I’m beginning to hate twin parenting

[Twinmumhelp]

my twins are 14.5 months old and we had the vaccinations this week, so it’s been particularly rough. They are boys and I’m constantly exhausted, every night time is touch and go. Tried to sleep train, magnesium spray, no lights on, general routine etc. Doctors are useless and really there’s no help out there for twin parents. My partner is AMAZING and I don’t know what I would do without him. Today I had thoughts of giving them up for adoption, so I know I need to seek some help as I am suffering postpartum but I wondered what any other twin mums have to say. they are taken on walks, read to a lot and we try our best to feed them all the good stuff. I’m terrified of when they get bigger as I find their personalities demanding. Our mothers help here and there but both work and I think also find it exhausting so they are helping less and less. It’s wearing down our relationship and I dread coming home to this.. I love them but did not plan to be a multiple mum and although I wanted kids, cannot believe how hard this is.

I remember visiting my friend with baby twin boys and being shocked at her haunted expression!

This sounds trite - it is trite - but it'll get much easier before you know it. My DS is 18 and it seems like a year ago he was 8.
Hopefully some twin mums on here will be able to offer more specific advice.

Mine are four now and it does get easier, promise. Do whatever you need to do to sort out their sleep. We used an excellent sleep consultant if you want her number, worked remotely and had sorted every set of kids in the twin WhatsApp I am on!

My friend always says her hardest ever years where when her twins were little. They are 7yo now and it's a lot easier. She had unexpected twins with an already 6 and 4 yo!

Melatonin gummies. If they're genuinely not sleeping then you can buy these online! I think you would all feel a lot better if the whole house had better quality sleep.

Multiple babies are HARD. Really hard. I was my friends sole childcare at the time because no one else would offer to help! It was brutal. When they were 2yo one of them was pouring ketchup all over the sofa while the other had managed to climb the safety gate into the dining room and was at the top of a book shelf throwing everything off 😭

Hand hold because I don't know what advice to give other than consistency and routine, and melatonin for bed. Get yourself some help 🫶

It’s defo haunting, I can’t quite believe it’s years until this is easier. Then the guilt of wanting to wish time away.

Would add- I think it’s completely normal to hate it / feel resentful. There are two of them and they are demanding and needy 24bloody7.

What did this sleep consultant do? I’m wary of spending money we don’t have on ‘ferber’ or whatever you call it. Happy to learn more though. It’s desperate

It’s just not what I imagined :(

I’m not a twin mum but my siblings are twins (older than me). My mum has always said how very hard it was until 18 months and then what a relief it felt as it all got easier, they played together etc
hope you can get some rest tonight

Mum of twin boys here to send solidarity and support.

youre not alone and the first thing I’d do is get some real help if you do think you have depression or similar.

secondly, keep communicating with your partner. Rely and trust each other. Ditto with the grandparents. Even 2 x 1hr of help a week can be amazing (mines were never close enough geographically and it was a struggle).

lastly, all I can do is assure you it gets easier. From now on, you notice big changes every few months. Mine’s started school last week and when I reflect back, the big changes were really around 2-5 - 3 years. Hang in there, you got this.

It’s just hard. It does get better. Everyone told me it would get better when they were one, and I wanted to go slap that person when it didn’t. I also had no extra help, and another DC 19 months older then DT. I was a SAHM until DT went to school. Please talk to GP about PND and just try to hang on. I noticed it was better at 2.5 and then again at 3. Do you know any other twin mums? I joined a twins club and it kept me sane.

I have been there. It is so bloody hard and non twin parents just dont get it.

Are you part of a twin mum's group? I found that so helpful as I could talk to people who just got it.

It is exhausting. I found things really got easier once they were about 2.5. Although they were running all over the shop, they were more independent and could start to explain what was wrong!

As hard as it is, it is also incredibly special and unique. Every age has it's challenges, but with twins, this really is the hardest bit. Sending strength x

Thank you. I was reluctant to seek help and just thought I was overwhelmed but, it surely can’t be normal to have the thought I did earlier. Of course I wouldn’t pursue adoption but it does feel scary that mentally that’s where I am.

I do go to a twin group when I can. Thank you

It’s quite hazy now, but basically she asked us what we were comfortable with in terms of sleep training, set up plan with very clear instructions of how to implement it and then checked in with us at intervals, and was available by Whatsapp when it was the middle of the night and we weren’t quite sure what to do. It was a godsend.

I remember feeling this real sense of resentment towards parents of single babies, and I’ve had that experience since my older child was a singleton. Just the fact that they only need to get one child to sleep, one child fed, when they went to café they just needed to entertain or feed one baby rather than juggle two simultaneously, not needing to run the odds on two babies having explosive poos or needing nappy changes or whatever at the same time when they were trying to leave the house… Just the unfairness of it all. Meanwhile, everyone you run into is cooing into the pram and saying how lucky you are for having twins or asking if both are boys or whatever or making some stupid comment. It was very very hard going for a long time.

I’m a SAHM so maybe that’s why it’s getting so gruelling. I am leaning more towards nursery now to stay sane. I will talk to the GP.. and yes it’s a false sense of security because I really did think that once we hit the 1 mark things would improve..

I had twins - they’re young adults now. I absolutely panicked at the idea and then struggled with the reality when they arrived. Like you, great partner.

it gets better it really does. There are twin clubs for a good reason: it’s a unique experience that mums of single babies simply do not understand, it’s so so much harder. (Shout out to the mums of triplets god knows how they do it.)

what we did was a very very strong and unchanged bedtime routine.
bath. Supper upstairs in their bedroom (milk plus toast fingers or stoned olives on a bread stick or whatever) then teeth (we had a sink in their room, major advantage in retrospect as so useful for vomit!). Then both on lap (we had an armchair in their room for this) of one parent for stories for fifteen minutes. Then tuck in one parent left lights off hall light on, other parent stayed in silence on armchair until both asleep. No getting out of bed was one rule. We let them chat to each other across the beds if they wanted to.

any way - whatever your version might be, what I mean is that a detailed routine at bedtime helped everyone’s sanity.

and zero expectations for your house management, sex life, hobbies etc. it’s a hard slog but at two-ish things became much easier for us.

if they are not good talkers (?) then baby signing is terrific and helps them communicate and so feel less frustrated.

lots of going out helped us. At least one trip per day even to supermarket - make it as stimulating as possible, to tire their brains

do check out TAMBA (twins and multiple birth assoc) there will be a twin club near you - and go. Good luck.

Yes the resentment is real. Being told how ‘lucky’ I was to have them naturally or my favourite at Xmas my father saying I shouldn’t complain about being burned out as some women struggle to conceive. Totally tone deaf. If I had the energy to cry, I would.

It maybe sounds like the postpartum blues is affecting you more than you might think. Add in the exhaustion and itd be difficult for a saint. You’ve got to remember going from zero to one is a hell of a shock so zero to two well 😳
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These are the things that helped me when things felt particularly overwhelming.

• To do list. I mean keep it mega basic but it’ll give you a massive sense of achievement. Got up ✔️ showered ✔️ breakfast ✔️ clear breakfast things ✔️ brush teeth….you get the picture.
• Sleep training. I did what I think what is maybe called Ferber method now? Basically I went back instantly, cuddles, lay them down and said goodnight, 10secs, lay down said goodnight, 20secs, lay down silently, 30secs and repeat the lay down silently but wait a further 30secs each time. It was absolute torture but it took ages first night, about 20mins 2nd, probably about 10mins 3rd and was fine from then on. It was absolute hell, not for the faint hearted but I’ve never had an issue with sleep since.
• Fresh air. Massive one even if it’s 5minutes it makes the world of difference.
• No daytime TV this one’s quite tricky if you’re used to it. But I filled the silence with music and the time with mini things to do. A lot of people entertain their kids 24/7 now but I’ve only ever done a bit then let them entertain themselves (yes even at one)

I hope this helps, remember it’s just what I found helped me, obviously everyone’s different and things won’t suit everyone.

God yes the resentment of it is forgotten that, so true. And a huge part of that resentment is because you (I) aren’t
able to enjoy much of it as it’s so bloody hard, and yet you want to enjoy it and feel guilty that you’re wishing the days away, and that you’re not always able to be the calm loving earth mother or whatever was your hope. That you cry with fatigue and and stress and guilt and long for the second your husband comes home. It’s brought it all back just how tough it was.

I’m a twin mum of 7yo. I know it’s hard but I promise it does get easier, infact it’s often easier than having singletons now as they always have someone to play with etc.
Ask for help, it’s totally ok. Also I’m not 100% on the new rules but would you be entitled to any child care? Being a SAHM must be super hard and a break, even just a couple of half days a week might really help too

I think this is a tough age, they are mobile but need carrying most places like to and from car, need constant supervision etc. Lack of sleep is an absolute killer and if they aren’t well rested they are also cranky.

Hang on in there and do what you need to do to survive. Nursery for 2 will be expensive, would a very part time nanny be the same cost. It means you can walk out the door without all the prepping etc that is needed for the nursery run.

Yes to above point too! I found a nanny to be much cheaper but also it was nice that she came to me and became part of the family (even though she only did one sometimes two days)

I am not a twin mum but I witnessed my NCT friend raise twin girls from babies. It was a fucking shit show, she never went out anywhere alone with them, they never slept at the same time, they were really hard to settle, it was absolutely eye opening - so believe me when I say this - whatever you're doing, you're doing a bloody fantastic job. One baby is hard enough. My friend did end up paying for a nanny to take them for parts of the week, I think it was only 4 hours at a time for the odd day or two a week, but she said it was an absolute godsend.

If it's any help, when I had my second child (quite close together) it did almost then feel like a really nice relaxing break if someone just took one of them, so I only had one to see to. If your mums are struggling with taking both twins, could they look after just one of them at a time sometimes? I know it's not the same but even now my kids are older, it's SO much easier when I've only got one of them.

I think the toddler stage is the absolute hardest, so you'll be in the trenches. It's a hard stage regardless of whether you have one or two. I think once they start talking more and being a little more independent, it gets easier.

Talk to all the twin mums you know at any groups you can get to. Get all the tips. Be a "lazier" parent and don't feel guilty about it. Take short cuts. Ask what's helped them.

Sending hugs OP x

Ah yes also do you get any free childcare hours, to be able to book them into nursery? I thought this was universal but isn't it from 9 months each child gets 15 free hours, and it goes up to 30 at some point? There's also tax free childcare for working parents so you get topped up 20% on what you do pay. Hopefully you already know about it, but sign up on the government website if not. Please ignore if you're already on this!

At this age, a few times a day I would put my twins in a large playpen full of toys and have a 10-15 coffee sat by myself elsewhere in the room. Honestly, a little bit of time to recharge can really help.
Also be super organised, always prep for the next step, for example if you are going out and plan to give them a bath when you come home then prepare all the bath things before going out. It makes everything less stressful.

It gets easier, I promise, and by the time they are 3+ start having it easier than other mums withs kids of different ages.