Partner keeps saying our child may be on the spectrum

[ariacoops]

We’ve got a DS who is six, my partner and his family have over the past year started remarking how they believe he is on the spectrum- without really elaborating what that means. They have some knowledge of this in the family, one is an OT and there is a social worker, DH works in charities. I know that sometimes parents can be in denial so I’ve tried to interrogate it in myself but I spend the most time one on one with him and I just don’t see it. He’s very happy, doing very well at school, his teachers have never mentioned anything, he has loads of friends, meeting all his milestones. He gets into arguments with his little brother and has to be told to share a lot - which seems to be the root of why they think he is neurodiverse. But to me coming from a big family it just seems pretty normal. At school he is never in trouble, he enjoys sports and Pokemon which they say is an obsessive interest but to be honest it just seems like something he likes. The other thing they say is he seems to have sensory issues around food - he doesn’t much like mushy stuff but is happy to eg have things on his plate mixed. He’s pretty adventurous with food and eats green veg and sauce etc. He’s vocally affectionate and very cuddly and likes holding hands - my SIL thinks this is strange and potentially also a sign of neurodiversity but she has never been one for hugs herself. And the final thing they say is he is very literal, he gets upset easily if there are any jokes at his expense or sarcasm. But he does like making jokes himself, he loves reading a joke book, and this has been improving ad he gets older. I just think tbh he’s still really little but am I missing something? None of this affecting him in day to day life or at school so what is the point of trying to diagnose him? Any other parents recognise anything here?

There are some things on that list that could indicate he is Autistic, but as you say he’s doing well and he’s happy so I don’t see a need to have him assessed at this point. If he starts to struggle with school, either academically or socially then you could consider it. You could also have a look at some of the screening questionnaires online and answer one as honestly as you can and count up the results yourself. Or you could tell them all thanks for their opinion, but you won’t be taking it any further at the moment. I think it needs both parents to be on the same page with something like this.

A lot of the things you say about your son were true of my autistic son, so I certainly wouldn't dismiss their concerns.

Lots of people are autistic and function in everyday life. It's not a criticism nor a slight. They are merely saying his brain may work a little differently and if so, there are accomodations that can help him.

I don't know if these things point towards autism or not because I don't know much about it. But if one of my kids might have it, I would definitely get it checked out, just because I'd want to understand how their brain works and how to help them better when they struggle.

You could speak to his teacher next parent's evening and ask if they have any suspicions? You could also ask the GP for a referral because the waiting list is so long, by the time you get to the top of it you may be surer one way or the other!

Yes I've tried some of the online quizzes and lots of the things they mention don't seem to really apply to him - he's good at social chitchat, he's always yakking to friends, they play a lot of imaginary games, he gets very emotionally involved in films or books and he can definitely read emotions well on people's faces, he mentions to me things about feelings all the time. That was the main thing that made me think that if it is neurodiversity of some form it doesn't fit the classic autism model. But I'm not an expert at all and I want to be aware of my own bias so maybe it is worth talking to a teacher about. He hasn't had his current one very long.

Tbh sounds perfectly normal to me, sounds like my son and he is 13 and now and not ND he also had an ‘obsession’ with Pokemon has collected hundreds of cards and puts them in little wallets and binders etc but lost interest as he got older, most 6yo don’t understand sarcasm well or like jokes at their expense in my opinion but can still find jokes funny so i don’t understand how that points to autism? 🤷🏻‍♀️ and sibling rivalry at that age can be high and they always hate having to share with a sibling so im not sure what the ‘issue’ is there either, vocally affectionate and cuddly at 6 is also normal… my 13yo son still tells me he loves me and gives me a hug goodnight or goodbye everyday, im not seeing any issues here OP sounds like a lovely lad 👍🏻 xx

My 11yo DS has ASD and ADHD, diagnosed last year - what is sonetimes described as “high functioning”. Age 6 he just presented as a little bit quirky.

He’s chatty, imaginative, bright, cries at sad movies, loves a cuddle, very adaptable to change - lots of stuff that used to have me thinking “nah he can’t possibly be autistic”. I filled in the online checklists and they didn’t suggest he was autistic.

I initially thought he just had ADHD (I am diagnosed and recognised his “head in the clouds” tendencies and struggles with executive function) but there I had enough question marks to look into ASD too and he ended up diagnosed with both.

He is a truly fabulous kid and I wouldn’t change a thing about him.

Maybe your DS could have ASD, maybe not but it doesn’t change him and many people with ASD don’t fit the stereotype.

I think you should keep an open mind. No need to rush to have him assessed if he's fine at the moment, but equally it's possible he's autistic based on what you've said, and he may start to find things harder, or may simply want a diagnosis for himself when he gets older. Or he might not.

Either way, you don't need to do anything different but I'd try and shift your mindset slightly from "no, I know him best and don't think so", to "maybe, I'll keep it under review and see how things change as he grows" because the latter is where I think he's at based on what you've said and what your partner's family think.

I think ypur nearly describing my son. Ww are starting to look into ASD so I would be open to that if I was you. I've thought my ds my ve on spectrum for a while but dh was in denial, sone of my family who work in childcare etc also picked up on bits. Be open to it- read about it etc there's such a wide spectrum on the spectrum!

Sometimes I think that as a society as a whole we seem to be forgetting what is normal behaviour in children. And the fact of the matter is, a lot of children have ‘quirks’ as children that they then grow out of and are not a sign of autism or anything else.

He sounds totally normal to me. I hated certain foods next to others as a child, eg anything very wet next to something like mashed potatoes, as the wet thing would make the potato soggy. Same with tomatoes in sandwiches. I also used to get upset at jokes at my expense, while much enjoying jokes aimed at my sibling… these things are normal for young children.

This .

I have one child diagnosed with ASD and one who her teacher has said may possibly be neurodiverse. I noticed differences from toddler age and their teachers noticed differences as soon as they started reception and spoke to us about it.

I will say that there is virtually no practical support available after a diagnosis. But it sounds like your child doesn’t need much anyway?

I am still glad my son has the diagnosis as it has given me some answers, or reasons, for the problems we have (meltdowns, school work difficulties, huge emotions that result in me being hit or screamed at). And it may help him in the future and give him a community to identify with. If my child was not experiencing difficulties, I wouldn’t see much benefit of going through the long nhs diagnosis process

If he is happy and getting on well with school work and socially I don’t see any issue. At the end of the day we are all different and lots of people will be a little bit on the spectrum. If he doesn’t need to have any allowances made there is no reason to take this further.
As with any child you will keep observing as he grows up and respond if any issues arise.

Definitely sounds like they could be.

It also goes on how he was when he was younger. For instance my autistic dd didnt crawl or roll. Didnt make eye contact. Didnt need to be rocked to sleep or have hugs to fall asleep . Or in the day . She didnt like most people . Didnt want to be touched. Didnt interact with anyone. Didnt share. Or speak till she was nearly 5. And even now its very limited and to only some people. Would instantly try to put her hand in her nappy as soon as done a poo to spread it everywhere. Night terrors. Completely indifferent to her baby sister.
Spent most of her time in primary school hiding or running out of the classroom as it was all to much for her . Very limited food wise.
I could go on .
But you could speak to the school and see if they see anything .

I think you have a very sensible approach. Why medicalise your son when he is doing so well anyway? I would ask your husband/husband's family what they hope to achieve by repeatedly giving him that label

At 6 I had no idea with DS. I wouldn't be too concerned at this point though, especially if he's happy and doing well. See how he is doing as he approaches secondary school, the gap in emotional maturity can start to really widen then and things can become more obvious.

The difference for my DS is he didn't grow out of his quirks, he grew into them. Everything started to become a bit more obvious as he got to late primary stage.

But it was helpful for us when it came to the diagnostic process to be able to talk about the signs that had been their earlier - if there was no evidence from earlier childhood and he'd suddenly changed, that would suggest a very different diagnosis.

For us the diagnosis doesn't make a huge difference to anything, he's still the same child after all. But it's helped us understand him and parent and support him better. It's helped him understand himself - there's a reason he sometimes feels he doesn't quite fit in, or finds certain things a bit difficult. And it's helped us advocate for him at school - he's the kind of child who will slip under the radar.

So I agree there's no immediate need to label anything, but there's no disadvantage to having an open mind.

DC2 got an autism and ADHD diagnosis at age 20 and dyslexia at 18 (after A-levels).

The secondary school ran some screeners on tbem for autism, ADHD, OCD and a few other conditions age 16 or 17 and all came back as normal.

During secondary school, from about y8, DC2 had terrible anxiety.

They seemed totally normal all through primary school.

It is not always easy to spot neurodivergence. If you are neurodivergent, is much better for long term health and wellbeing to have a diagnosis.

This is great advice thank you, I think the thing to keep tracking is whether any of these current quirks start to develop into things that seem to be getting more obsessive or holding him back in some way. Tbf to my in laws and DH they don’t really suggest doing anything about it, they just quip about it a lot. He was lining up his Pokemon cards and my SIL just raised her eyebrows and looked at me. I think it’s a bit weird behaviour from them but I won’t let that stop me trying to keep an open mind.

He sounds like a lovely kid. I'm an OT myself and I've worked with children for a long time, and getting into arguments with your little brother, having to be told to share, getting upset if someone makes fun of you, not liking every single food and being affectionate are all extremely common and ordinary behaviours in children, and aren't indicative of autism or any condition. Because autism and adhd as well have become very well known now and a lot of people are getting diagnosed, it can lead to some people thinking they see it everywhere, which could be what's happening with your partner and his family. I know a few people who seem to think every other person they meet has adhd or autism, which seems unlikely to be true! If anything changes in the future you can always worry about it then. 🙂

I'm all for helping people who need it and recognizing differences in how our brains work..

But, I do struggle to see the point in a diagnosis if (if!) a person is going great. If, as you say, he is going well at school, well with friends, well at home, on track, meeting milestones, tick tick tick etc.

Then why worry? Maybe he is autistic? If so, when it manifests in a way that requires help, get help and a diagnosis. But if he is doing great, functioning perfectly and requiring no adjustments or extra support, then no need for anything else.

These days I look back ok my childhood and I remember the more "regular" children, then the ones who were slightly more different or weird in some way - including me - but could get along just fine, and then the third group that were different and couldn't get along fine, which included a few very good friends of mine.

I worry that medicalizing the second group does them no service, and actually stretches the resources that the third group so desperately needs.

All of the "weird" but perfectly functional kids - including me - grew up to be perfectly functional "weird" adults.

Maybe for your son things will change and your family will be right, and your son will begin to struggle and need support - but if so do it then, not when things are going very well for him.

This is what I have been saying to them! We are all different and have different likes and dislikes and I worry we are becoming as a society obsessed with labelling what are essentially just different personalities. Being slightly weird is ok! We’ve all got weird tastes. There are also obviously wonderful people who do need extra help and support and coping mechanism because their brains function differently to the way our system is currently set up. But I guess in many ways we are all somewhere on a spectrum…

We’re in exactly the same boat OP. DD8 and it’s been suggested she may be on the spectrum. I’m very much on the fence about it as some days she seems neurotypical and others not so much. We’re on a waiting list for testing through our local LA so until then we’re undecided. Like your DS she’s happy, bright and loves her friends so we’re not overly concerned. I’d get him tested so you know one way or another.

Tbh, if you are not concerned about his development and behaviour, I think they are being deeply unprofessional to proffer a diagnosis without your consent and enquiry. Neither are professionals who would be involved in diagnostics, so they now nothing about assessment.

I’d ignore them and continue to love and raise your child as you have been and if anything is raised in school or there are any concerns in the future discuss it with those who work with him daily and now him. And I speak as the parent of a two autie/ADHD young people.