When is it acceptable for husband to go back to football

[2ndtimemum2025]

Due to have my 2nd baby in 4 weeks. Already have a 5.5 year old daughter. Husband only gets 1 week off work. Husband normally plays football once a week around daughters bedtime when I have always had to lie with her until she falls asleep. Ive asked him to leave football until we figure out a new routine as I dont know how ill do my daughters bedtime and have a newborn. Husband said he will go back to football after a week off but I feel that is too soon. This has led to a big argument. Friends are saying he should have 4-6weeks off. Just wondering what others think is reasonable/acceptable?

This is exactly the scenario for which the phrase 'you've made a rod for your own back' was invented. Too late for this poster - you've probably left it too late to make a big change now and will have to muddle through until baby is in more of a routine - but I agree so much with another poster that you should never allow 'bad' habits to be established that you are not prepared to live with for a long time. I would have gone out of my mind by now with the dreariness of having to lie with a child of 5.5 every single night and having my life revolve around this wholly unnecessary habit. .

Oh gosh I feel you. My friends who have 2 kids all just had to sleep train. And keep doing it again when they regressed. Schedule in a week, in your mind, of sticking to your guns (encouraging her to be a big girl and and go to sleep alone, and not getting in with you) and it’ll become the new normal. At least that’s what they told me!

Your partner is a selfish asshole though. We have only 1 child, and my DP raced back from work every day to help me in the early months. I had to encourage HIM to go do something for himself occasionally!

I think it’s fine for him to go to football once a week. I would just expect once a week I got some me time too. Even if you don’t want to go out take the time. I’d want to read my book in peace for a few hours while he sorted both children.

Your daughter is 5.5, you have had a good while to sort this out.

Yes i think ot is fine for football after a week, 5.5 ia plenty of time for a child to be able to sleep normally, life doesn't have to be dictated by children all the time

It is a perfectly valid and reasonable parenting choice to lie with your child until they go to sleep. If you have a particularly fearful, anxious child, even more valid.

Many adults don't like to sleep alone, there is nothing shameful about a 5yo feeling the same.

Just because the prevailing view is, get them to bed alone, make them stay there, it doesn't mean that it is right for your child.

It is not lazy parenting either. Lazy parenting is no bedtime routine, child falls asleep in front of a screen at 10pm.

We did what you are doing, OP and still offer support at night occasionally to our, much older, anxious child.

For context, our DC get recognised at school for good conduct and attitudes to learning. They are not over-indulged princes/princess. They have the support they need at home to function well.

I'd say he should first tackle the 5 year old's bedtime before returning to football. He should probably get cracking now!

Whenever you get bedtime sorted and things are manageable on your own. For us, this probably would have been around 12 weeks.

Your issue is that you’ve (both of you, not just you!) have mad a rod for your own back with DD’s bedtime routine. Lying with a 5.5YO for ages is ridiculous and also just unsustainable once you have another baby. Whatever your bedtime routine is it should always be manageable for 1 parent to do solo because you both deserve to have an evening off on occasion, also if there’s work travel or one of you is unwell etc. You have 4 weeks to tackle it, get on it now, and DH needs to really step up because it’s necessary for him to resume football. I’d try a yoto player so she can have an audio book and initially leaving her bedroom open but doing busy jobs on the landing (folding laundry or something) so she’s aware of your presence but you’re not in the actual room.

Then without the bedtime issues with the eldest I would have thought he should be ok to resume football when you’re physically recovered from the birth so 2-4 weeks depending on how that goes. You don’t want to be left in a situation where the eldest doesn’t want to get out of the bath but you can’t lift her due to c-section stitches or anything like that.

I have 2 kids.

One was absolutely fine sleeping alone from the off, she was fine in a cot alone, would happily sit watching me do stuff from the floor or a bouncer. She'd try it on a little as a toddler and I'd gently ignore it because she could self-sooth just fine and just fancied stringing bedtime out a bit longer.

The other was a terrible sleeper. Absolutely hated sleeping alone, couldn't self-sooth, nothing I tried worked, hated being put down as a baby, needed way more reassurance and interaction through every stage.

I didn't do anything radically different with either of them, they were just different individuals and have very different personalities.

The bad sleeping one is now 6ft tall with a beard and sleeps just fine on his own.

Your experience with your kids was your experience of your own individual humans, you didn't do it better than everyone else, and they didn't do anything wrong because their children were different.

You don't get to take credit for all the things that worked out well with your kids, just like everything which goes wrong with them isn't all your fault either.

We all do the best job we can with the children we have, it's best to try not to sit in judgement of other people because no-one does everything perfectly.

If you were struggling with something, you'd hope other people gave you helpful advice and support - not say things like - well it's all your fault and it's not fixable now. That's not even true!

OP will muddle along and sort it out best she can just like we all do.

As soon as he's comfortable having both children at bedtime so that you can also go out and do a hobby/enjoy yourself once a week

Sorry but the first part of your post is completely ridiculous. If a woman told us about her husband saying she had to indefinitely give up her weekly hobby, possibly for a year, until he could manage both kids at the same time we'd be down on him like a ton of bricks. A week or two is fair, op will figure it out like we all do.

However I agree he should be pitching in to give you equal downtime to go out of you want.

I have a 3yo and a nearly 1yo and still have to sit with the 3yo for bedtime.

Babies' sleep changes so much in the first year. For ages they don't really go down for the night until like 10pm, so I just brought DS2 into DS1 room and did bedtime together.

Then DS2 was ready for a 7pm bedtime, I stuck DS1 infront of the telly and DS2 went down really quickly. So DS1 had time for an episode or 2 of paw patrol, and then into bed himself.

Recently, DS2 has started taking longer to go to sleep and this has been more problematic, so he's still awake at DS2's bedtime. I know the answer is to train DS2 out of needing someone to sit with him. I just haven't done it yet.

Anyway, solo bedtimes with 2 aren't fun and I regularly lose the plot, but it's probably manageable one night a week. And you should also go out one night a week so your DH is also doing the juggle, he can see how much he likes it then.

A fucking week? Are people serious? I could barely stand unaided a week after I gave birth, let alone solo parent a newborn and 5yo effectively.

If he has to go back to work after a week then he has to, but he doesn’t have to go back to football that soon. I agree it’s good for people to have time to themselves as parents of young children but committing in advance for it to be a week in? Even if baby is colicky, even if OP is still suffering badly from the birth, even if 5yo is playing up due to the new sibling? That’s extreme, even for the cool wives of mumsnet

OP you all need to wait and see what happens when baby is here and when it is realistic for him to go back without it being unduly unfair in you. It’s not impossible that’s a week, more likely it will be several weeks (Possibly longer).

And we all know there is fuck all chance this man will be ok with OP having an evening out once a week and leaving him with both children.

I only read as far as the comments this morning, so apologies if you’ve already responded to this suggestion.

i would say to him that he can restart football training under 2 conditions:

1. You are physically able to cope on your own (so if you have cs or a difficult birth, you might need his support for a few weeks) - an alternative to this one would be if he can get one of the children into bed and asleep before he leaves

2. He has both children one evening, for the same hours he would be gone to football, and you go out (uncontactable). If you get home and both children are asleep in bed, having been fed correctly, in the right pj’s/bed, and he’s not going crazy from the stress of it then it’s perfectly acceptable to think you can to the same to allow him to go out.

Obviously if there can be any compromises, think about those - eg if he comes straight home afterwards instead of going out with the team (if he does that) and would be in time to help; if he can get one of the kids to bed before he goes; if he gives you an hours break before he leaves, etc.

I actually don’t think it’s a terrible thing to lay with her if you don’t mind doing it but then I still do that most nights with my almost 4 year old. I actually love listening to his chatter before bed and cuddling him to sleep! But he also can and does do it himself if he does need to.

If you're breastfeeding I found it really easy to lay with my toddler and baby at the same time but we were all sharing a bed back then (eldest was under 2). It probably depends whether you could transfer her once asleep or if her bed is big enough for the three of you to lay in to start. You could also try putting her in her own bed with a tonie box or book and asking her to be quiet and relax while you get baby down in another room. You’ll probably find that she’ll get herself to sleep in that situation if she’s tired enough.

Personally I would bribe the 5.5 year old. Probably not the most PC suggestion but sticker chart for a week if she goes to sleep on her own and then a present.

Absolutely this! Your DH should absolutely be able to have a single evening a week off, as long as he is pulling his weight at other times. And so should you - maybe it’s not an evening you want, but a couple of hours to yourself on a weekend morning while he takes the kids to the playground or whatever.

Why? MN seems to be full of women saying “my DH would never be able to put the kids to bed” but on the real world almost all my women friends are married to men who are perfectly capable of and regularly do put their own children to bed. Just because the OP’s DH wants one night off to get exercise and see friends doesn’t mean he would begrudge the OP the same.

I think getting back to normal life as quickly as possible is the best thing and baby fits in around you both.

However you need time off too.

I think his expected return should be measured in months not weeks. He shouldn’t be going back until you can handle an average bedtime solo without stress.

I agree he ought to be more than capable of putting the children to bed, but the kind of man who would insist on going back to football training when his wife is one week post partum and has asked him to be around for a few extra weeks is not a man who has any real regard for his wife. It oozes male entitlement so I doubt he will see that it needs to be equal.

I agree with this, I'm surprised so many people are saying it's fine for him to have already decided he's going back to football just one week after their new baby is born? No one has any idea how OP will be feeling, how the birth will go, how settled/unsettled the baby or their older child will be after just one week...

I'd expect him to say he'll see how it goes and go back when the time is right, not just decide unilaterally that he's going back almost straight away. It's not just about helping OP, it's also about helping their 5 year old adjust to a new sibling and way of life too. It wouldn't be as much of an issue if it didn't cross bedtime, but as it does this should definitely be taken into account.

I think he's being very selfish in what he's planning to be honest.

But...immediately though?? Surely he could take a bit of an extended break while everybody adjusts to being a family of 4. I am expecting my 2nd now and I'd be really upset if my husband behaved this way.

100% down the line about both parents should get a bit of a break if possible, but I'd have thought the priority with a new baby would be, at the very least making sure OP is doing OK after actually giving birth to a child, not leaving her a week later when he knows she's feeling stressed about handling bedtime with a 5yo and newborn by herself.