Partner keeps saying our child may be on the spectrum

[ariacoops]

We’ve got a DS who is six, my partner and his family have over the past year started remarking how they believe he is on the spectrum- without really elaborating what that means. They have some knowledge of this in the family, one is an OT and there is a social worker, DH works in charities. I know that sometimes parents can be in denial so I’ve tried to interrogate it in myself but I spend the most time one on one with him and I just don’t see it. He’s very happy, doing very well at school, his teachers have never mentioned anything, he has loads of friends, meeting all his milestones. He gets into arguments with his little brother and has to be told to share a lot - which seems to be the root of why they think he is neurodiverse. But to me coming from a big family it just seems pretty normal. At school he is never in trouble, he enjoys sports and Pokemon which they say is an obsessive interest but to be honest it just seems like something he likes. The other thing they say is he seems to have sensory issues around food - he doesn’t much like mushy stuff but is happy to eg have things on his plate mixed. He’s pretty adventurous with food and eats green veg and sauce etc. He’s vocally affectionate and very cuddly and likes holding hands - my SIL thinks this is strange and potentially also a sign of neurodiversity but she has never been one for hugs herself. And the final thing they say is he is very literal, he gets upset easily if there are any jokes at his expense or sarcasm. But he does like making jokes himself, he loves reading a joke book, and this has been improving ad he gets older. I just think tbh he’s still really little but am I missing something? None of this affecting him in day to day life or at school so what is the point of trying to diagnose him? Any other parents recognise anything here?

We are certainly not all on the autism spectrum. He may or may not be autistic, but so often children who are autistic cope at a younger age, but not as they get older. That’s worth having in mind if you will need to rely on the NHS for assessments as they can take years. I’m not sure if your posts are coming from a genuine place though looking at some of the language you’re using.

Well, I guess there are degrees of how on the spectrum you can be!

Why does it matter what they (or indeed you) think? What would you do differently if he was or wasn’t on the spectrum - start from there.

People are so quick to label people and think they're experts. Go with your gut instinct and take note of any professional comments from teachers etc.
I have a niece 33, who has recently been diagnosed. Now she's looking at everyone in the family trying to find ND traits. She's pointed at me and I've basically told her to do one. I've had a very successful career, great family, loads of friends so no, I'm not ND, I just have a very lively personality, thanks 😁

As several people have said some of the things you mention are signs of neurodiversity, and whilst he is happy and coping well at school for now, this may not always be the case. It can take ages to get children assessed and diagnosed, so it’s a good idea to start sooner, rather than later. Its not a criticism or a slight to say he’s on the spectrum, and it’ll help him as he gets older if you identify any needs he has and can make sure schools & universities are helping him as and when he needs it.

Finally, if none of his behaviour seems unusual to you, it’s worth getting yourself screened too. It has a strong hereditary link and women are hugely under diagnosed.

In retrospect OP, I would have ticked every box for ASD as a child. As an adult, I can recognise that most of it came from poor socialisation and some tough stuff happening while growing up. My coping strategies presented as similar behaviours to ASD. As an adult most of them have quite naturally gone away, and I’m quite grateful not to have been given a label in my youth that might have prevented me from looking deeper and discovering the real reasons behind a lot of the things I did.

Your son sounds like a happy, thriving little boy with lots of interests and a supportive family! As others have said, unless he’s struggling, why not let him develop at his own pace and as his own person without him needing to worry about a condition that he might or might not have.

All 4 of my kids are somewhere on the spectrum for something. The only ones I have had diagnosed are those that don't thrive at school. My second went to Uni and promptly got diagnosed there and can't believe that she now gets extra time, but like yours was perfectly happy at school. Don't diagnose if not needed but equally don't worry if it gets suggested. The issue is more that society is made up of all kinds of shapes but education wants to hammer all different shaped pegs into round holes because they can't afford otherwise.

Read Suzanne O'Sullivan's The Age of Diagnosis (then pass it to your family!). Labels can be necessary to access additional help and support but also can cause harm, which is often not recognised. I have a horror story from my own life of soneone regressing from pretty normal functioning due to an ultimately unhelpful label - true and extreme psychological impairment. If he is happy and thriving, what on earth would be the benefit of a diagnosis?

I've had people say similar things about my son - he has autism or ADHD. School haven't said anything and we just work with them to support some of his 'big emotions'. He's only 7 but intellectually older..... I refuse to label him because he's just an amazing, quirky character and a bit different to other children.
I think we are too quick to label children with a problem.... We need to look at lifestyles ie diet, screens, parental input before any possible medication or labelling goes on.....

A family member has just been through the diagnostic process which was very detailed and exacting. They were told that the findings might be that they have autistic traits but were not necessarily autistic. This might apply to your DS.

Either way, it’s just a label. If everyday life is challenging for your DS then you might want to look into it, just in case there are adjustment that would help him, but if he’s happy and thriving and socialising, why worry?

Maybe they are seeing something you are not. If you're not worried and the school is not worried, then it's a discussion for another day.

I've know that my daughter is ND since she was a baby. I've never seen a child behave like her before. I raised behaviour concerns and was told that she was bright and willful. She is very bright. She's functioning academically way above expected. She talked young, read young, we think she has a photographic memory. However her social emotional development is below expected. She masks everywhere but at home. She'll have 2 hour meltdowns at home because she just can't hold things in anymore. We do mediation, yoga, diary writing, have a 6.30 screen time limit and try to play outside as often as possible. Meltdowns ramp up during transitions like change of school year or from school holiday to term time.

I recognise that I also am likely ND but my mum would have beat me for some of the behaviours and I have repressed them and hold trauma instead.

The way I see it. I'm educated. I function. I'm a bit odd. I have my own friends all equally odd. My life is good. With support hers will too. Hopefully, she'll have less trauma.

If your partner is concerned what are they doing about it?

Which of his traits do you think are signs of neurodiversity? He sounds like a perfectly ordinary child imo from what the OP describes. "Its not a criticism or a slight to say he’s on the spectrum, and it’ll help him as he gets older if you identify any needs he has and can make sure schools & universities are helping him as and when he needs it" But from what the OP has said he is flourishing and doesn't need any help?
Also it's a bit of a jump to suggest the OP is autistic!

I work in a mainstream school supporting autistic kids. The usual signs are that the child struggles to concentrate on work and can't sit still for long periods of time. Although a lot of boys of 6 years old struggle sitting still so maybe not helpful! They usually have trouble forming friendships and tend to play more alongside kids rather than with them. Eye contact can sometimes be a struggle too. Behaviour can be repetitive and sometimes a child may be fixated on a certain topic. Usually teachers pick up on a few signs. Its hard to generalise but if I was you I would not worry just yet. So many kids are labelled too easily. You mention lining up cards which could just be that he is tidy. If he is coping at school and forming friendships then I would ignore your in laws and be happy your son is thriving at school.

I’ve also got a very successful career, great family and loads of friends and I am ND.

Being ND doesn’t mean you can’t have a great life, it doesn’t mean there’s anything “wrong” with you or that you are destined for failure.

We sought a diagnosis for my DS not because he was hugely struggling at the time but because we foresaw the possibility that he might do in the future.

Given how long it takes now to get assessed via the NHS now, I wouldn’t advise waiting until a point that a child is really suffering to seek an assessment.

That said, I think it’s too early for OP’s DS. Unlike a PP I don’t agree that it’s a case of “get him tested and then at least you will know” - it’s not like a blood test, you can only diagnose on the evidence of observed behaviours. It will likely become more obvious over time whether it’s just typical childhood behaviours or signs of neurodivergence. But there’s nothing lost at all for OP in being aware of how neurodivergence can present and keeping an open mind.

For us, the first inkling we had that DS might have ASD was a friend pointing out some of his behaviours and saying “have you considered….”. For OP maybe it’s nothing, maybe her family are onto something - I imagine time will tell!

That makes sense. 🙂 In the OP's case, from what they have said it doesn't sound to me like her ds is showing signs of autism but is coping well, it sounds more like he isn't showing any signs atm. But like you say, there's no harm in being aware of neurodivergence. As long as it doesn't become a source of anxiety anyway.

I would say to them he’s thriving, let’s think about it if he starts to struggle. And change the subject. Does anyone discuss it with him?

Some of that does sound like autism. At this age it's difficult to know unless he gets referred. The joke thing sounds like me - I can't tell if people are being serious or joking, it's totally lost on me. DS is diagnosed with ASC, it was only when we had DD three years later that some things became apparent as not being the standard way of doing things. School spotted everything as I didn't know what might be signs (I was only diagnosed at 45). The difficulty with a spectrum is that it is a mixture of things, it's not always totally obvious. I would speak with school to see if they have any concerns.

I was refused referral at first (now diagnosed with ASC and ADHD) as I "did well in school and have a good job" 🙄DP is a doctor, he also has ASC, as do most of his medical colleagues that I've met. But I do have a relative with ASC who is non-verbal and needs 24-hr care, and I guess people misunderstand the various ways that ND can look

@ariacoops My AS has just been officially diagnosed as autistic at 46, he chose to have an assessment himself. I always thought it was a possibility, he did have some problems with friendships at school, and has/had some ND traits but a diagnosis would probably not have made much difference to him, then or now.
There are obviously levels of ND and if your DS is happy and coping with his life a diagnosis probably isn't useful. As @lilkitten suggests, you might try talking to somebody at the school about this, they are most likely the people who would know if he needs an assessment and if it would help him in any way, but amateur diagnoses from your family are not helpful.

I would say it's a possibility. The not liking sarcasm or not understanding jokes thing and potentially Sensory Processing Disorder if he doesn't like certain textures.

If he's doing well at school, is he very chatty in lessons, is he a model student? Some children on the Spectrum work very hard to be perfect children and students.

Some of the ideas you have are only tiny aspects of ASD. Some can make eye contact, some are chatty, some can eat food mixed together. Think of it as a mixing desk of different things. Some aspects hardly affect an individual whilst others have a high impact. Intelligence also varies widely and you can have average intelligence with ASD too.

Not liking particular types of food, or being made fun of, is perfectly normal. Surely children are allowed to have preferences and personalities without that needing to be evidence of a disorder. If everything is neurodivergence, then nothing really is, because there will be no neurotypical left to diverge from.

Sure there are plenty of people who are a over sensitive who aren’t ND. There are plenty of people who are picky about food who aren’t ND. Plenty of kids who like sorting Pokémon cards that aren’t ND.

But all of those things tend to be more prevalent amongst ND people and taken together they might be indicative of ND. But that’s a long long way from people being able to armchair diagnose based on a few characteristics- I think all most people here are saying is “it’s possible, dont rule it out”.

We need to stop analysing ourselves and our children. Enjoy life, and enjoy our kids and all their little idiosyncrasies.
If there isn't a problem, don't go looking for one.

Can I ask why you say this? My son’s school teachers are certain he is autistic. The reasons they give would all have applied to me at a similar age. I do not have a diagnosis and although, reading mumsnet threads, I can see that I have ADHD and autistic traits, I don’t want a diagnosis. I did find some things hard as I grew up, for sure, but I am nonetheless very relieved not to have had a diagnosis because I think it would have caused me to limit my life and avoid all sorts of experiences that actually enriched my life and helped me to develop.