Taking in my niece and nephew, need advice on helping them adjust

[AinoVa]

Hi. I will start off by saying, its not yet save that this is the permanent solution. I am exploring possibilities in my head, and i will take any advice I can get.

My husband (27) and I (25) are facing some changes in the coming the coming days and weeks. We will be, as of tomorrow, taking care of our nephew (8) and niece (11) from my husbands families side.
It was my husbands decision to take them until a permanent solution is found, which can mean we will take care of them permanently, or not. That being said, we will be their caretakers for the time being. I support this decision fully. And i will do my best with supporting him.

The reason I am anxious, Im not able to show empathy or emotions like a normal human. And the situation they come from will leave them with much to process. So my role is more so supporting my husband in being a good caretaker than me taking the same role as him.

We are already looking into prefessional help for them, so they dont get stuck in waiting lines.

My question, what can i still do to help them? What can i do to comfort and support them to make them feel save despite my own issues. They dont realy know me that well. So im afraid of coming across as too "direct, harsh, cold "whatever you want to call it. I literaly am wired different than a "normal" human. Im not incapable of understanding that something is difficult and/or traumatic for other ppl in general, but i am inherently more analytical about how deal with these things and how i face them and that might not be very helpful in their specific situation.

Also, with how kids are, i am afraid, if these "news" go around, the community they lived in is small, it will go around, that they will be targeted at school. How can we prepare for that? What to do when it happens?

Should we potentialy get in tighter contact with other parents and teachers?

And also, if what ive said above about myself, makes you feel like i am unfit, that is fair. I understand that and its something we are taking into consideration when figuring out the hopefully best longterm solution.

Still, for the time being, any advice to my questions, and things i might not be thinking about, is much appreciated.
Thank you.

One of the things you can also do if possible. Is allow them to choose their own bedding, put up any posters or pictures, fairly lights etc.. in the room if they can. If they are then going to be with you permanently then allow them to decorate the bedroom so it becomes their safe space. Being practical is not always a negative thing. I say this a care leaver, having someone just treat you as you and maybe do activities you enjoy is enough.

Could you tell them what you’ve said here, ‘that you find the way other people do emotional expressions is not how you do it but you want to support them.’ I think they will want support but will really benefit from you being upfront. I actually think it might work really well especially if emotional expression is part of the reason they need to come to you.

I recommend the charity Kinship to you. https://kinship.org.uk

They do great work in supporting families in your situation and have a range of advice, workshops and peer support groups.

Just to add that often older kids who come from dysfunctional homes struggle with the emotional environment in more “emotionally functioning” homes because it is so anathema to them, the fact you have emotional blunting suggests you have much more of a lived experience understanding of their experiences that will help.

My advice would be to encourage the children to talk about their feelings, and acknowledge their feelings without offering any analysis or solutions. Let their emotions be the lead here as they go through this big adjustment. You can just hold the space for them. In fact, your "blunting" might be good for them, as they won't have to deal with your emotions and will have more space just to be themselves. You're doing a really lovely thing and I'm sure the children will benefit from your presence.

What kind of relationship do you have with them at the moment? Do they know you well? Are you able to express warmth, and do they recognise that you like them, and like you in return?

There's a big difference in taking on children that you meet once a year, and children you see weekly and have a relationship with.

Will they also be changing schools if you live in a different area? If it’s possible I would try to keep them in touch with old friends or out of school groups if possible.

There are some excellent social media accounts that you might find helpful, do a search on Instagram for child psychologists. I don't follow any but they occasionally pop up on my feed.

I do follow this fostering one which is pretty great:

Foster.parenting (Instagram- Foster mum called Laura)

Don’t discount the possibility that your communication style may actually end up matching one or both of the children. I’m autistic and my style fits well with my child. Pragmatic and direct works for us most of the time.

jumping queues with private resources will make things much easier.

having small projects, working on puzzles, playing board games, or just anything that gives your new group a way to be together with a distraction will help. Find out what the kids are interested in and take their lead to some extent, but don’t be surprised when they default to screens and isolation. You may need to do things like suggest baking a simple cake together.

Agree - what do you enjoy doing and is that something they can join you in?

jigsaws
cooking or baking
craft kits
Adult paint by numbers / colouring
lego
sewing / crochet
scrap books

If they may like craft a trip to Hobbycraft or a Smyths toy shop to choose some craft kits is a good place to start.

DD and I made some bath bombs this week!

I took on three children at much the same age from the wider family. They returned and I am much older and have had my own since. Looking back I honestly didn’t know how little I knew. I knower how to feed them and keep them safe but I wasn’t a mother and they were all primary school so the other mothers knew so much more about what was going on at school and how things worked. Ask for help. Tell school how inexperienced you are and let them help.

They know my husband. They like him. I know them, they know me, but that is about the extent of it. We normaly would see them and sorta hang out more often than just once a year, but I honestly cant say how they feel about me.

They wont be changing school for that reason. If they dont express a wish for that, that is. Its a commute, but we'll figure it out. I work from home, so i can grab them and drive them from and to places.

There should be training and support from a kinship’s care system in your local authority which would be really beneficial for you and your dh. Also good to meet others in the same situation as you. Definitely talk to school and work alongside them to help- see if the children can have ELSA or similar (emotional literacy support - helping them articulate what they are going through so they can process)
mostly they will need a lot of love which it sounds like you and your dh can give them, even if it will look different from you both

Can you tell us more about your upbringing? Were you shown love? How do you express your love to your husband? How did you know he loved you?

Lots of good advice, I agree a calm routine will be the best thing. Check what sports/activities they do and if they want to keep doing them (tjey may not love them all in which case it’s probably time for a break). Write a list for the week of kind supportive things to say to them each day if you’re not instinctively going to do that, ‘we are so proud of you two’ ‘first day at school after changing where you live is a big deal, you did really well’ and have some of their favorite foods etc. Ask what food they take to school. Don’t be a pushover if they just list lots of junk though, good nutrition will help them emotionally.

All you can do is be yourself, you can't try and be someone different 24 hours a day and they would realise. Be nice cheerful and listen to them, your perspective may be different but will give them different strategies, if you accidentally get things wrong and upset them just apologise and say you are new to all this. We all have to start from the beginning when parenting, it doesn't come with a manual. Well done in stepping up, good luck and enjoy your new role.

If you have chance can you get on some trauma informed training, read up on it etc. It's going to be really tough for them (you are doing a wonderful thing).

Other than that, get to know them, talk, play, cook their favourite meals together.

I have seen a few titktoks from foster carers explaining how they set things up for new young people coming to their homes, and also how they address that so as not to overwhelm them. Some of it seems quite basic (and unemotional!) making sure they know where things are (bathroom in relation to their bedroom for example, where the food is which they are allowed to help them selves to) and how they navigate those first few days. I have no way of knowing if those are good foster carers, but there were definitely things that would not have occurred to me, and emotional stability is really important.
are you able to find out anything in advance about food they do/don’t like? Food can be hugely challenging in stressful situations & possibly something you & your husband want to discuss in advance so you’re on the same page when someone decides they don’t eat orange food or something.

Well you do have awareness because if you didn’t you wouldn’t be having this conversation.
id focus on practical - meals/taking care of them and supporting your dh too. Get to know them at their pace, be honest if you feel you got something wrong apologise.

I was going to suggest this creator too. A lot of her content shows how important it is not to overwhelm foster kids, they don’t necessarily want to be smothered with love and hugs.

OP you are clearly deeply aware and caring, you might not show it in the same way that most people do, but what you’ve put here demonstrates it, and your self awareness. That stands you in good stead to help these kids. They’ll need lots of practical, clear thinking support, not just the emotional stuff.

Please make sure you are claiming any financial help you may be entitled to as it will make a big difference.

Well done @AinoVa you are doing a marvellous thing. The fact you have a good insight into your condition is what will help you navigate this most. The very fact that you care enough to want to find support and solutions here to start with shows that you have the depth of understanding needed to support these children. They are very lucky to have you and your DH.

In addition to the link given by Jecstar above about kinship care, also get in touch with the family rights group, who are also champions for kinship care. https://frg.org.uk/get-help-and-advice/who/kinship-carers/

I'm afraid you might find more support through charities like these than the local authority, who are often notoriously bad at supporting kinship carers, although you may be lucky in your area.

Wishing you the best of luck.

We are already looking into prefessional help for them, so they dont get stuck in waiting lines.

needs to be a priority. Not just looking in to.

Arrange a meeting with the school urgently.