I’m beginning to hate twin parenting

[Twinmumhelp]

my twins are 14.5 months old and we had the vaccinations this week, so it’s been particularly rough. They are boys and I’m constantly exhausted, every night time is touch and go. Tried to sleep train, magnesium spray, no lights on, general routine etc. Doctors are useless and really there’s no help out there for twin parents. My partner is AMAZING and I don’t know what I would do without him. Today I had thoughts of giving them up for adoption, so I know I need to seek some help as I am suffering postpartum but I wondered what any other twin mums have to say. they are taken on walks, read to a lot and we try our best to feed them all the good stuff. I’m terrified of when they get bigger as I find their personalities demanding. Our mothers help here and there but both work and I think also find it exhausting so they are helping less and less. It’s wearing down our relationship and I dread coming home to this.. I love them but did not plan to be a multiple mum and although I wanted kids, cannot believe how hard this is.

Thank you x

‘Earth mother’ feels slightly snide. Hope it was worth the comment

I don’t think it was meant to be. I think that’s her recalling how she felt x

Yes I do that, so needed for sanity. I’ll just hold on for a few more years lol

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I remember that feeling so well. my twin boys are 3 and I’d never been so close to depression than in the first 2 years of their lives. There were so many times I just wanted to walk out of the door, it’s just a level of overwhelm that people can’t comprehend.
Talk to the GP, meet up with mum friends, get relatives to help out so you can go for a walk or coffee (just a bit of time away from the house makes a huge difference), do something regularly just for you like a gym class. I used Koru kids to pay for someone to play with the twins, give them dinner, help with bath and bedtime a few times a week. It’s so much easier now and they’re finally going to nursery every morning- you’ll get there, look after yourself! x

Thank you for affirming me. I’ll just take it day by day.. I’m not alone x

Also a twin mum, mine are now 7. The toddler years were utterly brutal, they were feral little monsters and I felt like the worst mother in the world because all they seemed to do was batter each other, cause chaos and make mess. It was like a light switch being flicked when they turned 4 and suddenly it just became so much easier!

Things to help now is exercise, get them moving so they’re too tired to fight but not too tired they whinge. Stick them in nursery as soon as you can afford it or they get free hours, it gives you back a few hours where you can just breathe without the whirring risk assessment as to which one is trying to kill themselves first and needs rescuing. Find a twin club even if it’s just online as we get it - singleton parents just don’t seem to get it in the same way! Set up any activities that they can do alongside each other, bonus points for messy/noisy to keep them amused for a bit. Do they share a room? Is there a spare room so they’re can sleep alone? Mine dramatically improved when they had their own sleep space albeit I still have a kid who doesn’t believe in sleep but at least she’s not waking her brother up constantly! Lower your standards to below what you thought the lowest was, and put one foot in front of the other for now. It’s no way to live really, but it’s just a question of surviving currently.

I promise you it does get easier, I felt like it was never going to ever be better and then it magically happened. The really sick thing is that I look back now wistfully at them being toddlers sometimes as I miss those days until I properly remember the horror!

OP no argh no I meant it in a piss taking way about the kind of idealised image of motherhood we’re given NOT about you specifically at all I’m sorry it came across that way

I have two (TWO!) sets of twins and the early years just are very tough. You WILL get through it and you'll have some lovely moments along the way - even if that's hard to imagine right now. I was very resentful of parents of singletons - especially since the ones I knew all seemed to have masses of help from family. I don't feel proud of the way I felt but I do think it was very understandable! One thing that made a massive difference to me was having a Homestart volunteer (you can self-refer to Homestart Make a referral | Home-Start UK - a charity to support parents) come once a week and help me take my twin boys out. Then I found out I was pregnant again - with twin girls!!! By that time, nothing could faze me and I also had very low standards... Now my twins are 18 and 15 and I wish I could go back and "enjoy" their younger days a bit more.

Oh Op. I've got twin boys. They were completely feral. I remember wanting to walk out the door and not come back. they Never slept at the same time and were just on the go all the time.

have you got an baby / toddler group you can join. The group I joined were amazing. Out all the time so the kids just sort of played together

used reins to take them out for walks instead of the pram to try and wear them out.

when I was really exhausted when they got chicken pox at 12 months we all just slept in a double bed together - I was too exhausted to do sleep training

100% use the nursery free hours. It will do your mental health the world of good and it gives them a different routine to follow .

sending love . Honestly gets loads easier. First two years were the worst for me. X

Twin mum here.. at that same age my husband and I were absolutely exhausted and feeling low with it. However we turned a corner with sleep and it got so much easier.
Have you got Homestart near you? Several twin mums found them invaluable for helping with a weekly volunteer.
Hope everything gets better soon xx

Not a twin mum, but if you are eligible for the 30 funded hours at nursery, 100% use them. Use the time whilst they are at nursery to sleep, rest, catch up on housework, exercise. Whatever it is that will help you. Especially if you dont have a lot of family support close by. You can check your eligibility here: www.beststartinlife.gov.uk

@Twinmumhelp i hope you manage to distill from this thread of twin mums who’ve answered your cry for help that

1. its not you, or your babies. It’s twins. They’re hard work. Really hard work.
2. you’re not alone; the volume of replies shows what you’re experiencing is very common
3. you should give no fucks to whatever other people think
4. if you come back here and ask for more help - whether it’s practical advice or a safe space to vent, other twin mums will be here
5. one day you’ll be on here saying ‘it gets easier’
6. theres no shame in paid support (I event back 9 months in to a planned 18 month career break)

take care of yourself!

Lots of good advice here. I found my local twins group a godsend for companionship and understanding. Added advantage that my twins would fall asleep in the car on the way home, so I always got a break at the end of the drive! Synchronising sleep really helps, and keeping life really simple. Try to avoid feeling the pressure to run your life like the mums with one baby/toddler. This is going to sound counterintuitive, but when you have access to help, try and do something with just one of them at a time. Even if just for a short while. It took me a long time to realise that as I was always dealing with nappies, food, safety, practicalities etc, I didn’t have very many bonding/sweet moments with either of them. And when I did, they were very snatched and invariably interrupted. Missing out on the joyous moments is detrimental. Each had an alternate morning a week in childcare for a while. (They also did sessions together, so I got downtime). The times with just one were so calm. We kept things simple, and it was so lovely to have the time to bond and get to know each of them a bit better. Also, finding a place to meet friends for play dates where toddlers are contained is a godsend. If there is one in your local area, the other twins mums will know about it! I also had a playpen where I could put them to be safe if I needed a few minutes to calm down stomping around the garden. I did almost no housework either. It gets better. Mine are teenagers now, and are both wonderful people. But it was tough. Sounds like you and your husband are doing an amazing job. Try and get as much help and support as you can to lighten your load ❤️

I'm a twin mum too, mine are now teenagers. It's really really hard work when they are little!! As other posters have said, I had a minimum standard for each day - that we all made it to bedtime. Everything else was a bonus...

I went back to work when they were 14 months old and although that's another kind of juggling it did keep me sane. Time away from them helps if you have any opportunities to have someone else looking after them for a few hours. Nursery or a childminder for something more regular. Mine all went to a childminder and although I only used the time to do things like laundry or whatever, it did help.

i remember a 'friend' commenting that she knew someone else who had twins, and how they "just seemed to get on with things" when I was telling her how hard it was. I remember feeling like complete 💩 that I was somehow finding twins (and my other child 14 months older) hard work, but clearly that's ridiculous...

I remember applying for a new job when mine were all at school and really wanting to put 'twin mum' on my CV 😂 I do think that most people have no idea what it takes to be a parent of multiples, it's a set of skills very few people have!

hope you can see your gp too, it does take its toll. You're doing relentless HARD work every day with no breaks. Things will improve, keep going one day at a time xx

Oh yes, if you can afford it, get a cleaner even if you are not working. Looking after baby/toddler twins is definitely a full time job.
You are saving as (I imagine) you are too tired to go out in the evenings anyway 😅

And yes to the local twins group, at least people there know what you are going through!

@blueold I cal totally relate to your CV comment - I remember seeing a tshirt « I’m a twin mum: I can do anything » and thinking how true it was. Hardest thing I have done in my whole life. But so rewarding.
Mine are 11, boy/girl, going to different secondary schools… and when they meet back home after school they hug as if they haven’t seen eachother for weeks.

Childcare. At 14 months, they'll really love nursery. I don't think you have PND, I think you're exhausted.

Totally agree- get all the nursery hours you can possibly afford OP! My friend has twins and from age 4 onwards she has been having it easier than me with 2 kids of different ages. They just go off and play together and leave her alone- she says my life looks much harder trying to meet the needs of two kids at differnt ages who don't want to play the same things . I know four must seem absolutely light years away to you now when you're in the absolute peak of the awful tough time so I'm sorry if it's not helpful - just trying to add to what pp have said that there will eventually be light at the end of the tunnel!

You know what you’ve struck a chord here. Yes one on one time is so important I divide it up during the day giving one twin a cuddle and playing with them and then giving the other the same for a while. It’s a lot but they of course have different personalities and sometimes needs at times. I’m figuring that out day to day you never quite feel like it’s enough with twins but the beauty in that is them sharing everything and companionship. It’s a delicate balance of the two truths.. No one gets it like another twin mum, thank you x

It’s so hard! I had a 2yr old and DT. It does get easier but the phase you are in now is the hardest..when they can run away but don’t know danger. One suggestion I would make is to not go to twin groups because nobody can really help you as they’ve got their hands full. At a singletons group there was always someone who could help me feed a baby, hold one while I took one for a change. It’s lovely when they’re older particularly when they start school. One thing I always remember that someone said to me which is so true is that “the novelty never wears off”.
i know none of this must help you much right now, but just remember that you are right when you say it’s hard, some days are too much, but you’re doing an amazing job

I think you are all amazing! The thought of one child is overwhelming, so I can’t imagine how hard it must be with two!
No advice to offer but remember, you are doing amazingly xx

If you’re entitled to it (partner earning less than £100k) the funded nursery hours now substantially reduce the bill, for 2 days per week we pay less than £60 per month for one child (inc the tax free element). If you can afford if and can find places it’s really worth considering for your sanity.

It’s a really difficult age, made worse by the fact that you have two of them. I noticed things got much easier with my boy by time he turned two (but also gradually before then too) and just remember that no stage lasts forever, in fact I think every 3 months there is a big change developmentally. Each stage comes with its own challenges, but the undeniable fact is that they are always growing in independence and understanding/language/communication , which massively helps!
it sounds like you’re extremely burnt out and in the thick of it. Sounds like you need chance to come up for air a bit more often
also my top tip is always just to get out the house, ideally outdoors! If you can face soft play for the millionth time then lots of toddler groups, and actually I think somewhere outdoors and open to run around/near water is actually way better for passing the time than time limited over stimulating play sessions (hartbeeps etc)
I hope you feel better soon

I am a twin mum and this is a great post. Especially getting your parents or in-laws ( or anyone willing🤣) to take one baby for you. My mum took one of mine for a few hours every Friday and omg it was like a spa break looking after one baby. When you're a twin mum one baby is a piece of cake , but don't ever say that to non twin mums!