When is it acceptable for husband to go back to football

[2ndtimemum2025]

Due to have my 2nd baby in 4 weeks. Already have a 5.5 year old daughter. Husband only gets 1 week off work. Husband normally plays football once a week around daughters bedtime when I have always had to lie with her until she falls asleep. Ive asked him to leave football until we figure out a new routine as I dont know how ill do my daughters bedtime and have a newborn. Husband said he will go back to football after a week off but I feel that is too soon. This has led to a big argument. Friends are saying he should have 4-6weeks off. Just wondering what others think is reasonable/acceptable?

Apologies, I'd skim read and somehow thought the older child was a toddler from the fact you were lying with her to get to sleep.

Now its been pointed out how old she is, then that is even less reason for you to be lying with her.
The idea of waiting until the baby is here and hoping she will stop is a very poor one. You need o sort that out now.

As to how long your dh should have to miss his football - that will depend on how the birth and recovery goes. It shouldn't be anything to do with you both having allowed your older child to dictate bedtime routine.

I don’t understand why he can’t go to football for a few hours myself? Depends if you care for the long term resentment for the short term reward.

Thinking she is going to feel less pushed out once the baby is here then when you are pregnant is so backwards! You should have been dealing with this early pregnancy before she had the opportunity to link the two things.

Agree with the rest that you need to help your daughter and then this will be far less daunting. She will absolutely not choose to be less needy with a new baby in the house - quite the opposite. Whoever said this is the worst plan ever is spot on.

Football once a week is fine (assuming you also have an evening hobby once a week) but it’s totally impractical to need both parents home at bedtime every night.

What the actual hell. Why are you sleeping or whatever with a school age kid? The football issue is a side point. As long as you both have equal personal time it matter not a jot. If he’s leaving every thing to you that’s an issue, but if you have created this issue with your nearly 6 year old child then I feel sympathy for him.

What does once a week look like? Leave at 6, back at half 8, I think he is entitled to a couple of hours off pretty quickly - like once you are on your feet again if post c-section, or Ayer a week or 2 off.

If it's a go straight from work, and roll in steaming drunk at midnight, it needs a complete rethink.

....youve had your whole pregnancy to address the 5 year old? Why leave it til baby is here and give yourself an impossible task

You need to find a way you can do it alone. We have 3 close in age and DH works shifts. He had to go back to work after 10 days with DC3 so I had to work it out.
You either sleep train your 5 year old (though a week after having a baby feels like the wrong time to do this), feed the baby whilst lying next to her, or put the baby to sleep in the same room in a moses basket.

There is nothing wrong with laying with a 5.5 year old if that's what she needs. But a 5 year old can also be reasoned with - she can understand something might need to wait until daddy is home. I think he should go back to football when you are physically well because it will be good for him and his wellbeing which should make it easier for him to support you long term.

Not very helpful

The older child may be a little disrupted with a new baby arriving, so I’d give them some time and love. Mine were closer in age, but I’d focus on getting the oldest to sleep with the baby in a swing, chair, feeding whatever, then settle the baby. Unless your husband is always going to be around at bedtime, I’d let him go to football asap and you find a routine that works. Your husbands new routine when he gets home, may be to clean up the house, prepare for the next day, take over with baby….You both have to find the new normal.

My older DD was like this and wanted us to lay with her until she fell asleep. She was a bit younger at 4 though when I had DD2. My DH works away for 4 week rotations so I would put DD2 in a carrier and read DD1 2 stories and settle her. I bought her a yoto box to listen to and after reading stories said I would come and check her in 5 mins. When I came back in no talking just came and stroked her hair and said 'see you again in 5'. Built it up to 10 mins, 15 mins over time.

She definitely resisted at first but could see that I couldn't stay in with her the whole time with a baby.

In terms of your DH, I think a few weeks off football is reasonable until you get into more of a routine.

I guess I'm in a similar boat as we lie with 3 year old to get her to sleep and I'm due in the next couple of weeks. During pregnancy we managed to get her to accept cuddles from dad rather than just me which was a step forward - no idea how to stop the cuddles altogether but she's younger than yours so will cross that bridge later. However, if my husband is out in the evening, I suppose my plan would just be to lie with both toddler and newborn, maybe feeding the baby or have them in a sling. No doubt it will be a less smooth bedtime than with two of us but if needs must! If its once a week, then I think you might just need to muddle through for that night. Although I do think it would be fair for him to miss 2-3 weeks depending on your recovery!

Football once a week is absolutely not an unreasonable thing to do, just as it wouldn’t be unreasonable for you to have an evening to do what you want to do while he manages bedtime.

The fact that your school-age child needs someone to lie with her until she goes to sleep is nothing to do with that - you’ve both created that rod for your own backs and now have a month to sort it!

She is 5 and a half and you still lay with her? This is the issue, this should have been sorted before the new baby arrives- how are you going to manage this and also how much time do you spend every night doing this ! He should go to football after the first couple of weeks ( assuming you’re not having a c section) it’s good exercise , I wouldn’t stop my husband from going but then I did 5 weeks with a 6 week old baby and a 2 year old back in the day so perhaps my perception is different!

This. When he goes back to football, you start having one evening a week round your friends, or your Mum's or to the cinema. Leave him to do bedtime. It's the only fair way. Either he does it and you get a deserved few hours break or he realises that he wouldn't manage and he'll have to wait until you're more comfortable.

But going back to football when it's appropriate is a good thing and should be encouraged. And so should you having a break to do something for you mental and physical health.

When I had this, I laid down and bf baby while older child was going to sleep. Completely not an issue, worked absolutely fine. 😊

But also I would support husband football once you are physically recovered enough, but you should also get some time away to do something you want to.

I wouldn’t wait until baby is here to implement this, your daughter will likely feel out of sorts having to share you with a baby anyhow, you don’t want her feeling resentment
you’ve got 4 week, I’d suggest doing the ‘disappearing chair’ method where you very gradually make more distance each night until you’re out of the door. Have a talk with your daughter about what’s going to happen in a kind way, don’t link it to the baby coming.
good luck!
when my second was born, there’s only 17 months between them, I wanted my husband to go and play football as it was his release for the week and he got to spend time with mates, so until I could figure out bedtime on my own I had a family member come over and sit with baby while I put my daughter to bed, they loved the one on one time with baby and my toddler had mum all to herself for a short time xx

She doesn't have a toddler? A 5.5yo is far from a toddler.

This is what I would do if the sleep issue wasn’t sorted before baby arrived. I also wouldn’t have a problem with DH playing football one evening a week. I have done lots over the years for myself though without issue. We just worked it out and it was just a case of what ever the kids needed we did; if it was hard it was hard but we didn’t restrict each other we just got on with it.

You mention him just sleeping while you have dealt with overnight problems of your DD coming to your bed though, so perhaps the parenting isn’t particularly even in which case I would not be happy for him to go out once a week to football. I guess it depends on the bigger picture.

I also have needy DC @2ndtimemum2025 (later diagnosed with Autism/ADHD).

Practical tips from me are;
Continue with the older DC's routine and baby can fit around, like a PP said, baby can be feeding or in a bouncy chair at DD's bedtime.

Magnesium gummy supplement just before bed for older DC, they made a noticeable difference to my DC's sleep.

Double, pull out or twin beds for DC's room so that you can lie there with the baby too. DH can go in there if older DC wakes in the night.

If it is too late in the pregnancy to change older DC's routine before the birth, don't stress about it. Keep it the same, newborns don't have an early bedtime IME, so sort the baby after elder child's bedtime. Revisit things in 6 months.

I used to put newborn down first for “bed” but I guess it was just in their sleep cycle and then do toddle bedtime and then hopefully newborn stays asleep until toddler is in bed…

It's appropriate for your husband to go back to football when your whole family is ready for it, surely you can't anticipate in advance when that will be ?

Your 5 year old is old enough to settle themselves to sleep, but I don't think the time when a newborn has just arrived to unsettle her whole life is the time to start trying to change that.

Hi OP - no advice on football issue but I also had to do solo bedtimes with newborn and firstborn (17m at time!) and we too, were in habit of lying with eldest while she fell asleep.
The thing that worked for me was not expecting too much at once. I still did daughters bedtime very similar to normal, but instead of lying I sat up in bed against headboard next to her so I was there like normal, but I had the baby in my arms. Worked well until we were all ready to transition to more independent bed time.

This just meant I had to time baby’s bottle so she would be asleep for firstborns bedtime. Sometimes bedtime was delayed by about 10-20 mins, if baby was fussier than usual etc. Overall worked really well. I would perhaps try it while DH is there, so if it doesn’t work for you he can tap in. But if you do it a couple times while he is there, you will know you can handle it when he is at football.

good luck with everything and congratulations on the baby 💕