Can I force my toddler to get dressed/get out of the bath?

[Milliemoons]

My 3 year old refused to get out of the bath today. I told her a firm “would you like to get out of the bath or would you like mummy to help you?”. Then a count down. Then she refused so I started helping her and she exploded into a wet, splashy, flailing tantrum. Saying she wanted to do it. But did she? No. Carried on playing. So I started again with asking if she wanted to do it or wanted help. Cycle repeated about 10 times before I had enough of her running the show. I calmly got her writhing body out of the bath and “forced” her clothes on. I then brushed her teeth. She was obviously hysterical by this point.

How could I have handled this better? I didn’t get angry, didn’t shout, but it didn’t feel right “manhandling” her. But at the same time time when she said she would do it herself she clearly saw that as an opportunity to just not do as asked. And it really did feel like she was just giving me the run around. In general I allow her to make choices for herself but some things, like getting dressed and doing your teeth and non-negotiable.

Any advice welcome.

100% this. At that age my DD was similar and the best advice I ever got from the health visitor was to stop repeating myself, give her one warning, then issue a consequence. So in this situation it might look like. Time to get out of the bath now, up you get. Ok, if you don't get out of the bath I will be taking those bath toys away / draining the water / lifting you out. Then swiftly do it! They soon get the message - you won't negotiate, and you will do what you say. At that age mostly natural consequences have worked, or as close to as possible. So no shoes? Walk barefoot. Don't clean teeth? Mummy force cleans them (teeth cleaning is one of our non negotiables). No coat? Get wet / cold.

I find it helpful to give them a choice to help them feel in control as well, which helps a lot. So for example - we're getting out of the bath now - shall I pull the plug or do you want to do it? Are you climbing out on your own or do you need mummy to help you? I get much less resistance with this approach. We're doing it but it's your choice how we do it type thing.

Also don't beat yourself up about forcing her to get out / get dressed. Sometimes it is necessary! At that age they can't always rationalise. And unfortunately if you have to get to work and need to leave the house, there's no choice but to force them.

So I started again with asking if she wanted to do it or wanted help. Cycle repeated about 10 times before I had enough of her running the show

Honestly op, this is how people end up with screaming uncontrollable teens. It starts here. You're literally teaching her that she doesn't have to listen to you because why would she? She'll get another 9 chances after she refuses.

5 minute warning bath time has nearly ended. Right, out you come then. No? You have five seconds to get out like a big girl or i'll lift you out. Then lift her out.

I would say we’re running out of time for stories and that will usually do the trick. I normally read 3 stories, so would start by saying we’re down to 2 and he would get out at that point. Or tell him he won’t get to watch number blocks tomorrow.

So that is relevant to your response but not the the OP who hasn’t mentioned anything about her child being autistic or having any additional needs.

Theres is zero need for an NT child to have all this faff. Just parents who can’t give a clear instruction.

However, if people want to fritter away their time endlessly negotiating with their kids that’s up to them.

Christ no way

This is giving clear time warnings, not ‘endlessly negotiating’? I don’t see any negotiating going on here at all.

This is parenting, not wasting time.

I offer choices:

You can climb out in 5 minute, or I will lift you out. Which do you want? Repeat, then state your choice and action.

Exactly. You are just showing her you are a push over.
Tell her once and then get in there and pull her out.
You are setting yourself up to be walked all over in the coming years.

Use statements not questions.

'It is time to get out of the bath now' - rinse and repeat. You could give a choice/future to incentivise 'Once you're out of the bath, what book are we going to read?' - if it's taking ages I would be happy to say 'We're running out of time now, we can only have one book/no books'

If continued refusal say 'I am going to lift you out of the bath now'

Some times force is required - action to back up words. You simply wrap them in a towel for safety and then lift them out. They can kick and fight and you ignore them. Just carry them into their bedroom if that's the next thing and wait until they're ready for the next part of bedtime routine'

Some things are necessary - seatbelts, walking safely, going to bed, going out of the house when needed and a child must be made to understand these are non-negotiables. I would usually say this - 'this is a have to situation, not a want to situation'

You're bigger than them for a reason

Great tip, but I’d avoid food as a reward

You're the parent, OP - she doesn't get to choose! Just pull the plug, then lift her out. She's taking you for a fool at the moment.

Just getting on with stuff is parenting. Bath’s over, out you come, then we’ll do stories.

Giving little kids choices and decisions just confuses them, especially at the end of the day when they’re tired.

Who’s in charge? You are. So be in charge.

Or just take her out?

I don’t see any little choices or decisions being given in the example? Just time warnings.

Pull the plug out and any toys/things that she can play with . She will soon shift .

I "man handle" my 2yo nearly every day. He fights everything and as you say some things are none negotiable. I don't feel bad. I try gentle parenting, I try offering choice, I try making a game, I try letting him do it himself. In the end I just have to pick him up and do whatever needs doing teeth, nappy, clothes, shoes, bath etc. I don't feel bad, I don't get angry or anything, it's just matter of fact, you need your teeth brushing we can either do it nicely together or I will have to pin you and get them brushed. Don't overthink it x

I used to get my child's pyjamas and favourite bedtime book, and pretend that I was putting the pyjamas on and was reading the bedtime book "all by myself" and wouldn't share.

I found that the sight of someone (me) trying to take something that was "theirs" got them out of the bath fairly quickly.

I see what you mean. It's not food as a reward as such, just that snack time is the next thing, we always have fruit in the afternoon and they like it. But I suppose it could seem like that. Doesn't have to be food though, so for bath time I would aim to be very excited about the books we might read and choosing pj's. Also my boys like to be caterpillars (wrapped up in towels) who get to be butterflies when they wriggle out and flap their way to their room.... but i appreciate that might just be us!

Your thread title made me laugh out loud. I mean can you imagine calling work and saying I can’t come in today because my toddler won’t get out the bath. Why on earth did you give them a choice. You decide when the bath is over, give them fair warning then just pull the plug and get them out.

There is zero negotiation going on.. i do not negotiate with my kids. They're given clear time warning and told what i expect them to do, and when i expect them to do it.

Negotiating is what the OP was doing.

Doing these kind of things with NT toddlers works just as well as it does with ND teens! It was what i was taught to do when i worked as a Nursery Nurse with regards to ending one activity and moving onto another, and it's served me in very good stead all through my career as a TA to the under 11's too!

Humour is a great tactic.

I was sometimes just too tired and done with parenting for it though or for clever tricks/ pretending stuff.

I just wanted them in bed so that I could have 5 minutes peace and quiet (like Mummy elephant).

It is foolish to pretend to small children that they are in charge. It will serve them badly in situations outside home.

Giving a 5 minute warning prior to bath time ending can help avoid these battles. It gives them an opportunity to finish up doing what they’re doing. I would use a timer, when it gets to four minutes I’d let them know that they only have one minute left. When the timer goes off it’s time to get out. If they refuse remind them the timer went off, bath time is over it’s now. Time for bed, would you like to pick a book for mummy to read you?

If they continue to refuse, empathise and acknowledge their feelings: ‘looks like you were having such a fun or relaxing or nice bath and you don’t want to get out. I get it, sometimes I don’t want to get out of the bath too. But it’s time for bed so out we get.’ Then if you have to pull the plug and lift them out, do it.

You’ve given plenty of warning and an opportunity to get out themselves so you really don’t have to feel bad about making them get out. Sometimes you just have to be firm but fair.

Think about using a timer because for some reason kids seem to respond well to them and respond well to a bit of a countdown.

Good grief op. You’re really going to struggle when she’s a teen if you don’t learn to be a parent now.

you have had lots of good suggestions on this thread. Decide which approach you’re going to use from now on and be consistent.

It's fine to take your toddler out of the bath tub. Autonomy is important to a degree but so us understanding that you (as her parent) are in charge for the moment. At three you are still responsible for keeping her safe and healthy etc. and sometimes you need to pick her up even if she doesn't want that in order to keep her safe/ warm or whatever.

I was with you until you offered her the choice , 'you get out or I lift you out', but then didn't follow through. If she doesn't make a choice try saying, 'looks like you are having trouble making a choice this time so I will get you out'. If she kicks off say 'oh you're sad because you wanted to stay in the bath, I understand, bathtime is fun, its ok to be cross that I took you out. We will do it again tomorrow, let read a book.' The first few times may end in a tantrum but she'll soon learn.