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Parenting

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Original poster

I think I am in danger of being a toxic parent

84 replies

OrmIrian · 03/06/2008 18:11

Not wishing to belittle the use of the word as I know many people use it here, but I can't think of any other way of putting it. I am a constant disappointment to my DD. I am so proud of her, anyone would be, she is intelligent, pretty, hard-working, popular and to everyone else she is kind and compassionate - just not to me. She is a perfectionist and I am not perfect. I am always too disorganised, I am never available for school trips or to help in class, she hates it that our lives are often a bit hectic. DH thinks I imagine it but he hasn't seen the way she looks at me sometimes. Our relationship has never been easy in the way it is with my sons.

We had an argument in the car on the way to her climbing club. She refused to talk to me when she got out and will probably still be sulking tonight. I cried on the way home I will apologise and she will grudgingly accept my apology but if I try to explain how she hurt me she will sulk some more.

I just know that in 9 years time she will out of the door so fast she'll leave scorch marks and never come home. I don't know what to do. I am like I am. I can't change to suit her. What can I do.

OP posts:

Anna8888 · 03/06/2008 18:15

Hmm, hard one, for you but also a bit sympathetic with your DD.

Happy relationships, IMVHO, depend upon reaching a satisfactory compromise so that one can coordinate one's lives. If your daughter is one of the world's very organised achievers and you are a bit chaotic (and that is your temperament), you will both have a lot of accommodating to do.

Never being available for school trips or help in class is a bit tough on a child. Is this due to your work commitments? If so, you can explain this to a rational child.

batters · 03/06/2008 18:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

OrmIrian · 03/06/2008 18:29

yes anna, I work. I cut my hours back so that I can do the school run but can't cut back much more. She knows why and the rational bit of her understands but she still hates it. I am not that disorganised I suppose but with 3 DCs and a job and no help at home I don't have much time for extras.

batters - beleive me I don't think I'm as hard on me as she is. God that sounds self-pitying.

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DarthVader · 03/06/2008 18:31

"to everyone else she is kind and compassionate - just not to me"
that is a classic - after all how can she be perfect all the time?!!

She has a go at you because she knows you love her unconditionally and she needs to let stuff out at someone.

Do some stuff with just the 2 of you tha you both like to do sometimes and understand that you are being a great parent when she kicks back at you!

Cappuccino · 03/06/2008 18:31

you sound like you are stressed to feck and you need to find somehting to calm you down a bit

is that right or am I just projecting myself onto you?

batters · 03/06/2008 18:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Earlybird · 03/06/2008 18:34

This sounds difficult, and you have my sympathy.

Would it be possible to take a day off work to go on one of her school trips? Certainly work is a priority, but taking a day off could show her that for special occasions you can and will accomodate when possible - and that you want to be there for her.

HonoriaGlossop · 03/06/2008 18:46

i agree with batters - i think you ARE being overly critical of yourself and that she is unconsciously picking up on that. Also perhaps you are expecting too much FROM her in emotional terms;

"she will grudgingly accept my apology but if I try to explain how she hurt me she will sulk some more" - i think you are kind of expecting her to make it better for you and she is too young, she just cannot provide that for you; she does not yet have the emotional capacity, and it is worrying for children if they feel in any way that their parents are a little needy. Her sulking is a way of withdrawing from an emotional chat that she is just too young for, IMO.

I'd say don't try to talk to her about how hurt you were etc; you can't MAKE her develop empathy to your hurt, I really think the best way to encourage it is to BE empathetic yourself, which you clearly are; so in time she will pick up on it.

Also I wouldn't apologise too much. It's giving her all the cards and power which again at her age is actually worrying for children. You BOTH had an argument; don't apologise! Many parents would even be a little stuff on seeing her again "feeling better, now are we?" rather than "I'm sorry darling!"

I agree that you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. You are clearly a loving and involved mum who does ALL that she can for her children; be strong in that you are doing more than enough for her - you don't have to feel bad.

My mum could never come to school stuff either; she was a teacher. Don't feel guilty; you give in other ways.

Original poster

OrmIrian · 03/06/2008 18:50

Thanks for all the responses. Much appreciated.

earlybird - I am taking some time off to go to her athletics competition. I know I had to prioritise her for a while but it's hard when she just seems to want to have a go at me.

darthvadar - I used to think she was testing me. But maybe you are right. I'm a safe target - as I should be I guess.

capuccino - yes that sounds about right! Life doesn't have much more room in it right now.

batters - her friend popped round when she got back so the crisis has passed. I think we will just forget all about it.

OP posts:

Cappuccino · 03/06/2008 18:51

orm in that case I heartily recommend subscribing to this woman's podcasts

Acinonyx · 03/06/2008 19:11

I think many mother-daughter relationships are prone to tension just because that's the way it often goes for mothers and daughters. You can compromise, be more available whatever, and it may help - but there may still be a tension in your relationship which needs to run it's own course as she grows up, and hopefully will adjust as or when she becomes an adult.

I had a very difficult relationship with my mother and there were many solid reasons for that that won't be repeated with dd. But it also seems to me that she would have had tension with any daughter and I would have had tension with any mother - no matter how compatible we were. I'm bracing myself to experience this with my own dd - I so hope that I won't - but if she is like I was growing up then I think it will be inevitable to some degree.

Not sure if that makes you feel better or worse!

scanner · 03/06/2008 19:19

Could you get her on side by asking for her help in getting you more organised. Ok, you still won't be able to help in class etc but she could help gather together whatever bits are needed for clubs/school etc, remind you of forms that need to be handed in etc. Perhaps it would apeal to her perfectionist side and help her to understand how much you have to do too.

Quattrocento · 03/06/2008 19:19

Ormy I have a much easier relationship with my son than with my daughter. My daughter is lovely and clever and popular and sporty and kind to everyone except me (and DH too a bit but not to the same extent). We had a bit of a breakthrough recently - she genuinely thought I loved DS more than her - because I didn't tell him off as much as I do her (because he doesn't do the naughty things she does). We talked it through and I just keep emphasising how much I love her and keep telling her so and she's been much more tractable since. Just my story. Hope it lasts. Hope it helps.

xxx

Original poster

OrmIrian · 03/06/2008 19:25

quattro - I will try to praise her more. She loves being praised but tries very hard to hide it. I often do - TBH she is pretty amazing IMO so it's not hard to find an excuse. I hope what you say is true - I don't want to lose her the minute she's old enough to go.

scanner- she does that already for herself but won't help with the boys. She expects them to sort themselves out

OP posts:

thelittlestbadger · 03/06/2008 19:32

Just to add, the fact that you have difficulties with her know DOESN'T mean that you will as she gets older. At the moment you're the main person for her to kick against IYSWIM but later there will be boyfriends, more involved friends etc and she will be able to come back to you knowing that you are always there. You will need to keep the lines of communication open.

If it helps, my mum always had a very difficult relationship with my DSis who used to claim that her friends were her real family and she didn't care about any of us. Fast forward 5 years, Dsis went to live abroad and was very miserable, friends all turned out to be lazy feckers who couldn't be bothered to keep in touch so she started talking to mum. Sis now lives in S.America but still speaks to mum most nights and they are now very close - bit extreme but you get my meaning!

purpleduck · 03/06/2008 20:04

Agree with Darthvader and Honoria

Stop feeling so guilty, and stop giving her aall the power.

Did you READ your post? (I am not having a go BTW ) You are berating yourself because you cannot go on school trips, but you DO pay for and take her to other activities that many children can only DREAM of doing.

Time to start evaluating yourself in a more positive light, and POINTING OUT your positives to your daughter.

All kids take for granted what they get, and focus on what they don't. Doesn't mean you really ARE lacking.

Good luck!

Doodle2U · 03/06/2008 20:09

Hmm, so she thinks you are lacking but she thinks you are perfectly good enough to take her to climbing club? Orm, start pointing out ALL you do for her and make sure she realises she is bloody lucky to have you as her mother.

FairyMum · 03/06/2008 20:17

I have a 9 year-old DD too. They can be 9 going on 35 sometimes and very critical of their mothers I think. This is the age where they sometimes start to distance themselves from their mothers as women if that makes sense?

FairyMum · 03/06/2008 20:18

By the way - you sound far from a toxic parent. Are they not the ones who are critical of their children? Is this not the other way around in your case?

beansontoast · 03/06/2008 20:25

agreed totally with ms honoria gossip...(my mum was a teacher too!)

Countingthegreyhairs · 03/06/2008 20:40

Orm - you have far more experience with dc than me so shouldn't be posting really but ...

... fwiw ...I had a really dreadful relationship with my mother who never attended things (even though she was a sahm) never apologised, never explained, and was pretty much unapproachable if I needed help.

The point is, I never dared make my feelings known about how I felt about her because I would have been too terrified about her reaction!

I agree with Darth and HG and others ... it is a good sign that she feels able to express her perceived "unhappiness" with you ... it means you are "safe" and if she is a perfectionist and kind to everyone, that outlet (unfortunately for you!!) is probably very valuable to her.

Doesn't mean it is justified though at all ... far from it ...

Also, you are showing her how the real world is and how it works - perfectionism isn't always the best route - she has the great example of you, juggling a job, a home and three dcs, not in a perfectionist way but in a "real way" - and being a loving and concerned mother - that is going to be so very valuable to her in future.

Don't be so hard on yourself!!

findtheriver · 03/06/2008 20:57

The fact that she feels she can be critical shows she feels comfortable with you. Sorry, that's not much comfort now, but I think it's true. Your family life sounds totally and utterly normal! During the course of my professional life, I've come across some very dysfunctional family relationships, and believe me, they sound nothing like yours!!
Children also have a way of throwing at you things that actually they are probably proud of anyway. I remember one of my dds once complaining about the fact that I had an evening work meeting , and then overhearing her proudly telling her friend who was staying over 'Oh mum's off out in a minute, she's a XXX (my profession) and has a really important meeting you know!!'
It's all very normal stuff. Try not to stress, because the more you do, the more she'll sense it and the relationship will become strained. Just chill, accept that you and your dd will always clash over some things because, hey, you are both individuals, she is not some clone of you, and accept that what you have is a lovely normal family

pointydog · 03/06/2008 21:12

Hey, orm, climb out of the hole. You're really putting yourself down - it sounds almost like self flagellation - and it's just not justified.

You both might have different characters but that's not something to feel guilty about. SO you can't help at any school trips, well, tough. Loads of parents can't. You're a good parent and you shouldn't let yourself feel miserably apologetic for trivial reasons.

I think you need to show more confidence and happiness with yourself to your daughter.

(What was the argument in teh car about?)

Janni · 03/06/2008 21:16

You do not sound like a toxic parent. You sound like a parent with a rather stressful lifestyle, whose daughter would like you to give her your undivided attention.

MuchLessTiredNow · 03/06/2008 21:19

Hey my lovely lovely MNer, She is 9! at that age they long to slice the umbilical cord with a scalpel. You are doing the best you can, and it is NOT all about her. You could be the most self sacrificing mother in the world and she would still find fault with you. ( I speak from a bit of experience as the daughter - to my shame- in that role). Is she being abused? Deprived? Starving? NO! ride the waves my love and accept that she will test you and please believe this does not reflect on your parenting skills. BIG hug

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