Taking in my niece and nephew, need advice on helping them adjust

[AinoVa]

Hi. I will start off by saying, its not yet save that this is the permanent solution. I am exploring possibilities in my head, and i will take any advice I can get.

My husband (27) and I (25) are facing some changes in the coming the coming days and weeks. We will be, as of tomorrow, taking care of our nephew (8) and niece (11) from my husbands families side.
It was my husbands decision to take them until a permanent solution is found, which can mean we will take care of them permanently, or not. That being said, we will be their caretakers for the time being. I support this decision fully. And i will do my best with supporting him.

The reason I am anxious, Im not able to show empathy or emotions like a normal human. And the situation they come from will leave them with much to process. So my role is more so supporting my husband in being a good caretaker than me taking the same role as him.

We are already looking into prefessional help for them, so they dont get stuck in waiting lines.

My question, what can i still do to help them? What can i do to comfort and support them to make them feel save despite my own issues. They dont realy know me that well. So im afraid of coming across as too "direct, harsh, cold "whatever you want to call it. I literaly am wired different than a "normal" human. Im not incapable of understanding that something is difficult and/or traumatic for other ppl in general, but i am inherently more analytical about how deal with these things and how i face them and that might not be very helpful in their specific situation.

Also, with how kids are, i am afraid, if these "news" go around, the community they lived in is small, it will go around, that they will be targeted at school. How can we prepare for that? What to do when it happens?

Should we potentialy get in tighter contact with other parents and teachers?

And also, if what ive said above about myself, makes you feel like i am unfit, that is fair. I understand that and its something we are taking into consideration when figuring out the hopefully best longterm solution.

Still, for the time being, any advice to my questions, and things i might not be thinking about, is much appreciated.
Thank you.

First well done for giving them a home when their other one is falling apart. Both children will be traumatised by this. Contact foster and adoption agencies in your area and ask for support for yourselves and the children. Speak to the children's school so the teachers know they need extra support and ask if there is anything like art therapy or a learning mentor who can do a weekly sessions with the children. I doubt the children will give your niece and nephew a hard time, most children are very supportive of their friends. Explain to the children that you have autism and they need to explain their feelings to you. Also, give the children space, they have been through a very traumatic time and need time.

I think one thing I have learned about children, as a parent, is that all they really want/need/crave, is your time. It’s not about stuff. It’s not about elaborate day trips and experiences. Just time and focus on them.

Spend time with them. Board games. Baking. Gardening. Kicking a ball around. Swimming. Whatever. Just lean into enjoying their company. Nothing fancy or expensive - keep it low key.

I will look into those things. Thank you.

Well done OP, this sounds like a really stressful situation for all involved and you’re doing a great job stepping up. Also your self-awareness is admirable as well as your obvious wish to do the best for these children.

Agree with both posts above. I would say that in addition to giving them your time if you’re able, and a safe space while whatever they’re going through is sorted out, you could reframe your own position as being a calm constant. Children that age thrive with boundaries and their world has been turned upside-down. They may well appreciate your less emotional approach to everything that’s going on. Support your husband in the ways that you already know, and let him support them. Good luck.

No experience of your situation, just practical advice for your niece being 11...

Periods. She will either be having them, or soon to be having them. She might not feel comfortable talking about it. So make sure she has everything she needs.

A project helps. A shared endeavour. Give them things to do with their hands and reasons to be with you so they learn to talk to you more easily.

Lots of hugs and lots of love.
Lots of peace and understanding.
Good food and enough.
Clean clothes right size. Nice bedding. A Teddy from home.
A toothbrush, shampoo, period pads all the need things for a young girl.
And just the 'I get it's crab but we can support you and do your life better' loving attitude.
My parents were never jugded.
It helped tremendous my foster carer had these things first on the list.
I was 11.

I ended to go fra fostercare to adopted by this wonderful couple.

To be honest I reckon they could appreciate that approach. They probably get a lot of sympathy and you could be a breath of fresh air being more practical. I’d maybe make it your job to let them decide how they decorate their rooms and take them to get the paint etc. Take them shopping and let them pick what food they want. Let them buy some new pjs with you. Help them feel in control, and I think they’ll warm to you.

said with zero experience but we were considering fostering so have thought about it before

I would genuinely have forgotten about that. Thank you so much.

I would arrange a meeting with school ASAP, I am sure they are already aware of what is going on but having those clear pathways of communication will be beneficial for you all.

I think the most important thing for now is making them feel welcome and safe. Make sure they know they can talk to people whenever they need. You don’t need to have answers just ears and a hug (if they want it not all children do)

I would make sure they each have their own space of some sort and maybe involve them in personalising it so they feel at home.

make sure you and your husband take time for yourselves and your kind to yourselves through it all.

They will have had a lot of inconsistency, a lot of broken promises, a lot of uncertainty.

Being cool may well feel very safe for them. They won’t feel obliged to perform happiness or warmth they may not actually feel.

Your husband can offer an alternative approach, so they will be fine.

Don’t start from a position of feeling inadequate- you aren’t. Just wired differently. You may well be more discerning of their needs because you see past emotional behaviours and are analytical. You may well be able to manage situations that others would feel emotionally overwhelmed by.

By the way, you didn’t actually say you are autistic. Is that what you mean?

Im not autistic. I couldnt find an english medical translation. The direct translation ive found is just "emotional blunting". And i didnt want to throw it around incase its not actualy a thing, or mixing something up.

Sorry for the confusion.

Ah, ok. That’s interesting. It’s not something I’m familiar with.

If you dont mind me asking what happened to put them in your care?

Also depending on how they are being placed you may well be entitled to a proper allowance for them and chances are you wont be offered it unless you ask

‘Im not incapable of understanding that something is difficult and/or traumatic for other ppl in general, but i am inherently more analytical about how deal with these things and how i face them and that might not be very helpful in their specific situation’.

This isn’t a bad thing! They will need someone like yourself who is logical and observant.

You are doing a really good (and incredibly hard) thing for those children. Will you have access to support?

You don’t have to say but I’m guessing you have Alexithymia. Like I said, you have other skills. You and your husband need to work as a team and both use your strengths in caring for these children.

I think this might work in your favour because you are possibly less likely to have an over emotional reaction to their grief or feelings. What they need is calm, steady consistency. Someone trying to overhwelm them with love is likely to be the last thing they want. Kids don't always like to address feelings and need more professional support to do this. As a teacher I've worked with lots of children who's experienced loss and trauma and often they quite like to just come in and get on with the normal boring classroom routine to step away from their overwhelming feelings.

Professional help, yes. I will be looking into help from the foster system. Family is difficult on both ends. So we'll have to make do with that.

Agree with PP that being analytical and practical is probably a good thing. I would go on tiktok or reels and look up fostering, there are actually some amazing creators on there with practical tips.

You need to push, push, push for all the support you can get. Resources are so limited so someone who can push through and advocate is ideal. Meeting with the school, meeting with teachers so everyone knows what is going on and they are giving you regular updates.

Ill be honest if you are even remotely suitable social services will leave them with you. If that may not work long term you need to be clear and brutal about this.

Is there someone else in the family who can take them for some evenings? Use them, youre giving up your life for this, everyone else needs to step up too. Use that time to stay connected to your partner, if you can get couples therapy so you keep communication wide open during this time. Treasure your relationship, it takes less than this to break one.

Its hard to know how the children will be with you. Sometimes they will do everything they can to make you leave/ lash out as it's what they are used to and they need to prove that they dont need anyone and everyone will leave them as it feels safer. Othertimes they may regress and be really helpless/ babyish. They may be violent or try to push you and your husband apart so they can get one adult for themselves. Especially at their ages they can do deeply cruel and manipulative things but they are children desperately trying to survive.

Read the body keeps the score and other books on the subject. In early days prioritise simple mirroring games ie throwing a ball back and forth, tennis etc as this instinctively connects us.

Best of luck.

That’s great, professional input will mean that both the children and yourself (and Dh) are able to get support in any worries or concerns that you may have. Hopefully they can signpost you to others that may have been in similar situations (depending on the area). Good luck!

Firstly you have taken on a massive commitment so good on you for stepping up but make sure you understand what that means- do you need to go to appointments, meetings etc. you’ll need a planner!

Then ask the professionals what to expect behaviour wise if you can. The children may be in shock at being with unfamiliar people routines, home and rules. They may be quiet as mice or in your face.

Be low key -everyday routines may be difficult as not used to them or yours are different so try and keep them or parts the same. Same plates at mealtimes, same washing up powder, toys if they have them. Don’t lose their stuff from home. Same food and slowly move into healthier stuff if needed. Let them be sad and angry, and help them find safe ways to be that. Don’t use punishment, naughty step shout when they misbehave. They may have difficulty regulating emotions and those make it worse. Be yourself. Don’t expect a tidy or immaculate home- let them play with toys and teach to put away at end of day. Take to park, soft play, garden and allow messy play. Get your partner involved as well as much as possible. Keep calm as much as possible. Don’t let other people except very close family, care for them or they’ll go off with strangers. Lots of cuddles but respect their autonomy. Good luck!

Family is difficult. We are looking into available foster support. We have managed contact with some ppl. So we arent alone.

Professional help otherwise, therapy and what not, for both us and them should work out aswell. In the sense that it should be available.

What a lovely thing you and DH are doing. I'd say that keeping to a routine will be reassuring to the children. A breakfast time, shower time, getting dressed time. A homework and tv and bedtime routine etc. children are more settled when they know what to expect. Definitely think about screen time and whether they are allowed gadgets overnight in bedrooms or whether they place them in a basket at the bottom of the stairs or whatever.

I’m no expert on any of this but I’d try and focus on some practical preparations before they arrive:

-Making sure they have good safe car seats ready. Children should ideally be in a high back booster until they are 150cm or can use the adult seatbelt with a safe fit.
-Find out what they are bringing from home (if anything) and make sure they have all basic toiletries, clothes, shoes, underwear and pjs in the right sizes as well as the correct uniform for school.
-If you can letting them choose some things for their room (bedding, lights, cushions, curtains) before they arrive or very soon after so the space feels like theirs.
-Get in touch with their school and find out about all upcoming events so you are prepared for non uniform days and school trips etc so they aren’t missing out or turning up and you’re realising they’re meant to be taking something in for the harvest festival today. My experience so far is there is a lot of school related admin to keep tabs on so best to be prepared with what’s coming up. Feeling supported at school will help them feel safe with you.
-Doing very low key simple activities together like watching their favourite films, going to the park or library, baking straightforward things at home together to start off with.

Best of luck, this sounds like a very big undertaking for you both.

Listen to them, make it clear they are allowed to talk about what they want, answer any questions as honestly as you can. Don’t try and avoid the hard things to ‘protect’ them. They will fill in gaps and what they imagine will be worse.

If you say you’re going to do something stick to it, or explain why you can’t. You need to show them they can trust you.