Can I force my toddler to get dressed/get out of the bath?

[Milliemoons]

My 3 year old refused to get out of the bath today. I told her a firm “would you like to get out of the bath or would you like mummy to help you?”. Then a count down. Then she refused so I started helping her and she exploded into a wet, splashy, flailing tantrum. Saying she wanted to do it. But did she? No. Carried on playing. So I started again with asking if she wanted to do it or wanted help. Cycle repeated about 10 times before I had enough of her running the show. I calmly got her writhing body out of the bath and “forced” her clothes on. I then brushed her teeth. She was obviously hysterical by this point.

How could I have handled this better? I didn’t get angry, didn’t shout, but it didn’t feel right “manhandling” her. But at the same time time when she said she would do it herself she clearly saw that as an opportunity to just not do as asked. And it really did feel like she was just giving me the run around. In general I allow her to make choices for herself but some things, like getting dressed and doing your teeth and non-negotiable.

Any advice welcome.

Do not leave your 3 year old so you can tidy up 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️
pull the plug

I’m pro gentle parenting, but these sorts of techniques don’t work in every situation, especially with some children. E.g. asking what they want…it assumes the child will agree to your options and many children (including mine) are far too stubborn and strong willed for that.

I would have given a warning that bath time ends soon when the timer goes off (set a timer for 5 mins, not too long, make sure they can hear when it goes). When the timer goes off, go straight to unplug the bath and as you do, say, ‘it’s time to get out of the bath’, then lift the child out of the bath. Do that swiftly, then move on to distractions immediately. Have something they look forward to doing straight after bath time and enthuse about it as you’re getting them out. It could be anything, e.g. babble on about their favourite bedtime story. Keep the same routine every time.

I think you did the right thing OP, next time she’ll know you mean it when you say you’ll lift her out

. You're letting her call all the shots. Give a warning that bath is almost finished, the choice of getting out herself or you doing it then if she carries on ignoring you plug out and take her put. No second chances.

Well you don't 'ask' 10 times!

It's time to get out now.

This is a great point, thank you.

Thank you very much everyone, I’ve got some good tactics here for next time. Reading through has also made me remember to mention that it’s the end of her first week at preschool, so she’s extra tired at the moment and there has been a lot of change this week. Thank you also for not making me feel bad, I was wrestling all evening feeling guilty that I hadn’t convinced her to get out of the bath and had followed through on my promised that I’d have to get her out but that seems to have been the right thing to do.

Exactly, that’s the bit that got to me. It felt like I was really reinforcing the idea in her mind that all she had to do was say she’d do it and then she’d get away with doing
anything she wanted. I want her to feel like she had autonomy and choice but also want to guide her to make decisions that make sense. Especially with starting school, I can’t have her thinking that ignoring directions from caregivers and teachers is an option.

She’s a little girl. She doesn’t need autonomy and choice in everything - in fact, she needs it in barely anything.

I pull the plug and say im going to do xyz (generally something she loves doing, playing with x toy or going in garden or cooking) she usually then leaps to get out due to the fear of missing out.

This isn’t gentle parenting though is it? It’s simply inept weak minded parenting from someone who doesn’t like confrontation.

The amount of overthinking that goes into every aspect of parenting now is 🤯 a 3yo does not need choices or autonomy when it comes to getting out of a bath, they need a parent who is in control and knows better than they do.

She’s a child. If you gave her choice about everything she’d have chocolate for breakfast, wouldn’t go to school and would be watching tv all day.

You are the adult, you need to be showing her you’re making the decisions. Children need structure and guidance. It makes them feel safe.

Stop tip toeing around your child and remember you’re the parent and adult.

You are not being mean by saying bath time is over and pulling her out.

I agree. Don't ask a question unless there is actually a choice. This is what I was told as a student teacher not 'ask, ask, tell' as suggested above.

Autonomy is absolutely the way to go, however, at that age sometimes you have to be sneaky and give the appearance of autonomy, the trick is to allow them options that both end with what you want.

so in this case, the only outcome was getting out of the bath "you can climb out yourself, or i can lift you out" rather than an option that leaves open the possibility of them telling you "No" or refusing.

When you asked her if she wanted to get out or for you to get her out, it still leaves her open to say "No" to both.. iyswim?

Ah, this is subtle but I see it! Thanks!

Decide who's in charge now, you or her? If you can't confidently lead her now, it will be much harder when she's older.

Less smarmy answer: when my kids were younger we always had 2 kinds of bath times. One was a 'quick bath' which just had shallow water no toys or bubbles etc, a quick in and out wash. The other was a 'long bath' that had all the trimmings and a relaxed pace. Tell your child from very early on which kind of bath it is tonight.

If you manage her expectations like this it hopefully will help when you need her out.

I would have pulled the plug and left the room why the need for an epic battle? There is no harm in not getting dressed once the drowning risk removed what she does after that is up to her

Two more minutes and I'll hoik you out dear!
Then pull the plug (and if you're my mother, warn toddler about the drain snake and how important it is not to be sucked down into his lair).

When the tub is drained, grab toddler with a towel and dry her off.

I remember that tactic being used by my parents (grandparents too) and it used to work most of the time. Except for the: ‘if you sit too close to the telly your eyes will become square.’ I thought that would be cool so I deliberately sat real close to the tv screen to see if it would happen.