Attention seeking daughter driving me insane!

[Rosie1990]

My daughter is 9 years old and is driving me mad with her attention seeking behaviour! She just wants some sort of attention or company all the time and I just can't do it. She can play nicely with others when has friends over and is close to her little sister which is nice but lots of the time she is in my face kind of hanging around asking what we can do next and this can be after a full day out where we've done loads. She seems to have boundless energy and is a sparky child who you could put on the stage and whilst I don't want to necessarily kill off this spark and energy I must admit I find it utterly exhausting to deal with it alongside everything else we have to do as parents. She's also quite a loud person, talks constantly, asks a million questions and even when she's off playing with her sister it's crazy, running about the house, jumping around, putting music on etc. If she's told to calm down she gets cross and will lash out at her sister verbally causing her to be upset - this is clearly to me another way to get attention. I'm exhaused with it all, as is my husband. There are often dramas going on at school like fallings out in the group then they seem fine when I see them together, she'll often refuse clubs then have a meltdown because she missed it. I just don't know how I can meet her energy, I feel like I can't relax at home because if she's not already on me it wont be long til she is. We do lots as a family together, get out and about and show them things in the world, I take a big interest in their schooling and friendships etc but I just don't seem to be able to meet her need. I'm at a loss.

Loads, she does an active club 4 nights a week and we're an active family so often hike and be out doing something at the weekend. She would do more too! I don't actually find that doing this calms her down but if she doesn't go out or do much on a weekend she ramps up and up as the day goes on.

We do as much as I can with her and we are a busy family but it never seems to tire her out. We could climb a mountain then she'll ask whats next as soon as we're down (this has happened) I am active but this is too much for me, it's the constantness of it that is wearing me down.

Oh do give over. It’s not a diagnosis. It’s a steer, driven by my own diagnosis and that of three of my children and one sibling.

I’m prepared to have my arse handed to me here but anyway…

The treatment for ADHD is often based around heavy duty stimulants. It feels counterproductive but it’s just the way the neural pathways work. What is she like after a couple of cups of espresso? Or a full can of redbull or similar? If you haven’t tried this, it might be worth considering, and closely observing. And whilst of course coffee and redbull isn’t generally recommended for kids, as a one off experiment it won’t do any harm and may make things clearer.

Coca Cola is the best for little kids.

she’s never had coffee or red bull because she’s 9! I don’t see the point you’re making - are you suggesting I give her this to see how it affects her? If so that’s a no from me. I doubt they’d treat with stimulants anyway as she’s full of beans already so that doesn’t make sense in her case.

For goodness sake READ about ADHD. Actually read and research about it. As I said in my post, it seems counter intuitive but ADHD first line treatment in children ARE stimulants. And yes, I’m absolutely suggesting try her with some short acting stimulant like coffee or redbull bull because it may well calm her down or allow her to focus.

That was the point I’m making.

I don’t appreciate being shouted at to read and do research. I only questioned why you suggested that as I didn’t understand what you were getting at about stimulants and saw it as counter intuitive. Please consider your tone and how you are speaking if you would like to further comment on this thread

Stimulants are the main form of medication for ADHD.

They work and really calm them down. They replace the missing dopamine.

Adults often self medicate with energy drinks or caffeine. It has the same effect.

Consider my tone? You’ve just dismissed out of hand and with no research or experience, the main treatment for ADHD and also assumed that it’s an unlikely notion which you’re refusing to even try anyway. I even said in my post “it feels counterproductive.” Your post simply rammed home how you haven’t even done a cursory glance at ADHD, and it doesn’t sound like you want to, tbh.

Op I feel the phrase ‘attention seeking’ should be retired, and replaced with ‘connection seeking’. The former has such negative connotations as if it is wrong. Don’t get me wrong, I hear you that your daughter can be exhausting in that she seems to be looking for a lot of input from you. But I just feel the reframing of ‘she is seeking some connection here’ can help to offer more quality interaction and try to meet that need more fully. As I think when kids go on and on, there’s something they are looking for and they will keep at it until they feel it’s met. Doesn’t mean we give them what they want but we can try to connect with what they are feeling.

She sounds awful.

That’s a possibility but, as Russell Barkley says, if it’s ADHD then it’s a neurological difference which makes setting an intention much more difficult. So when that’s framed as “connection seeking” then it won’t help because the child literally can’t focus for long enough to connect. Barkley suggests it’s helpful to think of it as “intention deficit disorder.”

You sound rude.

No she sounds like a child. You on the other hand…do.

My daughters gym club is full of kids like this they train for 15hrs a week minimum even the young ones from 7- 8yrs old plus many do other sports on top for fun. Mine did 3 sports at a high level until 16, plus a job plus high level education. She was also the baby that never slept through the night until aged 5. Sounds very much like ADHD type of personality. Structured sport can really help with routine, yes adhd drugs sound counter intuitive as they are often stimulates. Aged 8 is key point in girls as their hormones start to ramp up pre-puberty which can increase these behaviours. Have a read up, keep a diary for a couple of weeks of triggers or patterns see if there are any environmental things that increase or reduce behaviours. Go have a chat with your GP about right to choose assessments for adhd.

My grandson was exactly like your daughter.It was exhausting.As soon as one story,game,walk,fun time was over he was on to the next thing not even a break.Over and over explaining in half an hour we will be do whatever.Constant talking,messing around,very loud them meltdowns when it all went wrong for him.Diagnosed with ADHD and Asd in primary school.He as a teen now is very vulnerable and unpredictable finds friendships difficult.He is under a child psychologist and medicated which makes life easier.Imust add he is lovely boy but my it is exhausting.It is up to you if you want to have her accessed at least you will have an answer..

My DH has ADHD. For the first hour of the day, he does not, and cannot, shut up. It’s like he has a head full of thoughts and ideas that he had to tell me immediately. Then he takes his meds, has a shower and is able to go about his day. His own description is that his head is “fizzy”, but I’ve heard others describe it as having a head full of excited toddlers in a ball-pit. DH was diagnosed as an adult, but has had his fizzy head as long as he can remember and would have had a much easier time at school, if had had a diagnosis and understanding sooner.

My advice is firstly to keep an open mind and to remember that a lot of intelligent, successful, funny people are neurodivergent. Being clever doesn’t rule out a diagnosis.

Secondly do some reading, Finally Focused is a good read and Add-Vance have some useful parenting strategies. Your DD may not have ADHD or any other condition, but zero harm will come from trying strategies designed to help children with ADHD.

Thirdly - do consider the option of an ADHD assessment. Unfortunately, waiting times are appalling which is another reason to try all of the non-medication techniques as a first line. If they work, that’s great. If not, at least you are on the waiting list.

My adhd kid was constantly seeking attention.

She had plenty of connection. All the time. Should parents just keep giving until exhausted? Her brain is wired differently.
Despite giving her non stop attention or ‘connection’, the only thing that changed this exhausting treadmill was medication.

They can be bottomless pits.

Have a read about Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) which is a well recognised feature of ADHD - and it seems especially prominent for girls with ADHD -
so homework being difficult because if she gets it wrong she will feel the teacher has judged her negatively, same with asking her to do tasks if she finds it hard then she feels she has failed and that leads to her feeling that others will reject her. Honestly, it makes so much sense when that “behaviour” is understood from the perspective of anxiety or worry that others will think negatively/reject you. Even the slightest change of tone of voice where I sound mildly irritated is enough to provoke a big reaction. Hope this is helpful.

I did ask her teacher when DD was about nine if they thought ADHD or ADD was possible because they said she tended to be inattentive - though not at all disruptive in class - just staring out the window, watching others, or mind elsewhere. Rushed her work and made mistakes with stuff she already knew. Like, just to get it out of the way ASAP. They said no, definitely not. I’ve heard it said girls are less likely to be diagnosed because they are less likely to draw negative attention by their behaviour. She’s on target too, for the time being, and advanced in languages, which interestingly is the only thing she’ll listen to me about, and which she doesn’t seem to mind getting wrong. Possibly because she’s one of the best at it. The recalcitrance about mistakes is more about schoolwork than anything else.

She likes to be fully engaged, mind and body.
Like your DD she tends towards the argumentative if she’s not kept moving 😂 She also always wants to be onto the next thing. She is a keen sportswoman, plays an instrument and is in many extra-curriculars. Just like your DD, loved play which involved adult engagement and something to ‘do.’ So jobs were play too. I reckon she’d have been perfect born into a farming family or similar. She is also punctual, reliable and efficient and has been cooking alone for a few years. The mistakes thing may be part of that mindset, I suppose. Her catchphrase as a toddler was ME DO IT!

I suppose what I’m saying is that some kids apparently boundless mental and physical energy can be a huge positive when it’s channelled. I did like what the PP said about kids seeking connection. When small, any attention was good attention for DD and she was a little dynamo. Lockdown was wild! As you say, it could be ND in some form, or can be some people’s innate personality.

Thankfully, not all children are like this. That behaviour is not synonymous with the word ‘child’.
I feel very sorry for the parents who have to deal with it.

I wonder if all of the activities she's doing, plus school is actually all too much?

It seems natural to fill an energetic child's time with activities but if she's seeking connection it might not help.

Would she snuggle up with you with a favourite soft toy or a weighted toy and just have you and her time once a week? And then same with Dad?

The being laughed at for getting things wrong was something that stuck with me from very young. I would actually have words with her teachers to make sure that's not happening and to address it with the class if needed. A turning point for me was when I did finally tell a teacher, he said flat out he'd never let that happen in his classroom which really helped.

This may be a very basic and nonsense point to make but…. Have you looked at her diet? If she’s always on the go is she having too much free sugar (this can include fruit juices beyond one 150ml serving per day, honey, smoothies, added sugar in snacks and sugary drinks). If she is that could be contributing to her endless energy and could be reduced.

Children aged 9 should be having no more than 5g of free sugar per day.