should we potentialy get in tighter contact with other parents and teachers?

And also, if what ive said above about myself, makes you feel like i am unfit, that is fair. I understand that and its something we are taking into consideration when figuring out the hopefully best longterm solution.

Still, for the time being, any advice to my questions, and things i might not be thinking about, is much appreciated.
Thank you.

I am a little concerned that no social services involvement at all,

This. And other posters have said it

be very open and upfront with them. Explain your condition in simple terms. Say they need to tell you explicitly how they feel if they need or want support, are fearful, upset, angry, sad , worried at any point. If they want a hug or hold they just need to tell you. That they know you want to be supportive, that you love them, that you want them to be with you and dh, and you’ll do your best.

then have frequent check in with them. What working, what’s not, what they/you want to continue to do. You’ll all be learning …and it’s extraordinary hard to suddenly become a parent overnight to two kids of that age, even without your issues. Dh isn’t going to get it instinctively right all the time either.

id also take an approach of getting some small habits that don’t come naturally to you , in place from start. Like making sure you ask if they slept well, every morning, as you go to wake them. Asking them about school each evening when you see them …don’t be vague …ask what was best bit, worst bit….kids are terrible at just grunting replies of how their day went! Always sit together for teatime meals and talk . You and dh, and then bring kids into conversation. As someone once said to me “ don’t forget to do the soft fluffy stuff “ even if you have to force yourself to do it. Treat it as part of your parenting tasks, like reminding them to clean their teeth !

A friend of mine is part way through fostering some children.

She has put a notice of rules on the fridge and is trying to get them in to a routine.

Things like, "wake up, wash face, brush teeth then breakfast"

At the weekends there is a time for breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, tea so they know what is coming up.

The children are not used to sitting up to a table and the only things they claim to like food wise is beige UPF.

So she is trying to get them to eat more healthily. She did pulled pork and they moaned, said they didn't like it but ` mins later it had all gone.

Routine is such a useful thing for children.

Where are Social Services in all this? Surely they ought to be guiding all this.

Is the children’s school aware of what is going on? What is their input?

As for your own difficulties, what steps are you/have you been taking to address them? Are you in therapy - if not, why not…

If you haven't got children of your own, you'll be surprised at how expensive they are - so I do hope you are getting some financial help from somewhere.

Definitely speak to their school and fully explain the situation. They will treat it in confidence, but will be better able to support the children.

Put up a family calendar in the kitchen and write on it everything that needs doing that day. Not only will it be a reminder for you and your husband of all your new commitments, but it will also show the children that their lives are continuing as normal if you write on it e.g. after school football club or swimming lessons.

Have a stash of coins in the house so you can pay when they suddenly say it's cake sale/home clothes day tomorrow! Don't be surprised if they say they need a dressing up outfit to wear in a couple of days. Schools often give parents very little warning.

You and your husband will need to help them with their homework, probably every day, so schedule that in. Your nephew is still of the age where he'd probably like a bedtime story, maybe your niece too. It can be a nice, bonding thing to do together.

If they've been through a traumatic experience they may be upset/confused/unhappy, so cut them some slack if their behaviour isn't great initially.

It's a very good thing you're doing. Hope it goes well.

Routine and predictability are important, not just daily living (we get up at 7am, shower, breakfast) but also fun activities.

E g. Friday night is takeaway night, or homemade pizza night, or cheese on toast night etc Sunday we go for an afternoon walk, or do a jigsaw puzzle together, or visit great aunt Sarah for a cup of tea. The point is that it is predictable and allows you to connect with a shared activity.

The same with other special events, create long term family rituals. Maybe carve a pumpkin at Halloween. Put up Xmas decorations the first weekend in December, or whatever you celebrate. If they are not with you long term maybe in future years they can visit and continue those rituals, giving them a long term sense of belonging with their wider family.

Encourage them to invite friends over, and welcome them in a low key way with a smile and offer of snacks. Show that this is their home for as long as they are with you.

A degree of distance and analysis may be helpful. At their ages they will probably be (understandably) wary of adults over promising and then not delivering. Being someone who provides for their needs without being emotionally demanding could be a positive. Make clear, verbally and practically, that you are happy that they are with you, that they have an important place with you for as long as they need one. Then allow your relationship to develop naturally.

Depending on their experiences they may have had to survive by controlling and manipulating adults to get their needs met. A degree of distance, combined with genuine care, could be very beneficial. OTOH they may be well cared for kids who have suddenly experienced a family crisis. In which case being caring while allowing your relationship to develop in its own time will also be beneficial.

Speaking as an adoptive parent!

There is social service involment. They approached us in the first place.

Im sorry if my post made it seem as if social services arent involved. They are.

The school knows. My husband is there today. So we'll know more from their side.

I am in therapy for my own stuff.

There is a lot to be said for reliably and consistently meeting their physical needs. Enough clothes - right size and in good condition, washed so they are ready when needed, food for all the meals, getting up early enough for a good breakfast, dinner ready in the evening. A good supply of toiletries, no anxiety about being able to wash properly, warm and comfortable beds, a good routine so you get to bed on time. Children find routine safe and comforting and they probably have had a long period of feeling unsafe.
I agree with low key activities, crafts etc. and getting them to help with a project at home.

OP you say you are not emotional but there is a lot of love in your post. Thank you for what you are doing for these children. I hope the children settle well and you all adjust.

you and your husband are doing a wonderful
thing - please look on the adoption board for support and ask questions there - a lot of amazing people will help and support.
as an adopter of a child in similar circumstances i have two thoughts

1. that relaxing into the difficult moments and regulating my own breathing and allowing myself to be calm and relaxed was the key to them feeling they could be calm and safe.
2. i gave them as much control of things they could control safely. so they felt they were not without agency. so if they wanted something even if it was annoying or nonsensical i would let them choose it so they could see that i listened and respected their choices. my LO is much younger so for her, she needed me to get her a lot of things at bedtime and move things in and out of her room in quite nonsensical ways. but it wasn’t the things that she was interested in - it was that i would listen and do what she asked of me - and that i asked her for her opinion and gave her choices she could make. that built trust and i feel reduced anxiety as she knew i would help and support her with her needs when she asked me. those habits fell away as she got more settled

This. I used to have my nephew every weekend. On a walk once we were chatting away like you would, his mum was there too, he quietly asked her why she never asked him any question like I do.

Firstly, you are doing a wonderful thing for these children.

Also, this doesn't seem to have been mentioned yet, but what year is the 11 year old? Year 6 primary or year 7 Secondary? If year 6 you need to apply for a place at Secondary school by the end of October...
I would hope that the current school / social services will be able to support you with this.

And her response?

The school is open on a Saturday? Or is this an Independent school?

So social services are involved. And presumably providing some support and oversight?

she looked blankly at him. Would not have occurred to her.

He did, did he?

Yes he did. What a weird response.

It’s a strange thing for a child to say and to be honest I think that if your opening sort of viewpoint is (as yours appears to be) that you are the ‘good’ parent or parental figure; you do it ‘right’ and the parent (mother?) does it ‘wrong’ then any sort of placement, whether formal or otherwise, is going to struggle.

I have had children who are not mine for periods of time and can categorically state it is far easier to be patient, understanding and supportive when they are not yours!

I think you sound amazing to be honest. And if the children are coming from an overwhelming and mentally exhausting background they might respond really well to the peace you can offer.

I think being deliberate in everything is really key here. Make some lists and a schedule and stick to it. My daughter and I are both autistic and we do much better with clear expectations. I have a weekly whiteboard calendar on the fridge and I put everything on it for every week so there are no surprises. What clubs, activities, social events, homework - whatever. I have a grocery list that my children can add to and I get it during the next shop.

agree wholeheartedly with the period products. My daughter was 11 and it was a total surprise but we’d fortunately been talking about it for ages.

as far as routines go - are they in any activities? Football or swimming or anything? Just thinking of life admin stuff.

I agree that the more control they have over the things they can (clothes, bedding, books, snacks) the better. Snacking and screen time is the two things that are wildly different in every household (my kids are 9 and 12) so have a chat with your husband and think about what would make sense for your family and these children. Appreciate they might be used to various things and there are many options that work for different people but worth ensuring you’re on the same page from the start.

I think the unconditional love from your husband and the structure from you might work out brilliantly well. You are doing a wonderful thing. Please ensure you get all the help you’re entitled to and think about what sort of respite options you have - family or friends who can help with lifts or give you a night out or an hour for a walk or something. You need to take care of yourselves too.

good luck

Is this your sister or your husbands?

The school knows. My husband is there today. So we'll know more from their side.

Amazing that a school was open at 8.45am (earlier) on a Saturday

Not necessarily. 'Is there today' might mean 'will be there today' as much as 'is there now'.

And senior staff will come in out of hours in an emergency.

Whatever the truth behind it, there has been some good advice given about becoming a kinship carer. I am sure it will be helpful.

Reported