Attention seeking daughter driving me insane!

[Rosie1990]

My daughter is 9 years old and is driving me mad with her attention seeking behaviour! She just wants some sort of attention or company all the time and I just can't do it. She can play nicely with others when has friends over and is close to her little sister which is nice but lots of the time she is in my face kind of hanging around asking what we can do next and this can be after a full day out where we've done loads. She seems to have boundless energy and is a sparky child who you could put on the stage and whilst I don't want to necessarily kill off this spark and energy I must admit I find it utterly exhausting to deal with it alongside everything else we have to do as parents. She's also quite a loud person, talks constantly, asks a million questions and even when she's off playing with her sister it's crazy, running about the house, jumping around, putting music on etc. If she's told to calm down she gets cross and will lash out at her sister verbally causing her to be upset - this is clearly to me another way to get attention. I'm exhaused with it all, as is my husband. There are often dramas going on at school like fallings out in the group then they seem fine when I see them together, she'll often refuse clubs then have a meltdown because she missed it. I just don't know how I can meet her energy, I feel like I can't relax at home because if she's not already on me it wont be long til she is. We do lots as a family together, get out and about and show them things in the world, I take a big interest in their schooling and friendships etc but I just don't seem to be able to meet her need. I'm at a loss.

Make more time to reward good behaviour
“oh you have been quiet two minutes that’s great - so you want a hug”

We don't have a big enough garden for a trampoline - friends have them nearby and I always think how great it would be as she can be on there hours! She just has boundless energy.

How old is your daughter? How is she now?

She is very physically active with lots of different things she enjoys (as long as she isn't having a meltdown and refusing to go) she also has music and enjoys art. I think she's doing about as much as we could add in to her life but she just doesnt stop or get tired.

I just don't know how to help her be calmer and have some downtime because I've googled and tried a lot of things but it doesn't result in lasting change. She will sit and draw sometimes and she can hold attention to tasks she wants to be doing but she doesn't seem to be able to entertain herself without bouncing about and being noisy, talking and buzzing about. It's like she just can't hold the energy in and it bursts out! Dinner, for example is dominated by her talking and wriggling and getting up to move. We have tried taking turns in conversation, getting her to ask questions about other peoples day etc but it doesn't stick - she just isn't wired to have down time and not be wanting attention.

She isn’t ’wanting attention’ She won’t ever sit down and be still.

She sounds typical ADHD and needs parenting differently. Medication would calm her down.

Someone mentioned Russel Barkley up thread. He’s brilliant. He describes the amaglyda in adhd as full of holes. When medication is introduced it plugs all these holes. This makes the individual calmer and more focused.

She’s not being naughty, she’s just wired differently. ADHD meds transformed my dd from school refuser to top university in 18 months..

Hey OP I have 2 DC (DD11 and DS10) who are a quite different, but a combination of how you describe your daughter. DD is positive, happy, a performer, funny, great company, but wants to be around me all the time. DS is unable to entertain himself (unless on a screen, which gives me tonnes of stress), but is subject to meltdowns and constantly telling me he is bored. He plays football 6 days a week and still not calm.

Common denominator is that both are loud AF. I’ve always said it’s like we’re hosting a kid’s party every single day with the amount of noise they collectively produce.

DS has been diagnosed formally with ADHD, along with my husband. I strongly suspect DD has it too. I struggled for years with the mental toll it took on me, but feel like I’ve come to a place of acceptance these days. It’s hard and you have my sympathy.

Thank you, I was just trying to describe her when I wrote attention seeking as I don't know another way to put it! She finds focus on things hard like I'll ask her to put her pajamas on a brush teeth and I have to keep reminding then she gets cross. She does seem to get distracted easily too and I agree she's not being naughty I wouldn't describe it that way, it runs deeper than that

8/9 year olds can be bigger pains in the arse than toddlers OP. There is likely nothing wrong with her.
Just create boundaries and don't be afraid to say 'no'. And you are the parent. You decide whether or not she turns music off or does homework,

EVERYONE with ADHD (and probably everyone without but that's another matter), diagnosed or not, is "labelled".

In OP's daughter's case, she's got the label "attention seeker".

Some of my labels were: lazy, careless, disorganised, unmotivated, slapdash, messy, random, difficult, anti-social, dominating, too much, loud, unladylike, impulsive...that's just a few of them.

Getting the diagnosis didn't make me feel like I was the problem, it made me feel like finally I was NOT the problem and could release myself from the belief that I was a bad and unlikeable personality.

OP, as a parent of 2 kids, one diagnosed with ADHD, one suspected, you can say no and it won't destroy her life. "Sorry, I'm busy/ resting right now, go and play somewhere else," and "You need to play quietly in the house or go outside if you need to run around," and "If you keep turning up the volume on that speaker/ toy/ TV I will need to take it away until you can use it without disturbing people," are all phrases that my kids have heard and have not traumatised them- and infinitely better than waiting until you are so overstimulated you can't cope and blowing up or regimenting and scheduling the household to within an inch of it's life so she's too exhausted to ask for attention.

she has energy we can't match, doesn't seem to take cues well that we are busy sometimes and doesn't have boundaries

It is not her job to pick up on "cues" that you are busy. It is your job to explicitly and clearly tell her to go away because you are busy. You as the parent are the one who needs to have boundaries, not her.

I would implement a new pattern - tell her and her sister that every day from X time to X time (a fixed 30 mins same time every day) you will be taking some time to yourself, and you are not to be disturbed.
Remind them when the time comes. Either they both go to their rooms to play (if they have separate rooms), or you go to your room. (Don't make them both stay in the same room if they share a bedroom, as that would be asking for trouble).
If you currently use being sent to their room as a consequence, stop doing that, let the memory of that fade, and in the meantime you have your quiet time in your room; it is important that they don't think they are being punished, just that you are asserting your needs because you a person who has needs.

Then if they disturb you during that time, implement your usual consequences for misbehaviour.

This is of course in addition to seeking a potential diagnosis and relevant medication.
If she has ADHD, you need firmer boundaries, not weaker.

I knew someone would get right in there with a diagnosis.

I would normally agree with you but when someone specifically says they are struggling with how hyperactive and inattentive their child is it's not a massive jump to say, "Might they have that condition characterised by being hyperactive and inattentive?"

I do think she needs to have boundaries though and be taught them and learn about this and how to have them around people, that's an important part of social development. We have tried so many times to set them but it doesnt compute. I tell her I need space and sometimes she'll take that and others she'll go annoy her sister so I have to come to her. I'm tired of it becuase I don't know what to do as I feel we've tried all the obvious things.

@Hurumphh

not my thread so don’t want to hijack. I would love to know more about getting things wrong and the feelings of rejection and disconnection. As another PP said, your post was really helpful (to me).

OP, DD sounded a lot like yours at the same age (´force of nature’ was the description her grandfather used but at times it was like she was on coke!) At 13, she’s a lot calmer (some hope for OP!) but has had a lifelong issue with being ‘wrong’ and it’s more pronounced at secondary as the effort and difficulty levels increase. I would like to try to understand what it’s about as I can see it potentially leading to academic trouble. I am at a stage where I don’t want to suggest anything because it’s met with polite but silent and determined opposition.

Maybe we’ve lived through it and recognise the symptoms eh?

Maybe we’ve seen what happens at secondary school to undiagnosed adhd?

People with ADHD often have RSD. Rejection sensitivity dysphoria.

Also mine won’t answer questions quite often. Mixture of overwhelm, demand avoidance and anxiety.

I've no idea where this comes from but it seems deep rooted. She did mention being laughed at at school for being wrong before but it seems more that that. I've explained being wrong is normal and everyone is wrong sometimes and given examples of when ive been wrong at work and it was really embarrassing (used embarrassed to show solidarity as she was) It seems to be affecting her wanting to improve and learn. She's at expected standard but surely she'll start lagging behind if she stays on this course. Has your DD got ADHD? Forever trying to work out if it's a personality thing or something more.

She sounds very similar to DS’s 11yo friend who we’ve known since she was a baby. She was diagnosed with ADHD in year 6. I don’t know what strategies her parents use but they did have their parenting checked as the first stage of the assessment.

If she has ADHD it makes no difference telling her about boundaries.

Been there, tried that. Tried everything.
Didnt work.

I wanted mine to have boundaries. Tried everything. Every.single.thing.

She gets them now at 19. No idea about them until about 14.

In line with the reactions to being wrong: how is she when she has seen something you have tentatively said could happen as a hard promise that is either fulfilled to the letter, or broken by a parent?

Such as an ad hoc 'You can finish watching this and then go to bed a bit later' but then once that time has gone, would insist that she then gets a chapter's reading time because this is a standing 'promise' about getting into bed on normal nights?

The being wrong thing sounds like a form
of social anxiety

How much exercise does she get? At that age my DS was like a sheepdog and need a good hour a day of running around to burn off the excess energy. Regardless of whether she has ADHD can you get her out to a playground or for a bike ride or a run every day? My DS did martial arts, gymnastics, football and swimming every week and would have done more if we’d had the time and budget for it!

Your DD likes being busy and likes interacting with people. Some kids just have a huge capacity for it. Can you arrange play dates, after school activities, trips? Anything that will get that brain and body to release all that energy she has.