Partner keeps saying our child may be on the spectrum

[ariacoops]

We’ve got a DS who is six, my partner and his family have over the past year started remarking how they believe he is on the spectrum- without really elaborating what that means. They have some knowledge of this in the family, one is an OT and there is a social worker, DH works in charities. I know that sometimes parents can be in denial so I’ve tried to interrogate it in myself but I spend the most time one on one with him and I just don’t see it. He’s very happy, doing very well at school, his teachers have never mentioned anything, he has loads of friends, meeting all his milestones. He gets into arguments with his little brother and has to be told to share a lot - which seems to be the root of why they think he is neurodiverse. But to me coming from a big family it just seems pretty normal. At school he is never in trouble, he enjoys sports and Pokemon which they say is an obsessive interest but to be honest it just seems like something he likes. The other thing they say is he seems to have sensory issues around food - he doesn’t much like mushy stuff but is happy to eg have things on his plate mixed. He’s pretty adventurous with food and eats green veg and sauce etc. He’s vocally affectionate and very cuddly and likes holding hands - my SIL thinks this is strange and potentially also a sign of neurodiversity but she has never been one for hugs herself. And the final thing they say is he is very literal, he gets upset easily if there are any jokes at his expense or sarcasm. But he does like making jokes himself, he loves reading a joke book, and this has been improving ad he gets older. I just think tbh he’s still really little but am I missing something? None of this affecting him in day to day life or at school so what is the point of trying to diagnose him? Any other parents recognise anything here?

It doesn't sound like he is oversensitive or picky about food to me. Everyone has food preferences, no one likes being made fun of and most people have hobbies. Of course, it's possible that in the future he could show signs of autism, just as he could show signs of any other condition. Anything can happen in the future, but from what I can see there's nothing from what OP has said to suggest he's showing signs of anything now.
I feel like these days our society expects children to be little robots with no personality of their own. If they show any signs of individuality, people jump to assuming it's a sign of autism, Adhd, or something like that. Not that I think you or OP are doing that, but it sounds like her partner and family are.

Congratulations on realising that Neurodiversity is exactly that.

I'm not sure quite what you mean? Aren't neurodiversity and neurodivergence two different things?

If I were you I'd say even if he is, so what?
Someone just made up a bunch of behaviours and gave it a name and said it was bad. I bet if he had an MRI scan it'd come back as normal. They need to not be saying those things around him as that is very harmful and could make him play up to the label more. Imagine how they'd feel if you started accusing them of having (x,y,z) psychological conditions.

I think everyone's experiences are different, if you are happy without a diagnosis I wouldn't worry about getting one. 🙂

I definitely won’t. No point now, anyway. It’s my son I worry about. I can look back now and see that a diagnosis would probably have been very bad for me, but back then if you’d offered me an explanation for my difficulties making friends and a medicalised reason for shrinking away from things I found challenging I’d probably have jumped at it and wrapped myself up in it like a cocoon. I wouldn’t want him to do that to himself. But if teachers tell him about it and he (as I might have done as an adolescent) finds the idea appealing, it would be hard to resist it given the prevailing opinion that all diagnoses are useful. Obviously if that time comes I’ll talk to him about it. It’s all I can do. But I worry that the current trend for giving diagnoses as widely as possible is doing more harm than good.

A lot of 6 y.o take things literally, don’t understand sarcasm and have a very specific sense of humour.
They don’t like sharing with their younger siblings.
They are mostly not very adventurous with food.
And a lot of them have “obsession” with something - 50 years ago it was collecting stamps or teddy bears or reading books or whatever, now it’s Pokémon cards.
Could you find something in your SIL’s life to roll eyes about? I’m sure there is something e.g she has too many nail polishes or can’t eat certain food or always drink her tea from a certain cup or can’t bear people standing close to her in a queue.

As long as he's definitely fine, thriving and happy socially, academically and developmentally, then it's totally fine to keep going and not worry - even if he does have some aspect of neurodiversity, if it's not troubling him then it's nothing to worry about.

However, at age 6 a lot of neurodiverse kids have had no troubles yet. Troubles with social and developmental aspects may not be observable until age 9-10 depending on how a particular child's neurodiverse profile presents, and issues with academic progression may be undetectable until age 13-14 with the more complex nuances of GCSE topics with inferences and analysis rather than the simple fact-based learning of earlier years. The problem is that it can take about 4 years to get any such problems acknowledged, diagnosed and help put in place as needed so I don't blame your DHs family for being vigilant for early signs. Maybe your child will be fine and never need any help or intervention. But if that's not the case you will want to detect it as early as possible.

That makes a lot of sense 🙂

Just from my own experience with my DS it was very similar small things that were the early indicators of his ASD and it was friends who commented on it before I saw it myself.

So it could really be either - family having a narrow view of what is normal “oh he likes Pokémon cards, that’s a bit autistic!” - which is obviously wrong. Or they’re actually picking up on something - like my DS at that age was (amongst other things) rather more single-mindedly focused on his favourite toys than was typical, and family might be seeing something like that. Which is not to say NT children can’t be obsessive about hobbies of course, but holistically when combined with other things it might possibly be a sign of ND.

If you met my DS now it is way more obvious he is ND than it was when he was younger so I have zero doubt about the diagnosis or worries that we are just putting a label on normal quirks. And I don’t think it would have been right to diagnose him as he was at age 6 because there simply wasn’t enough evidence. But I am glad we had an open mind to the possibility.

I think the debate about the value of diagnosis is really interesting. For me and my DS I genuinely think diagnosis has been a gift.

For me it’s really help in self-acceptance, an insight into myself I didn’t have before and more confidence about not trying to ‘fit’.

For DS I think it is great he won’t have to go through the years I went through of beating myself up that I didn’t fit the mould. And got us as parents we can understand why certain things are trickier for him so we can find new ways to do things that make life easier, that we just wouldn’t have thought of without the insight into ASD and ADHD. DS has lots of ND friends and they all talk about it openly without any shame or stigma.

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That's fair enough.

I said having a diagnosis is better for your health because it is known that neurodivergent people are more prone to certain health conditions - obesity, epilepsy, migraine, IBS, anxiety, depression to mention just a few. It is not too surprising when you think about it because life is inherently more stressful with the effort of trying to fit in and understand other people. Neurodivergent people also don’t necessarily experience pain in the same way and also may have more trouble explaining pain and other feelings. So with doctors knowing you have a diagnosis, it makes it easier for them to help you.

It is also known that among the prison population, there is a high incidence of neurodivergence and the same is true of people addicted to drugs and alcohol.

From my personal experience as a neurodivergent woman in my late 50s I have ME (or chronic fatigue syndrome as it used to be known). My ADHD psychiatrist told me that the stress of living with undiagnosed autism and ADHD would have likely been a
contributing factor to me developing ME. That is a very serious condition to have - I am now too unwell to work. I am also a domestic abuse victim and again autism and ADHD have put me at more risk of that too. Neurodivergent women tend to be people pleasers and usually have low self esteem and have trouble understanding non-verbal cues and reading between the lines. Domestic abuse is also very bad for health. Again, my psychiatrist explained all this about domestic abuse.

Having a formal diagnosis gives you a WAY better understanding of your personal issues. Before I had my autism diagnosis, I would say I understood things pretty well but the diagnosis report increased my understanding massively. It enabled me to explain to people, I am not very good at understanding x because of my autistic trait of y. The ADHD diagnosis was even more useful because that came with medication which actually solved my anxiety, which the GP had been trying and failing to do for years (but she didn’t know that the cause was ADHD).

I hope that answers your question. Feel free to ask me more if you want to .

To be honest it’s only the business of you and your partner. They need to butt out unless any potential inaction is harming him. He sounds like a perfectly normal little boy and there are many things that are true for autistic kids that are also a normal part of development. Unless you are concerned he needs support then I’m not sure why it’s an issue at this stage.

This is a great take.

I'm also inclined to say to the person who says your son/daughter may be Autistic, something along the lines of...

"So what? You're saying (x) has some incurable defect caused by their genes and environment? What do you want me to say, or do? Do I sign a pledge not to produce anymore children in case they're defective? Am I supposed to apologise for my child's existence? Does you thinking they have this condition make you think you are a better parent than me? At least my child is good looking and intelligent and will probably go on to do a degree in some niche, interesting subject and go on to have a career unlike your child who's dumb and ugly and will probably just stack shelves for a living."

Get fierce about it. To hell with people who make comments like these

Thank you for your thoughtful answer. It's very generous of you to share your experiences so fully, and I'm so sorry to hear about the ways in which your life has been made so much harder by living with an undiagnosed condition. Your reply has certainly made me think again about the potential benefits of a diagnosis, for me as well as my son.

I think it will very much depend on the person. If people can cope day-to-day, a diagnosis isn't going to change things for them much. I was diagnosed with ADHD at 45, along with difficulties reading and processing text. I wish this had been picked up at school, I did fairly well but only through double the effort that everyone else put in. My career hasn't been as good as it could have been, I've lost jobs for things that would have had reasonable adjustments if I'd known there was something different about me, and like at school I was criticised for being stupid and forgetful. I'm still at the anger stage of wishing it could have been different. Now I'm getting lots of support in the workplace, but it makes me sad for the younger me and how hard I found it.

Exactly!

To me, Ops description just sounds like completely normal behavior.
If what she described is considered “on the spectrum,” then I’d really love to know what people think counts as not on the spectrum, or just typical childhood quirks…????

I mean, my husband is 45 and still won’t go near mashed-up foods like mushy peas or even mashed potatoes — and trust me, he’s definitely not on the spectrum 🤣🤣

This! I struggle to understand what people are aiming to achieve with medicalising kids when they are clearly not struggling. I’ve always thought a bit differently to others as well - but I’m probably still NT given what I’ve managed in life - even if I wasn’t what would be the advantage in that label for someone who is highly capable in life.

The problem in the UK is that by the time children are diagnosed it’s often too late for therapies that other countries provide autistic and adhd kids that can help improve quality of life as they get older. So if there are any doubts you should probably try and get an assessment

No one is saying that not liking mushy food = autistic!

People are saying the collection of behaviours the OP mentions, while not individually unusual, could, when taken together, be early indicators of neurodivergence.

No-one is saying it is conclusive or even a likelihood. But that it's worth having an awareness.

I also think that it goes beyond the list of things the OP mentions and is about the fact that some of the people who know her DS the best are questioning it, which suggests that there may be other more subtle things they're picking up on. With my own DS it was sometimes hard to pin down the precise things that were different about him, it just became clear he was different.

Some of it is about exactly how certain things manifest. Take food fussiness for example - with my DC it wasn't just that he wasn't a fan of certain foods, but how he reacted to being presented with those foods. Or being obsessed with pokemon - with my DC it was to the exclusion of all other interests, starting up conversations with strangers about pokemon, being hard to get him to finish playing pokemon and move onto something else.

My DS had mild quirks when he was younger. Like not using a plastic spoon or hating new shoes. All pretty normal and nothing to worry about.

he did well at school, loved going, had a group of friends etc. school never pointed out any issues. They reported he was very smart, friendly, helpful, always joined in etc.

He’s 10 now. And those little quirks have intensified. He is now very literal (something that wasn’t an issue when he was younger), he can’t describe his emotions and doesn’t really understand fairness if it’s not in his favour. He also has a very strong sense of right and wrong and will often argue with his little sisters because they are not as smart as him and don’t get everything right (they’re only 6). He is anxious and is rigid in the playground if kids are in his personal space. He is also unable to tell if kids are being playful or malicious.

school have now picked up on all of this, and more and he has been referred for assessment. It took quite a long time for all of us to see it but it is now very clear.

For me (late diagnosed ADHD, outwardly "successful"), the advantages have been:

-Recognising how hard I was working to do "normal" and the strain that was putting on me

-Being able to use ADHD-specific strategies that enable me to either achieve more, or achieve the same with less strain

-Having words I can use to explain myself to others (family, friends, colleagues) so we all get along better as they understand me more

-Feeling freedom not to mask so hard or "do normal" all the time, and to lean into some of my ADHD traits as positives and not things I need to try and conceal.

-Forgiving my imperfections

I don't feel "medicalised", I just feel understood.

I'm genuinely happy that I could give DS the gift of that understanding now, not 30 years later like it was for me.

Because undiagnosed adults are likely to have crippling anxiety and self-esteem. When you grow up your entire life feeling a bit “off” but never being able to name it causes immense stress. Yes, these adults function well on the outside but internally every second of every day is a struggle.

Children growing up knowing who they are is an absolute priority.