DD suspected ADHD and I'm perimenopausal

[leakycauldron]

Every day constant battles. I constantly feel overwhelmed and in a bad mood, feel like I'm constantly nagging DD but she also constantly picks a fight rather than do any of the things she's asked to do.

She's only 9 bless her, but god it's so fucking hard sometimes.

Worry I'm ruining our relationship with the battles but then worry she will get more behind at school if she doesn't do her spellings/reading. She'd rather battle with me for 2 hours than do 10 minutes of either.

Im just at a loss of what to do!

Aah, this could have been me 5 years ago. I feel your pain.

The first thing I would say is that doing her spellings is the LEAST of your worries right now. Let it go. Especially if you are in the process of assessment etc.

Consider what you really need done. Homework was a huge issue for us. I discussed with his teacher. She said to do what we could. We also found that while it was torture, once we finally got him sat down, he was quite good at then staying for at least an hour. So we didnt even attempt daily or regular homework - rather we aimed.for once a week and do as much as we could in that session. I would get all the materials ready. I would ask him to come. We would go through that a few times. I might lay out a drink and a snack to get him to the table. I tried v hard not to get annoyed - doing this while doing other things so that I was less impatient and frustrated helped - eg starting dinner prep.

I think the trick is to accept you have to do a great deal of the work to keep her calm . That makrs it easier for her to start concentrating.

Thanks so much for replying.

The waiting list for assessment is so long, will be atleast another year. She has no probs at school so I am slightly worried that will go against us somehow.

She literally has to do 10 minutes that's it. I write out what words she has to learn and she just has to copy them... after arguing and tantrums she may do it but she copies them all wrong.... so it's pointless. If I even suggest she's made a mistake she throws a tantrum.

I've bought nice note books, given treats, tied it to pocket money, having play dates etc etc she'll do it calmly for one day then the next day we are back to tantrums. I find it so frustrating. Some days I can be totally calm and then others I get totally overwhelmed by her screaming and kicking off.

I don't know if she's problem or I am or it's us both!

I would remember how lucky she is, and you both are that you care so much about ‘getting it right’. Maybe she’s hyper focused and masking at school and just doesn’t have it in her.
Is there a better time to do the work if it’s needed- we have a homework club at juniors and most kids do 35 mins of focused work with their peers and the rest is just natural learning. Or do you have a task you could do at the same time so she feels like you aren’t in the teacher role?
Please take from this that there is no right answer and it is tough for you both x

No homework club sadly.

I usually am doing dinner. I write the 5 words in her book and she just copies. I don't mind where or when she does it. Yesterday I asked to copy each one five times, she broke her pen in anger and when eventually she said she'd done she had copied 2 words correctly, the other 3 she coped incorrectly. When I, gently, point that out she ran off screaming her head off.
I don't stand over her, she can do it when she first gets in or later.
I've tried explaining the importance of it and how good she will feel when she does her test and does well. I've said it's hard because she's not suppose to know them on day one, she's just got to try.

But homework is one battle. She won't tidy her room... ever. Doesn't put any rubbish in the bin or flush the toilet.
I honestly just feel like a nagging broken record and I hate it, she hates.
My husband and her can be just as bad and I get dragged into the middle of it too.
I swing from worrying she'll not cope at secondary, she'll fall so far behind and won't ever be able to get a job to it's only spellings, is it worth all us feeling like this....

Is she able to copy the spellings in school or elsewhere? Do you think she might have another learning disability that makes it extremely hard/impossible and that's what she's reacting to?

I would pick your battles, decide your top 3 priorities say and let everything else go for now? try and pick really achievable stuff so she can experience what success feels like, maybe something she does half the time anyway, clear her plate or brush her teeth or whatever and then reward/praise her for that, when she's doing those things reliably, move on?

She has to write her spellings in her book in class but the teacher has to write them again for her.
The problem isn't another disability but the lack of care and the lack of consequences if she doesn't do something.

We used to fight with her to read... it didn't matter if we read to her or she read to us she would kick off every time. Now she does it by herself because if she doesn't she misses break at school.

Spellings, there are no consequences for not doing them. So she doesn't want to. They are bit difficult because they are new each week. She literally doesn't care if she can spell things right or not. Even words she knows not to spell she will spell incorrectly if she's doing a lot of writing because she's rushing to get it over and done with.

We try to make her understand it's important and why she has to do them. We explain it over and over in a multitude of ways.

She's year 5 now and it won't be long till she's in secondary and I am generally really worried that if we do not lock in some sort of homework routine now it's going to get worse and she will fall more behind.

@leakycauldronevery kid is different but over the years things that have worked my kids/ kids I mind:

1. is it the writing? Writing any word 5 times is a bit boring. Could you practice the spellings while throwing a ball? lots of kids like that.

2. I bought identical sweet dispensers you can’t see what is in them and if she gets 3 spellings in a row she gets to pick one of the sweet dispensers. They all have different sweets. Once I put trick sweets in that looked like typical sweets, just to keep the excitement going. .

3. does she like working to a short deadline? One of my kids gets overwhelmed by reading a text and answering 5 questions. We read the text together, he struggled with full stops so we read sentence by sentence. For the questions we tackle them one at a time, the timer goes on for 3 mins and we see what he can deliver. He gets competitive which works. If he is trying really hard but won’t make the time i might pause it so he still wins… I try not to do that often because the time is achievable and he can tell the time. I would hate him to feel cheated if that makes sense.

4. sometimes I suggest we do it in a batch of homework, if there is an event that week eg birthday party/ football match. I have been known to have a glass of wine for myself to get through it and I give him a can of coke.

just in case someone has an idea for me…. there is one thing I struggle to implant and that is writing sentences that don’t miss words. He gets distracted.

i do understand your fears about the future, I have that too and I feel like winning the week is futile. I don’t have any answers, it keeps me awake at night.

There was a boy I minded who just couldn’t concentrate on work at all, definitely the most challenging of all the children I have done homework with. He found academics very stressful and although he had ability his emotional regulation was definitely off. He has finished school and did well enough, he wants to work in construction and is doing a course in something related. I see now he just isn’t suited to academics, even though he is cognitively able he had his own journey in mind. I am just really pleased he is happy.

Ive been in similar position. Once I realised his brain didn’t work the same as mine it was easier. He has a diagnosis now.
with homework he liked the support of having someone sit with him. Sometimes I’d read or do a crossword or some other written task. And just kept him company. Sometimes he liked some help but I was more an observer and companion than a helper or teacher.
with the messy room I tried to get him to focus on the really bad bits… so mugs and bowls needed to be returned to kitchen, any wrappers in the bin, dirty clothes in the laundry. Breaking up the room tidying helped him to tackle it one job at a time “tidy your room” was to vague and overwhelming an instruction . I ignored other stuff. He found it really difficult to organise his stuff so we I spent a lot of time supporting with this. He got very anxious when his stuff wasn’t where he needed it but paradoxically he couldn’t really easily implement systems. And I did years of helping with this but he knows how to tidy up now, how to prep and pack a bag, how to keep important things in one place. But it needed a lot of support.
I also started some hrt and meditation and that helped me. It’s not easy to try and see things from someone else’s point of view, I needed to work hard to stay calm .

Really appreciate everyone's replies it means the world just not be alone in my worries and frustrations.

A lot of stuff mentioned I do already do... so atleast I know I'm on the right track.

She sees a counsellor weekly which we pay for, it has helped her a lot with tantrums etc but I know she is not always honest in her sessions. But sometimes I think it's me that needs to see someone!! 🤣

I don't feel as emotional today as I did yesterday. But I know she had a bad morning this morning so not sure how she'll be coming out of school.

DD did her homework in the mornings before school. Shes an early bird though and would be up at 6am every day at that age. Homework and reading after school never worked for her.

She used to do them in the morning, with my husband as I'm in work early. It was the same thing, constant talk back etc and it wasn't doing their relationship any good so I got her to do it with me in the afternoon....

She does TT rockstars in the morning. Which she does completely fine because she now knows them all so it's not difficult for her.

And sorry I don't want it to seem like I'm dismissing any ideas but I do feel we have literally tried everything!

I could have written this thread myself!! Including every little detail, they are all so familiar to me. My daughter is year 11 now. I know without a shadow of a doubt she has adhd (her dad was diagnosed a few years ago), but because she was better at masking it at school (which girls often are) we couldn’t get the diagnosis when we went private because they said that she had to be showing enough difficulties in two settings, and that there wasn’t enough evidence from school (who messed up the forms anyway). She has been on the waiting list for CAMHS for three years now

she is due to sit GCSEs this year and it’s a nightmare. She is bright, but she can’t focus and can’t retain information. And she battles me on everything. She lives in chaos and is angry all the time

I would recommend getting every piece of evidence you can from school and keeping it safe to bring back out when you do eventually get an assessment.

good luck, and keep battling for her. I know it’s not easy though

I hear you. Hormones rife in our house :(

@Florabella this is my fear that school won't back us up. They have been pretty useless so far.

Her counsellor agrees there is def some neurodiversity there though so until I'm told otherwise I treat her as if she has it.

Our area has 4 grammar schools which means all the other schools around are awful. I dread it. I really think she will struggle. Hopefully I am wrong.

As for pick up today she came out and asked if she tidied her room and did spellings could she have a play date. I said no . She wasn't happy in the slightest.
Had the discussion in the car and said I had clearly told her that play dates etc were off the table until she could at least attempt the things we ask of her. And just doing them to then get what she wants is not on.
She wasn't happy angry, cried, threw a strop when she got in but eventually came and sat and did her spellings with no issue.

Sometimes I can't help but think it's all one big wind up. She can do it when it suits her but when it doesn't she'd rather discuss it for 2 hours then spend 10 minutes just doing the thing we ask!!!

I know some won't agree with the not allowing a play date and I really dislike having to be that parent, however I am coming to realise she will do something when not doing it causes her a problem! I said if she does spellings tomorrow well, and Monday she can have a play date next week. But let's see how long we both last.

Reduce your expectations. Writing out each of the spellings five times in one sitting is a lot for a child with ADHD. If there are genuine concerns about neurodivergence or learning disability impacting her ability to do her schoolwork, is it really fair to deny her play dates because she struggles?

Yep it is boring but she did it!

I'm not sure how to make doing spellings any more exciting. We've tried the ball throwing things and letting her spin round the room while doing them but we realised she was still getting them wrong at school because she wasn't practicing writing them out. So we had to go back to pen and paper.

She finds school boring but still has to go.

I totally get that people would t agree with stopping play dates but sometimes I don't know if it is the ADHD or just her being stubborn. Most of the time she simply doesn't want to do it because it's hard.
We had the same battles with times tables until she got them and now does them no trouble. Again with reading, when she was learning she hated it, she has just sat and read for over 20 minutes while I also read my book.... never did I imagine that would happen!
So what do I do? Do I not encourage her to do the hard things so that she learns now that she is more than capable?

Is she being assessed/on a waiting list?

I would recommend you start reading up/listening to podcasts or audio about ADHD particularly about medication - most people feel a bit anxious about it but it's also the most effective intervention and once you try it most people wish they had tried it earlier. It's just worth figuring out if your concerns are accurate or not before you get to the point of being able to access it (IMO).

In general if you're not having much luck getting her to do something you can make it more fun or make it easier. Make the bites smaller

And it helps to recognise when they are getting into a stressed out state and help them calm down rather than adding to the stress by reacting to their stress behaviours.

Many people with ADHD are like that - will only do things on pain of terrible and awful consequences! Usually at the last minute as well.

It's something to do with the dopamine release/structure in the brain - basically much much much reduced intrinsic motivation. External motivation is likely to be necessary for her her whole life. Something which can help is if you can work with her to get her to put in place systems for herself with this, rather than you being the only arbiter of the external structure, otherwise the problem is that once you stop doing it, the behaviour you were trying to increase stops happening.

She's on the waiting list, went on it in October and it's 18 months long apparently.
But the school doesn't see any of the struggles we have... they say she's behind and needs extra help but that's it. So I don't hold out much hope in them backing us when it comes to assessment.

I do, honestly 90% of the time remain calm but I am human and some days I struggle... hence the mention of the perimenopause. I am def struggling more recently. She is our only child and gets so much attention and focus, she doesn't like to stay at anyone else's house inc grandparents so we get very little respite. Sometimes it's just fucking hard and yesterday was one of those days.

ITA, that expecting DC to tidy their bedroom is too big a task. They don’t know where to start, and get distracted by something else for 5 hours anyway. It’s called task procrastination:

www.google.com/search?q=task+procrastination+in+ADHD&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-gb&client=safari&sei=i0_UaOGCN_GhhbIP1N7HqAw

Chunking is a recommended strategy for ADHD - breaking tasks down into stages. It gives them a feeling of achievement to get one stage done. So, for instance, I’d say to DD (whose bedroom was knee deep in mess)

”Get all your t shirts - put the dirty ones in the laundry basket, and hang up the clean!”

Then go through trousers, dresses, sweatshirts, etc.

Emotional dysregulation (ie emotional ADHD), where they can go from 0 - 10 in ten seconds is also a thing. I’d suggest OP, you try to keep calm yourself. Children with ADHD get something like three times as much criticism as “normal” children, but they are already doing their best. They can develop rejection sensitivity dysphoria - look it up on Google.

When DD got to university, she got extra assistance for her ADHD - work was submitted anonymously, but was marked as SEN. So she got extra time for assignments, and things like spelling/grammar mistakes were ignored. She got study skills mentoring, a Dictaphone for recording lectures, a post grad student to help with research for her dissertation, and an exam room on her own with movement breaks. She also could have had a grant towards a laptop and print cartridges (DSA iirc), if we hadn’t provided them already.

I forgot to say - have you investigated Right to Choose? ADHD runs in our family. I think DS sought a referral for DGD last November. DGD had her assessment privately with a NHS consultant child psychiatrist from an approved list in August - and was diagnosed with severe ADHD.

All the same issues here with DS - now 11 and just started secondary. On waiting list for assessment (primary were supportive so we got a referral). I have two younger DC too, don't show the same profile but all are bright but unbelievably slow and argue about doing every little thing. I am absolutely through the floor with exhaustion and walking on eggshells around them - close to a breakdown as I just can't cope with working full time as well. DH does more than 50 percent so that's not the issue. Just feel I don't understand- none of the kids I knew when I was growing up had these sorts of issues.

@FraterculaArctica

I'm really sorry that sounds so tough I honestly don't know how I would cope if we had more than one kid!

I work "full time" but I start early and finish early and have school holidays off. There is no way things would get done if I didn't. Plus she hates any sort of school holiday club!

Totally understand the eggshells comment. We are the same. We avoid doing or saying things so as not to have an argument. Weekend activities are largely things she wants to do.. not always but a lot. She is also happy doing nothing all weekend but if we suddenly decide we want to go for a walk she will kick off.
If we are not meeting friends etc then she won't want to go. Everything is just how does it benefit her and it's just exhausting sometimes.

I love her to bits, she is so funny and so bright, has a fabulous memory which makes these things all the more annoying as she is totally capable. She is just too damn scared to try.
She loves having friends but refuses to go to any sort of clubs. I just worry she is wasting her life watching TV and playing on iPad all because that's the easy thing to do!

I have the same issue. Adhd DD, I work full time, constantly tired and usually have a migraine.

My main successes have been through time warnings. I don't mean telling off but "we are going to do spelling in 30 mins" "we are going to do spelling in 10 mins* etc. So the transition isn't forced or unexpected.

I then have to incentivise everything. 10 spellings, 10 chocolate buttons or something.

Loads and loads of praise to get the dopamine running. If she does spelling well then mention it at the dinner table - we share what went well/badly every day so I would say "oh and of course DD did fabulously at spelling!" It all helps to put the onus on rewards/praise etc.

I think you need to put your foot down on screen time though. She can't regulate this on her own so needs limits. I would say no TV or screens until all the work has been done to a good standard.