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Parenting

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Original poster

Introducing fact that uncle is gay to 7 year old dd

59 replies

bayleaf · 02/06/2008 20:31

Was intending to leave this till it occured 'naturally' - but is being forced slightly by fact that my brother is having a CP in 2 weeks' time and altho' it is a mini, no guests affair ( he has been with dp for about 15 years) he is coming down to where we live with DP subsequently for the day to take us and dad out to lunch...
Some background info;-
My brother ( DB???) has been 'out' since he was 18 and I was 20 - we get on incredibly well and always have done and him being gay is absolutely not an issue at all and never has been - also has v good relations with dad ( mum dead). Db comes down ( he lives 100 miles away in Manchester) regularly to visit and our 2 dds ( 2 and 7) dote on him, however his partner never comes with him, not because he wouldn't be welcome, I guess it would just be a bit tedious for him in a way that visiting in-laws often is - but in 'straight' situations there are 'protocols' and you can't often get out of visiting without it looking odd...

So DD loves her uncle dearly - has noted that he is not married but does not make a big deal of it ( she is an 'innocent 7 year old, not at all worldly). We have the Babette Cole book 'Mummy never told me' which has same sex partners embracing and I've briefly described gay relationships and she was accepting ( overheard her subsequently telling a 4 year old boy who was saying that 2 boy teddy bears couldn't kiss that they could 'cos sometimes boys can fall in love with each other')
In one way I'd rather wait till she is just slightly older to bring it up ( I like the idea of children as children and slightly resent any 'teenagification' of her - I accept the minimum amount of pop/trendy clothes so that she is not left out - but certainly don't encourage her to be older than she is.) But at the same time I don't have any 'problem' with telling her that her uncle is gay - except in so far as it gets us into sexual territory earlier than I'd prefer.
I think my question is really, should we be upfront and explain who db's partner really is and explain about the CP - OR just let db arrive with his partner, not specifically mention the CP - and see if she picks up on the 'special friendship' ( they're not touchy feely in public - and not at all ''obviously gay' - and if she does, play it by ear....???
I know that db will be happy to play it however we feel best.
Any thoughts or experiences anyone???

OP posts:

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Set a reminder

CountessDracula · 02/06/2008 20:33

My SIL is gay

I have always just said to dd

Some men and women are married
some men are married to men or have boyfriends
some girls are married to girls or have girlfriends

She has never questioned it

CountessDracula · 02/06/2008 20:33

(and it is the truth!)

Earlybird · 02/06/2008 20:34

Agree with CD - just explain that there different kinds of families - traditional, same sex, single parent, etc.

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motherinferior · 02/06/2008 20:35

My daughters have always known that their aunts are lesbians: one aunt is my sister, the other is my sister's partner.

This isn't about sex, it's about love. Tell her they love each other and they're getting married!

MinkyBorage · 02/06/2008 20:36

I have no experience, but in my opinion, I think it will get harder and harder to tell her, the sooner she knows the sooner she'll accept it, and aall the better if it's as soon as possible before the CP (even though I don't know what a CP is! ) good luck

CountessDracula · 02/06/2008 20:37

Civil Partnership!

BoysAreLikeDogs · 02/06/2008 20:37

My elder sister is gay, and we have always been open with both DCs about this.

What CD said.

HTH

jellybeans · 02/06/2008 20:39

My 5 year olds know what being gay is (in simple terms) and they see it as no big deal.

harpsichordcarrier · 02/06/2008 20:39

I agree with MI, it isn't anything to do with sex, but with love
just tell her your db has fallen in love with another man and he's gay
clearly she will understand that. don't make big deal of it, because it isn't a big deal.
why don't you get her to buy them a congratulations card or make one.
there is reasonf or celebration when two people love each other enough to make that kind of commitment

MinkyBorage · 02/06/2008 20:39

Duh! Of course!

Mamazon · 02/06/2008 20:41

why do you have to make it a big discussion?

i would just mention that Db and his partner will be coming down soon as they want to talk about their wedding.
if she asks any questions answer them.

no big deal

GreenElizabeth · 02/06/2008 20:43

Agree with mamazon. Just go to the cp. See what questions she actually has first.

ladytophamhatt · 02/06/2008 20:43

I was going to say I don't think anything shoudl be mentioned because it doesn't really matter when it come down to it but I think if shes 'expecting' a woman to be there for teh CP then I'd mentioned something...nothing direct, kind of an off the cuff comment about 'DB and hsi boyf/partner/husband '

I hope you all have a FAB day.

FrannyandZooey · 02/06/2008 20:45

I would say "uncle X is getting married - did you know two men could get married as well as a man and a woman?"

imparts the basic facts as well as bringing up the whole topic for discussion

2 gay partners getting married is no more a sexual matter than a hetero wedding IMO
I think she will be fine about it and perhaps more accepting that you think

beansmum · 02/06/2008 20:47

I don't really understand why this has to be explained. If your db was arriving with his girlfriend what would you say? Can't you just introduce everyone and introduce your db's partner as his boyfriend or partner or other half or whatever. If you make a point of explaining the situation in advance she will think it's a big deal.

NotABanana · 02/06/2008 20:50

I honestly feel if you don't want to tell her yet, then don't. My son is 7 and I wouldn't want him to grow up too quick either.

He asked me what sex was the other day, having seen a Sex and the City sign. I told him it meant whether you were a boy or a girl as it was another word for gender. He was happy with that.

FrannyandZooey · 02/06/2008 20:50

it's not a big deal to us as adults, but it could be a big deal to a child who hasn't come across this situation before
she may be worried, embarrassed, find it funny, confusing, anything really!
I would explain in advance to avoid any awkwardness that could spoil the special day either for db and partner or for your dd

NotABanana · 02/06/2008 20:51

Looks like I am in the minority then!

Hassled · 02/06/2008 20:52

I think at 7 your DD will just accept it as absolutely normal. My DCs have Uncle X (my DB) and Uncle Y (his partner) - I think they actually prefer Uncle Y. He's been a big part of their lives for years and they have never questioned him (apart from the time DS3's SALT asked who he was and DS3 turned to me and said "What is Uncle Y?" ) - I've told them that some people fall in love with opposites (i.e man - woman), some with the same as them and that's called being gay.

PortAndLemon · 02/06/2008 20:54

I agree with FrannyandZooey. Possibly unless your brother really hates calling a CP a marriage, which I know some people do.

(beansmum it kind of is a big deal, though if bayleaf's brother were marrying a girlfroend it would be odd not to mention it to her DD in advance / before the next time she saw them, and I think the same goes for marrying a boyfriend)

Heated · 02/06/2008 20:59

The pp's suggestions abput telling your dd beforehand, in a completely matter of fact way, are sensible and sensitive. If you didn't tell your dd, I can picture her looking around wondering when the 'bride' was going to make her appearance

beansmum · 02/06/2008 21:03

oh, sorry. Didn't read properly, I thought they were visiting before the CP. But still, what is there to explain? Just say db and his partner X got married and they are coming to visit.

beansmum · 02/06/2008 21:06

I'm not making much sense. I thought they were coming to visit before the CP, which would then come up naturally in conversation after dd had been introduced to db's partner.

micci25 · 02/06/2008 21:08

instead of making a big deal couldnt you just say something like 'are you looking forward to seeing your uncle and his boyfriend marry?' and wait for any questions she has? the more naturally you tell her the less of a big deal it will seem to her.

my dd1's (4) godfather has recently told me that he is gay but i wont have this issue because as soon as dd1 talking about 'marrying' she was told that boys can marry boys and girls can marry girls, i dont think she has quiet got the concept though as she is currently married to me, her dad, her grandad, the boy over the road and her girl cousin.

whomovedmychocolate · 02/06/2008 21:08

Bayleaf - I'd just say they were getting married and some people married men and some women. My DB is gay and we've always been really open with even the younger kids in the family. Kids are really unphased by this stuff mostly.

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