Attention seeking daughter driving me insane!

[Rosie1990]

My daughter is 9 years old and is driving me mad with her attention seeking behaviour! She just wants some sort of attention or company all the time and I just can't do it. She can play nicely with others when has friends over and is close to her little sister which is nice but lots of the time she is in my face kind of hanging around asking what we can do next and this can be after a full day out where we've done loads. She seems to have boundless energy and is a sparky child who you could put on the stage and whilst I don't want to necessarily kill off this spark and energy I must admit I find it utterly exhausting to deal with it alongside everything else we have to do as parents. She's also quite a loud person, talks constantly, asks a million questions and even when she's off playing with her sister it's crazy, running about the house, jumping around, putting music on etc. If she's told to calm down she gets cross and will lash out at her sister verbally causing her to be upset - this is clearly to me another way to get attention. I'm exhaused with it all, as is my husband. There are often dramas going on at school like fallings out in the group then they seem fine when I see them together, she'll often refuse clubs then have a meltdown because she missed it. I just don't know how I can meet her energy, I feel like I can't relax at home because if she's not already on me it wont be long til she is. We do lots as a family together, get out and about and show them things in the world, I take a big interest in their schooling and friendships etc but I just don't seem to be able to meet her need. I'm at a loss.

Have a good read about ADHD.

How’s she in school OP?

Oh sorry, missed the bit about friendship dramas. How is she academically?

Have to say I absolutely agree with the first post.

This. You’re describing me as a child. Guess what I was diagnosed with few years back?

Russel Barkley is a good place to start. His book on kids with ADHD will be well worth a read.

She has good reports and is at expected level, teachers always say she's a lovely, kind, funny member of the class. I've asked teachers and am told that she doesn't act up at school and they're surprised when I tell them this! Homework is another matter though, hates to get a wrong answer and then refuses to do it if she doesn't know how and it causes such a drama but I know she wouldn't act like up like that at school.

I was this child and 'attention-seeking' is carved into my sense of self. There's lots of resources online about reframing attention seeking https://behaviourhelp.com/a-z-challenging-behaviours/attention-seeking

That being said, I completely understand why you're exhausted and great for reaching out for help.

Currently screaming at her Dad because she wants to take a toy to school which isn't allowed. It's breaking me...

You’ve just perfectly described my ADHD DD, though we have ASD in the mix too. I don’t allow club refusal, and that has helped as she’s always glad she went. I have certain times each day that knows are ‘my’ time, to decompress and be left alone unless it’s genuinely urgent. She usually goes and listens to music and makes up dance routines in her room then! It’s just me and her so it’s a bit different, but I had to make that routine for my sake, and knowing when she can / cannot demand my attention seems to help.

FWIW, I was an angel in primary (apart from homework). It was secondary school, where more responsibility was handed to me, that things went to shit.

ETA, which is why it’s a good idea to get on top of whatever’s going on now, because in a few years with hormones and extra responsibility it could be harder. Also, I’m sorry that you’re struggling so much!

Can you try giving her things to do which she can get attention at the end of? Sort of like a reward for playing independently.

For example she could make a show (dance, puppets, singing etc) or even a "vlog" if she has an iPad and you could sit and watch it at the end of the evening. Give her a time scale eg. we will watch your thing at 7pm.

Thanks for all the messages, I just don't fully understand when it's just normal pushing of boundaries and personality traits such as being an extrovert to when the line is crossed and it's classed as ADHD. I worry for her future because she is so opposed and upset to getting things wrong in homework that it stops her learning then she refuses to do more to practice. I can see this will get harder and harder as she gets older and has to do more homework and do exams. When I was in school I remember coming home and just doing the work - I know it wasn't a battle like this for me so I can see she's different (to me at least)

A theory here - you can test out whether it’s true for you and your family….

What quality of attention and company does she get from you? I’d consider whether she’s seeking/craving what she’s never getting.

Just thinking along these lines because you use words like….

’attention seeking’

a value judgement that needing attention is wrong. It’s normal to need attention, and some need more than others. The fact that you find her level of need too much is your thing, not hers. Try using language centred around yourself (even in your mind) like ‘I feel exhausted’ instead of ‘she is…’. This will play through in how you are with her. It’s like if you were hungry and you didn’t eat, so when you were with her your mind was constantly thinking about how to get food. Your mind isn’t going to be present with her and noticing her feelings and needs. If you satisfy your need first, you can then meet her where she is and the time you spend together might feel more satiating to her.

‘I must admit I find it utterly exhausting to deal with it alongside everything else we have to do as parents.’

Did you choose to be a parent? If you’re meeting her with the energy that you have to do it (a duty, a chore) rather than ‘I want to do it and have times when I need to focus on myself too,’ she will pick up on that and internalise that as ‘I’m a chore, I need too much’. So there could be a dysregulation in her - ‘I need, but it’s wrong to need, and I don’t know if Mum/Dad are going to be there for me’. It’s a push/pull in energy that’s difficult for a child to articulate, and it can manifest as hyperactive behaviour. It becomes an exhausting cycle for you both. Can you find some compassion for both you and her? It’s understandable that you feel exhausted and overwhelmed. It’s understandable that she needs loving attention.

ADHD might be a factor, but it’s also possible that labelling compounds the situation - she grows up feeling that she’s the one with the label/problem, rather than the adults around her being strong enough in themselves to make sure they get their needs met. And then that’s a cycle that can perpetuate itself - if she grows up seeing that adults drain themselves and don’t get the rest they need, she could then feel that’s how she needs to be within relationships when she grows up, or it could go the other way and she grows up continuing to assume she can take up all the space. There is a theory that ADHD is at least partly caused by relational trauma, so it could be that addressing some points of disconnect between you might help.

I would focus a lot more on what you feel and need, rather than what your daughter is and isn’t. What do you need to be able to feel rested, calm within yourself and get enough rest regularly? If you solve that, you might be much more able to meet her in a way that satisfies her need for your presence and loving attention.

Also, where is her dad in all of this? You don’t have to meet all her needs by yourself (you can’t - none of us can meet all of another’s needs). Does she have any other adults around like grandparents too?

Theres more I could say about getting things wrong in homework and the feelings of rejection/disconnection but need to leave it there for now, tag me if you want more.

ADHD 100%

My dd was very similar. Didn’t really affect her until secondary school. Then we had school refusal for 2 years.

@Hurumphh thank you for your incredibly sensitive and ... professional? you sound like one, post. I've saved it to my saved posts.

Perhaps you already do this but… Can you sign her up for several sports activities? Maybe she needs to feel engaged in fun hobbies with other kids and coaches etc

My dd had NO relational trauma. None. She has severe ADHD.

DH has it. It’s inherited.

’Labelling’🙄do you mean diagnosing? Do we ‘label’ people with cancer?

She needs a DIAGNOSIS to get the support she needs.

What is her screen time like and could that be impacting her behaviour?

Can you encourage her to have a hobby at home that she can do to relax and have quiet time? My DD is a similar age and naturally wants to be with me all the time. But I have encouraged her to spend time in her room working on projects she enjoys- for example making a collage with pictures of her friends, decorating her room and working on art projects. She would not do this without encouragement but has now learned to spend some time this way and I think it’s good for her. We also go out and do things, but then I emphasise that she has to learn to enjoy herself at home doing something productive.

I’d pay no attention to it tbh. Your Dd needs a diagnosis.

Mine has been ill for 5 years because she was diagnosed too late. It could all have been so different.

Potentially she does need a diagnosis. But then other than medication, the support she gets will come from not only professionals, but her parents too. In fact, the bulk of it will come from home/parents.

That will mean educating: the best thing I learned in my journey (for me and my child with adhd who is the same age) is to change the environment to fit the child and not the child to fit the environment. This also includes a parent changing their behaviour and finding ways to regulate themselves in among the challenges as you can’t create an optimum environment from a deregulated place. I think the pp gives a good few points there. And in a sensitive way.

Having said that, I disagree that ADHD is anything other than genetic. There is a layer of “trauma” there, but it’s caused by being constantly berated and shamed for behaviours we cannot control. But that’s a whole other conversation.

Mentally Bored? And needs more physical exercise ?

and possibly a little insecure ? Most things can be done with help form a 9 year old

OK, Let's go through it.

What type of attention does she get: I'd say pretty good and nurturing, we chat a lot, do crafts together, go on walks and lots of family days out - so the point I would make is that we do a lot with her but it isn't enough and I don't think its fair to say it's a me problem. I think most people would find this exhausting.

Yes I chose to be a parent! I don't give off negative energy most of the time but there are things we have to do which means I can't be constantly engaging with her surely that's the case for everyone. I want to state that she does get loving attention and lots of it. She is a really loving and affectionate child and she likes to show that to me, I don't think she feels unloved or a chore as you put it.

I never said she had ADHD or I think she has it, I'm trying to diffrentiate what is normal development and behaviour and what is not. I'm certainly not trying to label her.

Me and her Dad are together and he is really present and is in this as much as me. We are both exhausted by it though, they both play music and do this together and he'll play games, take her out and chat. What I'm getting at is that she has energy we can't match, doesn't seem to take cues well that we are busy sometimes and doesn't have boundaries and can go from 0-100 in a second which cause huge upset to her as I can see how much it affects her mentally, she will be screaming, growling and kicking things about, and for us and her sister it's distressing.

Bottom line is I want to help her and think I'm doing everything I can but it doesn't seem to work hence asking for help here.

Please can you share any evidence that relational trauma can cause ADHD.

Im no expert in any of this. I do know that doing a sport/physical activity where everyone makes ‘mistakes’ all the time but are also given tools to improve, made a difference to me as a child and even more as an adult, both the physical activity regulating me and the need to not be perfect. Something really demanding - football, gymnastics, rowing, squash, cricket, tae kwon doe, modern dance? For me it was tap followed by rowing.

OP did you have a good read about ADHD?

ADHD people tend to need a lot of exercise to regulate.

Have you got a trampoline?

My dd was the same, wanted loads of attention all the time, big meltdowns. It was exhausting. All the time.